FaustOust

Do you ever feel like you’re a widget on an assembly line with popular providers and their schedules? Or with more experienced escorts, who have likely seen every situation, fielded every request, and are familiar with every scene, just a variable inserted in a formula, or a play in a playbook, or a fill-in-the-blank BFE?

Should one reasonably expect that a provider not check out Grindr while on a multi-hour, overnight, weekend, or extended appointment? There is something about it that makes me uncomfortable. I fear that he is distracted from his time with me and seeking to hook up while on my dime. Although, I don’t think I would feel the same way if he had to check email or texts. I just don’t feel that I should pay for his online cruising.

In the few years that I have hired regularly, I have been asked for a picture on more than several occasions before a first meeting. I provided a face pic reluctantly most of the times, especially if I was really interested in hiring the guy. I guess I allowed myself to be manipulated by my desire to be with someone who would otherwise be out of my league. I have even seen some in their RM ads say that they “ask for a pic like every other site.” So I never really have known what standard behavior was in this regard. Most have not asked for anything before meeting for the first time, but I do remember one that wanted a written description of myself (I assume to assess whether I was at least height and weight proportionate and of an acceptable race to him) and another who wanted to speak on the phone first, after we had texted. (I still don’t know what that accomplished because minutes before we met, he wanted me to send a selfie. I guess to see if I looked like my voice?) In each of those scenarios — sending a pic, writing a description, and scheduling a phone call — I felt like I was auditioning to be a client, which wasn’t a good feeling for me, especially because I probably would have felt that way in any case at our first meeting. Sending a picture particularly compounded my insecurity. At some level, I had thought that paying would relieve me from having to go through that. Fortunately for me, none of them declined to schedule the appointment after receiving my picture; although one later canceled at the last minute, after having scheduled days before. I am not sure if my pic had anything to do with that cancellation, but having sent it, I guess I will never really know for sure, as I have not tried to schedule again with that provider, even though he was well-reviewed. I also hired one guy who neither would send nor post a picture of his face out of privacy concerns. (Nor did he ask one of me.) I had promised myself never to hire someone whose face I could not see beforehand. He assured me that no one had ever rejected him. (I can’t imagine living in such a world!) Despite having sworn that I would expect a face picture either in an ad or have one sent to me after I had expressed serious interest in hiring, I relented and met him without having seen his face first, as he possessed other non-facial traits that I found to be quite desirous. I took the risk, and I was very pleased with his overall appearance. I know it’s not fair, but I don’t think that I should be judged by the same standard when I am the one paying. Otherwise, I should just try my luck for free.

I am considering hiring someone to come to NYC for a weekend with me. However, I realize there are many options among providers based in NYC. My experience in NYC with local providers has only been for a few hours at a time or an overnight, at most. It seems to be the maximum time that most advertise. Do local providers do all-weekend appointments in NYC? Or is it better, in my case, just to hire a regular to fly to NYC, if I am planning to be with one person for the weekend? The guy I am considering has been hired in NYC (he’s not someone I picked up at the local filling station) but is not based there. I am also open to the possibility that I am doing this all wrong, and, when in NYC, I should just line up multiple providers to construct the range of experiences that one could have in a single weekend BFE, thereby not even trying to hire one local to spend his entire weekend with me. (But that seems like a lot of work for me to discern and line-up someone for dinner, someone for f*cking, someone for the theatre, someone for conversation, etc.) I welcome your suggestions and experience.

It seems that with so many escorts in NYC and coming to NYC that competition would drive rates down, but there must be a commensurate increase in demand to keep rates so high or some externality artificially inflating price. At some point, the price will depress demand. (But I’m just an old Keynsian. What do I know?)

You’re absolutely right. It’s just like that.

“Product of a union” is an idiom that applies to all people and is rarely used in every day speech in reference to persons. In fact you rarely see it in obituaries anymore. Also like the idiom “product of a broken home,” product in that case means that which was produced as a result of. In this case, product means a thing that is bought and sold — a commodity. But outside of these idioms, a person likely is never referred to as a “product” without it be demeaning.

Now we know not to invite @Rod Hagen or @BenjaminNicholas to go slumming at something as tacky and quotidian as Ritz Carlton. (Or certainly not let them know we might be among the riff-raff to have used Marriott points.) For most people watching The White Lotus, these luxury hotels in exotic settings may only be once-in-a-lifetime experiences or simply a lifelong fantasy. Also having been fortunate enough to have seen my share, I hope I never become so jaded.

I think all of that is possible. By most people’s standards, this would have been a great getaway and we’ve seemed to get along in other encounters, but I believe he certainly could have bigger fish to fry (or perhaps never really appreciated the potential of the fish he had). There is always someone richer, better, or more desirable in some way, and perhaps I was just one of his steps up the escorting food chain.

I do plan to stop hiring him, but as far as a critical review, in my relatively short time on this forum I have had backlash for writing a less than stellar report for an escort. That review was consistent with other reviews posted about this person, even though it was not a terrible review. That provider responded to the posting, messaged me privately, and asked me to remove it. I did do so, just for the sake of peace. I don’t want to do that again publicly, especially as this person might be better known.

I don’t think it’s the size of your portfolio which determines whether one is engaged in a profession or behaves professionally. This guy obviously didn’t need my money and didn’t have a problem with causing me to waste mine. Maybe he had a large investment portfolio.

I’m not trying to discern what was in his head. The outcome is really all I can deal with. Asking him whether he stood me up for one reason or the other doesn’t change my response to the outcome. Plus he could say anything he wanted to justify how he did what did, whether it was true or not. I am merely seeking advice on what my response to his actions might be from people who may have had experience in the matter and measuring what risk I take if I were to do it again. I think that is a wise way to make a decision and a function of this message board for such things.

He was aware of my plans and we had discussed all the activities that we had planned, as I had solicited his input. He seemed to be looking forward to it, but apparently was indifferent, at best.

I recently hired a provider I’ve frequented to join me for a weekend getaway following my business trip. Our trip had been planned for quite some time in advance. The day before we were scheduled to meet, he cancelled via text message. Apparently, he had just returned from another excursion, I presume with another client, and was delayed getting back. That delay gave him less than a 36-hour turn-around before having to go away with me. He cancelled because he felt that he would not have sufficient time to decompress from his previous trip, and he would be too tired “to give me the kind of experience I deserved” and hoped that we could reschedule. However, when he cancelled, I was already at the destination, had booked the hotel, had invested in concert tickets and other reservations, and was essentially stranded for a rendezvous that never occurred, which was not the experience that I thought I deserved. The amount of time between his travels was always a known quantity, and something he could control when scheduling. Am I being unreasonable by thinking that he could have made this work if he really wanted to? A bouquet of flowers would have been a classy apology — but there was none. I get the impression that cancelling in this manner was no sweat off his brow. Should I not hire him again, or is being stood up in this manner a risk, and cost, one assumes when travelling with escorts? How should I respond, if at all?

I can certainly understand why being with a “straight” man would be psychologically appealing and have had sex with very straight-appearing or straight men in my life for all those reasons. But ultimately, I have come to realize, that the sex is more enjoyable and better with someone who actually enjoys a male body, has had sexual experience with men, and isn’t afraid to do something with another man that is “too gay.” Not that there haven’t been exceptions, but overall I have had much more fun with men who were — well, very, very gay.

Last-minute cancellations become more complicated if travel plans have been made, reservations, or other expenses incurred in an extended stay situation prior to meeting.

I wondered whether people hire specifically because it’s Valentine’s Day. Do providers find this to be a busy time?

I don’t think that loving yourself and caring how your words (see above) may make others feel are mutually exclusive. I hope that was not the lesson you learned from psychotherapy.

So how did you become wicked, Elphaba?

I think some hair is preferable, especially when eating. In my opinion, it’s difficult to have too much. It’s not a deal-breaker, but I have never been a big fan of hairlessness down there on men or pre-prubescent twinkishness. But I am usually not a top.

Well, that is not a problem I have. I don’t think I have received 50+ messages on Grindr in the year I have been on the app. Nevertheless, when I do receive a message, even from someone in whom I am not interested, I reply — which is I guess is a now quaint, anachronistic custom. (My Edwardian grandmother would have been pleased with my manners (although I don’t think she gave me any advice in responding to a “dick pic”.)) I don’t think it’s because of the fragility of my ego, but rather that I have decided in life to at least lead with kindness. What I have to accept is that kindness and politeness are often rebuffed and decide how that will influence my actions and whether I should don the shield of callousness that many in modern gay culture misinterpret as strength of character. I should have been hiring in the time when there was much more grace and charm in procuring the services of a gentleman caller for the evening.

I think part of the issue, as I imagine is the case with most of us on here, is that I came of age in a pre-digital and pre-internet world and have lived most of my life in that time. When I first learned how to navigate a gay social world, it seemed that even men out of my league knew how to convey lack of sexual interest in someone. One definitely got the message, but rarely, if ever, can I recall someone outright pretending I wasn’t there at all, if I approached him and he was not interested for whatever reason (even an escort!). I still remember to this day being rejected many years ago by a beautiful man (who was a few years older than I was) whom I was very much interested in. He did it in such a caring, mature, and actually classy way that I remember feeling better somehow after his rejection and thinking at the time, “Gosh, he did that well.” It seemed that at some level most people believed that, even if someone was not a potential sexual partner, they never knew when they would need a friend; there was a gay community of which we all were a part, and there was no reason to totally ostracise a Fellow Traveller. To me it is sad that this behavior has become normal.

Why not politely say that they are not interested in chatting there or refer me to their ads? Instead with ignoring, the message is you are repugnant or not worth my time. I would love to hire them from what I know otherwise, but it’s hard to hire someone knowing how they really feel, even if it’s a different context.

There were two guys advertising on RM in whom I was interested in hiring when I visited their cities, and I thought I might reach out to them when I was definitively planning on being in their respective hometowns. Within a couple weeks, I saw the same guys on Grindr in my city and thought that I would chat them up. What a happy coincidence! They both ignored me — which I understand is not uncommon, particularly as I fall into a few demographics that might not be popular on Grindr — even with a mention of RM. One even said in his ad that he was seeking men older than he is, which I am. In each case, I had clear photos and know that they read the messages through the read receipts. I find that I have put myself in the situation that I have unintentionally confirmed that these guys are not into me physically, as neither even felt the need to be polite enough to respond in that forum or turn me down politely. Should my fear of rejection and my non-interaction with them on Grindr be a sufficient reason not to contact them on RM? Even if they responded to an RM inquiry from me, I would still know what they really thought of me through their lack of response on Grindr, and I fear that would affect any hypothetical experience I would have with either of them. In any other instance, I would not have had this confirmation, and I could at least have the potential of going along with the fantasy that the escort was into me somehow. I’ve not spent much time on Grindr, but seeing both of these providers on the app in my city has lead me to believe that escorts who advertise elsewhere may also often be on Grindr. Is my lesson that if I see a known provider on Grindr I should say nothing so as to spare myself being ignored and eliminating a potential hire, who but for the Grindr experience, I probably would have been interested in.

I hired him twice about 2 years ago. I think he is a very handsome man who puts a lot of work into his diet and physique (and probably a few other substances too to maintain his musculature at his age), but I ultimately decided that we were not a good fit, and I would not hire him again.