Steven_Draker Posted May 2, 2014 Share Posted May 2, 2014 Where are my fucking keys? http://www.mydigitallife.info/wp-content/uploads/2007/06/my-fucking-keys.jpg http://www.lolwtfcomics.com/upload/uploads/1341662346.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluray2 Posted May 2, 2014 Share Posted May 2, 2014 For everyone interested in expert opinions... BR2 [video=youtube;BKorP55Aqvg] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bosguy Posted May 2, 2014 Share Posted May 2, 2014 So many memories of wasted time in staff meetings. This made me howl laughing looking back on meetings filled with "experts" who didn't have a clue except to make a task impossible. Thanks for a great memory and making me enjoy retirement more than ever. Boston Bill Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+ azdr0710 Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 IN HEAVEN.... All the British are cops All the French are cooks All the Germans are engineers All the Italians are lovers And it's all run by the Swiss IN HELL... All the British are cooks All the French are engineers All the Germans are cops All the Swiss are lovers And it's all run by the Italians Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Slater Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 A man comes home with a duck tucked under his arm and says "this is the pig I've been fucking." His wife says "that's not a pig, it's a duck." He says "I wasn't talking to you." Kevin Slater Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted June 6, 2014 Author Share Posted June 6, 2014 I feel refweshed....... First, my thanks to all those who posted while I was away. Today's post from Kevin Slater really tickled me. I left here worn out, dried out, wrung out, tired out and needed a time out. I heard the calls from my inner muse to 'Get Thee to a punnery" so off I went. I came back (as Lili von Shtupp would say) refweshed. I spent a month in the south at the winter training camp of the Henny Youngman school of moans and groans (take my life...PLEASE...). But I feel much better now that I am home. It seems a shame to step on Kevin's fine post today, but I had to share something I saw in the bathroom of one of St Augustine's best crab houses. A hole in the wall place that my family never tires of. Anyway, here it is. TOP TEN REASONS WHY MEN PREFER GUNS OVER WOMEN 10 You can trade in an old 44 for a new 22. 9 You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you are on the road. 8 If you admire a friend’s gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times. 7 Your primary gun doesn’t mind if you keep another gun for a backup. 6 Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo. 5 A gun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space. 4 Guns function normally every day of the month. 3 A gun doesn’t ask , “Do these new grips make me look fat?” 2 A gun doesn’t mind if you go to sleep after you use it. AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON MEN PREFER GUNS OVER WOMEN…. 1 You can buy a silencer for a gun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
instudiocity Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 As told in HS Drama Class Awards Ceremony by the Teacher "A teacher, a lawyer and a priest on a plane. The plane was going down and the teacher says we have to save the children. The attorney says "F*** the children!" and the priest says "OOOOH..Do we have time for that???" http://www.komonews.com/news/local/Angry-mom-School-awards-ceremony-featured-swearing-sex-toys-261759461.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted June 13, 2014 Author Share Posted June 13, 2014 When you're pulled over........ Things never to say to the cop 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas) 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are You Andy or Barney? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 8. I pay your salary! 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. HAPPY FATHER'S DAY to all those dads out there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bosguy Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 WELCOME BACK!!!!!!!!! Loved the Village People reason. :-) Boston Bill Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted June 20, 2014 Author Share Posted June 20, 2014 It's a guy thing....... Q. What did God say after creating Adam A. I must be able to do better than that. Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups? A. Put the remote control between his toes. Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow. Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg? A. They won't stop to ask for directions. Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A. So men can be open minded. Q. How are men and parking spots alike? A. Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small. Q. What is the one thing that all men at single bars have in common? A. They are all married. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted June 27, 2014 Author Share Posted June 27, 2014 With apologies to our fly boys...... Hope you enjoy this classic Foster Brooks routine. Have a great weekend. [video=youtube;_IqEMPYS9XM] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steven_Draker Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 Politics in the Middle East [video=youtube;2edtLzQeMMY] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted July 5, 2014 Author Share Posted July 5, 2014 In honor of........ http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-n2r9Y04Uak8/Tg7PKn5FyJI/AAAAAAAAErk/4QdNDtgzNGo/s1600/maxine07.jpg Happy 4th of July everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steven_Draker Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 A tipsy woman is having fun at a wedding ... [video=youtube;CWWsJoGwOmI]http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=CWWsJoGwOmI Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steven_Draker Posted August 8, 2014 Share Posted August 8, 2014 Jackhammer, this comes with best wishes for a prompt recovery. I hope you'll be out of the hospital soon. Enjoy this hilarious ABC spoof by Pam Ann! [video=youtube;FEBgsraYZ3w] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Slater Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. Kevin Slater Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted August 29, 2014 Author Share Posted August 29, 2014 Dress left..... First, my thanks to those who have posted here in my absence including Steven and Kevin. I also wanted to thank all those who sent get well wishes and cards. I spent most all of July in the hospital as my leukemia relapsed and I underwent another round of chemotherapy. I have been home a few weeks and as some may know I have been trying to get part of my life back by going to some Dodger games. I am currently on track for a Bone marrow transplant at UCLA in the upcoming weeks, so this break may be short-lived. But I will make the most of it and try to share some of the funny things that have been sent to me. Now for this week's entry..... A group of golfers lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One got transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him. A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?" The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early – at 6:30 a.m. He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and, playing right-handed, beat all three of them with an eye-opening two-under-par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her. The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady again played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them. The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge. Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left - handed?" The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed." The guys thought this was hysterical.. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?" She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+ Funguy Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 Got a laugh out of me. All the best, Jackhammer, in the coming weeks. Let us know what we, on the Forum, can do to cheer YOU up! Funguy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diverdan Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 GREAT JOKE, Jackhammer... and best wishes to you in the coming weeks... I trust that the Bone Marrow transport will work well for you. Glad you have been able to keep your sense of humor through all of the difficulties. Know that many of us have added you to our prayer list and send you are very best wishes. DD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigvalboy Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 Allow me to send my best wishes to you also Jackhammer. We often don't realize what some forum members are going through in their lives. I wish only the best for you. Prayers all around. AND yes, todays "Friday Funnies" gave me a good chuckle. Be safe and well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justaguy Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 Add me to the list of well wishers, Jackhammer. Prayers for a full and speedy recovery. As to this joke, I didn't connect the dots until I'd gotten to the very end, but Bette Midler did a variation of the "left, right, and straight up" in her Sophie Tucker segment. I wonder if that's on youtube somewhere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steven_Draker Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 As to this joke, I didn't connect the dots until I'd gotten to the very end, but Bette Midler did a variation of the "left, right, and straight up" in her Sophie Tucker segment. I wonder if that's on youtube somewhere. "I was in the woods last night with my boyfriend Ernie. He said to me "Soph" .... he always calls me 'Soph' .... He said to me "Soph these wood sure are dark I wish I had a flashlight" I said to him "So do I Ernie, you have been munching grass for the last ten MINUTES"! M' girlfriend Clementine is a dirty old broad. We were hanging out of landry the other day and she said to me "Soph, how come you never caught in the rain when you hand your landry." I told her "My dear Clementine, every morning I pull back the sheets and look at my boyfriend Ernie. If it's laying on the left it's gonna rain. If it's laying on the right it's gonna be a sun shiny day." Clementine said "Well what if it's sticking straight up?". I told her "Well who the hell wants to landry on a day like that?!!" [video=youtube;eTcFIchjotM] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted September 5, 2014 Author Share Posted September 5, 2014 People say the darndest things Funniest Game show answers of all time [video=youtube;R7ghDhpCLKM] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigvalboy Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 Hilarious Jackhammer...Laughed all the way through it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wisconsinguy Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 Hi Jackhammer, I can't believe I missed these posts! I love jokes and just passing thru all the entries. I LOVE the gut laugh stuff. I worked in oncology in my lifetime, and ALL the patients I cared for were outstanding!!! They had a gift for life, love, and laughter. So here is my entry: What is worse that a dead rat on your piano? An infected beaver on your organ! Rand Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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