Why do we accept it?

[BewareofNick]

In the course of recent discussions here there and elsewhere, I came across a comment about the prevalence of drug use in the gay community. The consensus seems to be that drug use is fairly well accepted and viewed by a lot of us as "no big deal". Some of you know that I have a son who is a crystal meth addict. His use ebbs and flows but is sadly on the upswing again.

 

He parties with men of all ages from 18 upwards of 50. Now, I know that not all gay men use drugs, but why is the use so prevalent and accepted? Should we not be condemning drug use whenever and wherever we see it?

[+ Lucky]

Atlantis Cruise Death

 

[KMEM]

I comdemn it but what do I know? I am an old fogey who lives in the 18th century according to some.

 

I am sorry you are having this cross to bear. As a very young person I first became aware of drug abuse. This was much before the 60's and the "hippie culture" and its' drug use. I have no idea why I was able to avoid any such drug use but I am grateful for that now.

 

Best regards,

KMEM

[+ g56whiz]

I am an old fogey who lives in the 18th century according to some.

 

Not a bad century to abide in KMEM; what with Bach and Handel at one end and Mozart and Haydn at the other and the Enlightenment in throughout.

 

In the age of aids, I understood drug use and smoking among gays as a rational approach to the assumption that you would die too soon anyway of the dreadful curse. But beginning with AZT and the wonder drugs that followed, drug use and smoking began to abate some among gays but not to the extent that the new outlook on life expectancy might have predicted. I still maintain (with no proof at hand) that drug use and the fear of aids are somehow connected.

[Guest DuchessIvanaKizznhugg]

2 cents....

 

Now, I know that not all gay men use drugs, but why is the use so prevalent and accepted?

 

BoN, I'm sorry to hear of this adversity in your life....I'm sure it's a difficult one to make any sense of.

 

With respect to why drug use is so prevalent, I think there are a number of reasons:

 

-gays have historically been a "taboo" or "fringe" group to the larger mainstream culture, and as a result I suspect we find it easier to dabble in other "taboo" or "fringe" behaviour. Unfortunately dabbling in some behaviours becomes highly addictive.

 

-growing up gay outside of mainstream acceptance (or worse, reviled) and lacking positive role models places a greater psychological burden on the individual, forcing him to look to other coping mechanisms (tobacco, drinking, soft and hard drugs)to deal with the stress of day to day living, and with finding/making our place in society at large

 

-greater disposable income and greater disposable personal time (than if we had kids), allows for investigation of "alternative" behaviour (not to get all Churchy, but "Idle hands are the devil's playground" sort of captures what I mean here)

 

As for why do we accept it/tolerate it? Perhaps having grown up being unfairly judged by those around us, we're leery of judging others' approach to their own life....even when they may be engaged in behaviour that is self-damaging. As well, unless we have a strong bond with the affected individual, we many not even be aware how serious the problem is.

 

I suspect the reasons are as individual as the individuals themselves.

[josephga]

I have a cousin that's been addicted to pain killers for years. he lost his home wife and any visitation rights with his child. He now lives with his parents going on 4 years who walk around with their heads up their asses not willing to admit he is an addict. To make matters worse he was severely burned a few years ago and became even more addicted to the pills. personally have never even seen any type of illegal drugs in person. I have a friend in Kansas she and her husband are former meth addicts going on 8 years of being clean.. Now her oldest son has discovered meth.

[KMEM]

Not a bad century to abide in KMEM; what with Bach and Handel at one end and Mozart and Haydn at the other and the Enlightenment in throughout.

 

In the age of aids, I understood drug use and smoking among gays as a rational approach to the assumption that you would die too soon anyway of the dreadful curse. But beginning with AZT and the wonder drugs that followed, drug use and smoking began to abate some among gays but not to the extent that the new outlook on life expectancy might have predicted. I still maintain (with no proof at hand) that drug use and the fear of aids are somehow connected.

 

g56-

 

You can't go wrong with Mozart, Haydn, Bach and Handel.

 

I am sure you are correct in your assumption that "life without reasonable hope was contribitory to some's drug use". The truth sometimes hurts very much.

 

Thanks for your input.

 

Best regards,

KMEM

[raulgmanzo]

Why do so many people accept the use of alcohol? Or eating sugar laden crap?

Why is it okay to drive a car which makes us fat and lazy and litters the air we breathe

with known carcinogens? Why do so many people bare-back? Why do we support despotic

anti-democratic regimes for more oil to make us lazier, fatter and pollute more?

Why do we sit in front of televisions for hours a day? Why do they serve white bread in

hospitals of all places? Why do we accept the absurdity of driving a mile or two to the gym to walk or run several miles on a treadmill or stationary bicycle?

 

Demonizing "drugs" while ignoring the other bad or unhealthy things we do is counterproductive.

 

We should end the prohibition on drugs and shift the BILLIONS of drug war enforcement funding to education and rehabilitation. Prohibition didn't work with alcohol and it doesn't work with other drugs.

[+ Lucky]

Raul, you missed a few! Why do we accept the mistreatment of women? Why do we accept sexual slavery? Why do we accept being treated like cattle at the airport? Why do we accept no hard cocks on the website...oops, that might not count!

[+ David-SF]

Addiction a disease of isolation

 

Condemning drug use is just as helpful as sticking the needle in the arm of the addict or the pipe, pill, bottle or other form of transport.

 

Drug addiction is isolating and lonely there is no trust nor friendships in that world so to have a healthy family member or friend or society for that matter stand in judgment just creates more isolation and frustration for everyone including a drug addict that feels hopeless and trapped unable to stop using by any means.

 

 

 

I had a friend addicted to Meth for a few years

I remember how helpless I felt

there was nothing I could do for him that would help him.

 

 

He got clean on his own. he sought out help and recovered.

I tried a lot of crazy things to help him get clean none of it worked. he had to do it. he had to have his own path.

 

 

Last year that same friend began to deteriorate from HIV/AIDS related problems. I watched as he went into a coma and came out of it I watched as he began his slow journey to hospice care.

again I remember how helpless I felt.

He died while I was working in Seattle suddenly

 

That's when I realized that "Addiction" is like a disease. An incurable one at that.

Hope for the drug addict comes from having compassion and good strong boundaries along with lots of information and a wealth of support for the friends and family that are enduring this type of illness.

Its not much different than if your friend was diagnosed with cancer.

would you say hey I hate that you have cancer stop having cancer or would you say what can i do to help.

 

like most diseases treatment is available and can be managed and sometimes ........... sometimes the disease is arrested and long happy useful lives come from it. .........HOPE PREVAILS

 

Its not cancer or aids but its deadly and the ripple effects are far reaching.

 

I hope BofN you will arm yourself with the information and compassion you will certainly need if you have not already. I hope you find peace in this situation.

Feel free to contact me at anytime if you need any kind of support.

 

BIG HUG David

[KMEM]

David-

 

If I read your post correctly basically you are stating that there is nothing another can do to help except stand by, ready and willing to lend a hand. That seems reason enough to condemn drug addiction if not casual use.

 

I am very sorry for your experiences but, as you state, addictions of any kind are very difficult to overcome and until the addicted person is ready and willing to help himself, even close friends are only observers.

 

 

There are plenty of habit forming and addictive substances available, some legal and some not so legal. We all must deal with each of them one way or another.

 

Best regards,

KMEM

[+ David-SF]

probably off topic

 

I am not known for my writing skills so I hope I have not left anything but a message of support.

 

I think casual use of drugs or other things is not a topic i can speak about because casual usage of drugs has never affected my life.

 

Condemning drugs or the use of drugs is not what I meant I meant condemning the addict.

 

I may have been off topic of the OP when writing I tend to wrap my mind around an experience and want to share whats in my heart.

 

I was just being supportive

I know less and less everyday it keeps me teachable

xo David

[Guest greatness]

It's so unfortunate

 

I am sorry about your son. I hope he quits meth and starts a new life.

 

In the course of recent discussions here there and elsewhere, I came across a comment about the prevalence of drug use in the gay community. The consensus seems to be that drug use is fairly well accepted and viewed by a lot of us as "no big deal". Some of you know that I have a son who is a crystal meth addict. His use ebbs and flows but is sadly on the upswing again.

 

He parties with men of all ages from 18 upwards of 50. Now, I know that not all gay men use drugs, but why is the use so prevalent and accepted? Should we not be condemning drug use whenever and wherever we see it?

[raulgmanzo]

I thought what David wrote was beautiful.

 

Having compassion, and providing at least some kind of emotional support makes one far from helpless. If not for the love of life and others what reason would an addict have to avoid wagering his (maybe miserable) life for some euphoria?

 

Isolation and condemnation don't seem helpful. But one doesn't have to condone the drug use either. However demonizing things or actions seems to put up barriers to communication and treatment.

 

Friends and family of the addict also need support and are often also hurt by condemnation and isolation of the addict.

[+ Gar1eth]

Raul, you missed a few! Why do we accept the mistreatment of women? Why do we accept sexual slavery? Why do we accept being treated like cattle at the airport? Why do we accept no hard cocks on the website...oops, that might not count!

 

Raul and Lucky--normally I agree with you but not on this. Drugs like crystal meth are not ok---while in a perfect world anarchy would be great--no laws because all people act correctly all the time--people aren't perfect. There are slippery slopes and in my opinion, dangerous illicit drugs are one of them. And I agree with Raul that there are other problems that society faces, but to say that we are not going to try to keep dangerous drugs off the streets because we don't deal with other societal ills is cutting off your nose to spite your face.

 

Gman

[BewareofNick]

Thanks everyone for your comments.

 

Its taken me a few years to come to terms with the idea that I cannot save him. When he got bad the last time, I told his mother and his boyfriend. His mother was mad at me for not telling her sooner, but she also revealed that she already knew. Mothers always do, don't they?

 

In the course of telling his boyfriend, I also let his bf know about all the other men my son was tricking with when high. At the time, my son was 23 and his bf was 18. I felt a kid of 18 had a right to know that his health was being imperiled. I also notified his supplier's legitimate employer about the man's drug use.

 

Needless to say, I accomplished very little.

 

Sure, his use went down, and he actually got a job that he kept for 2 years. He broke up with the bf and now is dating and living with a man my age. He just recently lost his job.

 

Of course, he found a new dealer and found new friends to get high with and recently spent the weekend with a new friend and the first supplier. The new bf has no clue that my son is getting high and cheating on him.

 

So, what have I done? Nothing. He knows I know, but I will not repeat the same mistakes twice. It took a long time to heal our rift, and he told me he eventually realized I did what I did because I love him, but it would serve no purpose to do it all over again. There will always be a new supplier, a new friend, etc, until he decides its time to stop.

 

It breaks my heart because he is my world. A drug addict's addiction can easily become a family members' addiction, but I know now I cannot save him from himself.

 

So, i try to help others where i can. I speak out against it, I volunteer at youth groups and share my story.

 

But it hurts. it really does.

[Guest greatness]

well

 

I am so sorry about your hardship. Think positively and don't give up. It is unfortunate.

 

Thanks everyone for your comments.

 

Its taken me a few years to come to terms with the idea that I cannot save him. When he got bad the last time, I told his mother and his boyfriend. His mother was mad at me for not telling her sooner, but she also revealed that she already knew. Mothers always do, don't they?

 

In the course of telling his boyfriend, I also let his bf know about all the other men my son was tricking with when high. At the time, my son was 23 and his bf was 18. I felt a kid of 18 had a right to know that his health was being imperiled. I also notified his supplier's legitimate employer about the man's drug use.

 

Needless to say, I accomplished very little.

 

Sure, his use went down, and he actually got a job that he kept for 2 years. He broke up with the bf and now is dating and living with a man my age. He just recently lost his job.

 

Of course, he found a new dealer and found new friends to get high with and recently spent the weekend with a new friend and the first supplier. The new bf has no clue that my son is getting high and cheating on him.

 

So, what have I done? Nothing. He knows I know, but I will not repeat the same mistakes twice. It took a long time to heal our rift, and he told me he eventually realized I did what I did because I love him, but it would serve no purpose to do it all over again. There will always be a new supplier, a new friend, etc, until he decides its time to stop.

 

It breaks my heart because he is my world. A drug addict's addiction can easily become a family members' addiction, but I know now I cannot save him from himself.

 

So, i try to help others where i can. I speak out against it, I volunteer at youth groups and share my story.

 

But it hurts. it really does.

[KMEM]

BoN-

 

We have had our differences of opinion in the past and no doubt will do so in the future but there is no difference of opinion about the waste and cost of your son's addiction. I know you know that you are not alone in suffering with this. We all have friends and family who have been similarly stricken. I am sure that you know of support groups and are keeping very busy to keep your mind removed as much as possible from grieving. Just like your son will have to decide when and how he will deal with his problem, you also have to do the same. It seems you are well into that mode.

 

Best regards,

KMEM

[William]

Beware of Nick's Posting Is Worth Reading Over and Over

 

To Beware of Nick, your posting captures the complexities of this problem better than anything else I have read in 10 years. Does it ameliorate your pain that your beautiful telling of it has touched other people (such as me)? That it has educated us?

 

For those of us with younger children, what can parents do to reduce the possibility of drug use by our adolescent kids? Any ideas? I know that there is no sure-fire prevention, but what is most helpful?

 

 

Thanks everyone for your comments.

 

Its taken me a few years to come to terms with the idea that I cannot save him. When he got bad the last time, I told his mother and his boyfriend. His mother was mad at me for not telling her sooner, but she also revealed that she already knew. Mothers always do, don't they?

 

In the course of telling his boyfriend, I also let his bf know about all the other men my son was tricking with when high. At the time, my son was 23 and his bf was 18. I felt a kid of 18 had a right to know that his health was being imperiled. I also notified his supplier's legitimate employer about the man's drug use.

 

Needless to say, I accomplished very little.

 

Sure, his use went down, and he actually got a job that he kept for 2 years. He broke up with the bf and now is dating and living with a man my age. He just recently lost his job.

 

Of course, he found a new dealer and found new friends to get high with and recently spent the weekend with a new friend and the first supplier. The new bf has no clue that my son is getting high and cheating on him.

 

So, what have I done? Nothing. He knows I know, but I will not repeat the same mistakes twice. It took a long time to heal our rift, and he told me he eventually realized I did what I did because I love him, but it would serve no purpose to do it all over again. There will always be a new supplier, a new friend, etc, until he decides its time to stop.

 

It breaks my heart because he is my world. A drug addict's addiction can easily become a family members' addiction, but I know now I cannot save him from himself.

 

So, i try to help others where i can. I speak out against it, I volunteer at youth groups and share my story.

 

But it hurts. it really does.

[BewareofNick]

To Beware of Nick, your posting captures the complexities of this problem better than anything else I have read in 10 years. Does it ameliorate your pain that your beautiful telling of it has touched other people (such as me)? That it has educated us?

 

For those of us with younger children, what can parents do to reduce the possibility of drug use by our adolescent kids? Any ideas? I know that there is no sure-fire prevention, but what is most helpful?

 

Education is the best way, but as with everything in life, there are no guarantees.

 

People see the "glamorous" side of drugs. The hot bodies, the hotter sex, the sheer indulgence and the lack of inhibition. They don't like to see the downside. They don't want to hear about meth mouth or liver failure or contracting HIV or any other number of diseases. I think you really have to put it in their face. Drug use comes with a price that no one escapes. No one.

 

Above all you have to be honest with your kids. You can't rail against the evils of drug use when you're sitting there getting shit faced with a 12 pack of Bud. Yeah, its legal, but alcohol destroys lives the same way drugs do.

 

Even with all that though, all it takes sometimes is peer pressure. "AW c'mon just try it". That's what happened with my son.

 

The best thing to do is keep the communication lines open.

 

The one thing I absolutely know though is that you CANNOT become an enabler if all else fails and they do start using. If they steal from you, have them arrested. If they end up in jail because they took your car without permission and they were driving on a suspended license, don't bail them out. If they are out on probation, don't pay their probation for them. If they can't pay, let them go to jail. If you find the drugs in your home, either report it to the police or kick them out. You may regret it if you don't.

 

But it's easy to say all that now in hindsight. Its harder when you're living it.

[BewareofNick]

BoN-

 

We have had our differences of opinion in the past and no doubt will do so in the future but there is no difference of opinion about the waste and cost of your son's addiction. I know you know that you are not alone in suffering with this. We all have friends and family who have been similarly stricken. I am sure that you know of support groups and are keeping very busy to keep your mind removed as much as possible from grieving. Just like your son will have to decide when and how he will deal with his problem, you also have to do the same. It seems you are well into that mode.

 

Best regards,

KMEM

 

"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it," - Evelyn Beatrice Hall

 

Thank you. Its the letting go that is the hard part. I feel as though if I stop fighting then "they" (the dealers, the drugs, etc) win. Then I realize that by keeping me in this web they already have.

[GoodFella69]

You Are Not Alone...

 

I have a gay brother who is addicted to crystal meth. He, too, has lost his children, car, home, nursing license, etc... I swore that I could shell out no more money to bail him out. But, it's so difficult to watch someone you love devolve into a miserable, hopeless abyss. Yesterday, I caved again and paid to turn his gas (heat) back on so that he would be warm as winter approaches here in Chicago. Am I an idiot for helping again? I feel helpless either way.

[josephga]

I always thought my cousin losing his wife home and especially the loss of seeing his child would be his rock bottom. Nope nothing changed. Last year around Christmas time his father collapsed in the back yard from a brain aneurysm. He was so doped up He waited 3 hrs b4 calling 911 to help his own father. Even with the near loss of his father still nothing changed.

[raulgmanzo]

I agree that one should avoid being an enabler. But at times the distinction between constructive support and enabling is fuzzy. Which to me means making these decisions individually, not making dogmatic judgments. Do some research on harm reduction, it can besides reducing harm (and unfortunatley sometimes enabling) open up a channels of communication and trust, and respect.

 

As a kid I didn't get along with my father and a big part of that was his heavy ( a fifth of vodka most nights) drinking. Even as an adult years after moving away from home I avoided much communication with my dad. But one year we traveled from our respective cities to an out of town family wedding and found ourselves sharing a guest bedroom. When he unpacked his bottle of booze for the night I somehow was blessed with the inspiration to say non-judgmetally: "drink a lot of water with that, you'll feel better in the morning". Or something like that. It may sound silly but to this day I believe it was a turning point in our relationship. To the point where in later visits we were able to calmly talk about his quitting or cutting back. I eventually learned that a big part of his drinking was self medication for physical problems that I never dreamed he had. Had we known earlier we might have investigated other avenues of treatment. He did eventually quit but by then the alcohol had already caused a lot of damage. He ended up dying at age 61 which was far too young for a man who had once been a champion gymnast. But still I'm very thankful for our closeness in his final years.

 

 

Education is the best way, but as with everything in life, there are no guarantees.

...

The best thing to do is keep the communication lines open.

 

The one thing I absolutely know though is that you CANNOT become an enabler if all else fails and they do start using.

...

[uwsman2]

Thanks, Raul

 

That was a wonderful story to relate... Bringing problems out in the open is frequently the best solution.