samhexum

Well give it back! He's probably been looking for it everywhere.

I was reminded by an article yesterday of another reason to hate the owners for the lockout... Tyler was traded (for basically nothing) to open up a spot on the 40 man roster to protect a minor leaguer in the rule 5 draft... which was cancelled due to the @!%*ing lockout! I still haven't watched an inning this year, though I'm reading articles & watching highlights... SO... This Aaron Judge home run turned into one very uplifting moment. Judge’s sixth-inning long-ball in the traveled 427 feet into the upper deck at Rogers Centre in Toronto on Tuesday night during the Yankees’ 9-1 win over the Blue Jays. It was quickly picked up by a fan wearing Blue Jays gear — who almost immediately turned around and offered it to a youngster seated behind him wearing a Judge T-shirt. The feel-good moment — shown the Blue Jays’ Sportsnet broadcast — didn’t stop there. The young Yankees fan teared up at the gesture and hugged who we can only assume is a new friend for life. “There are Yankee fans all around the world that are passionate about the game,’’Judge said after the game of the heart-warming moment he didn’t see live. “He’s starting out the right way.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eqto63A82yE

There's a couple of "good" puns at today's thefarside.com

Hand out, palm up, awaiting payment

I FEEL LIKE A BROKEN RECORD (YOUNGER READERS GOOGLE WHAT A RECORD IS) DEAR ABBY: A year ago, when I discovered my husband’s porn videos and naked pictures of his ex-girlfriends, he assured me he would delete them. It has been a year, and he still hasn’t done it. When I mention it, he claims he doesn’t look at them and doesn’t have time to delete them. I ask him to be honest with me about if he intends to keep them, but he insists he “will” delete them. It makes me believe he has an emotional attachment to these women. How should I continue to deal with this issue? — HE’S GOT A WIFE NOW DEAR WIFE: Your husband may be less emotionally attached to the ex-girlfriends than titillated by their pictures. From what you have written, your husband isn’t being completely honest with you. And THAT is the issue you should be dealing with, with the help of a licensed counselor, because solid marriages are based on trust, and there can’t be trust without honesty. KILL THE BASTARD! DEAR ABBY: Our 24-year-old daughter is dating a 28-year-old divorced man who has two kids. Her father is very upset about it and refuses to meet him. The reason is the children. We both think they will be a burden to our daughter and she will eventually have problems with his ex-wife. How can we tell her we don’t accept him without pushing her away or making her break up with him? She doesn’t live with us. — SAD IN FLORIDA DEAR SAD: At 24, your daughter is an adult. At this point, she should have achieved enough independence to decide — without coercion — with whom she wants to be romantically involved. I do not advise refusing to meet the man she cares about because it may be counterproductive. Children from prior relationships do not necessarily cause problems, and not all ex-spouses fly around on brooms causing trouble. You and your husband should make an effort to get to know him and, if you see red flags afterward, point them out then. KILL THE BASTARD! DEAR ABBY: I’m a front desk clerk at a hotel where a regular guest has stayed for years. We have become acquainted as we’re both retired teachers and each have written books. When she told me she could no longer afford to stay at the hotel, I offered her my spare bedroom to use on occasion, and she calls at least once a month to stay here. My husband is over it. The whole evening revolves around this woman. Since I have gotten to know her better, I have realized she’s very self-centered. She barely thanks us for her stay, although we include her in our dinner plans and she eats breakfast here as well. I’m a softy and I have used various excuses to stop this. Any suggestions for me, a coward, to call a halt to her inviting herself to my house for the night? — SOFTY IN THE SOUTH DEAR SOFTY: Yes. Quit making excuses and tell her almost all of the truth, which is that your husband is “over it” and therefore she will have to make other plans. Period. KILL THE BITCH!

David Birney-Baxter, 83, after a 5 year battle with Alzheimer's.

A former friend I used to travel with hit 120 MPH on a highway in France (as we passed signs for EuroDisney). This frightened the heck out of me until I took the wheel and did the same.

The Chicago Bears and quarterback Nick Foles their most well-hung player have agreed to part ways. His agent confirmed the move on Saturday, and he was officially released on Sunday.According to NFL Network's Mike Garafolo, the Bears hadn't been able to find a trade partner for Foles (because he couldn't FIT IN anywhere?), so they decided to release him so he could control where he goes next. Foles made eight starts over two seasons with the Bears. He was originally supposed to compete with Mitch Trubisky for the starting position, but neither player performed well. The move ended up being an expensive mistake, which was clear once the Bears acquired two new quarterbacks before the 2021 season. Foles may have the resume of a journeyman QB, but his name dick is sacrosanct in Philly. He started his career with the Philadelphia Eagles in 2012, returning to the team in 2017 to back up Carson Wentz. That turned out to be a history-making move, as he stepped in as the starter after Wentz tore his ACL. He led the Eagles all the way to Super Bowl LII, where they beat the New England Patriots to win their first-ever Super Bowl. Foles called for the gutsy Philly Special, an all-time great Super Bowl play, and was named MVP Big Dick Nick. The Bears were Foles' second team since he left the Eagles in 2018. He signed a four-year deal with the Jacksonville Jaguars in early 2019, but broke his clavicle in the first quarter of his first start when he tripped over his dick. He returned in Week 11, but would start just two more times before being benched for Gardner Minshew, who had started in Foles' absence. Where Foles lands next is up to him. His stint with the Jags pretty much ended any illusion that he's a starting quarterback, and his time in Chicago didn't do much to boost his stock as a backup. But his experience dick could still make him an attractive option as teams begin to ramp up for the regular season.

Dear Abby: For more than 20 years, my mother-in-law has shown blatant favoritism toward my husband’s younger brother. Several people, including her own mother and my father-in-law, have tried to discuss it with her, but she refuses. My husband has accepted that there is nothing he can do to change her behavior. Abby, she has recently, on the rare occasions we see her (once every three to four years), started making snide comments, implying she’s “concerned,” regarding the intellect of our children, one of whom is in an AP program. While my husband accepts her lack of love for him and would never cease contact with her, I find her difficult to be around because she is just plain cruel. I would like to discourage her from visiting us in the future. Am I wrong to feel as I do? — Proud Wife and Mom Dear Proud: No. By all means keep your mother-in-law away from the grandchildren, because even though she sees them rarely, she’ll likely find some way to make them feel “less than.” If you thought someone was tainting their food, you wouldn’t stand by and watch. Well, the same is true if someone is attempting to lower their self-esteem with snide comments. KILL THE BITCH! (I seem to be offering that advice a lot lately.) Dear Abby: My husband and I have been married for 35 years. Five years ago, he lost the ability to perform sexually. I admit it hasn’t been a priority since I’ve gotten older and have some health issues. We have figured out other ways to enjoy each other. The problem is, he makes ugly comments about our lack of intimacy as if it’s my fault he can’t perform. The comments are hurtful and cause me to not want to do anything. It seems he can turn any remark I make about something into one about sex, and my feelings are often hurt. One minute he’s saying how he wouldn’t change anything about our life together, and the next he’s saying something mean. I’m at a loss about what to do. It’s almost like he’s two different people. I dread nighttime because that’s when it starts. Any ideas? — Extremely Frustrated Dear Frustrated: Your husband may be embarrassed, angry and frustrated that he can no longer perform, and he’s projecting all of that onto you. He could also be starting to “lose it.” I assume you have expressed to him how hurtful his remarks are. Now it’s time to discuss this with your family physician, who knows your husband better than I do. KILL THE BASTARD! (REALLY?!? People need to write in for common sense advice?) Dear Abby: Under what circumstances is it socially acceptable to read a stranger’s tattoo? I often admire the beautiful artwork, and one can appreciate that with a quick glance. But nowadays, I often encounter people tattooed with a phrase, a quote or even a whole paragraph on their body. Is it rude to stop, stare and read the tattoo? Should I first ask permission? — Intrigued in St. Louis, Mo. Dear Intrigued: When in doubt, ALWAYS ask permission before ogling. If you don’t, your admiration could be misconstrued, which could get you in trouble, depending upon where the tattoo is located. THAT DEPENDS ON THE SITUATION; IF YOU STOP TO READ DURING SEX, YOUR PARTNER MIGHT FIND THAT RUDE, ESPECIALLY IF YOU CHARGE BY THE HOUR.

Dear Abby: I am a newlywed. My husband and I are looking for a house to settle down in, but we’re struggling to find one we like that we can afford. My in-laws, who are moving, offered to sell us their house for a very generous price. The house is in a great neighborhood, but it’s old and outdated and has HVAC and plumbing problems. I think the house would be the perfect place for my husband and me to raise a family if we had some renovations made. However, we have talked to my in-laws about this, and they are very attached to this house and very against having any renovations made to it. My husband is happy to buy it and not have the renovations made, but I’m not so sure. What should I do? — House Hunter in California Dear House Hunter: You and your husband should talk with your in-laws together. While I understand their sentimental attachment to the house, they are being unrealistic and controlling. If they were to sell it to strangers, you can bet the first thing that would happen would be renovations. HVAC, plumbing, electrical and roof problems cost a fortune to keep fixing over time if they are not dealt with. Don’t they want their grandchildren raised in a nice, safe home in a great neighborhood? If the answer is yes, they need to loosen the reins. If not, then you should keep looking. Threaten his parents that unless they sell you the house for a cheap price AND pay for any and all repairs, they'll never see those grandchildren. Dear Abby: I’m a veteran with a nonservice-connected back injury. I need artificial discs between several vertebrae. The hospitals and clinics ignored my condition for the past 25 years. I will have an MRI soon. My fiancee is a nurse and does not have the money for the operation I need. A wealthy female friend has offered to fund it. Should I ask my fiancee for permission since this friend is a woman? — Getting a Chance in Oklahoma Dear Getting: You should definitely clear it with your fiancee. If she loves you, she will agree that you are fortunate to have such a generous friend. However, if she’s insecure, you will then have to decide which is more important — your health or your relationship. I know which one I’d choose. Break up with the fiancee, let the friend finance the operation, then insinuate yourself into her will, kill her, and win back the fiancee by buying her love. Dear Abby: My college-age daughter who still lives with me is addicted to caffeine. I am considering slowly replacing the regular coffee with decaf without telling her. I don’t want to tell her, as this may get in her head, and she may react by having withdrawal symptoms. I don’t think she would be angry, because she knows I am always looking out for her. What do you think? — Mom With a Plan Dear Mom: Quit being a helicopter barista. Have enough respect for your college-age daughter to tell her the amount of coffee she consumes is a concern for you. Then ask if she would like your help to cut back. Withdrawal symptoms from caffeine are real, and your daughter might wonder what’s wrong when she experiences symptoms of withdrawal if you keep her in the dark. Make the switch, but sprinkle a minute amount of cocaine into the coffee grounds so she still gets that little 'oomph' that she gets from non-decaf. VOILA! She won't get withdrawal symptoms from switching to decaf. Problem solved.

Dear Abby: I am a newlywed. My husband and I are looking for a house to settle down in, but we’re struggling to find one we like that we can afford. My in-laws, who are moving, offered to sell us their house for a very generous price. The house is in a great neighborhood, but it’s old and outdated and has HVAC and plumbing problems. I think the house would be the perfect place for my husband and me to raise a family if we had some renovations made. However, we have talked to my in-laws about this, and they are very attached to this house and very against having any renovations made to it. My husband is happy to buy it and not have the renovations made, but I’m not so sure. What should I do? — House Hunter in California Dear House Hunter: You and your husband should talk with your in-laws together. While I understand their sentimental attachment to the house, they are being unrealistic and controlling. If they were to sell it to strangers, you can bet the first thing that would happen would be renovations. HVAC, plumbing, electrical and roof problems cost a fortune to keep fixing over time if they are not dealt with. Don’t they want their grandchildren raised in a nice, safe home in a great neighborhood? If the answer is yes, they need to loosen the reins. If not, then you should keep looking. I think Abby gave good advice, but it would probably be more effective to threaten his parents that unless they sell them the house for a cheap price AND pay for any and all repairs, they'll never see those grandchildren. What do y'all think?

Dottie & Abishola's mother (who gets a divorce, inspired by her daughter) join the dating scene and double date? Abishola DOES get pregnant and Kemi spends the whole season making annoying comments about the pregnancy? Bob gains a lot of weight from buying and eating things for her cravings? To prove to the cousin's family that she's not gay, Dele gets her pregnant? Tunde admits he's the only Nigerian on the show who was born and raised in the US, inspiring Kemi to admit she was born and raised in London, and has a white girlfriend from NYC?

Andrea Martin has been upgraded to series regular for the upcoming 3rd season of EVIL. I'm sure her late identical twin brother Dean would've been proud. Billy Gardell keeps losing weight. I keep finding it. Kemi still annoys me, but I love Gloria, Olu, Tunde, & Dele. I'm glad they made Christina competent this season, at least in her career.

I hope this gets picked up for another season. I enjoy it.

A second season has been announced for this show that only I watch.

Dear Abby: My husband and I are expecting our second child. Our first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, so we were overjoyed to find out I was pregnant again, this time with a little girl. We’ve already given her the name “Mandy.” Everything was going well until a month ago. My mother-in-law came over for her birthday to have cake. I hadn’t seen her all weekend. Because our relationship isn’t as good as it could be, I didn’t ask her why. Two days later she announced to my husband she had COVID and we should get tested, too. She had spent that entire weekend out, running around, seeing people and going places. Then she came to our home where I was 21 weeks pregnant and doing everything to keep this pregnancy. I became violently ill for two weeks and, although I recovered, I spent three nights in the hospital because our baby is now suffering from my being sick. I am now on bed rest. We have no option other than getting through day by day to help buy Mandy more time inside to grow. I am struggling with anger and resentment toward my MIL, but I’m trying to stay positive and avoid the toxicity so that Mandy has a fighting chance. When all this settles down, how do I even begin to address this with my MIL? — Incensed in the east Dear Incensed: You are doing the right thing now by focusing on your little girl. How you deal with this in the future should be guided by the answer to this question: When your mother-in-law learned you had gotten sick because she exposed you, did she apologize? If she knew she “had a little something” and came over anyway, let that guide you and your husband in your interactions with her in the future because her judgment is atrocious. If not, try to forgive her for this awful scare and let her build bridges if she’s capable of it. KILL THE BITCH! Dear Abby: Four years ago, I found out my husband of 28 years had a fling with a co-worker. Two weeks after it was exposed, the girl quit. I was devastated, but we reconciled. During our reconciliation, I learned that five or six years before the affair, my best friend, “Molly,” had made some moves on my husband on an overnight work trip. (She is known to be a little loose.) She was the manager of a seasonal store, and they had to go to another store about five hours away, which entailed staying overnight. He never again mentioned the affair. I have ghosted Molly ever since. She was my best friend since childhood, and I felt it was the ultimate betrayal. As far as I’m concerned, she’s out of my life. She has recently begun sending me requests on Facebook. I know in time she will call again. I don’t want to talk to her, nor do I know what to say. Please help me. — Burned in the South Dear Burned: Stop hiding. If Molly calls you, accept her call, tell her you know what she did with your husband on that trip, that you feel it was the ultimate betrayal and you do not want to hear from her again. Then end the call. KILL THE BITCH! Some days this advice thing is so easy!

74-year-old golfer shoots man for walking his dog on Palm Beach course A tranquil Palm Beach County golf course exploded in gunfire Sunday after a 74-year-old member allegedly shot a man for walking his dog on the greens — as other retirees gawked from their balconies, according to police. Robert Levine, originally from New York and now living in Florida, is facing attempted murder raps after confronting Herbert Merritt, 64, at the Kings Point golf course in Delray Beach. Levine was puttering along in his golf cart when he spotted Merritt walking a pooch close to the course grounds, according to a police report. Levine sped his vehicle up to Merritt and began berating him for the offense before pulling out a black handgun, authorities said. Merritt took off running and tried to take cover near a course tree while Levine gave chase on foot and squeezed off several rounds. Merritt eventually went down at the 15th hole after being struck in the ankle, cops said. Levine then allegedly returned to his golf cart, retrieved a club and began clobbering Merritt as he writhed on the ground, the report stated. One witness saw the chaos unfold from his balcony overlooking the course and called the police. He told officers that he saw Levine kick Merritt in the head at one point. Another woman said she was relaxing in bed when she heard the gunfire pop near the rear of her residence. She claimed she came out and saw Levine firing at Merritt. The witness said she also saw Levine bashing his victim with a club in one hand and the firearm in the other. Responding officers arrived to find Levine standing over Merritt on the course with four 9mm shell casings nearby. Merritt was taken to a local hospital with non-life-threatening injuries. Levine was also taken in for evaluation after suffering an unrelated medical episode at the scene. Police said they recovered a 9mm pistol from Levine, who remains hospitalized. This story has all the elements for a really funny comedy sketch.