A Conflicting Time

[+ Kman]

I am really just needing to write down my thoughts at this time. A good friend of mine that I grew up with and even lived with for a bit during college committed suicide last night...I don't know the "why" as of right now but I do know he had anger issues and quite possibly bipolar...he was living in AZ for a bit but then moved back to our home town about a year ago...I believe because of some personal issues he was having.

 

The reason why I am conflicted is because while I am sad and angry I am also having trouble remembering the good times we had...as we got older and more into college and beyond it was harder for us (core group of 6 guys) to really know where we stood with him...he would be laughing with us one minute and then the next minute get really angry and accuse us of not being true friends ect. Eventually we all got sick of it and really didn't reach out to him much (partly cause he was out in AZ) and mostly because you never knew what you were going to get. He really needed help dealing with his emotions and I don't think he ever got it...after an assault charge I think he received court ordered anger management..after that he apologized to me for a bunch of stuff (unfrelated to the assault). IDK I feel like he changed so much from when we were kids (but not in a good way)

[+ sync]

If you still have a rapport with your core group of guys, it may be helpful for you to share your feelings with them. They may be enduring the same conflicted emotions.

[+ Kman]

Thanks @sync that is exactly what I did. It seems we are all feeling the same.

[+ sniper]

I think it's normal to feel this way when something like this happens, but at the end of the day you can only be responsible for your own mental health, and realistically, it's not like you could have "fixed" his issues.

[+ Reg]

I think it's normal to feel this way when something like this happens, but at the end of the day you can only be responsible for your own mental health, and realistically, it's not like you could have "fixed" his issues.

 

Well said and very true.

[+ Kman]

I think it's normal to feel this way when something like this happens, but at the end of the day you can only be responsible for your own mental health, and realistically, it's not like you could have "fixed" his issues.

 

Correct, I know no one would be able to change him. Unfortunately he never admitted to needing help. As this last week as gone on I have just become more and more angry with him, I don't think one person that knew him ever "hated" him or even truly made fun of him it was ALL in his head, I have no idea where or when his insecurities set in...

[RyanDean]

@Kman -- sorry to hear what you're working through, but very impressed that you're doing so with such openness and clarity.

 

Not sure that it will be useful, but your experience with your friend put me in mind of this recent article, which I found to be a powerful account of experiencing a loved one's mental illness.

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/05/08/magazine/cousin-kill-me-male-violence.html

[rvwnsd]

@Kman, it pains me to hear what you are going through. Many in our society expect us to feel nothing but sadness when someone dies. It is gratifying to hear that you are able to avoid that trap and let yourself feel the way you feel.

[+ Kman]

@Kman -- sorry to hear what you're working through, but very impressed that you're doing so with such openness and clarity.

 

Not sure that it will be useful, but your experience with your friend put me in mind of this recent article, which I found to be a powerful account of experiencing a loved one's mental illness.

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/05/08/magazine/cousin-kill-me-male-violence.html

 

Thank you for the kind words @RyanDean & @rvwnsd.

 

I was able to read the article, not the exact situation but there a lot of parallels. I am glad that the writer said that the cousin took on poisonous form of masculinity and I would add, the cousin was not a true man or truly masculine.

 

So I was able to attend my friend's funeral back in our home town, which I am glad I did, at first I was reluctant to go. It was very therapeutic, a lot of my classmates were there from high school so we were able to share memories about our friend and laugh and cry together.

 

The family acknowledged during the funeral that their loved one was in a very dark place and has been sick. One family member read a portion of a note that their loved one had left the family and he said "I am very sick and it has gotten worse over the last 6 years," which, needless to say, broke my heart. The family that spoke really emphasized that he was depressed and on top of that they attributed the suicide to chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE). Typically that diagnosis is given to professional level athletes particularly those who have played in the NFL or NHL or have been in the military. And the only way to diagnose CTE is through an autopsy but I think because of the way he ended his life they would not have been able to check for that. The family was adamant about it and were saying he had all the symptoms of someone with CTE. Of course the family is looking for answers as to why and maybe even try alleviate any guilt that they may feel.

 

The reason why I am writing this is to see if anyone here has any insight into CTE??? I particularly don't agree with the family's assessment; he had played 4 years of high school football and that is a far cry from playing in the NFL for 10-15 years. Also he had most of, if not all, the CTE symptoms well before he played football.

 

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chronic_traumatic_encephalopathy

[RyanDean]

I don't know a lot about CTW, @Kman, and most of what I do know comes from the ongoing coverage of the crisis on HBO's Real Sports. That said, my first thought upon seeing your question was: "hasn't it been shown/suggested that CTE exacerbates -- or is exacerbated by -- a predisposition toward mental illness?" A quick search yielded this article that does suggest the interplay of the conditions might be a factor.

[+ Kman]

I don't know a lot about CTW, @Kman, and most of what I do know comes from the ongoing coverage of the crisis on HBO's Real Sports. That said, my first thought upon seeing your question was: "hasn't it been shown/suggested that CTE exacerbates -- or is exacerbated by -- a predisposition toward mental illness?" A quick search yielded this article that does suggest the interplay of the conditions might be a factor.

 

I was thinking that too, that CTE could exacerbate any symptoms of mental illness. Thanks for the article I will read up.

[+ sniper]

There are a lot of stupid HS and youth football coaches who make their kids do stupid shit, and the kids do it because they don't know any better. I would not assume by any means that it couldn't have been CTE because he only played for 4 years.

Remember Aaron Rodriguez's brain was apparently Swiss cheese and he was only 24 when he stopped playing. and apparently he had had some sort of marked behavior change around 17 or so IIRC.

Football isn't the only source of brain injury either. Did this guy's dad beat him by any chance?

[+ Kman]

I agree @sniper, that HS players and students in general do a lot of stupid stuff because we didn't know any better and we felt invincible. That reminds me though there was one concussion that I remember my friend having where he didn't know where he was. If I remember right he sat out the rest of that game but continued to play the rest of the season. I don't remember him getting any treatment for that. And if that happened today he would have at least been out for the rest of the season.

 

Are you referring to Aaron Hernandez? A big difference would be my friend had these symptoms well before he played even as a child he had intense anger...he actually knocked his sister out with rock and then dragged her body into a shed so his parents didn't see (the sister was ok but still). I do not know for certain if his dad beat him but he did say he has been in a physical altercation with his dad.

[+ sniper]

Knocked his sister out and then HID THE BODY????

 

You kind of buried the lede there, dude. He was clearly off-kilter from the start, then. That is not remotely normal childhood behavior and frankly I'm surprised anyone was friends with him after that. I wouldn't let my kid play with someone who had done that. WTF?

[+ Kman]

Knocked his sister out and then HID THE BODY????

 

You kind of buried the lede there, dude. He was clearly off-kilter from the start, then. That is not remotely normal childhood behavior and frankly I'm surprised anyone was friends with him after that. I wouldn't let my kid play with someone who had done that. WTF?

 

Yes it was pretty messed up. You are right that is not normal childhood behavior, he should have been getting help of some kind at that point. I didn't hear that story until high school or maybe even college but he tried passing it off as an accident but that's not how he told the story.