Friday Funnies

[edjames]

Here one for hump day!

 

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

 

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions. "He gets her name, address, Social security number, etc. And then asks," What's your occupation?"

 

"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.

 

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "

 

Let's try to rephrase that."

 

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

 

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

 

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

 

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have yo do with being a prostitute?"

 

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

 

*"Chicken Farmer it is."*

[jackhammer91406]

Walk with me as I age....

 

Walk with me as I age......

 

 

I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me - then my posting it will be worth the effort.

 

 

 

Walk with me by the water - worth the read.

 

 

 

 

A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER…

 

 

 

 

Shit, I forgot the words.

[edjames]

A crowded flight is cancelled, and a frazzled agent must rebook a long line of inconvenienced travelers by herself. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushes to the front and demands to be on the next flight, first class.

 

The agent replies, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first."

 

The passenger screams, "Do you have ANY idea who I am?"

 

The gate agent grabs her public address microphone, "May I have your attention, please? We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."

 

The man grits his teeth, "Screw you."

 

She replies, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

[jackhammer91406]

One stroke too many.......

 

SENIOR'S DAY AT THE COURSE

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....

#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.

#09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#07... Foursomes are encouraged.

#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#05... Three times a day is possible.

#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

#03... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.

#02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

 

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....

 

#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

[Guest countryboywny]

A Tuesday lift:

 

Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

 

 

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

 

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

 

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress,

And I'm wearing it," she replied.

 

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

 

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

 

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another

Occasion where you could wear it."

 

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''

 

Made me laugh out loud!

[bigvalboy]

A Tuesday lift:

 

Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

 

 

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

 

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

 

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress,

And I'm wearing it," she replied.

 

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

 

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

 

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another

Occasion where you could wear it."

 

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''

 

Made me laugh out loud!

 

That was 'laugh out loud' stuff....I loved it, and so very very clever of the brides mom.

[jackhammer91406]

Timing

 

With what is happening in the Boston area it's hard to know if telling a joke is appropriate. Instead I am posting a video today in hopes that it will take our minds away from all the trouble of this past week.

 

I have liked this performer for a long time and have most of his DVDs. He is one of the best ventriloquists I have ever seen. I have seen him perform live a few times and have met him personally for a nice chat. He has also done a number of videotaped concerts for Comedy Central.

 

His other characters include Walter (an old cranky guy) and Ahmed (The dead terrorist). But today I am linking to 6 minutes with the character who has been in his act the longest- Peanut.

After today I will be taking 6 weeks off for a vacation. See you all back in June.

 

Enjoy Jeff Dunham and Peanut after a brief commercial break:

 

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=jeff%20dunham%20you%20tube&source=web&cd=5&cad=rja&ved=0CEwQtwIwBA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DoQm _8vX3sYU&ei=hJRxUbreGKWIiwKYvYGYAw&usg=AFQjCNGk269llw3TYaptunKTO5W6YpN1HQ&bvm=bv.45512109,d.cGE ]

[edjames]

The nice Jewish mother-in-law comes over and finds her son-in-law furious, and packing his suitcase.

 

"What happened"?? She asks.

Eli screamed, "What happened? I'll tell you what happened!

I sent an email to my wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what I found? My wife, yes my Rachel, your daughter, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage. I'm leaving!"

 

"Calm down!" says the mother-in-law. "There's something odd about this story. My Rachel would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened."

 

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"You see, I said that there must be a simple explanation. Rachel never received your email"!

[seeker630]

...After today I will be taking 6 weeks off for a vacation. See you all back in June.

 

.

 

[/color][/size][/font]

 

Enjoy your vacation - you will be missed!

[bigvalboy]

With what is happening in the Boston area it's hard to know if telling a joke is appropriate. Instead I am posting a video today in hopes that it will take our minds away from all the trouble of this past week.

 

I have liked this performer for a long time and have most of his DVDs. He is one of the best ventriloquists I have ever seen. I have seen him perform live a few times and have met him personally for a nice chat. He has also done a number of videotaped concerts for Comedy Central.

 

His other characters include Walter (an old cranky guy) and Ahmed (The dead terrorist). But today I am linking to 6 minutes with the character who has been in his act the longest- Peanut.

After today I will be taking 6 weeks off for a vacation. See you all back in June.

 

Enjoy Jeff Dunham and Peanut after a brief commercial break:

 

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=jeff%20dunham%20you%20tube&source=web&cd=5&cad=rja&ved=0CEwQtwIwBA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DoQm _8vX3sYU&ei=hJRxUbreGKWIiwKYvYGYAw&usg=AFQjCNGk269llw3TYaptunKTO5W6YpN1HQ&bvm=bv.45512109,d.cGE ][/color][/size][/font]

 

Very very funny...I thought that he was quite good.....We will all miss your posts while you are gone. Have a good vacation.

[edjames]

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.

 

A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.

The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

 

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people.

The Pope said, "Sure".

 

The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with,

"Tuti Homeni, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."

[edjames]

COPING WITH OBAMACARE

 

MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL

 

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

 

''Mrs. Sanders, please."

 

''Speaking."

 

''Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your

husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another

Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your

husband. Frankly, either way, the results are not too good."

 

''What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

 

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other

one tested positive for HIV(AIDS). We can't tell which is which.."

 

''That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

 

"Normally we can, but Obamacare will only pay for these expensive tests one

time."

 

''Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

 

''The folks at Obamacare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere

in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

[bigvalboy]

COPING WITH OBAMACARE

 

MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL

 

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

 

''Mrs. Sanders, please."

 

''Speaking."

 

''Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your

husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another

Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your

husband. Frankly, either way, the results are not too good."

 

''What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

 

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other

one tested positive for HIV(AIDS). We can't tell which is which.."

 

''That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

 

"Normally we can, but Obamacare will only pay for these expensive tests one

time."

 

''Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

 

''The folks at Obamacare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere

in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

 

Very very cute...lol lol....I did not see that one coming!!!

[edjames]

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

 

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!

___________________________________________

FREE PUPPIES

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

________________________________________________

FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.

Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

_______________________________________________________

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

________________________________________________________

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

Must sell washer and dryer £100.

_____________________________________________________________

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .

Worn once by mistake.

Call Stephanie.

___________________________________________________________

And the WINNER is...

 

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.

Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.

No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

 

 

(Statement of the Century)

___________________________________________________________

 

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.

 

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,

How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

____________________________________________________________

 

 

Children Are Quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....

______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

 

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

__________________________________

PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE SMILE...

Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

[bigvalboy]

Far too many to mention. They were all very funny. I loved the first one about the free Yorkshire Terrier, and the wedding dress, well the list would just go on until I mentioned everyone. Thank you edjames, and with that little bit of laughter, I think I will head off to bed.

[edjames]

At the National Art Gallery in Warsaw, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

 

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

 

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

 

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

 

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of Africans in American in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "Some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

 

After the curator left, an old gentleman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

 

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

 

"Because I am the artist who painted the picture," he replied. "In fact, there are no Africans depicted at all. They're just three Polish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

[edjames]

This is truly "politically incorrect" but kinda funny...

 

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

 

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

 

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

 

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

 

More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...'You want........ garlic chicken wif snow peas?

[edjames]

Two little old ladies, Dorace & Jackie, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

 

The short one, Jackie, leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!"

 

"You're on!" said Dorace, holding up a $10.00 note.

 

So Jackie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

 

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

 

Finally, the smiling Jackie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.

 

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

 

"I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement... !"

[edjames]

They Walk Among Us...

 

Our society is doomed..............

 

 

I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00

I said "May I have large bills, please"

 

She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."

When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....

 

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'

 

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton,MS

 

IDIOT SIGHTING

We had to have the garage door repaired.

The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'

 

We haven't used Sears repair since.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.

Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.

She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

 

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING

I live in a semi rural area.

We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office

to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!

I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

 

From Kingman , KS

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.

-- From Kansas City

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,

'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

 

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

 

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,'

our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'

Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

 

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself

and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

 

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING

How would you pronounce this child's name?

"Le-a"

Leah?? NO

Lee - A?? NOPE

Lay - a?? NO

Lei?? Guess Again.

This child attends a school in Kansas City , Mo.

Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.

It's pronounced "Ledasha".

When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

 

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.

If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

 

STAY ALERT!

 

They walk among us......and they VOTE.

[Guest countryboywny]

You know there are so many TV channels, each one starved for new programs.

> In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main

> cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might

> have some theories on the matter.

>

>

> This "TRUE" interview went as follows:

> The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible

> sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

> The farmer stared at the reporter and said? "Did you know that a bull mounts

> a cow only once a year"?

> Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of

> information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow

> disease?"

> Farmer: "Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

> Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting

> to the point?"

> Farmer: "I am getting to the point, Miss." "Just imagine, if I was playing

> with your tits twice a day ... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't

> you get mad?"

[Kevin Slater]

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't

prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first

witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her

and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do

know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly,

you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife,

and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You

think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never

amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across

the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a

youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't

build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the

worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three

different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very

quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the

electric chair.

 

Kevin Slater

[Guest countryboywny]

A guy asked a girl in a crowded university library: "Do you mind if I

sit beside you?"

 

The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

 

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was

truly embarrassed and found another table to sit at.

 

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly over to the guy's

table and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is

thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

 

The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$200 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!"

 

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy

whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

[jackhammer91406]

I love my job...

 

My thanks to everyone who posted while I was in Florida.

 

When I returned from my vacation, I came back to the kind of S__T storm you would expect having been gone a month. Never thought it could get so bad. Then I remembered this true story sent to me by my friend in OHIO (OHNO). I think it says it all....

 

 

I LOVE MY JOB

 

 

This is even funnier when you realize it's real!

 

 

Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

 

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana

 

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

 

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

 

She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in

Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

 

Needless to say, she won.

 

Read his letter below...

 

 

 

 

 

~Hi Sue,

 

 

 

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office.

 

 

 

 

I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

 

 

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.

 

It's a wet suit.

 

This time of year the water is quite cool.

 

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

 

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.

 

It heats it to a delightful temperature.

 

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

 

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

 

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

 

This floods my whole suit with warm water.

 

It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

 

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.

 

So, of course, I scratched it.

 

This only made things worse.

 

Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.

 

I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

 

In agony I realized what had happened.

 

 

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

 

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.

 

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

 

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.

 

 

His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

 

 

Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

 

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

 

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

 

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

 

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

 

 

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.

 

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

 

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

 

 

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!

 

 

Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.~

[edjames]

Welcome back jackhammer! hope you had a terrific vacation.

 

here's one for your return..

 

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2013:

 

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

 

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers will become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

 

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

 

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will become: ZipAudiDoDa.

 

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

 

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

 

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

 

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

 

And finally....

 

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

[+ purplekow]

Welcome back jackhammer! hope you had a terrific vacation.

 

here's one for your return..

 

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2013:

 

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

 

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers will become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

 

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

 

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will become: ZipAudiDoDa.

 

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

 

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

 

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

 

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

 

And finally....

 

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

 

Ajax Oreida Better Homes and Gardens Jax Ore Better

Friendly's Doritos Photogram Friend Dor Pho

Heinz 57 3M 9 Lives 69