My no-married-guys resolve is weakening

[Zapped]

For years I've had a policy: I don't mess around married guys. At least guys I know are married, and especially if they are guys I know socially and extra-especially if I know their wives. It's simple. Clear. Makes sense. When I was married, my wife encouraged me to have sex with men. She knew I was bisexual long before we married. Once I went ahead and started having sex with men, she was happy for me. But she realized she wanted a monogamous marriage and it was incredibly painful for her. She felt guilty for having a change of heart. We got divorced and are great friends now. But it was awful for her for a while and I don't want to be the "other man."

 

Exceptions? None I know of. I do go to the baths once in a while, and in all likelihood I've had sex with married guys there. That's different for me. If they're married, I don't know it. We don't know each other's names, let alone anything about our lives.

 

Now into my life comes "Dan." He's in his early sixties, about 10 years older than me. He's married and we go to the same church (I regularly; he and his wife very occasionally) . He and his wife haven't had sex in years. She's a house mother at a fraternity and sleeps there four nights a week, and they have separate beds at home. He's gay and enormously sexually frustrated. He wants--with great intensity--for us to begin a fuck-buddy type of relationship. I'm finding myself attracted to him, and especially to the kind of slightly nasty, kinky stuff he says he wants to do--stuff that sounds really hot to me.

 

But I have the no-married-guys rule. And my resolve is weakening. We live in the middle of nowhere in a small college/farm town. He thinks he can keep it all compartmentalized. Not tell his wife. Just have quiet fun.

 

What I'd really like is a single, out boyfriend. But a fuck buddy--especially one who can get into kink I'm into--would be great.

 

Sexual energy can be so powerful. We start having sex and what if he decides to come out? What if his wife somehow finds out? What if it results in a scandal at our church, where I'm out but he, obviously, isn't, and I'm in a leadership position?

 

Don't mess with married guys. Good rule.

 

And I want him to stick his cock in my mouth, give me a facial, and start from there.

 

I know I have to make up my own mind on this. Thoughts?

[justaguy]

You sound like you're thoughtful and willing to think of others. Imagine you're the other guy's wife when she finds out. Being the "other man" is right for you only if you're okay with helping to cause her pain. If you're not, and what you've written suggests that you're not, you should let this pass. Encourage "Dan" to talk to his wife about his needs and their relationship.

[Guest greatness]

well

 

Talk to him about it..

 

 

For years I've had a policy: I don't mess around married guys. At least guys I know are married, and especially if they are guys I know socially and extra-especially if I know their wives. It's simple. Clear. Makes sense. When I was married, my wife encouraged me to have sex with men. She knew I was bisexual long before we married. Once I went ahead and started having sex with men, she was happy for me. But she realized she wanted a monogamous marriage and it was incredibly painful for her. She felt guilty for having a change of heart. We got divorced and are great friends now. But it was awful for her for a while and I don't want to be the "other man."

 

Exceptions? None I know of. I do go to the baths once in a while, and in all likelihood I've had sex with married guys there. That's different for me. If they're married, I don't know it. We don't know each other's names, let alone anything about our lives.

 

Now into my life comes "Dan." He's in his early sixties, about 10 years older than me. He's married and we go to the same church (I regularly; he and his wife very occasionally) . He and his wife haven't had sex in years. She's a house mother at a fraternity and sleeps there four nights a week, and they have separate beds at home. He's gay and enormously sexually frustrated. He wants--with great intensity--for us to begin a fuck-buddy type of relationship. I'm finding myself attracted to him, and especially to the kind of slightly nasty, kinky stuff he says he wants to do--stuff that sounds really hot to me.

 

But I have the no-married-guys rule. And my resolve is weakening. We live in the middle of nowhere in a small college/farm town. He thinks he can keep it all compartmentalized. Not tell his wife. Just have quiet fun.

 

What I'd really like is a single, out boyfriend. But a fuck buddy--especially one who can get into kink I'm into--would be great.

 

Sexual energy can be so powerful. We start having sex and what if he decides to come out? What if his wife somehow finds out? What if it results in a scandal at our church, where I'm out but he, obviously, isn't, and I'm in a leadership position?

 

Don't mess with married guys. Good rule.

 

And I want him to stick his cock in my mouth, give me a facial, and start from there.

 

I know I have to make up my own mind on this. Thoughts?

[operalover21]

For years I've had a policy: I don't mess around married guys. At least guys I know are married, and especially if they are guys I know socially and extra-especially if I know their wives. It's simple. Clear. Makes sense. When I was married, my wife encouraged me to have sex with men. She knew I was bisexual long before we married. Once I went ahead and started having sex with men, she was happy for me. But she realized she wanted a monogamous marriage and it was incredibly painful for her. She felt guilty for having a change of heart. We got divorced and are great friends now. But it was awful for her for a while and I don't want to be the "other man."

 

Exceptions? None I know of. I do go to the baths once in a while, and in all likelihood I've had sex with married guys there. That's different for me. If they're married, I don't know it. We don't know each other's names, let alone anything about our lives.

 

Now into my life comes "Dan." He's in his early sixties, about 10 years older than me. He's married and we go to the same church (I regularly; he and his wife very occasionally) . He and his wife haven't had sex in years. She's a house mother at a fraternity and sleeps there four nights a week, and they have separate beds at home. He's gay and enormously sexually frustrated. He wants--with great intensity--for us to begin a fuck-buddy type of relationship. I'm finding myself attracted to him, and especially to the kind of slightly nasty, kinky stuff he says he wants to do--stuff that sounds really hot to me.

 

But I have the no-married-guys rule. And my resolve is weakening. We live in the middle of nowhere in a small college/farm town. He thinks he can keep it all compartmentalized. Not tell his wife. Just have quiet fun.

 

What I'd really like is a single, out boyfriend. But a fuck buddy--especially one who can get into kink I'm into--would be great.

 

Sexual energy can be so powerful. We start having sex and what if he decides to come out? What if his wife somehow finds out? What if it results in a scandal at our church, where I'm out but he, obviously, isn't, and I'm in a leadership position?

 

Don't mess with married guys. Good rule.

 

And I want him to stick his cock in my mouth, give me a facial, and start from there.

 

I know I have to make up my own mind on this. Thoughts?

 

Try to stay strong. Messing with a married guy -- gay or straight -- is about as low as it gets. IMHO.

[Txpaytoplay]

Advise to stay away.....

 

Zapped....

 

I would advise from personal experience to stay away. Here's a little story, that happened to me....may help, maybe not but who knows. I have the same conviction of not messing around with married guys and have had my entire life. About 10 years ago, I met a very hot guy in another town about 260 miles away. We hit it off, and for 6 straight weeks I drove down to see him and spent the weekends with him in a hotel in the city. In getting to know him he had three roomates, was in the reserves and supervisor at a store. The last time I went to see him, he had checked in prior to me showing up. I went up to the room and we hung out a bit then I went and took a shower. While I was drying off I heard a knock at the door, I was dressed in my boxers and tshirt and thought he had ordered roomservice so I opened the door.....The next thing I know is that this 5'7 blonde literally pushes me to the side and walks in and starts screaming and yelling......and the scene turns quite ugly to say the least. Too make this long out drama scene short I will leave out the details of the next L O N G E S T twenty minutes of my life. In short....three roomates equated to wife and two kids and the rabid little minx had come back to claim her man!!!! Well the hurt I felt I am sure didn't equate to the hurt, and betrayal I saw in her eyes. I will never forget that look. So, now I ask a lot more questions before I start getting involved with someone. It took some time to get over that, and I know I don't ever want to look into another womans eyes and see that kind of hurt that I may have caused. This was unintentional on my part - I definately couldn't knowingly do this now.

 

Don't know if this will help....but hopefully you can maintain a friendship with him and his wife.

[josephga]

Try to stay strong. Messing with a married guy -- gay or straight -- is about as low as it gets. IMHO.

 

I agree

[+ purplekow]

Let me be the voice of opposition. You are attracted to him. He is attracted to you. If you are concerned about your standing in the community and/or if don't want to be the other man, then stop. If you want the opportunity to improve the repressed sexual life of a man you find attractive and if your own life would be enhanced by this, then swallow hard and then swallow hard. You are not a child and neither is he. I vote for going in with your eyes and mouth wide open but be aware, you may get something in those wide open eyes and it will burn.

[BewareofNick]

Try to stay strong. Messing with a married guy -- gay or straight -- is about as low as it gets. IMHO.

 

Actually, a married guy messing about is as low as it gets.

[Zapped]

Thanks for the comments so far. Sometimes it's hard to know if it's my head or my cock that's doing the thinking. Keeping one's better judgment in control is quite challenging. OK, gotta get back to work. More later.

 

Z

[josephga]

When a person cheats on their wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or partner they are making the choice that its their right to put their partners life in their hands. Their partner now has no say in the risk factor regarding stds and other matters. Everyone has the right to decide what risks they will take with their own health but they have no right to decide that for the unknowing partner back home. IMO

[operalover21]

Actually, a married guy messing about is as low as it gets.

 

It's low but the unmarried person has a responsibility as well. We shouldn't encourage these kinds of guys. And if we do, then we are lower than they are because without us they would have no cheating opportunities.

 

Enticing a married guy into sex or a relationship is as low as it gets. There are plenty of unmarried guys to go after without having to stoop this low.

[AdamSmith]

Let me be the voice of opposition. You are attracted to him. He is attracted to you. If you are concerned about your standing in the community and/or if don't want to be the other man, then stop. If you want the opportunity to improve the repressed sexual life of a man you find attractive and if your own life would be enhanced by this, then swallow hard and then swallow hard. You are not a child and neither is he. I vote for going in with your eyes and mouth wide open but be aware, you may get something in those wide open eyes and it will burn.

 

I am with PK 1000% on this.

 

Once the gentleman in black screws down the lid and places us beneath the sod, we will have little call to debate these fine discriminations.

[+ sf westcoaster]

Your concern and hesitation are more than enough evidence that you should not pursue the relationship.

[Guest Wetnwildbear]

Golly Gee Jimminy Cricket and Shucks!

 

I believe in sexual freedom and love however -

 

You are not your Brothers' Wifes Keeper

 

 

You Like Him - He Likes You = You Screw till you're to sore to walk

 

 

However - You are Smart and Set Groundrules

 

1) No Socializing with the Wife

 

A) No talking about his relationship

 

2) No Talk about OUR Future - You Dont have one You are FCKBuddies -

You have a PRESENT and that is it.

 

3) Either one can break it off at anytime - No Questions

 

4) What happens in the farmhouse Stays in the farmhouse

 

5) For the Love of Lube - NO PICTURES - NO VIDEOS - NO LOVE LETTERS

 

6) Married Men who are sleeping with other people are by word and action Liars

 

7) Liars are not to be believed or trusted

 

8) Married Men are Great Fun as FCKbuddies - Keep it that way and be discreet

 

Have a Great Time - Play Safe

[GoodFella69]

Zapped... Part of a successful relationship is being with someone with whom you have sexual chemistry that you love totally, that you trust implicitly, and that you would rather be with than anyone else who also feels the same about you. That feeling of total trust is very rare.

 

It may be impossible to ever have that kind of total trust if you enter a relationship that originated with someone cheating.

[runthemhoes]

you're only on this earth once. saying sorry after is easier than being sorry for never doing it.

[Zapped]

Well, finally home from work. It's great to see all these thoughtful comments.

 

Operalover21 wrote, "Enticing a married guy into sex or a relationship is as low as it gets."

 

I fundamentally agree.

 

In this case, the married guy is very aggressively pursuing me. I'm basically fighting him off, and found my resolve weakening last night.

 

I've had dinner and drinks with him twice, both at his place. Why? The first time, just because he invited me over; I didn't know he was going to hit on me. I'm a good listener, and since I've been through much of what he's going through, I was happy to listen when he came out to me. When he came on to me, I was, to his dismay and frustration, firm that I don't mess with married guys.

 

The second time, last night, he had emailed me that he really needed to talk and he was clear about and respected the "damned boundaries" (I had emailed him that I was happy to talk about anything but would do nothing.) I remained resolute, but as he kept pressing me (and he's a very good salesman) I told him I'd think about it.

 

Operalover21 also points out that, "There are plenty of unmarried guys to go after without having to stoop this low."

 

Well, yes and no. I live in a small college/farm town, population about 6500 plus around 2300 college students. There are virtually no single gay men who aren't a student at the college (where I teach) or junior faculty young enough to be my son. I live an hour from a city, and I'm at work 10 hours a day or more (13 today, except for coming home for a 15-minute lunch; I live about a five minute walk from my office). Honest to gosh, I don't know of any unmarried guys to go after.

 

I do know two married or heterosexually partnered guys who want a sexual relationship with me. I keep saying no. But it's getting harder. I want a sex life beyond the occasional trip to the baths or hiring an escort. I don't want to be in a secret relationship with a married guy. I just want a sex life.

 

Anyway, this would be really weird regardless of the ethics. Both evenings "Dan" and I have had drinks/dinner, his wife has joined us for part of the evening. She is the house mother at a fraternity and sleeps there 4 nights a week, and she and Dan don't have dinner together those nights. She taught both my kids in high school. We see each other at church functions. She likes my company, he says.

 

They sleep in separate beds (their bedroom has twin beds) and Dan says they haven't had sex for years, that she says she doesn't like it.

 

Last night he told me he "hates women." His mother beat him. His father was a military officer who was emotionally abusive and constantly threatened to send him to military school. But he likes being married, likes his kids and grandchild, and doesn't want anything to change.

 

It is kind of twisted that he has me over for dinner with the intent of seducing me and has his wife over, too. He seems to think we could keep everything secret. It's very possible that he wants not just sexual recreation and release with me, but on some unconscious level wants to use me to hurt his wife. He "hates women," after all.

 

Well, I needed to think this through. Dan told me, "I can't believe you're so damned principled" the first time he tried to seduce me. I'll stick to my principles. Thanks for helping me think it through.

 

Now may a nice single kinky guy show up in my life!

[MsGuy]

>It's very possible that he wants not just sexual recreation and release with me, but on some unconscious level wants to use me to hurt his wife.

 

My reaction also. At the very least he is reckless of consequences. Zapped, you seem to be a man who values his standing in his community. Unless you're willing to deal with a very public denoument, pass on this one.

 

Small towns can be a bitch for gay guys. Try looking outside your usual circle of friends. One of those bachelor farmers might surprise you.

[Guest greatness]

lol

 

Hot! I watching hot working guys... Somehow they seem so sexy to me..

 

> One of those bachelor farmers might surprise you.

[Guest zipperzone]

Zapped....

 

I will never forget that look. So, now I ask a lot more questions before I start getting involved with someone. It took some time to get over that, and I know I don't ever want to look into another womans eyes and see that kind of hurt that I may have caused. This was unintentional on my part - I definately couldn't knowingly do this now.

 

I understand how you must have felt but don't be too hard on yourself. You had no idea he was married and he lied to you. You were not the that caused the hurt - he was.

[gregkidman]

This sounds too simple, but can 'Dan' ask his wife what she needs? Perhaps they can work out a deal that keeps their (sexless) marriage intact. Or tell the wife that he has needs, and they are not met at home? You had a wife that encouraged you to have sex with guys. Perhaps Dan's wife is open-minded and would welcome a change?

[Zapped]

This sounds too simple, but can 'Dan' ask his wife what she needs? Perhaps they can work out a deal that keeps their (sexless) marriage intact. Or tell the wife that he has needs, and they are not met at home? You had a wife that encouraged you to have sex with guys. Perhaps Dan's wife is open-minded and would welcome a change?

 

Thanks, Greg.

 

That occurred to me, too. But easier said than done--this is a very strange relationship here, or at least a very complex one. If "Dan" starts being honest with his wife, who knows what will happen. Same thing if he starts having sex with men--it could to all sorts of things.

 

And he obviously wants to do something behind her back. It seems like that's part of it. There is all this withheld, seething resentment of the "I hate women" sort. It's an explosion waiting to happen, and I'm excusing myself from lighting the fuse.

 

"Betty," the wife, might go along with things to keep things together but not be genuinely comfortable with it--as turned out to be the case with my wife. My hunch is that she figured things out years ago, anyway; pretty much everyone in town seems to suspect. I don't want to be in a situation where Dan says, "Honey, since you and I don't have sex do you mind if I have it with Zapped?" (I thought about that. Or a first step where he'd bring it up in the abstract.)

 

Anyway, my resolve has hardened and I'm not going to be alone with him, lest alcohol and testosterone lead to weakening of the will and hardening of something else.

[gregkidman]

And he obviously wants to do something behind her back. It seems like that's part of it. There is all this withheld, seething resentment of the "I hate women" sort. It's an explosion waiting to happen, and I'm excusing myself from lighting the fuse.

 

Not knowing Dan, do you really think that Dan has an undercurrent of 'I hate women' or just frustration that he doesn't have a sexual outlet? Also, he probably is getting a thrill out of just trying to get something; not really getting to the goal, just the trip to it.

[Zapped]

Not knowing Dan, do you really think that Dan has an undercurrent of 'I hate women' or just frustration that he doesn't have a sexual outlet? Also, he probably is getting a thrill out of just trying to get something; not really getting to the goal, just the trip to it.

 

Hi (and Happy Thanksgiving)!

 

Dan actually said to me "I hate women," and explained it he attributes it to abuse from his mother. I'd say part of him hates women. (I don't remember if I mentioned that in my original post or not.) The rest of him is a great guy, seems to get along with his wife, and from what I know he is a great dad and grandfather and has a fine relationship with his grown daughter. He's yearning for sex. And really needs a therapist.

 

I think you're right about the thrill of getting something. He's a salesman by profession and I think the challenge of "getting me" is something he relishes.

[+ purplekow]

Maybe he is a lonely gay man in a sexless but otherwise comfortable marriage who needs some physical comfort and a friend. You don't have to be that friend, but consider that in small town America, the opportunities for senior gay men, hell for gay men period, is limited. He may see you as a person who can add to the quality of his life and to whose life he may be able to add to the quality as well.

He could be a leech who sees you as a possible notch on his bedpost of conquests.

Consider why you set the limits you have set on your sex life and decide whether this man is worth expanding those limits. If he is, do it. If he is not, then pass and keep your distance.