Friday Funnies

[armadillo]

[jackhammer91406]

Odd collection...

 

Today's entry is an odd collection of videos from January of this year.

Some of them are funny. Hope you enjoy them.

Have a great weekend everyone.

[video=youtube;hPQVYiP1QAo]http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=hPQVYiP1QAo

[+ Funguy]

Today's entry is an odd collection of videos from January of this year.

Some of them are funny. Hope you enjoy them.

Have a great weekend everyone.

[video=youtube;hPQVYiP1QAo]http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=hPQVYiP1QAo [/color][/size][/font]

 

Number 7 - animals are always more fun and innocent than people. Unbridled enthusiasm!

I hope all is going well for you, Jackhammer, and you have a smile on your face like the ones you give us.

 

Funguy

[jackhammer91406]

Have your fill....

 

Here's some fun from The Tonight Show this week. Gotta give Glenn credit for not

worrying about her image.

Have a great weekend.

[video=youtube;ZG6pRQDeAEM]

[Steven_Draker]

Long, stabby thing

 

... Aussie humour

 

[video=youtube;A_fMN9kFm14]

[bigvalboy]

Thanks Jackhammer. Funny funny stuff. Hope that things are going good for you.

[Steven_Draker]

As seen on Ellen:

 

[video=youtube;K69chHMtrs4]

[jackhammer91406]

Afternoon Quickies.....

 

My thanks to Steven for his funny offering today.

 

OK, here's some afternoon quickies for everyone (yeah, you thought I meant something else didn't you?).

 

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

 

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.”

The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

 

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks’ vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

 

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

[wisconsinguy]

What's worse than a dead rat on your piano? An infected beaver on your organ!

[bigvalboy]

Loved the "job interview" joke. Thanks Jackhammer

[Steven_Draker]

[video=youtube;upEBdKFGlPg]https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=upEBdKFGlPg

[+ azdr0710]

excellent, Steven.....complete surprise at the end!!

[jackhammer91406]

A few more quickies...

 

I started this thread 4 years ago after I was diagnosed with Leukemia. I really felt like I wanted to concentrate on things that made me laugh and feel good. I never dreamed the thread would go on this long or have nearly 40,000 views.

 

I have really enjoyed posting these funnies and also enjoyed the funnies that others have posted. Today is perhaps my last post on this thread. I am scheduled to go into UCLA next week for a bone marrow transplant. My Leukemia relapsed in July and the doctors tell me that the transplant is my only option and they aren't giving me good odds for a man my age. By I am an upbeat and positive person by nature so I will go with the odds they give me. After all somebody has to be in the 30%, so why not me? I am not down. I figure I give myself 5 minutes each day to feel bad about my circumstance and then those feelings get locked in a box. I spend the rest of each day trying make someone laugh without having to take off my clothes. If I can do that, it's was a good day.

 

I have so enjoyed this site and the friends I have made here. Thanks for your friendship and the laughs.

 

Here's this weeks funnies:

 

After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”

 

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

 

A husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this. "Mother of six," he would say, "what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!" She gets very frustrated. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, "Mother of six, I think it's time to go!" The wife immediately shouts back, "I'll be right with you, father of four!"

 

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"

Johnny says, "None."

The teacher asks, "Why?"

Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off."

The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."

Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"

The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream."

Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

[Steven_Draker]

For you Jackhammer ... a blast from the past:

 

 

[video=youtube;2NQIPVqLMUg]

[Dave]

somebody has to be in the 30%, so why not me?

 

I think you're in the 30%. hell, I think you're in the top 3% - of sweet, kind, gentle, sensitive men on this planet - so yeah, why shouldn't it be you?

good luck. my thoughts are with you.

[Steven_Draker]

[video=youtube;pEeysgBLAOU]

[jackhammer91406]

50th anniversary.

 

I enter UCLA Hospital this Saturday so I am happy to share this gem sent by my buddy in OHIO.

 

 

Tom and Elaine sent out invites to their three children.

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1.

'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father.

"Important thing is we're all together today."

 

Son No. 2 arrived.

"You and Mom look great, Dad.

I just flew in from LA between depositions & didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father.

"We're glad you were able to come."

 

Just then the daughter arrived.

"Hello and happy anniversary!

Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town & I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

 

After they had finished dessert, the father said,

"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.

"You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.

Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but

we just never found the time to get married."

 

The three children gasped and said,

"WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"

 

"Yep," said the father, "Cheap ones too.."

[justaguy]

Thanks, again, for the smile, jackhammer. My thoughts and prayers will be with you.

[Guest countryboywny]

I know it's not Friday, but here goes..

 

On his 74th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction!

 

 

 

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and.....with a grip on his shoulder warned... "This powerful medicine....you take only teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you become more manly than you have ever been in life, and can perform for as long as you want."

 

 

 

The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

 

 

 

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4', he responded, but when she does, medicine will not work again until next full moon."

 

 

 

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine,

 

 

 

and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

 

 

 

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

 

 

 

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

 

 

 

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

 

 

 

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[Guest countryboywny]

As usual, I know it's not Friday, but...

 

Most of our generation was

HOME SCHOOLED but did not know it at the time.

 

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

 

2.My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

 

3.My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

 

4.My father taught me LOGIC.

" Because I said so, that's why."

 

5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC ..

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

 

6.My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

 

7.My father taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

 

8.My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

 

9.My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

 

10.My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

 

11.My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

 

12.My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

 

13.My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

 

14.My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father!"

 

15.My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

 

16.My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

 

17.My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

 

18.My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

 

19.My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

 

20.My father taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

 

21.My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

 

22.My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

 

23.My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

 

24.My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

 

25.My father taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"

 

*******************************

[bigvalboy]

Very funny stuff CB. I think you hit every single line that I heard when I was growing up.

[justaguy]

Lots of reasons to smile. Thanks, CD. I really liked anticipation.

[Steven_Draker]

Incredible kid

 

[video=youtube;rP-2khrsBSM]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rP-2khrsBSM

[Steven_Draker]

[video=youtube;4fOuAwCwlmk]

[Guy Fawkes]

Thinking about you Jackhammer...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his

stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

 

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later

with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his

front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the

Cat Scan, it's now $150."