The Holidays, Family & Being Gay

[Guest BenDover]

I'm stuffed.

[+ Lucky]

I'm speechless.

[Guest spendlove]

In some cultures family relationships are stronger than others. I can't relate to the idea that it is best to skip family gatherings because your sexual peference makes you different from the other people there. To me, family is so much more important than sexual behavior, which is a trivial issue. If you cut yourself off from family then you are truly alone in the world.

[Guest jeffOH]

>In some cultures family relationships are stronger than

>others. I can't relate to the idea that it is best to skip

>family gatherings because your sexual peference makes you

>different from the other people there. To me, family is so

>much more important than sexual behavior, which is a trivial

>issue. If you cut yourself off from family then you are

>truly alone in the world.

 

To me, family is so much more important than my sexual behavior, but to my family it has never been a trivial issue. My family has had 20 years to deal with it and they're no further along than when I first came out. Through my family I began to understand what "conditional"

love was and through my "chosen" family I have found "unconditional" love. I have not been home for a family gathering for over 6 years now. I feel like Thanksgiving should be spent with people with whom

I share "unconditional" love. I am truly thankful for the friends that I have in my life. There's a love and an understanding that I never had with my family. I may have cut myself off from my family, but I feel far from alone. I feel truly loved.

 

Jeff4hire@aol.com:-)

[Guest WetDream]

Ben: But did you finally GET stuffed? Inquiring minds want to know. }>

[Bilbo]

XH - Yes, coming out would make a differnce in your lonliness. It would first show your own self acceptance and pride in who you are and what you have accomplished so far.

Then it would make it a shit load easier for you to go to gay places and hang around with gay people. Find a club for gay afficianados of something that you really enjoy that has nothing to do with sex. Religion? MCC, Firearms? Pink Pistols, etc. etc.

And without self acceptance and gay friends and acquaintances, just what is your current plan for finding/attracting a mate of your own?

 

And then, don't be surprised when your family lets you know that they know that you are gay, that they are happy that you are happier than you were, and that they are about to blow a gasket if you don't bring your other half to family occaisions with you! (Sure, sometimes it works the other way, but why should we assume without statistics that it usually works the other way? I prefer to know in my middle that it usually works the accepting way.)

[duke37]

Thanks all for the kind words. I came out to the family this week. It had sort of a mad "Inspector Clousseau" quality to it as I raced from one person to another one at a time to tell them before the gossip got to them.

 

I recieved a wide array of reactions, most positive, some surprised, a few nasty. But now that its done I can say it was harder to do than I imagined and it feels much better that I could have ever dreamed. For the first time in my life I have had a real adult conversation with my mother. She had revelations too. What took us so long?

 

Rick Munroe and Derek helped push me into coming out. They didn't mean to, in fact they didn't mention it at all. But the loving relationship they exhibit was a stinging indictment of my carefully contrived notion that I was happy alone in the closet. How can I be so dishonest to those I call my family and friends?

 

I dont know where the power of family comes from. Maybe something primal in the fact they share so much of your DNA code. All I can say is that I'm glad they are with me. I have a lot to be thankful for. JeffOH reminds us that not everyone gets so easy a pass. Thank you all for listening and sharing. Jeff

[Guest soccerstud]

Well, Duke and I did it together, I guess. What a great "community" to be part of.

My experience yesterday (Friday) was different from Duke's. My kids and I were around the table for post-Thanksgiving lunch, and I started telling them that ever since I was a teenager in the '50's growing up that I knew I was gay, but that the overwhleming conformity of the '50's (supplanted by the reaction of the '60's) allowed for no one to be different. After I recounted my journey (including coming out to my wife a year and a half ago), 1 kid was crying with tears of compassion and gave me many hugs and kisses, the other was (predictably) stunned with a deer in the headlights look. We all spent the rest of the day together. Clearly one has been and will be embracing and fully OK. The other will be fine in time--I of course realize it's not easy to be told your dad is gay. (They are about 30.) Both my wife and I felt really good afterwards.

 

I had been at peace with the whole process (although, of course, apprehensive). I am more at peace with myself now than in a long time.

Thanks again to all of you for your thoughts and suggestions. I am better for "knowing" all of you.

[bluenix]

Good going, soccerstud and duke.

 

Who we are is a story that progresses.

[Guest jeffOH]

Congratulations Duke and Soccer...it's a big step towards living your

life in the Truth as opposed to living your life for others.

 

It was not an easy time for me, but I am glad I told my parents. How

they dealt with the Truth was up to them. Obviously, they have not done well. I tried for years to get them to talk more openly about it,

but after about 10 years of that...I grew frustrated by the whole thing and gradually stopped going home.

 

Some parents and families react more positively than mine, but some are just like mine. Then, there are those who are completely ostracized. I was sad for what could have been, not for what we actually had. Once I let go of the romanticized version of our relationship, it wasn't quite so sad.

 

It's not an easy time and should either of you need to talk, please feel free to contact me.

 

Jeff4hire@aol.com

[Guest cp8036]

I love my Audi A6.

[Guest cp8036]

Is a good point about families and gay men.. especially guys over 30. When younger you are not expected to be married or coupled, and is normal to attend a dinner without a spouse. Even though 40, I am lucky in my case, as many of my cousins and brothers are single. So, we have a family with many single adults.

 

The part the is kind of scarey is what will happen when my folks are gone. My Mom and Aunt usually do all the holidays. No one else will take this over. My brothers cannot even remember Mother's Day.

 

I think gay men must replace their biological familes with good friends. I have done so over the years. Siblings will have kids and spouses, many cases it is not that easy to join them.

 

However, the event that always make me a bit sad is the hetero wedding. It is the biggest event in their lives, hopefully one that will be a happy one for years. Almost without exception such events are very happy, the parents are beaming with pride, friends of the couple are there for fun, and even Uncle Herb and Aunt Mable from Milwaukee get a great big dinner and only give a cash gift of $15.

 

I find the weddings so much fun, even if it is kinda tacky, the band, stupid toasts, drunk men, and outrageous bridesmaids dresses. A strange part of me cannot hear Proud Mary and In the Mood enough times. Since most straight men can't or won't dance, I love dancing all night with the women.

 

The sadness comes when I realize that I will never have such a day. College graduation was the closest I had. Sure gay men get married now, and have ceremonies. But, none of the scale and acceptance of a straight wedding. This was confirmed by a good friend over The T/G holiday. He and his bf live a life that is more wholesome than anyone I know. After five years they decided to go ahead with a ceremony. They are trying to emulate the hetero model as much as possible -- church, tux, rings, and reception. Matt announced this to his mother, and she only replied "don't expect anyone from the family to attend".

[Bilbo]

My lover teases me about being a "soccer mom" because I love station wagons. My current one is a 96 Ford Taurus - in gold. His is a dark green Saturn coupe. Which, incidentally, or not, are my two favorite colors. Well, not always dark green - any shade.

[Guest cmp]

Thanks everyone for this beautiful thread. I've learned a lot from it. I never realized the holidays were such a difficult time for so many of us. I'm glad for those who have just come out and I'm moved by their stories. Most of all, thanks for helping me understand those whose circumstances are different from mine.