Query for Fin Fang Foom

[Uncle Bill]

RE: Query for Everyone

 

Lighten up Rick. FFF could have easily used his same skills on one of my long-winded and occassionally stilted reviews, and it would still have been funny as hell. It isn't nearly as mean spirited as much of what passes for discussion on this board.

[Traveller]

F3,

 

I couldn't even remotely do justice to today's bodice-ripping review of Klaus. Do you have any comments?

 

Later.

 

PS. If the pic is right, I think I'll have to have Klaus very soon, however.

[chrismac]

I read it too - he seems great. A new discovery perhaps?

 

But $400/hour? That's got to be a mistake. The reviewer said that he prefered longer first dates, so maybe the $400 is for two hours.

[Guest Fin Fang Foom]

To be perfectly honest, I read that review this morning and I wanted to do a line by line commentary but 1) I didn't have the time, and 2) I felt it would be a little like shooting fish in a barrel.

 

What I was thinking while I read it was: "You just KNOW this guy is a horrible lay." (The john, not Klaus)

 

Guys who relate to bumping uglies in such a flowery and prosaic way are awful in bed.

 

And, they normally own a cat.

 

Informatively yours,

 

FFF

[Traveller]

>Guys who relate to bumping uglies in such a flowery and

>prosaic way are awful in bed.

 

F3, I'm not so sure of that. Doesn't "explorating" involve a snorkel?

 

>And, they normally own a cat.

 

The name is undoubtedly Fluffy....and it's a male.

 

Later.

[Guest Fin Fang Foom]

In response to emails, I will now pick apart this morning's review of Klaus.

 

Experience:

 

After "meeting" Klaus on line,

 

Thank for you putting "meeting" in quotes - otherwise, most have us would have thought you were physically able to travel cyber-space.

 

we exchanged emails to get to know

one another better and set up our first get together. During that

process my level of trust in Klaus grew so that I was comfortable in

sending him my (face) pic before he'd favored me with his.

 

Before he FAVORED you? You just know this guy wears an ascot when he goes to the theatre.

 

 

He arrived as arranged right on schedule at my midtown hotel room.

I almost fell over when I spied him through the peephole! But the full

impact didn't come until I opened the door and he said his first words

to me. Klaus's eyes and smile would soften anyone's heart.

 

Let's send him down to Camp X-Ray and talk to THOSE guys.

 

Immediately I knew I'd found a real treat. Our conversation started off effortlessly, and we became so interested in one another (as people)

 

As oppossed to plankton.

 

that we lost all track of time.

 

Trust me bitch, he was watchin' the clock.

 

(I'm a bit of a talker, I'll admit.)

 

People who admit that they're "a bit of a talker" are like those who say they're a bit overweight when in fact, they're big as a house.

 

We had agreed on a long first date (as I prefer) so the time was certainly not wasted.

 

While the meter is running he'd rather be listening you yap than be fucking your saggy ass.

 

Klaus is very bright, thoughtful and warm; he seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me well. (It also became clear that he is quite comfortable with men older than he.)

 

It's a good thing since he's a whore.

 

We broke the ice (barely a light frost by this time)

 

The nightmare begins.

 

by taking a shower together. It quickly turned into a shared bath which aforded me the chance to explore his 98% perfect body with me lips and tongue.

 

Is this guy Irish? "Ah laddie, I be exploring your body with me lips and tongue!"

 

What discoveries were made!

 

The Lindburg baby, perhaps?

 

I have engaged many top-quality men over the years, but Klaus is perhaps the most unselfconsciously enthusiastic recipient of my "favors" to date.

 

ewwwwwwwwwwww

 

The view from below of his Apollonian physique with a light "rain" streaming over his muscles -- tight and natural -- remains etched in my memory.

 

You just know his refrigerator is covered with REALLY old Colt model pictures.

 

We then repaired to my king bed

 

Another hideous verb choice.

 

for further explorating

 

EXPLORATING?

 

and testing a very wide array of angles.

 

Sex via a game of Twister.

 

We found many that pleasured us both.

 

Which means there were some that DIDN'T pleasure them both. I'll give you one guess who didn't find these pleasurable.

 

Klaus's trembling and sighs clearly demonstrated his appreciation of a skilled admirer.

 

OR, the trembling was waves of revulsion and the sighing was crushing boredom.

 

Oh so smoothly (and with only so much as a whispered "would you

have some condoms handy?")

 

The romance is almost more than I can bear.

 

Klaus led us to the next stage.

 

I'm sure Klaus felt a little like Dante being led to yet another circle of hell.

 

Rather than detail our fucking,

 

THANK YOU GOD!

 

I'll just say that he raeched

 

Uh oh, he's slipping into latin.

 

my pleasure points as if he'd known where they were all along.

 

Honey, they're in the same place on all of us.

 

(I didn't ask and don't normally offer my services as an anal top, but I do believe Klaus is open to that.)

 

That might be so loverboy, but with you? Not even at gunpoint.

 

Recalling my prior suggestion, Klaus withdrew smoothly and we finished with incredibly deep and simultaneous (my favorite!) orgasms.

 

A PHOTO FINISH!

 

I'll have to admit that Klaus's continued way longer than mine -- like an 18 year old's. (I thought for a moment I should card him to verify his age.)

 

Well, it's obvious this guy isn't a priest.

 

His cock was gloriously hard throughout our play time but not so stiff that it wouldn't bend as needed to round the corners.

 

YIKES! BENDING AROUND CORNERS?!?!?!? What is his cock - a Snake Light?

 

His thickness may be a bit of a challenge to some, but he well knows how to assist a client in making the most of it. Simply put, it's beautiful!

 

And Apollonian, lest we forget!

 

All in all, I must say that Klaus is one of the very few escorts who share my top ranking. Despite his being a bit older (30) than many

I've engaged previously, he has a youthful outlook and love of life that is only enhanced my his relative maturity.

 

As oppossed to all those jaded and emotionally withered 30 year olds.

 

I believe Klaus is working on setting up a website. My only hope is

that Klaus keeps some space on his dance card for me when I'm

working in NYC because he'll be as busy as he chooses to be once

that's done.

 

If you keep shelling out $400, he'll find room on his "dance card" - just don't ask to fuck him.

 

You:

 

I'm thought to be mid-40s

 

Uh huh, yeah, right.

 

but actually I'm 55. I travel frequently b/w SF and the East Coast. I'm trim, in decent shape, work too hard, and skilled (or so I'm told) at giving oral and enjoy being topped by the right man -- someone like Klaus, for example.

 

I'm off to an appointment.

 

Loveyoumissyoumeanit.

 

Affectionately yours,

 

FFF

[Traveller]

>We broke the ice (barely a light frost by this time)

>

>The nightmare begins.

>

 

Lord, this is where the tears started streaming down my face. Excellent work. Perfect way to start a weekend. That, and some shots, and some bumps and some cocks.

 

Later.

[BewareofNick]

BRAVO!!! Well done, old bean!!

[Guest JH]

That is the first time in many, many months I've LOL to a response on this board. Thank you so much, it's been a shit day up until now!

[+ imagooddog]

FFF -

That was WONDERFUL !! I have not had such a good laugh in a long time. Keep up the good work !:-) :) :)

[Guest DCeBOY]

trav, why must you encourage him?

oh wait... according to his & thunderbuns' rules, one must use feminine pronouns when referring to a male one doesn't like...

trav, why must you encourage her?

[Guest DickHo]

Because he is fabulous! Great work FFF...I laughed heartily.

 

I bet the john's cat name is "Mr. Wellington" 'cause he would find "Fluffy" to be too pedestrian.

[Guest alanm]

I just read sforalgiver's first review: Derek #2/SF whom he saw in 12/2000. While the review is a bit over the top, it consists of only a short paragraph. Also, the self description is less offensive. But,

he was only 54 in 2000. I guess he looks younger now.

 

While I got a big laugh out of FFF deconstruction of the review, I feel badly for sforalgiver. But, the review was a sitting duck for satire! You guys can be tough to someone who is clueless about this site.

[BewareofNick]

>trav, why must you encourage him?

>oh wait... according to his & thunderbuns' rules, one must

>use feminine pronouns when referring to a male one doesn't

>like...

>trav, why must you encourage her?

 

I can't speak for FFF, but in the Chad Donovan thread in the deli, I started referring to Chad as "Miss" and "her" because in Chad's response he referred to the client who wrote the bad review as "her". I thought in that instance that turnabout was fair play, especially in light of the fact that Chad appears to have lied to Hooboy about her escorting activities.

[Rod Hagen]

Excellent, but what the fuck is an ascot?

[BewareofNick]

>Excellent, but what the fuck is an ascot?

 

An ascot is an what they call an escort in Boston.

[Rick Munroe]

RE: Query for Everyone

 

>You guys can be tough to someone

>who is clueless about this site.

 

I don't see where the reviewer was "clueless about this site" at all...he posted a review of his experience. Was there something else about this site that he needed to know?

 

FFF's "critique" is mean-spirited; just the sort of thing that can make people refrain from posting reviews at all. Even though this is an anonymous board, people can still take things personally. Look what happened recently when Suntan4 posted about his "straight" sex buddy and it grew into an argumentative thread about "gay vs. straight." Even though this is all anonymous, Suntan took it personally & vowed he wouldn't start another thread for a while.

 

FFF's attacking style (inferring that the reviewer is unattractive and that Klaus probably did not enjoy being with him) is completely unnecessary and contrary to the purpose of this site (reviewing escorts; not clients' writing styles). I'm not suggesting that we all have to like everything we read here...but what is to be gained from mocking someone for no apparent reason? Has FFF seen a pic of the reviewer to warrant his assumptions? And why does FFF assume that just because the man hires escorts, he is unattractive? I'm no psychiatrist but perhaps this says more about how FFF feels about himself that about "sforalgiver." Did those of you who found it funny take comfort in the knowlege that you aren't as unattractive as, according to FFF, this reviewer must surely be?

 

The other day, I posted a humorous (to me, anyway) response to a post in the "Ask an Escort" forum, where I made "pun" of an expression the poster used. Someone took me to task for it, and I apologized, even though others agreed with me that my intention (and the outcome) had not been a personal attack on the poster. This is not the case with FFF's post above. We could take any review and if we picked it apart piece by piece, I'm sure we could find something funny or exaggerated, etc...but is that really what we want to do here? Let's make up our minds...do you want to encourage first-time (or 100th time) reviewers to post reviews so you can make an educated choice before you hire, or do you want to ridicule them so they won't?

[Guest Thunderbuns]

>trav, why must you encourage him?

>oh wait... according to his & thunderbuns' rules, one must

>use feminine pronouns when referring to a male one doesn't

>like...

 

Well you don't really have to - like it's not mandetory or anything and certainly not written in stone and I don't think it actually a rule or anything well, maybe it's a rule, I'm not too certain on that, but we could always check with FFF and see what his opinion would be - it's kinda like - well I don't know exactly - maybe one could call it an option? It's more like - well you know - if the writer really pisses you off - and you are at a loss for words, you can always revert to the ridiculous. And know what? Nine times out of ten the gender chosen is pretty close to the truth. But then again if it offends your sensibilities you can always just substitute the masculine and get on with your fucking life!

 

Thunderbuns

[Guest Thunderbuns]

>>Excellent, but what the fuck is an ascot?

>

>An ascot is an what they call an escort in Boston.

 

No it's not - it's what happens to your butt when the screen door slams shut too quickly.

 

Thunderbuns

[Guest gregg15555]

FFF ... This is absolutely fantastic!!

 

It was such a surprise to come to the Message Center (which has become so boring lately) and find your response. I actually chuckled out loud -- more than once.

 

You are incredible! Keep it up! What a great way to start my day!!!

[Guest Fin Fang Foom]

RE: Query for Everyone

 

It sounds like someone is a little jealous of the fact that people are saying nice things about me for a change and not gushing about his ass and over-rated cocksucking skills.

 

........oops, that slipped.

 

I'm reminded of the little girl who, always wanting attention, makes a scene if everyone isn't doting on her and telling her how pretty, talented and smart she is.

 

Humbly yours,

 

FFF

[Guest Thunderbuns]

RE: Query for Everyone

 

>FFF's "critique" is mean-spirited; just the sort of thing

>that can make people refrain from posting reviews at all.

 

>Let's make up our minds...do you want to encourage

>first-time (or 100th time) reviewers to post reviews so you

>can make an educated choice before you hire, or do you want

>to ridicule them so they won't?

 

Come on Rick - I have to side with FFF on this one. You must admit the review was a little "over the top". After reading it I immediately thought it had been written by Barbara Cartland. ;-)

 

Thunderbuns

[Rod Hagen]

RE: Query for Everyone

 

> After reading

>it I immediately thought it had been written by Barbara

>Cartland. ;-)

 

Who?

[Guest alanm]

RE: Query for Everyone

 

The reviewer is clueless in the sense that he has only written two

reviews 16 months apart. You have to wonder how many reviews he has read. The style IS overly romantic and his self description is funny

to anyone who has read a lot of reviews.

 

Having said that, FFF comments most likely would not be funny to the reviewer, who had a wonderful time with the escort. Rick is on target about FFF's assumption that the reviewer is ugly. It is a cheap shot.

Also, Rick's view point is a very valid "devil's advocate" response.

Rather that accusing him of promoting himself, he should get credit

for doing something escort do not always do: putting himself in the line of fire to be shot at (as he has been.)

[Guest Thunderbuns]

RE: Query for Everyone

 

>> After reading

>>it I immediately thought it had been written by Barbara

>>Cartland. ;-)

>

>Who?

 

An ageing, very prolific English author who wrote what seems like hundreds of breast beating trashy novels about romantic love and sex. They always had the most lurid covers when released in paperback editions. Come to think of it, they probably were only released in paperback. She made mega bucks - or would it be mega pounds, now called mega euros?

 

And the most interesting thing about her is that she was directly related to the late Princess Diana. I think they were even considered to be "close"

 

I haven't done this I'd bet if you ran her through Amazon, you would see mucho titles.

 

Thunderbuns