Worst Ever Massage

[Lewis H]

I had a stripper fall asleep (or pass out) during a private dance. Pretty sure he was on something, I have no idea what.

You. He was on you (and asleep) at that point.

[+ Balthazar]

How can a 'masseur' fall asleep while doing a massage? Maybe drunk? On drugs? What do you think?

He might have been tired, and the lack of effortful, engaging activity on a bed got to him.

[CuriousByNature]

He might have been tired, and the lack of effortful, engaging activity on a bed got to him.

If I was able to stay awake for almost 3 hours watching Ralph Fiennes slowly die in 'The English Patient', surely a masseur should be able to stay awake long enough to complete a massage... ?

[Monarchy79]

If I were in that scenario, I'd jump up and yell, "Whoa! No way! This is the one where the guy thought his sister was the perp! I LOVE this episode. Streamed it a couple of days ago. So good!"

????

[Ludo]

Did you take the discount and try again?

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

[wbtravis]

C'mon now. You know you have one. Spill:)

 

Guy near Nashville - kept zoning out like Bran from Game Of Thrones. Hands would stop moving but the clock wouldn’t. Seriously creepy. Could not wait to get out of there. Wasn’t sure if he was having seizures? It was odd as hell.

 

Next, a guy in San Jose who has a huge piece of meat. I showed up for a massage and he basically stripped down and plopped it in my face, like - “aren’t you lucky a am huge. And you can pay to suck it?”

 

I called it and left. Arrogant jerk.

[Antonio1981]

Guy near Nashville - kept zoning out like Bran from Game Of Thrones. Hands would stop moving but the clock wouldn’t. Seriously creepy. Could not wait to get out of there. Wasn’t sure if he was having seizures? It was odd as hell.

 

Next, a guy in San Jose who has a huge piece of meat. I showed up for a massage and he basically stripped down and plopped it in my face, like - “aren’t you lucky a am huge. And you can pay to suck it?”

 

I called it and left. Arrogant jerk.

 

I think I've been to the guy in San Jose? He was huge and uncut, had a good body - I think he was a personal trainer, but clearly baiting guys to blow him.

[samK]

I LOVE S

My worst, was one of my first years ago.

 

https://rentmasseur.com/Glen

 

disheveled hotel room

 

Messy bathroom

 

He just finished eating Chinese food, so the room smelled like the shrimp fried rice and other food he left on the unmade bed and the half eaten food containers were in the bed.

oiled me up with dollar-store Brand baby oil and proceeded to give me repetitive massage strokes for about 40 minutes while he was watching an episode of Scandal and checking text messages with his other hand.

 

 

I Love Scandal!!

[wbtravis]

I think I've been to the guy in San Jose? He was huge and uncut, had a good body - I think he was a personal trainer, but clearly baiting guys to blow him.

Yup! That’s the guy.

[big dale]

Yup! That’s the guy.

Where's the pics!? LOL

[wbtravis]

Where's the pics!? LOL

Wouldn’t give him the benefit of posting them.?

[Antonio1981]

Where's the pics!? LOL

 

https://rentmasseur.com/HngXLandFit

[big dale]

https://rentmasseur.com/HngXLandFit

The public pics are boring. *SADFACE*

[CuriousByNature]

The public pics are boring. *SADFACE*

Let me help...? or ?

[+ azdr0710]

https://rentmasseur.com/HngXLandFit

 

But I do charge an extra 20 for the inconvenience of hosting.

 

gotta say I do like this guy's spunk.....but see posts #134 - 140 for a reality check!

Edited February 27, 2020 by azdr0710

[Lewis H]

https://rentmasseur.com/HngXLandFit

 

But I do charge an extra 20 for the inconvenience of hosting.

 

gotta say I do like this guy's spunk.....but see posts #134 - 140 for a reality check!

Hosting is inconvenient, but if he drives to you there's also a fee. Sooo, normal rates apply ONLY if you live within walking distance of his enormous appendage. I'm so glad I live several states away!

[SlvrTrvlr]

C'mon now. You know you have one. Spill:)

 

I've had a few poor experiences and my share of funny ones as well. One of my first massages was with a "therapist" I'd found in the classified section of a free local rag. I was nervous and didn't know much (or I would never have gone through with it). I went to the guy's house. He was nothing much to look at - overweight and disheveled. And he was a hoarder. I've never seen so much stuff everywhere. Dust was hanging in the air. There were piles of clothes on all the furniture. There was no place to put my clothes. Then there was the cat hair. He shrugged and said that he was a "casual housekeeper". I remember being totally creeped out by the whole experience. I don't remember much of the massage but do suspect that there was a HE. I was young and it didn't take much then. Now it takes more but I'm far more discriminating <g>.

[+ poolboy48220]

This doesn't qualify as "worst-ever", but just funny. A traveller, pre-internet ads. When I got there he said he did "Taoist Erotic Massage" (which I was very comfortable with :-) ), and that he might make little noises of pleasure while he was doing the massage. He did, kind of like the little noises I'll make to indicate "Yes, you are fine with touching my balls". It was a fun session.

[OCDallas]

Y’all I just had the worst massage experience of my life. I’ve probably gotten about 100 massages before and this one takes the cake.

 

He was a nice guy, showed up to the hotel on time. Advertisement reads ”trained and experienced” claiming 12 years experience, music, blah blah blah. It was like this guy had never given a massage before. It felt like he was just pinching all over my skin and not even hitting my muscles. He would do these really fast short motions that were completely ineffective and I was just laying there thinking “maybe this is how he just warms up and then starts the massage” as I’ve had a similar technique in the past and it was good. After about 20 minutes of the same he checks in and asks if the pressure was ok and I told him “honestly man I just have no idea what you’re doing... it’s like you’re not doing anything to my muscles at all.” I tried explaining that I wanted long motions, using both hands, arms, whatever he needs to do to get the job done and he started getting offended. I said there’s no way I’m sitting through 90 minutes of this and he’s like ok well I’ll do 60 minutes instead. At this point I’m so bored I pull out my phone and started browsing Instagram. Just laying there on my phone bored and he’s like well hey then why don’t you turn over and I’ll give you a foot massage. I said fine let’s do that and it’s the same damn thing on my feet like he can’t even find the muscles in my feet. After 15 minutes of that he’s like is this OK? I just laughed and was like it’s really not doing anything for me at all, I think we should just accept that it is what it is and both move on and not waste anymore time. So I got up, saw it had been 40 minutes, gave him $40 that he requested and wished him well.

 

I just don’t understand how someone thinks they can get away with lying about their work credentials. It’s very obvious that he had no idea what he was doing, that he wasn’t trained, more than likely NOT certified, and a waste of everyone’s time.

 

If you’re ever in Pittsburgh do NOT see Peter who is profmassage on RM.

[tj_forplay]

My worst was when I initially started booking massages. I booked a local guy for an out call, I think I initially met him on Grindr but saw that he had ads up on a couple sites. He was 30 mins late. Didn't bring any oils or lotions, well empty bottles. He wasn't well groomed, basically looked like he just rolled out of bed & haven't been taking care of his personal appearance. The massage was horrible, ended up using some old Vaseline I had. He was tall, like 6'7 & complained that his back was hurting from doing a bed massage, as if I should have a table. I booked for 1hr, but 15 mins in he went to "finish" me. Then started talking about how he studies astrology & he'll give me a discount on a reading. I accidentally booked him again thinking I was texting someone else, when he showed up the second time with barely any oil, before I got undressed, I gave him gas money & sent him on his way.

[VersOral]

I'd say my most recent 'worst' could have been worse than it was, but still pretty bad. Guy on one of the apps has 'LMT' as part of his name. Every couple months he has a new profile I notice now (would have been a red flag had I seen it before). Anyway, he's near a place I like to hang out in my city, and I figure I can go get a massage then go to my bar. He's kind of cute guy, and after messaging on the app he insists on texting. No prob, I get it. Usually guys like that want to chat without being reported for selling their services on some of the apps that's frowned on.

 

We agree on the time and he only gives me his street address, but not the apartment. That's the first red flag. When I left for his place I let him know I might be about 5 minutes late, which was ok for him. Well, I made good time, and found parking right away and actually made it to his building about a minute earlier than I expected. I message him, and ask what apartment/buzzer and he responds he was still setting up and he'd come out to get me. I was about to leave, 5 minutes or so (10 later than we originally agreed to) when he came out and escorted me in. I don't get what took him so long to set up. The table was in the middle of his studio apartment, and he didn't even have a sheet on it. He ends up putting an old blanket on, at least it was clean.

 

When he starts the massage he gets out a bottle of baby oil. Why? I mean if you are going to claim to be an LMT at least get olive oil (i have a favorite masseur who uses that and it actually felt great but that's another story.) The massage is very mechanical, technique was about a 5-6 on a 10 point scale, so some potential, but clearly NOT an LMT (and his name didn't start with L.) For someone that advertises on the apps, I would also expect it to be a little more sensual.

 

When we were done he offers me a couple paper towels. Now if you've been drenched in baby oil, you'll know a couple paper towels will not do for cleanup. I had to ask to use his washroom to properly sop up the oil. When I got off the table I almost slipped and broke a hip because there was so much oil on my feet.

 

Every few weeks he texts me, obviously I'm on his mass text list. I have him in my address book as 'BadBabyOilMassage' Part of me wants to give him the feedback I'm writing here but I doubt that would do either of us any good in the long run.

[+ poolboy48220]

When we were done he offers me a couple paper towels

That's awesome! "Please, sir, could I have the roll?"

[+ aeikaryoko]

That's awesome! "Please, sir, could I have the roll?"

The quilted quicker picker upper....Bounty!!! ?

[Ajac]

Maybe it wasn't CV that caused a run on paper towels at Costco Maybe this kids business is just booming.

[nycmassageme]

I'm adding my experiences, not because they're particularly terrible, but because I just got to the bottom of this rabbit hole and I need more. So this is an extended bump, if you will.

 

File this one under "Too Clueless to Just Leave":

 

When I first moved to NYC, I went to one of the little massage places that advertised on Craigslist, no clue what it was called. It was basically a first floor apartment way out near 10th or 11th Ave, I think somewhere in the mid-30s, but to be honest, I don't really remember. What I do remember is it was the middle of winter, I went late at night cause it was after work, and the room was freezing! If the heat was on, it was not apparent. The room had a few low massage tables set up (maybe separated by hanging sheets?) and the guy put me on one that was right up against a wall, so he couldn't even walk around the table to massage the other side, he just leaned over and pressed on me. I was draped under a towel which provided the barest refuge from the cold. Massage and HE were meh, and then he wiped me down with a COLD, WET washcloth! ?

 

Slightly weird:

 

While booking an apppointment with a masseur, he asked me if I would be interested in a 4-hand massage at a discounted rate with his boyfriend whom he was training. I declined, since I just wanted an easy, straight-forward massage with HE. During the massage, he brings it up again, because his boyfriend is coming over soon and he has to let him into the apartment; he even shows me a picture of his boyfriend on his phone (which I didn't ask to see). I wasn't particularly into the boyfriend and now I'm starting to get annoyed, so I politely decline and we continue with the massage, which he interrupts to go open the door for the boyfriend and quickly get him settled. Whatever, it's fine . After the massage, as I'm dressing, he says "You should meet him," and I want nothing more than to tell him, "No, I'm not interested, buh-bye!" But my mother raised me to be nice, so I agreed and he introduces me to his much-younger boyfriend, and I awkwardly try to make small talk for a moment, while it is clear that this guy has no absolutely interest in engaging with the man who just got JO'd by his boyfriend. Buh-bye!