samhexum

I DESPISE THAT COMMERCIAL!!!

As a result of keeping hydrated so a hamstring problem can be overcome and he can get back in the Yankees lineup, Aaron Hicks is leaking fluids. Hicks left Game 1 of the ALDS against the Red Sox on Friday night at Fenway with a tight right hamstring and didn’t play in Game 2. He expects to be ready for Monday night’s Game 3 at Yankee Stadium with the best-of-five series tied 1-1. “We have been doing a lot of things. We have been trying to get me hydrated. So every single day I’ve been peeing like crazy, being hydrated,” Hicks said Sunday at Yankee Stadium

What, no love for Canuckian Thanksgiving? http://wblk.com/files/2013/10/canadian-thanksgiving-turkey1.jpg?w=980&q=75

Not THIS boy. Head over heels means something else to those with good 80s musical taste:

It's playing in England already, and will be coming here next year. I'm surprised that, with Tuna recently being in the news about her new kidney, nobody posted anything about the show. BTW, my favorite musical fish duo of all time was Pike & Tuna Turner.

A sheriff’s deputy with nearly two decades of service in Florida resigned after being arrested for allegedly fondling the genitals of a deputy sheriff trainee, authorities said. Scott Walker, 39, was arrested Friday on charges of sexual battery and false imprisonment after meeting the victim Wednesday in Lakeland to help him with his training, according to the Polk County Sheriff’s Office. Walker, who was working an off-duty detail at the time, was armed when he reached under the trainee’s shorts and underwear and fondled him, setting off a bizarre and frightening series of events, authorities said. “When the victim resisted, Walker pushed him against the wall, then locked the door and turned the lights off,” sheriff officials said in a news release. “The victim immediately started sending text messages to a friend pleading for help.” Walker later allowed the man to leave after becoming concerned that he had contacted someone using his cellphone. Investigators learned of the allegations Thursday, prompting an investigation. Walker, who had been employed by the department for 19 years, was later arrested after being interviewed by investigators. He resigned immediately, sheriff officials said. “We hold people to a higher standard than we do the members of the community,” Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd said in a statement. “Scott is now in jail for his illegal conduct, as he should be.” Walker, according to an investigator’s affidavit obtained by The Ledger, told the trainee that he “owed” him oral sex after helping him learn how to write reports for the agency. The trainee initially ignored the comment, but Walker then began touching him, according to the report. “These crimes are enhanced by the fact that Walker is employed as a deputy sheriff and Walker’s position as a training coordinator made the victim believe that he had influence and authority over his career,” the investigator wrote. Walker initially denied the allegations, saying he had instead “tapped” the trainee’s penis on the outside of his clothing as a joke, although he later used the word “grabbed” to characterize his actions. The pair had also previously communicated on Snapchat. Walker, during one of those conversations, said he was “just ‘messing’ around” with the trainee. Walker, seemingly concerned about whether the chat was private, also told the trainee: “Dude, R u really by yourself.”

My bank account balance is as flaccid as my... well, you know...

None taken. I was kidding. I can feel; I just can't do much about it. I can masturbate about 3 times a week. It takes multiple attempts. The sap rises a little more each time. Some weeks are better than others. It's taken me as long as almost an hour to cum, but when it's that bad, I usually give up in frustration after 30 min or so. (and now you know why I blow off steam by posting here so often ) It's gotten (much) worse as I've gotten older. Being a pothead doesn't help, of course, but it makes me more mellow about my inadequacy.

Don't you get frequent flier discounts?

Braggart

Can't stay hard long enough.

One of the supermarkets I shop at sent me coupons. $5 off $25 in weeks 1 & 3, $2 off meat in week 2, 2 off produce in week 4. FREE: Shadybrook Turkey Burgers week 1 Baby Roy's Barbecue Sauce week 2 KLONDIKE BARS(!) week 3 Kraft Salad Dressing week 4

One of the supermarkets I shop at sent me coupons. $5 off $25 in weeks 1 & 3, $2 off meat in week 2, 2 off produce in week 4. FREE: Shadybrook Turkey Burgers week 1 Baby Roy's Barbecue Sauce week 2 KLONDIKE BARS (!) week 3 Kraft Salad Dressing week 4

Many of the comic strips I post in the "I LOVE A GOOD PUN" thread disappear after awhile, leaving a blank space that shows 'likes' by several people. As an experiment, I deleted one of those posts, and my 'likes' went down by 2 (the # of people who'd liked it). I won't be deleting any others; I've just filled in the blank spaces with

Many of the comic strips I post in the "I LOVE A GOOD PUN" thread disappear after awhile, leaving a blank space that shows 'likes' by several people. As an experiment, I deleted one of those posts, and my 'likes' went down by 2 (the # of people who'd liked it). I won't be deleting any others; I've just filled in the blank spaces with

I've had ED all my life, even before Bob Dole made it fashionable. Finally found out it's because I was born with spinal stenosis at the base of my spine, so the electrical signals don't fully reach my lower half. Viagra doesn't work.

If you just watch an actor’s body of work removed from cultural context, it can be difficult to gauge just how large they loomed in pop culture. With news of Burt Reynolds’ passing at the age of 82, the understandable urge will be to immediately stream any number of his culture-defining hits. Deliverance, Boogie Nights, Smokey and the Bandit,The Longest Yard, The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas,Cannonball Run – all of those movies show Reynolds as the magnetic hunk of tanned Hollywood mega-talent that he was. But while watching them will give you a direct dose of Reynolds’ trademarked brand of sexy, cocky swagger, you might not get a feel for just how big a deal he was. Surprisingly, if you want to see the effect Burt Reynolds had on people, you might want to check out an episode ofThe Golden Girls. Reynolds’ downright iconic cameo comes early in the show’s run, a Season 2 episode titled “Ladies of the Evening.” In it, the girls win three tickets to the premiere of Burt Reynolds’ new movie as well as passes to the after-party. The effect Burt Reynolds has on all of them is the stuff of myth and legend. They all fall under his sway, just at the thought of being able to breath in his musk. Blanche can only refer to the actor as “Mistuh Burt Reynolds,” emphasizing her husky accent. Blanche, Rose, Sophia, Dorothy–they all want a piece of Burt, and Sophia’s angry she’s getting left out. Things don’t go as planned. Blanche, Rose, and Dorothy stop by for a drink on the way to the premiere at a hotel bar–but the hotel turns out to be a brothel. And the girls get roped up along with all the other ladies of the evening and tossed in the slammer. Instead of bailing them out, Sophia snatches the tickets and hops over to the premiere. As she tells her roommates the next day, she had a totally Hollywood night schmoozing with Reynolds’ entourage members Lonnie Anderson and Dom DeLuise. The girls don’t believe her… that is, until the doorbell rings. Enter: Burt Reynolds, as if carved from the finest wood, a burly and handsome slab of man standing in the doorway. The normally unimpressed Dorothy is stunned, absolutely stunned. Sophia runs to the door for her date with Burt, thus leading to one of the absolute best jokes in all of Golden Girls history: Such was the power of Burt Reynolds.

A woman in Florida allegedly raped a 14-year-old boy while her husband and children were in the same room, police said. Justice Maryie McKay, of Lake Butler, was arrested Wednesday on sexual battery charges after the boy’s mother noticed marks on his body left by McKay and confronted her, showing her photographs of his body, the Gainesville Sun reports. McKay, 22, and her family were at the boy’s home on July 22 celebrating her birthday when she used WhatsApp messenger to summon the boy into a room where she was staying – and where her husband and children were sleeping, according to a police report. The boy initially refused McKay’s offer and said no at least once before going to the room, where he told McKay he had no intention of getting physical with her, the boy told police. But once there, McKay kissed him, removed his clothes and had sex with the teen, police said. The following day, McKay told the boy she “wanted to be with him” and couldn’t forget what they had done. About a month later, McKay picked up the boy from a bus stop in Gainesville and told him she’d give him a ride to school. But instead of taking him to class, McKay took the teen to her home in Lake Butler, where they had sex again on Aug. 13, police said. McKay left scratch marks and “hickies” on the boy’s body during the sexual battery, according to investigators. Days later, McKay picked the boy up from a gas station in Gainesville before they had sex again. During those incidents in August, police said McKay’s five children and teen cousin were also in the home during the alleged attacks. McKay, who has filed a written plea of not guilty, remained held at the Alachua County Jail on $75,000 bond as of Friday morning, online records show. Her attorney could not be reached for comment, according to the Gainesville Sun.

Sorry, I don't understand the joke.