CuriousSub

Disclaimer: this is just some sort of journal to process my emotions after a session with a provider, it’s more for myself because I can’t discuss this with friends. Comments/suggestions are more than welcome as long as they are not offensive.
 
My first time left me thinking that I had feelings for the provider, but as the comments pointed out that it was just infatuation rather than “love” (silly I know, but it really felt that way). People gave me many solid advice and it really helped me. This time, after some mental preparation, I met with the same provider and did 2 hours instead of 1 because last time felt kinda short. Like last time, I was a bit of shy in the beginning, but he was able to put me into the scene pretty quick. All the caressing, whispering behind my ears, combined with light pain/nipple play, and socks sniffing and worshiping really made me want him more. He asked me to trust him and let him take control (consensual as I wanted him to lead), he then made me to say it out loud that I trust him, i think it really did it once I said it out loud. 
 
We then moved to his bedroom as we have had the foreplay mentioned above. He took out a pair of leather handcuffs and put them onto my arms, adjusted to the proper tightness and then tied my arms to the bed. At that time, I was nervous, scared, but also excited about where he is taking me. All this time, he never forgot to touch me here and there to keep my body sensitive. Once I was tied up, he started tickling me and made me struggle to beg him to stop, and at the meantime, he would tease me with his cock and verbally dominate me. It was exciting and humiliating at the same time, just what I wanted tbh. My d was so hard and he would use the spanking paddle to slap my balls to see how much pain I can take. All these, he never went too far and as soon as the pain was a bit much, he noticed right away and would stop, then rewarded me by letting me sniff and lick his socked feet. Tbh thinking back he executed it perfectly. 
 
we discussed no anal sex beforehand and he respected it as well, but it didn’t mean that he didn’t try to expand my limit. He walked out of the room and went to get a pair of exam gloves and said “I’m going to try something new with you”. I immediately knew what was coming and was very nervous and told him that I was afraid it might be painful and feel weird. While trying to expand my limit, he kept his words and reassured me that “don’t worry,  will keep my words. You’ve trusted me so far and if it’s too much, I’ll stop”. After that, I pretty much just let him finger me, he was so gentle, yet knew exactly how to play with me mentally with his words. He devilishly looked me into my eyes, while fingering me he said “I don’t care how you feel, I do exactly what I want with my f toy (again, pre-discussed with the role play stuff), and you are loving it, aren’t you?” There you have it, me being tied up, helpless, with him fingering my ass, and verbally teasing me, it seriously couldn’t get better than that. I was so aroused at the moment, yet felt a bit of shamed that I was enjoying it so much. Even though I wasn’t ready for him to put more fingers in and I stopped him (which of course he complied), I was definitely getting more and more submissive after that because now thinking back, I started saying some stuff  (like calling myself a slut, or f**) out loud that I would normally too shy to say. After the ass play, he untied me and started fucking my mouth, occasionally would force me to lick his arm pits and spit on my face, which were all my turn-ons. I was getting more and more comfortable to the role and would start teasing him with my ass while sucking him off, I was actually proud of myself for making him wanting me and able to give him some pleasure. 
 
Thinking back, I felt like I was playing a dangerous game because I was letting go more and more control: multiple times I almost just let him f me to please him more. I don’t know how I feel about this because I’m a bit of shamed, scared, yet excited. We also ended up on a very good note with some cuddling and chatting. Now going back to what I said in the beginning, I mentally prepared myself to not get the same “attached” feeling like last time. I left feeling perfectly okay and was confident this time was different, and I genuinely felt that way too. However, the same night I started experiencing insomnia, and started having so much emotions and feelings: shame, guilt, sad, down, and scared about how long all these feelings would last, yet I wanted to see him again. Can’t exactly pinpoint the emotion, but it was just off. After a bit of searching, I realized I was experiencing sub-drop. The online self aftercare kit suggested to communicate with the partner and if the dom is experienced, he would understand this and help sorting out the feelings. I was a bit wary about contacting the provider afterwards because I didn’t know the etiquette of this. Then I remembered that he did say if I need to contact him regarding the scene afterwards, I can. I took the offer and sent him a message at 4:30 in the morning to ask for some guidance and about how to deal with the drop and those emotions. He got back to me immediately when he got up and reassured me that he cares and he’s there for me to help me proceeding the emotions and the scene. Also suggested me to journal my feelings and experience. I took his advice about journaling but decided to do it a bit differently by posting it here. I also communicated that I didn’t know the etiquette about contacting him after the session. I didn’t want to impose too much and take too much of his time afterwards, he assured me it’s okay to say hi here and there, but don’t expect the provider to be a friend. However, he said he’s in the process with me and  I can text him anytime to process my thoughts related to our time together.
I found this to be incredibly kind of him as he has no obligation to do so. I just really appreciate that he actually cares and is a responsible dom, but at the same time I can feel that I’m taking his kindness as something it’s not: that I “love” him. 
 
I did feel better knowing that he’s there to me and will help me out with the process. But earlier today, I felt the sadness again that the scene is over and I miss him so much. I miss spending the time and want to do another session. Logically I know this is not good and a bit of afraid that this might be addictive. Tbh I just want to have a good time and don’t have all these emotions, sigh… 
if you read all this, I apologize about my ranting. Just needed to vent and share some experience for my own goodZ

Disclaimer: this is just some sort of journal to process my emotions after a session with a provider, it’s more for myself because I can’t discuss this with friends. Comments/suggestions are more than welcome as long as they are not offensive.
 
My first time left me thinking that I had feelings for the provider, but as the comments pointed out that it was just infatuation rather than “love” (silly I know, but it really felt that way). People gave me many solid advice and it really helped me. This time, after some mental preparation, I met with the same provider and did 2 hours instead of 1 because last time felt kinda short. Like last time, I was a bit of shy in the beginning, but he was able to put me into the scene pretty quick. All the caressing, whispering behind my ears, combined with light pain/nipple play, and socks sniffing and worshiping really made me want him more. He asked me to trust him and let him take control (consensual as I wanted him to lead), he then made me to say it out loud that I trust him, i think it really did it once I said it out loud. 
 
We then moved to his bedroom as we have had the foreplay mentioned above. He took out a pair of leather handcuffs and put them onto my arms, adjusted to the proper tightness and then tied my arms to the bed. At that time, I was nervous, scared, but also excited about where he is taking me. All this time, he never forgot to touch me here and there to keep my body sensitive. Once I was tied up, he started tickling me and made me struggle to beg him to stop, and at the meantime, he would tease me with his cock and verbally dominate me. It was exciting and humiliating at the same time, just what I wanted tbh. My d was so hard and he would use the spanking paddle to slap my balls to see how much pain I can take. All these, he never went too far and as soon as the pain was a bit much, he noticed right away and would stop, then rewarded me by letting me sniff and lick his socked feet. Tbh thinking back he executed it perfectly. 
 
we discussed no anal sex beforehand and he respected it as well, but it didn’t mean that he didn’t try to expand my limit. He walked out of the room and went to get a pair of exam gloves and said “I’m going to try something new with you”. I immediately knew what was coming and was very nervous and told him that I was afraid it might be painful and feel weird. While trying to expand my limit, he kept his words and reassured me that “don’t worry,  will keep my words. You’ve trusted me so far and if it’s too much, I’ll stop”. After that, I pretty much just let him finger me, he was so gentle, yet knew exactly how to play with me mentally with his words. He devilishly looked me into my eyes, while fingering me he said “I don’t care how you feel, I do exactly what I want with my f toy (again, pre-discussed with the role play stuff), and you are loving it, aren’t you?” There you have it, me being tied up, helpless, with him fingering my ass, and verbally teasing me, it seriously couldn’t get better than that. I was so aroused at the moment, yet felt a bit of shamed that I was enjoying it so much. Even though I wasn’t ready for him to put more fingers in and I stopped him (which of course he complied), I was definitely getting more and more submissive after that because now thinking back, I started saying some stuff  (like calling myself a slut, or f**) out loud that I would normally too shy to say. After the ass play, he untied me and started fucking my mouth, occasionally would force me to lick his arm pits and spit on my face, which were all my turn-ons. I was getting more and more comfortable to the role and would start teasing him with my ass while sucking him off, I was actually proud of myself for making him wanting me and able to give him some pleasure. 
 
Thinking back, I felt like I was playing a dangerous game because I was letting go more and more control: multiple times I almost just let him f me to please him more. I don’t know how I feel about this because I’m a bit of shamed, scared, yet excited. We also ended up on a very good note with some cuddling and chatting. Now going back to what I said in the beginning, I mentally prepared myself to not get the same “attached” feeling like last time. I left feeling perfectly okay and was confident this time was different, and I genuinely felt that way too. However, the same night I started experiencing insomnia, and started having so much emotions and feelings: shame, guilt, sad, down, and scared about how long all these feelings would last, yet I wanted to see him again. Can’t exactly pinpoint the emotion, but it was just off. After a bit of searching, I realized I was experiencing sub-drop. The online self aftercare kit suggested to communicate with the partner and if the dom is experienced, he would understand this and help sorting out the feelings. I was a bit wary about contacting the provider afterwards because I didn’t know the etiquette of this. Then I remembered that he did say if I need to contact him regarding the scene afterwards, I can. I took the offer and sent him a message at 4:30 in the morning to ask for some guidance and about how to deal with the drop and those emotions. He got back to me immediately when he got up and reassured me that he cares and he’s there for me to help me proceeding the emotions and the scene. Also suggested me to journal my feelings and experience. I took his advice about journaling but decided to do it a bit differently by posting it here. I also communicated that I didn’t know the etiquette about contacting him after the session. I didn’t want to impose too much and take too much of his time afterwards, he assured me it’s okay to say hi here and there, but don’t expect the provider to be a friend. However, he said he’s in the process with me and  I can text him anytime to process my thoughts related to our time together.
I found this to be incredibly kind of him as he has no obligation to do so. I just really appreciate that he actually cares and is a responsible dom, but at the same time I can feel that I’m taking his kindness as something it’s not: that I “love” him. 
 
I did feel better knowing that he’s there to me and will help me out with the process. But earlier today, I felt the sadness again that the scene is over and I miss him so much. I miss spending the time and want to do another session. Logically I know this is not good and a bit of afraid that this might be addictive. Tbh I just want to have a good time and don’t have all these emotions, sigh… 
if you read all this, I apologize about my ranting. Just needed to vent and share some experience for my own goodZ

Ok, time for the cold hard slap of reality……
He is not in love with you and you are not in love with him.
Baby he rocked  your world for one night. That’s his job.
Nothing more. Nothing less.
Enjoy it. Love it. Worship it.…but acknowledge it for what it is. 
A job well done…..nothing more, nothing less.

My favorite Asian top recently stopped working.  I have serviced him on and off for probably 15 years.  He wasn't big but was a heavy heavy shooter.  I'll probably never find another escort like him.  It really is heartbreaking.  

You don't need to switch it off instantly.  Trying to switch it off is its own kind of craziness.  If the feeling is too uncomfortable, don't feed and it will fade within a few days.    You can handle anything for a few days.

@CuriousSub
The person who delivers a first-time success is naturally going to linger in the mind, and often becomes the experience in the memory. A natural human bonding. You do seem clear that your relationship is business. 
You can either see more of him, and perhaps tighten the bond between this individual and the experience you want to recreate. Or… see if you can give other providers a chance, now that you know what to describe.
Every provider is different from one another, and the connection formed in one encounter is not an assembly line product, so even with the same provider the connection from the last meeting may not replicate itself. Since your hero is not local to you, explore those who are. If you’re meant to reunite for another sesh, it will happen. Many good teachers out there to help you expand or refine D/s activity you enjoy.

Thanks for all the replies . Logically speaking, I know the right thing to do. Right now it’s just pretty hard to switch it off instantly. Prob not suited for a one night stand for me, if I get attached so easily. 

Think of your encounter as a day in Disney World.  You were in the happiest place on earth,  You paid your admission fee, you rode the rides You probably ate the "turkey leg" and you had a great time.  Unfortunately, most of us cannot live in Disney World all the time.  There is no reason not to see this man again.  Likely the next session will have the added benefit of familiarity. You know where things are.  You know what was really the most fun.  You probably are thinking of other rides that you missed.  And you probably want to sample a nice juicy turkey leg again.  
 If you truly believe you cannot contain yourself seeing this man again within the limits of your budget and his availability.  Try Universal.  Also great rides.  Also a fun time but just a slightly different experience.  At some point you are going to want to try Universal anyway because no matter how much fun Disney is, hey Universal may be better.  
You mentioned that you did light S&M.  That involves trust and it is clear this escort was able to establish that.  If also involves control, which it seems he was also able to obtain.  You need to reestablish the control you have ceded, which does not necessarily return when the session ends.  I have an escort with whom I have a Dom sub relationship.  We see each other infrequently, but I left a pair of underwear at his place and every now and then I call him and tell him to get the underwear and smell it while I am on the phone. A few inhales and we hang up.   He has been more than willing to do so.  
My bet, you would be willing to do something this escort asked of you even if he called and asked, even if you were a bit Leary of it.   As a client, you need to be able to control yourself before you allow someone else to control you .   Get your emotions in check.  Once you are ready, call him again.  Cede control because you choose to, not because you can't help yourself or because he demands it and you will able to continue having fun.  

Relax @CuriousSub, enjoy and allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling but always being aware you are hiring someone to satisfy your desires and money is the glue to that relationship. Have fun and try no to get hurt 😊

Haha, do you really want to know? I can’t tell if you are making a joke or being sarcastic. (Genuinely don’t know. )
 
Thanks! It feels good to have a place to talk/ ask for advice. 
 
most the posts/replies are constructive, wasn’t sure the vibe here is more like DL, or more tolerant, no judgement attitude.