Hi. You are/were not alone.
I also had suicidal thoughts in the past.
Hires are only temporary patches.
Family and "friends" are not always a guarantee.
I also tried antidepressants and while modern chemistry has come up with some amazing new psychiatric products,
Mother Nature is the root of it all and her healing powers would never want one of his beloved sons to be dependant on drugs for life.
Of course, you won't find any of this in scientific literature, because Big Pharma doesn't like this, it's not long-term profitable. That's the main reason why they are "controlled" substances. Because it would be a billionaire loss for Pharmaceutical companies.
I tried these two, and believe me when I tell you that after few sessions (less than five) I (and everyone who attended the sessions) improved. At the end of my journey, I was cured. I stopped antidepressants and all kinds of psychiatric drugs and haven't used Psilocybin or Ayahuasca ever since. I am now conducting a much healthy and wholesome lifestyle now, way happier with myself. I never needed to stop drinking alcohol but I certainly became more mindful about when to stop without feeling any anxiety, cravings, or withdrawal.
Down below I also posted some links about well-reputed and reviewed centers around the world in case these kinds of therapies are not available where you live.
Psilocybin
Ayahuasca (DMT)
The best natural medicine retreats in the world:
https://eluxemagazine.com/travel/the-best-ayahuasca-retreats-around-the-world-reviewed/
https://ayamundo.com/retreats#