Post-coital Tristesse

[HeyandHello]

So, apparently this is real and I believe I've got it chronically real bad both with guys and girls (just that feeling of existential emptiness, aloofness, and a bit of self recrimination). Is there any way to mitigate this?

[bostonman]

I think this is very normal, in terms of casual sex. When you really have no true emotional connection with a sex partner, and it's truly just the sex that's driving the encounter, I think it's natural to feel a bit let down after that huge burst of endorphins/adrenaline/hormones leads to nothing but the end of the session. (Some of us clearly feel it more than others - I envy those who seem not to feel it at all.) That usual awkwardness at ending a session can also feel depressing - in an escort session that end is usually defined by the clock, but even so, that transition from physical pleasure back to the "real world" can be weird. In a casual hookup situation where the clock is not so important, ending the session can still be very awkward - how long do we lay here and cuddle waiting for the other guy to make the move out of the bed? (etc) - the "politics" of the moment can feel a bit tense.

 

So - are there ways to mitigate this? I don't really know, other than to know going into things that this could happen. I'd say to try not to dwell on the "tristesse" as much, and just know that it's often an inevitable part of the moment. Perhaps once your partner has left (or you've left), get right on to another activity that will take your mind off of the negative feelings. If the sex was particularly good, hold onto the feeling of fun you had. (Or if it wasn't very good, you can always just toss the experience off and take the importance out of it that way).

 

Brazilians have a word - "saudade" - which to the best of my knowledge (as a non-Brazilian) seems to try to capture those bittersweet/"nostalgic" feelings we all have in life - a bit of a self-aware sadness over our simply being human, even in our joy. (Can anyone in the know describe this more accurately for us?) Perhaps it's more of a "saudade" we should try to feel in these moments - knowing we just had a really fun time, but that it has to come to an end - rather than a true sense of overt depression?

[+ Gar1eth]

So, apparently this is real and I believe I've got it chronically real bad both with guys and girls (just that feeling of existential emptiness, aloofness, and a bit of self recrimination). Is there any way to mitigate this?

 

 

I think this is very normal, in terms of casual sex. When you really have no true emotional connection with a sex partner, and it's truly just the sex that's driving the encounter, I think it's natural to feel a bit let down after that huge burst of endorphins/adrenaline/hormones leads to nothing but the end of the session. (Some of us clearly feel it more than others - I envy those who seem not to feel it at all.) That usual awkwardness at ending a session can also feel depressing - in an escort session that end is usually defined by the clock, but even so, that transition from physical pleasure back to the "real world" can be weird. In a casual hookup situation where the clock is not so important, ending the session can still be very awkward - how long do we lay here and cuddle waiting for the other guy to make the move out of the bed? (etc) - the "politics" of the moment can feel a bit tense.

 

So - are there ways to mitigate this? I don't really know, other than to know going into things that this could happen. I'd say to try not to dwell on the "tristesse" as much, and just know that it's often an inevitable part of the moment. Perhaps once your partner has left (or you've left), get right on to another activity that will take your mind off of the negative feelings. If the sex was particularly good, hold onto the feeling of fun you had. (Or if it wasn't very good, you can always just toss the experience off and take the importance out of it that way).

 

Brazilians have a word - "saudade" - which to the best of my knowledge (as a non-Brazilian) seems to try to capture those bittersweet/"nostalgic" feelings we all have in life - a bit of a self-aware sadness over our simply being human, even in our joy. (Can anyone in the know describe this more accurately for us?) Perhaps it's more of a "saudade" we should try to feel in these moments - knowing we just had a really fun time, but that it has to come to an end - rather than a true sense of overt depression?

 

 

 

Sadness after orgasm = La Petit Mort

 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/La_petite_mort

 

Gman

[+ azdr0710]

for just a few minutes, I usually feel this way after getting off (by myself or with another)......sort of a sudden utter lack of interest in sex.......but it goes away after just a few minutes......

 

[+ Just Sayin]

I had a meeting with a provider last night; it was a fun encounter; afterwards, he suggested that we go out to dinner; we had a good time getting to know one another, laughing and talking; there was no tristesse (which is a new word for me!); I wonder if this is coming from a place of regret in missing the ongoing intimacy of a relationship?

[Islesguy]

I avoid it by expressing part of what I am looking for when I hire is to talk after play time. If they aren't willing to do this, they probably won't be attempting to contact in a mental level which is super important for me.

[+ HornyRetiree]

The reason I always check with any NEW man I am sexually engaged with -- IF you cum first, can you still finish me off? Unless I receive a robust affirmation, I CUM FIRST as I can continue and help my partner cum - how ever we decide to do it.

[HeyandHello]

Hi everyone, thank you so much for your replies I also have done some reading about it and it seems to have a bit to do with self esteem as well, which I think is my biggest problem, that even though I am just in my late twenties and have a normal bmi (most of the time). The problem is that I am pretty much textbook skinnyfat (apart from cleanliness I have really let go of my body), terribly shy, socially awkward and nerdy. That may have helped me into a comfortable career path that allows me the privilege of hiring providers every once in a while but does not help me at all in the realm of Casanova and sex positivity. Given this and the comments here on the thread maybe a good way going forward would be to focus on providers (and people in general) with outgoing warm personalities who are well able to entertain post-coitus and appointments with extended hours, to level out these bumps...

[LivingnLA]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-coital_tristesse

 

Frequent PCT (Post-Coital Tristesse) aka PCD (Post-Coital Dysphoria) is somewhat rare and not well understood in either females or males. I would suggest you find a qualified professional in sexual medicine or sexual therapy to work with to identify what may be going on and work with you to create potential solutions that work for you.

 

Between 3% and 4% of the sample reported experiencing PCD on a regular basis. PCD was found to be associated with current psychological distress, childhood sexual abuse, and several sexual dysfunctions. Results indicate that the male experience of the resolution phase may be far more varied, complex, and nuanced than previously thought and lays a foundation for future research investigating PCD among males.

 

The findings confirm that PCD is under‐recognized and under‐researched. There appears to be no relationship between PCD and intimacy in close relationships.

Edited November 22, 2019 by LivingnLA

[+ Gar1eth]

I had a meeting with a provider last night; it was a fun encounter; afterwards, he suggested that we go out to dinner; we had a good time getting to know one another, laughing and talking; there was no tristesse (which is a new word for me!); I wonder if this is coming from a place of regret in missing the ongoing intimacy of a relationship?

 

It's French meaning sadness-ultimately from the Latin word "tristis" meaning sad. The Spanish word for sad is "triste"which is also derived from the Latin word

 

Gman

[bostonman]

And yet, it's also I think pretty common (or at least stereotypically so) for men to have an urge to nod off after sex - probably moreso with age? (Back to the citation of "le petit mort" above.) Many times, after I cum, I do feel at least a short period of time where I could easily doze off. In a purely casual encounter where getting off is the goal, that may be the end of the session. If I'm with someone I really feel something for, I can usually fight the urge off after a few minutes.

[HeyandHello]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-coital_tristesse

 

Frequent PCT (Post-Coital Tristesse) aka PCD (Post-Coital Dysphoria) is somewhat rare and not well understood in either females or males. I would suggest you find a qualified professional in sexual medicine or sexual therapist to work with to identify what may be going on and work with you to create potential solutions that work for you.

 

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/30040588

 

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4721025/

 

I completely agree. In fact I just sent an email to a therapist as well, though really because I am a bit close to burnout (lots of pressure and stress at work lately). And PCD and burnout also appear to be linked. I completely agree that seeking a professional is an essential part of self-care.

[LivingnLA]

I completely agree. In fact I just sent an email to a therapist as well, though really because I am a bit close to burnout (lots of pressure and stress at work lately). And PCD and burnout also appear to be linked. I completely agree that seeking a professional is an essential part of self-care.

 

Yes, PCD seems to be associated with psychological distress. Stress affects us in many complicated ways. A good sexual therapist can help. If it's primarily stress driven, a general therapist can help. Additionally, activities and habits that help manage stress can be beneficial as well.

[bostonman]

If it's primarily stress driven, a general therapist can help. Additionally, activities and habits that help manage stress can be beneficial as well.

 

Agreed. I started seeing a therapist fairly recently due to an onset of anxiety that started this summer. We've barely gotten into true "therapy" yet, but just having the chance to talk with her about things and hearing her basic advice has been immeasurably helpful.

[+ Gar1eth]

Agreed. I started seeing a therapist fairly recently due to an onset of anxiety that started this summer. We've barely gotten into true "therapy" yet, but just having the chance to talk with her about things and hearing her basic advice has been immeasurably helpful.

 

Do you mind if ask whether your therapist is gay? If yes or no, did you purposely pick her for her sexuality-whatever it is-and for her gender, or were you happy getting any sexuality and any gender?

 

My last 4 or 5 therapists (one wasn't a therapist but my internist) have been gay males. I chose gay males because I thought they might understand my feelings better. At least 4 them have been very handsome. I, not being handsome at all, have thought it might have been easier for them to be gay because they've always been desirable. It's another kettle of fish trying to accustom oneself to being gay knowing not a lot of people are going to be attracted to you-knowing that if you were straight -women sometimes aren't as focused on looks.

 

But years ago I had an acquaintance with a different take on things. He purposely chose women as therapists. I'm not sure whether they were gay or not. But he chose them so he wouldn't have the danger of feeling any attraction to them.

 

Gman

[bostonman]

I believe she is straight. I got her as a referral from a close friend/colleague who also sees her (he's straight too lol), and I really like her a lot. Very personable. But we're not dealing with sexual issues - the main reason for seeing her is for the anxiety I developed over the summer. She does know I'm gay, though. To be honest, gender/sexuality didn't really even occur to me - my friend's recommendation was solid, and I jumped at the chance. In fact it helped me going in that we had a mutual acquaintance. (Same thing with my PCP - he was actually recommended to me by one of my aunts. And he's great. Also straight lol, and I can't say I'm attracted to him in the least.)

 

I suppose if I was seeing someone for issues that revolved more around my sexuality, or for any specific sexual issues, I might want to see a gay male as they would be more in touch with that subject. But at the moment, I don't feel I need that.

[HeyandHello]

A thought:

First, shy, socially awkward, and nerdy is an appealing combination to many. Don’t see it through a negative filter. Embrace it.

Second if the “skinnyfat” thing bothers you, diet and toning exercises might do wonders for your self esteem. Inertia is your enemy...not being “skinnyfat” (a new word for me incidentally)

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am rather flattered. Yes, I agree. I really need to take greater care of myself (both mentally and physically) and not let work swallow me whole and suck the life out of me. These past few hours I've just been ranting here more than in all of my previous membership years combined. The days leading up to an important deadline on monday were particularly bad! But again thank you so much, Mr. BnaC Your kind words have made my day

[+ quoththeraven]

for just a few minutes, I usually feel this way after getting off (by myself or with another)......sort of a sudden utter lack of interest in sex.......but it goes away after just a few minutes......

 

For me, this happens after getting off to porn. I'm no longer at all interested in what I'm watching and close the tab right away.

[Tangogent]

Sometimes I feel this more when the connection with an escort was really good. I miss him when he goes and realise I really want so much more from (someone like) him. At other times, I feel more buoyant, reassured of my attractiveness and my skill as a partner. Depends on my mood, obviously, and the nature of our interaction. Sometimes somebody who more closely resembles the type I fall for leaves me filled with yearning when he goes. Oh, Lipe, Lipe! You are so lush!

[+ Gar1eth]

Sometimes I feel this more when the connection with an escort was really good. I miss him when he goes and realise I really want so much more from (someone like) him. At other times, I feel more buoyant, reassured of my attractiveness and my skill as a partner. Depends on my mood, obviously, and the nature of our interaction. Sometimes somebody who more closely resembles the type I fall for leaves me filled with yearning when he goes. Oh, Lipe, Lipe! You are so lush!

 

Forgive my ignorance, but who or what is Lipe?

 

Gman

[Rudynate]

I used to experience it as an adolescent after beating off-a few minutes of sadness and mild self loathing. It never occurred to me that it was something that needed to be treated. I just hopped up and shook it off. Haven't experienced it in decades.