FaustOust

He was aware of my plans and we had discussed all the activities that we had planned, as I had solicited his input. He seemed to be looking forward to it, but apparently was indifferent, at best.

I recently hired a provider I’ve frequented to join me for a weekend getaway following my business trip. Our trip had been planned for quite some time in advance. The day before we were scheduled to meet, he cancelled via text message. Apparently, he had just returned from another excursion, I presume with another client, and was delayed getting back. That delay gave him less than a 36-hour turn-around before having to go away with me. He cancelled because he felt that he would not have sufficient time to decompress from his previous trip, and he would be too tired “to give me the kind of experience I deserved” and hoped that we could reschedule. However, when he cancelled, I was already at the destination, had booked the hotel, had invested in concert tickets and other reservations, and was essentially stranded for a rendezvous that never occurred, which was not the experience that I thought I deserved. The amount of time between his travels was always a known quantity, and something he could control when scheduling. Am I being unreasonable by thinking that he could have made this work if he really wanted to? A bouquet of flowers would have been a classy apology — but there was none. I get the impression that cancelling in this manner was no sweat off his brow. Should I not hire him again, or is being stood up in this manner a risk, and cost, one assumes when travelling with escorts? How should I respond, if at all?

I can certainly understand why being with a “straight” man would be psychologically appealing and have had sex with very straight-appearing or straight men in my life for all those reasons. But ultimately, I have come to realize, that the sex is more enjoyable and better with someone who actually enjoys a male body, has had sexual experience with men, and isn’t afraid to do something with another man that is “too gay.” Not that there haven’t been exceptions, but overall I have had much more fun with men who were — well, very, very gay.

Last-minute cancellations become more complicated if travel plans have been made, reservations, or other expenses incurred in an extended stay situation prior to meeting.

I wondered whether people hire specifically because it’s Valentine’s Day. Do providers find this to be a busy time?

I don’t think that loving yourself and caring how your words (see above) may make others feel are mutually exclusive. I hope that was not the lesson you learned from psychotherapy.

So how did you become wicked, Elphaba?

I think some hair is preferable, especially when eating. In my opinion, it’s difficult to have too much. It’s not a deal-breaker, but I have never been a big fan of hairlessness down there on men or pre-prubescent twinkishness. But I am usually not a top.

Well, that is not a problem I have. I don’t think I have received 50+ messages on Grindr in the year I have been on the app. Nevertheless, when I do receive a message, even from someone in whom I am not interested, I reply — which is I guess is a now quaint, anachronistic custom. (My Edwardian grandmother would have been pleased with my manners (although I don’t think she gave me any advice in responding to a “dick pic”.)) I don’t think it’s because of the fragility of my ego, but rather that I have decided in life to at least lead with kindness. What I have to accept is that kindness and politeness are often rebuffed and decide how that will influence my actions and whether I should don the shield of callousness that many in modern gay culture misinterpret as strength of character. I should have been hiring in the time when there was much more grace and charm in procuring the services of a gentleman caller for the evening.

I think part of the issue, as I imagine is the case with most of us on here, is that I came of age in a pre-digital and pre-internet world and have lived most of my life in that time. When I first learned how to navigate a gay social world, it seemed that even men out of my league knew how to convey lack of sexual interest in someone. One definitely got the message, but rarely, if ever, can I recall someone outright pretending I wasn’t there at all, if I approached him and he was not interested for whatever reason (even an escort!). I still remember to this day being rejected many years ago by a beautiful man (who was a few years older than I was) whom I was very much interested in. He did it in such a caring, mature, and actually classy way that I remember feeling better somehow after his rejection and thinking at the time, “Gosh, he did that well.” It seemed that at some level most people believed that, even if someone was not a potential sexual partner, they never knew when they would need a friend; there was a gay community of which we all were a part, and there was no reason to totally ostracise a Fellow Traveller. To me it is sad that this behavior has become normal.

Why not politely say that they are not interested in chatting there or refer me to their ads? Instead with ignoring, the message is you are repugnant or not worth my time. I would love to hire them from what I know otherwise, but it’s hard to hire someone knowing how they really feel, even if it’s a different context.

There were two guys advertising on RM in whom I was interested in hiring when I visited their cities, and I thought I might reach out to them when I was definitively planning on being in their respective hometowns. Within a couple weeks, I saw the same guys on Grindr in my city and thought that I would chat them up. What a happy coincidence! They both ignored me — which I understand is not uncommon, particularly as I fall into a few demographics that might not be popular on Grindr — even with a mention of RM. One even said in his ad that he was seeking men older than he is, which I am. In each case, I had clear photos and know that they read the messages through the read receipts. I find that I have put myself in the situation that I have unintentionally confirmed that these guys are not into me physically, as neither even felt the need to be polite enough to respond in that forum or turn me down politely. Should my fear of rejection and my non-interaction with them on Grindr be a sufficient reason not to contact them on RM? Even if they responded to an RM inquiry from me, I would still know what they really thought of me through their lack of response on Grindr, and I fear that would affect any hypothetical experience I would have with either of them. In any other instance, I would not have had this confirmation, and I could at least have the potential of going along with the fantasy that the escort was into me somehow. I’ve not spent much time on Grindr, but seeing both of these providers on the app in my city has lead me to believe that escorts who advertise elsewhere may also often be on Grindr. Is my lesson that if I see a known provider on Grindr I should say nothing so as to spare myself being ignored and eliminating a potential hire, who but for the Grindr experience, I probably would have been interested in.

I hired him twice about 2 years ago. I think he is a very handsome man who puts a lot of work into his diet and physique (and probably a few other substances too to maintain his musculature at his age), but I ultimately decided that we were not a good fit, and I would not hire him again.

Good for you! I was lucky to get once a day on my trip with a provider who actually advertises as an escort. LOL. It wasn’t a cruise for me, though, and there wasn’t much down time. But live and learn. Thanks for sharing your experience.

Providers: Have you ever had a client whom you thought was noticeably hotter than you are? And understand “hotter” by whatever measure you judge attractiveness in yourself — any combination of looks, build, overall sexiness, etc. What did you think? How did that dynamic, with the tables turned, affect how you went about the interaction?

I second this opinion. @FaustOust seems to have an axe to grind. Its NOT the provider's responsibility to provide psychological services for the price of a blowjob I agree it’s not the provider’s responsibility to provide psychological services and that ultimately every reasonably sane person is responsible for his own actions. I just think that we all have to be honest and admit that providers often, and maybe even necessarily, rely upon their repeat clients developing some degree of emotional attachment to them, especially when the client is hiring for companionship and not just a blowjob. The escort wants the client to come back. It’s when a client has responded in such a way that it has gone too far for the escort or the client responds negatively to being rejected that we say that this is only a financial transaction, and that the client went too far, and that he should have known better. I just think we should call a spade a spade. It is to the provider’s benefit to manipulate within a certain range of emotional attachment and try to deftly stay within that framework. I assume that is the tightrope that was described earlier. I just think it is disingenuous when an escort takes umbrage at the suggestion that there is any degree of manipulation whatsoever — that it is merely an arms-length financial transaction between two equal parties, no different than if one called his broker to ask to transfer stock. But we all know it’s not the same thing; hiring an escort does involve money, but it is qualitatively different. What leads to people hiring can involve complex emotions, actually. I imagine most clients can navigate this on their own, but others are more vulnerable. But in either case, there often is manipulation, it is just a matter of degree and how the client responds to it. When a provider acknowledges that some clients have a degree of emotional attachment (a guarantee that they would like to continue seeing him) and he walks a “tightrope” to remind them of the transactional nature of the relationship, presumably so that they do not get too attached but remain attached enough that the provider can therefore continue seeing them in good conscience — that is the definition of manipulation. Simply to say, “I told them,” isn’t how human emotions work, particularly from the perspective of an emotionally attached client, although it may serve to absolve the provider from feeling he has done anything nefarious if the emotional connection ever got out of hand. The intellect and the heart are not always in sync and a good escort knows that. Perhaps the escort is even gauging the degree of the client’s emotional attachment so that he can measure his own response to elicit the desired behavior from the client and continue “transacting” without drama. Whether the result of the manipulation is good or bad depends on the particular circumstance and whether someone is harmed by it; but it is manipulation, nonetheless, even though most providers would deny that that’s what they are doing. The best escorts are even practised at it. Get them close, but not too close —the client gets his services and the escort continues to be remunerated. The incentive for the escort is usually to allow that attachment to grow to the limit at which it remains a functional provider/client relationship without crossing the line where it no longer is functional. We never hear about manipulation in those circumstance because the manipulation was successful — until it isn’t. I think we just need to call it what it is, and a lot of potential clients might be better off and better informed of their emotional risks before they start hiring.

Only mirrors are in the bathroom and I just use the eyes diverted down technique to avoid my image. I did catch myself today on Zoom and diagnosed myself with Rosacea which puts me the select company of Bozo and Rudolp and of course Karl Malden. Don’t feel bad, @purplekow, rumour has it that @BenjaminNicholas is likely just surrounded by a lot more mirrors than most of us.

At least not for you, apparently. I think the take away from your comment above is a warning to all of us who hire, and sadly it demonstrates the very point I am making.

If hiring an escort is merely a financial transaction for a service rendered (as is the general sense in this forum) then when one-sided emotional attachments are involved and the provider is aware of his client’s attachments, the manipulation is simply a matter of degree, it seems to me. Once you know that there are emotional attachments involved which you do not share, simply reminding the client of the nature of the financial relationship while you continue see them, knowing full well why they want to see you is not fully for your stated purpose but rather in the hope for the possibility of more, seems somewhat disingenuous. It’s just a matter of where the line is drawn at that point for the manipulation to stop. Is it when there are, as you describe, just “emotional attachments” and something less than having “fallen for someone,” as I have said above? Or is it when the client professes his love for you in words? Or is it when they have bankrupted themselves spending on your services? It seems its the same animal, but just a question of the degree of manipulation the provider is willing to exert.

I’m curious: if you are aware that these clients have developed an emotional attachment to you, but yet you continue to see them knowing that they have fallen for you while you engage in an interesting “tightrope,” isn’t that tightrope really just manipulation and you taking advantage of their emotional connection to you for continued profit? At this point, you’re in it for business, but they’re in it for love, and you are aware of the dynamic, knowingly risking their heartbreak while they are under the delusional hope that you might love them in return.

I think that was a thoughtful and kind remark to make to a client in this forum— and a confidence booster for everyone. Some escorts are all about getting others to praise their looks and physiques, but you choose to lift others up. True beauty need not draw attention to itself for others to recognize it. Keep being the truly beautiful you.

I had reached out before but less so. It was usually in response to him or planning get-togethers. He had encouraged more communication —until the trip. After the trip, however, it was usually initiated by me and his responses got slower, shorter and gradually dissipated. In retrospect, his communication style was probably designed to reach a certain level of connection with me so that I would keep coming back and invite him to do something like a vacation. Now, having achieved his goal, he may think he has over corrected, and is pushing away so as not to get too close — but still close enough that I would want to hire him again. That’s my guess at the moment.

I think I can say that my texts were not particularly needy or insistent about anything and only occasional.

Providers, would you continue to see a client whom you thought had mental health issues or was suicidal? Would you get them help or just stay away?

It could be. If so, he gradually came to that conclusion or perhaps thought he was being kind by ending it without saying so.