God Calls Oral Roberts at 91

[+ Lucky]

Oral Roberts, the preacher who once claimed that God would call him to heaven if he didn't raise $800 million, died today at 91, only $47 short of his goal.

 

The father of a gay son who committed suicide, Roberts claimed that only heterosexuals were part of God's creation. Right about now I imagine he is pretty surprised.

 

It is claimed that the main adulterers and homosexuals of the Christian ministry are Oral Roberts proteges:

 

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/332053/homosexuals_and_adulterers_linked_to.html?cat=47

 

Roberts leaves behind the Oral Roberts University, which, predictably, doesn't want gay students. But, that's okay, as one website which evaluates American colleges reports about it:

 

Oral Roberts is an accredited institution. That is about the only good thing that can be said about it. US News & World Reports ranks it near the bottom of universities that grant masters degrees -- which means it is probably one of the worst universities in the country. According to the Princeton Review, the average SAT score there is 1061 -- which is very low. Only 38% of students graduate in four years -- which is extremely low. Only 36% of the faculty have a PhD -- which is embarrassingly low. The one reason why people choose Oral Roberts is because of the religious affiliation (which they describe as "Charismatic Christian"). Personally, I don't think that should be a determining factor in choosing a university -- but understand that others don't agree with me. The fact is that there are lots of high quality Christian universities -- why choose one that is this bad? In short -- Oral Roberts is a joke.

 

But, let us remember Oral for being the man who most made us think of oral sex. He didn't approve of it, of course. Here is a transcript of one of his famous sermons on the subject:

 

We men want to take a woman in our arms, and a girl wants to take a man in her arms, and, pretty soon, we want to take 'em to bed with us! Go on—go over there and touch it! Put your arms around her. Put your hand on her breast. See how far you can take your hand. See how far she'll let you go. Go ahead, girl—touch him at the most sensitive part of his body.

 

There is one place in the woman's body and one place in the man's body that creates multiplication. There're not two, there're not three, there're not four places, there're not ten places—there is one place, in the woman's vagina and the man's male organ. There's only one place in the woman's body where the male organ was designed to penetrate—the vagina!

 

Only one organ made to bring forth life—it's the male organ. It's not in lesbianism for the tongue of a female goes into the vagina of another female. It's not in the male where the male organ goes into the part of the, of the body where the, the waste matter comes out of the body, the poison, and he penetrates that part of the body in homosexuality. It's not to be put into the mouth of the man, or the mouth of the man or the woman on the male organ! It is the male organ penetrating the vagina of the woman—the male and the female!

 

He says look at the orifices of the body, the openings in the body. Certainly you can't put it, put the male organ or the tongue in the eye. Maybe touch the ear. Certainly not in the orifices of the nose, or the navel. But there are a couple of three other places. There's the mouth. There's the anus, where the poisons of the body are excreted, you can put it there. They didn't know how to handle it! There was a FIRE that rose up in them; they didn't know how to CONTAIN, and everybody KNOWS when the sexual arousal reaches a certain point, the person goes INSANE!

 

A bull after a cow in the heat, if he cannot reach the cow, and there's a barbed wire fence between them, will go through the barbed wire and cut himself to pieces in order to impregnate that cow! I, I, I's raised on a farm. I SAW it. Men and women go WILD—and then when it's perverted, and when it comes homosexuality, it's not only WILD, it is INSANE! And the heat becomes so intense, the sexual heat becomes so INTENSE, the male organ doesn't want the vagina of the woman, but to turn that person over and to enter into the rear where the poison comes out, and it keeps coming out until they develop AIDS with no immunity against disease, and they D-I-E, they die!

 

[exasperated sigh] God made the female breasts, young man—what's wrong with you handling it, fondling it? Oh, sure, you're married to this girl, you're married to this man, but awww, come on now, let's have a good time. Somebody go get a six pack. Bring in some bourbon. Uhhh, pick up the phone and send in a couple call girls. I go to church, too, but, uh, you know, it didn't make me queer. Well, I wouldn't buy that 100%. [aside] Um, please erase that from the tape, uh, I didn't—let's edit that out, will ya?

 

[clears throat] The only way you ever become one flesh is when the male organ penetrates the woman's vagina. The only place, the only organs that can come together in completeness is the male organ and the vagina of the woman and they become one—and if you interrupt that in any way, you become adulterous, or a fornicator, or a homosexual. And you introduce a foreign subject; you've adulterated. And if in your SEXUALITY you're outside of marriage with it, and you do anything with marriage outside of the male organ penetrating the vagina, you're outside creation.

 

Don't have to wait to get married to have intercourse. You don't have to have sexual relations only with your wife or your husband. You can go outside and you can get it all. You don't have to use only the male organ or the vagina of the woman; you can use your tongue, you can use other things, you can use other orifices of the body; you can pervert it—you can pervert EVERYTHING! Man, I got a quick fix. I can gitcha there NOW. I can satisfy you—I can set you, your impulses on FIRE. I can make your senses VIBRATE. I can let ya lay hands on everything that came in the world to get delivered to you now. Now, folks, that tastes good, that feels good; I can't tell ya how good that feels and how good that tastes…

 

RIP Oral Roberts...May the gay angels be kind to you.

[AdamSmith]

jesus h christ on a raft. Now I love Oral 100 times more than ever before, but loathe him 10,000 times worse. what a cosmological asshole

[Guest zipperzone]

jesus h christ on a raft. Now I love Oral 100 times more than ever before, but loathe him 10,000 times worse. what a cosmological asshole

 

Another religious prick bites the dust - is this cause for celebration? - you betcha!

[OneFinger]

What's In a Name???

 

I always found it ironic that a conservative Christian minister would have a name like ORAL.

 

Have you ever heard of anyone else with that name?

[Damascene]

God Calls Oral Roberts at 81

 

Another grave to dance on.

[josephga]

yahoo news says 91

[+ Lucky]

Yes, 91

 

God called Oral at the age of 81, he just didn't listen, so the stubborn coot hung on for ten more years!

[+ glutes]

He always struck me as a modern-day Elmer Gantry. TTFN Oral!

 

http://thequintessential.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/elmergantry.jpg

[josephga]

God called Oral at the age of 81, he just didn't listen, so the stubborn coot hung on for ten more years!

 

 

lmao

[MsGuy]

As a young tent preacher, he could heal with the best of them.

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ukbSzbjpZ8Y/SdD2A3XzKkI/AAAAAAAADRw/TGo8SA4P25k/s400/Oral+Roberts+01.jpg

 

http://whoyoucallingaskeptic.files.wordpress.com/2008/07/oral-roberts-1957.jpg

[BewareofNick]

Much like the dead celebrities in that South park episode, I think ol' Oral has found it to be a little warmer than he was expecting...

[Guest TBinCHI]

 

Rest in peace my ass. Lucky, you are too kind. I hope that the gay angels boot him the hell out of heaven and into the depths of hell where he belongs. I say good riddance to another intolerant self righteous prick.

[NYTomcat]

 

Rest in peace my ass. Lucky, you are too kind. I hope that the gay angels boot him the hell out of heaven and into the depths of hell where he belongs. I say good riddance to another intolerant self righteous prick.

 

AMEN and HALLELUJAH Brother, May God have mercy on his soul (cause I doubt many of us would).

[J-Man]

Oral!

 

Headline in tomorrow's Oral Roberts University campus newspaper:

 

"Jesus Prepares to Receive Oral."

 

And let's not forget that ORU's (arguably) most famous graduate is ... Kathie Lee Gifford!

[MsGuy]

And let's not forget that ORU's (arguably) most famous graduate is ... Kathie Lee Gifford!

 

LOL, what a delightful tidbit. Thanks, J-Man.