Zapped

The alpha/sub kink/lifestyle was and maybe still is a big thing on tumblr. It’s huge on niteflirt.com (paid phone sex). Back when I was hanging out in that space, there were taxonomies of submissiveness, with “bottom” at the top of the list (least submissive) and then sub, slave, faggot, owned faggot, etc. I forget the actual order. In any event, one end of the spectrum was total physical, emotional, mental, and financial surrender and devotion to the (theoretically) straight “alpha.”

Coming to NYC for a business trip next week, staying with my daughter as of now so can’t host. I have recurring fantasies about a couple of the guys on the college swim team where I teach. One has a very defined body, almost more like a gymnast than a swimmer. Any recommendations for someone under 30 who could fulfill my college swimmer/gymnast fantasy? PMs welcome. Thanks!

Wait ... how often do you arrive for a session with a client and there are other people there, especially family not participating in the session? I can understand an apartment mate or housemate being cool ... but an adult child? Did he know why you were there? This is a great short story or film waiting to happen.

Oh, another reason I wish I still lived in NYC!

It’s harder to sort on a phone than a laptop or desktop. But 99% of the guys are there for phone sex with men—there are very few women who pay for phone sex. Click on a listing, and you’ll see the category of the listing. If it’s something like men/home alone/gay click on that and you’ll see all the categories in that listing. The very few guys who only do women say so in their ad. You can also read the feedback on any provider and see if it is men or women or both giving the feedback.

There are a lot of good phone sex guys on niteflirt.com. All the ads have pics (hard to know if they are of the actual guy or not), and the highest rated ones are typically very good, especially if you are clear up front what scene you want. Often quicker/more efficient than hanging out in chat rooms looking for the right guy. Some do camming so you know what you’re seeing.

I picked up or got picked up by guys on the street when I was in my late teens and early 20s in the late 70s. Once I walked by a guy sitting on the steps in front of his apartment building. We made eye contact, smiled, he asked if I wanted to come in, and in a couple of minutes we were in his bed. Those were the days! Harmless flirtation or a creepy vibe? Only the OP knows how he experienced it. How’d he know the OP was gay? Gaydar—or not caring. If you’re uncomfortable in a situation, get out of it! Doesn’t matter how it would have been experienced by someone else, or how someone else thinks he would have experienced based on a description. I’m extremely comfortable in a bath house. My husband (who has a lot of anxiety issues) is scared to death to go into one. To each his own.

I, too, prefer a guy with a smaller dick for giving oral (which I love to do).

If I want to have sex, now, or at least in the next hour or two, it’s the bath house. Especially if I want to be in one of those in-the-moment group scenes that can happen in a steam room. Or watch. Or be watched. If I want conversation, I’m not likely to get much of that at the baths!

I’m just amazed that there are adult straight men who go out of their way to jerk off with other guys. Or jerk off for other guys. What a wonderful world!

https://www.gq.com/story/why-straight-men-are-joining-masturbation-clubs Somehow this both surprises me and doesn't surprise me. But where the hell was this when I was younger and single? College could have been a lot more fun!

Of course, given my age, I thought of the PINK Panther, lol. Another clue: original post was Feb. 5 . . .

Ordered one! Good luck with this.

If only I wasn’t 60 and overweight! I don’t think there’s much of a market, even among daddy lovers, for my body type!

Really interesting business model, isn’t it?

Certainly sounds hot! With the right escorts (especially ones with stamina and quick recharge abilities), clarity on boundaries, and enough $$ . . . I have a long-time fantasy of hiring two escorts to have sex with each other as party entertainment, myself. Maybe for my next "divisible by 10" birthday . . . .

I have been damaged, no question. Because of my financial circumstances, I've never been in a position to hire for more than an hour here or there, and it's been to fulfill specific fantasies. Even in some of those, I've felt the guys were healers and I feel deep gratitude to them. What I've never been able to do is to hire someone regularly, or for an overnight, or for multiple days. It's clear to me that this would be an entirely different sort of experience. The kind of experience you provide, BN, is literally out of my league--but I have no doubt it is extraordinary. And I really doubt anyone pays you "to go away"! Now I have a terrific husband, also damaged and healing, and we are healing together. Meanwhile, I'd say that I have worked with terrific therapists and personal-development coaches and personal trainers and massage therapists and, earlier in life, music teachers, and for the most part our professional relationships have been great and warm and beneficial but rarely were we interested in the details of each other's personal lives or have a social relationship outside our professional relationship. Admiration and warmth and genuine connection, all there. Ina professional context. I did become friends with one trainer, who had grown up with two moms, and suffered some homophobia, and who I think saw me in part as a father figure and asked for some business/career advice on occasion.

By the way, I finally read the review that started this whole thread. It sounds like the reviewer thought he was being polite listening to the guy talk, and the escort assumed the client just wanted the company and was planning to and.or should pay for it. Differing unspoken expectations of each other. Which is why it is always best to make expectations clear. I once hired an escort for an hour and we agreed to keep the option open for a second hour. Our time together was enjoyable, but it was clear he wasn't that into me sexually. We both came before the first hour was up. As we got to the one-hour mark, he was lying in my arms rather sleepily and it was clear we weren't going to have a round 2. So I mentioned to him the hour was about up. He said, "oh I thought you wanted the second hour," and I said no, and he said OK, and was happy and eager to get back to his boyfriend. Now it's entirely possible that had I been lonelier and more financially comfortable I'd have wanted to pay for an additional hour of cuddling/sleeping. But I wasn't particularly lonely and the money was a bit of a stretch. And I can see why he would have assumed I wanted him to stay, since I hadn't said anything to the contrary, and why I might have been happy to pay for "his time" and body contact. I actually thought he was asleep. He was, I think, pretending to be asleep, and, having already come, probably not looking forward to the second hour but willing to do his best for the money. Had I been "nice" and let him sleep, which occurred to me, then he probably would have wanted to be paid. As I'm writing, it's coming back to me that he pretty much jumped out of bed once it was clear I didn't want to pay for another hour. Getting expectations explicit is very helpful! I started having less tension with my husband when I realized I was upset with him for not meeting expectations I hadn't made explicit. Turns out he's not a mind reader. And he's from Asia, and there are some very different cultural expectations. A topic for another time. . . .

That’s good—you got me! Well, look, I love my students and I like talking with them. And one has to set boundaries. Just as therapists and other professionals do. So I guess I put that while in too snarky a mood. If someone’s in a real crisis, I’m there for them as long as they need to talk and I direct them to the professional counseling services on campus, which they are often afraid to visit. I’m a good listener, and a caring person, and if a student is talking about a subject of mutual interest I’ll talk for as much time as I have. And sometimes there’s a limit to how much adolescent romantic and other drama I have space for after doing this as long as I’ve been doing this. Which is one reason I’m retiring and shifting careers. If you don’t work regularly with people in late adolescence, just ask yourself how much of your own free time you would really want to spend hearing about the private lives of 18-21 year olds. If you do work professionally with this age group, how much of your off-the-clock time do you spend just socializing with kids that age? I’m pretty sure very few teachers (no matter how effective and dedicated) or therapists or physicians who work with adolescents spend much extended time socializing with adolescents. I’m sorry if BN or anyone else was offended by my “you pay the escort to leave” quote. It’s here in these forums that someone else pointed that out long ago. While I restated it overly dismissively, there is an aspect to any professional relationship where it is about the work being paid for. Even in the friendliest context, very often what we pay for is some human connection and, if our social needs are met otherwise, to act out a particular sexual fantasy. I’ve dated guys in their late teens and early 20s, and it was exhausting at times. I’ve had absolutely great times with escorts for an hour or two and, I’ll be honest, I really was happy to have the encounter and then to have it over. I’ve also had hookups that were great, but they were just that, hookups, not the starts to beautiful friendships. So, you hire an escort for an hour or two and hit it off and it’s nice. That doesn’t mean he’s now your boyfriend to spend time with you “off the clock.” He’s got a life. Similarly, if you’re an escort and really like the client, that doesn’t mean he’s going to become your friend, or want to hear about your issues with your mother or your boyfriend or girlfriend or whomever. Especially on the clock! I’m acutely aware I am an asshole sometimes, and if this is one of those times, I’m sure someone will point it out (again). Meanwhile, I just had a great exchange with a student here in the dining hall and now I’ll do grade some papers.

NYTimes article on OnlyFans: They Fixed Pornography https://nyti.ms/2UOmRiL?smid=nytcore-ios-share

When I was a kid, a couple of my friends and I liked to get naked and experiment— snap our erect dicks, look at each other, etc. nothing actually sexual but it was arousing. We’d look at a Playboy or Penthouse we found in one of our dad’s drawers. It was more excitement of the forbidden than anything else. Then one time I noticed the other guys were interested only in the photos of the women and not in each other’s bodies, while I wasn’t interested in the females. That was a clue. In 6th grade or so, the musical ensemble I was in played in a big festival concert in the gym of the high school. There were some high school guys in athletic clothes in the hallway, and the smell of the chlorine from the pool. I’d been in the locker room to change for swimming lessons there earlier. It all made my mind swim a bit and I felt very turned on. In 7th grade, when junior high started, I didn’t have gym class for some reason. The locker room entrance was right across from the music room, and when someone did show me the locker room, I got immediately hard. And it was around that time I started wondering. In eighth grade, the first time I saw guys in the locker room showers I got so hard I probably came close to ejaculating in my pants. I didn’t think “I’m gay,” but it sure was exciting.

This reminds me that one has to be careful about friendly chat time with a lawyer—you can really run up the clock there, too. Right or wrong about this situation, the escort in question is unlikely to have a long career. And lesson learned for the client. I’m also reminded of a phrase some of us use from time to time—one of the things we pay an escort to do is to leave, so we don’t have to listen to a young guy babble on and on. I’m a college professor—there are times when someone comes in to talk that I have to use every trick I’ve learned from therapists on ending a session politely, especially of there is not someone else waiting.

How about, “Hey—I’m really into guys freshly showered and smelling clean. Can you get into that?”

In my young nerdy/twinky days, I was at a performing arts school and got a crush on a dancer with the most perfect body ever. To my surprise, he was attracted to me. My first boyfriend! And he was the least sexually adventurous of anyone I ever slept with, I think. After a couple of weeks we lost interest in each other. (Not surprising for college kids I now realize.) In the intervening years, I occasionally hooked up with someone with an “ideal” muscular body. Almost always a dud in bed. (When I got older and into muscle worship, that didn’t matter so much.) In my 30s and 40s when I was in decent shape and semi-popular at bathhouses, I got the most amazing blow jobs from older, often quite heavy guys. I was never an escort, but as a guy who had sex a lot, I can say I had a blast with guys with all sorts of bodies, including old and fat ones. Meanwhile, whatever karma I built up in those earlier decades seems to be paying off in my 50s and now 60s.

I’m married to a guy much younger than me, from Asia, who is not out to his family. It’s hard for him, because he doesn’t want to hurt or devestate his parents, who just don’t understand. Your guy is young—still in college. His brain is still developing, as is his emotional maturity and sense of self. He may have a very human set of conflicting emotions—wanting to be in great shape, yet wanting to know you love him for who he is and not just his body. Just love him. And remember you can be committed without being attached. (Easier said than done, I know!)