"Where Were His Friends?"

[rvwnsd]

Not wanting to hijack the thread about Killian James but wanting to address the question "Where were his friends?" I'm starting a new thread about my own "Where were his friends" experience.

 

I had a very close friend whom we will call "Fred." I met Fred shortly after moving to San Diego. He made decent money, was a very healthy HIV+ man, was a skilled figure skater (on roller skates), and very creative and intelligent. He drank very little and had never even considered trying drugs, including pot. We did everything from grocery shop to travel together and saw each other at least three times a week. On weekends it was unusual that we would not see each other at least once, even if it was just a walk around the neighborhood. When we weren't spending time together he was hanging out with another friend whom we'll call "Dave." Fred and Dave we as close as were Fred and me.

 

In 2004 Fred lost his job as a technical analyst at a tech company. Instead of finding a new job, he decided to pursue a dream and enroll in massage therapy school. However, he had a break between losing his job and enrolling in and starting school and so he had plenty of free time on his hands. He met some new friends, including a guy who "resigned" from a high-profile position under a cloud of controversy involving lost funds and a guy who called himself a massage therapist despite having no clients and no training.

 

I don't remember the context of the conversation, but he mentioned smoking pot and I made a joke about gateway drugs. He became very indignant and emphatically said he would NOT start using crystal meth. No mention of him using crystal meth was made.

 

I suspected he was using meth when he showed up at my 40th birthday party and couldn't sit still, wasn't focusing, and couldn't hold a conversation. This is someone who previously enraptured people he met for the first time. A few days later he was at my place and I asked if he was OK. He became agitated and abruptly left.

 

Fred's behavior took a very bizarre turn a few months later when he started massage therapy school. He came to my place for dinner and brought his massage therapy book to study instead of talking while I made us dinner. He never opened the book, but he also never talked to me. I asked him again if he was OK and needed help, but he became agitated and left. We saw less and less of each other and, I would come to find out, the same happened with Dave. Fred later claimed that we "pushed him away." Fred not returning our phone calls, drifting off and disappearing in the middle of online chat, and not showing up when we made plans would seem to indicate he was pushing Dave and me away, not us pushing him away. Finally, Fred ceased all contact including refusing to open the door when I went to his home and rang the doorbell.

 

Several months later, Fred resurfaced and told me he had been using crystal meth but was now sober. He was on the verge of being kicked out of his apartment and told me that he had been "borrowing" money from his mom who had now given him an ultimatum - move in with her or no more support. He wasn't sure what he would do. He also told me about the people he had met, including the guy who got him started on meth. That "massage therapist" wasn't a massage therapist at all - he was a dealer. Oh, Fred had been sober for two days. He asked me to check in on him to ensure he remained sober. I told him I was always there for him, but was not a drug counselor and urged him to go into rehab. I checked in on him a few days later and he didn't return my phone call. Or the call after that, or the call after that, and so forth.

 

When I next heard from him, a year had passed and he was living with his mother, working at a job he liked, back on his HIV meds, and sober. He had not used meth since leaving San Diego. While he was using meth he stopped taking the meds and crossed over to having full-blown AIDS. We maintained contact and the following July 4th he visited San Diego. Although he was not as vibrant and was significantly thinner than before, he was engaging and fun to be around. A couple of months later he was diagnosed with a rare form of lymphoma that was common among AIDS patients. After a series of up-and-down diagnoses, he was cancer free. Until it came back with a vengeance and became very aggressive. He went from hopeful to hospice within a couple of months and died in January 2012.

 

So, the next time you ask "Where were the friends," the answer might well be "they were right there - it was he who went away."

[+ Just Sayin]

@rvwnsd I am so sorry about your friend Fred; and, if Killian is no longer with us, I am sad for this loss. I think many of us have experienced this situation with friends; once you have left all of the doors open, unless the friend commits to entering one, there is not much one can do; I am thinking about the ending lines of the Mary Oliver poem about only being able to save our own lives.

[bigvalboy]

Not wanting to hijack the thread about Killian James but wanting to address the question "Where were his friends?" I'm starting a new thread about my own "Where were his friends" experience.

 

I had a very close friend whom we will call "Fred." I met Fred shortly after moving to San Diego. He made decent money, was a very healthy HIV+ man, was a skilled figure skater (on roller skates), and very creative and intelligent. He drank very little and had never even considered trying drugs, including pot. We did everything from grocery shop to travel together and saw each other at least three times a week. On weekends it was unusual that we would not see each other at least once, even if it was just a walk around the neighborhood. When we weren't spending time together he was hanging out with another friend whom we'll call "Dave." Fred and Dave we as close as were Fred and me.

 

In 2004 Fred lost his job as a technical analyst at a tech company. Instead of finding a new job, he decided to pursue a dream and enroll in massage therapy school. However, he had a break between losing his job and enrolling in and starting school and so he had plenty of free time on his hands. He met some new friends, including a guy who "resigned" from a high-profile position under a cloud of controversy involving lost funds and a guy who called himself a massage therapist despite having no clients and no training.

 

I don't remember the context of the conversation, but he mentioned smoking pot and I made a joke about gateway drugs. He became very indignant and emphatically said he would NOT start using crystal meth. No mention of him using crystal meth was made.

 

I suspected he was using meth when he showed up at my 40th birthday party and couldn't sit still, wasn't focusing, and couldn't hold a conversation. This is someone who previously enraptured people he met for the first time. A few days later he was at my place and I asked if he was OK. He became agitated and abruptly left.

 

Fred's behavior took a very bizarre turn a few months later when he started massage therapy school. He came to my place for dinner and brought his massage therapy book to study instead of talking while I made us dinner. He never opened the book, but he also never talked to me. I asked him again if he was OK and needed help, but he became agitated and left. We saw less and less of each other and, I would come to find out, the same happened with Dave. Fred later claimed that we "pushed him away." Fred not returning our phone calls, drifting off and disappearing in the middle of online chat, and not showing up when we made plans would seem to indicate he was pushing Dave and me away, not us pushing him away. Finally, Fred ceased all contact including refusing to open the door when I went to his home and rang the doorbell.

 

Several months later, Fred resurfaced and told me he had been using crystal meth but was now sober. He was on the verge of being kicked out of his apartment and told me that he had been "borrowing" money from his mom who had now given him an ultimatum - move in with her or no more support. He wasn't sure what he would do. He also told me about the people he had met, including the guy who got him started on meth. That "massage therapist" wasn't a massage therapist at all - he was a dealer. Oh, Fred had been sober for two days. He asked me to check in on him to ensure he remained sober. I told him I was always there for him, but was not a drug counselor and urged him to go into rehab. I checked in on him a few days later and he didn't return my phone call. Or the call after that, or the call after that, and so forth.

 

When I next heard from him, a year had passed and he was living with his mother, working at a job he liked, back on his HIV meds, and sober. He had not used meth since leaving San Diego. While he was using meth he stopped taking the meds and crossed over to having full-blown AIDS. We maintained contact and the following July 4th he visited San Diego. Although he was not as vibrant and was significantly thinner than before, he was engaging and fun to be around. A couple of months later he was diagnosed with a rare form of lymphoma that was common among AIDS patients. After a series of up-and-down diagnoses, he was cancer free. Until it came back with a vengeance and became very aggressive. He went from hopeful to hospice within a couple of months and died in January 2011.

 

So, the next time you ask "Where were the friends," the answer might well be "they were right there - it was he who went away."

 

Outstanding post, and thank you for addressing that issue with compassion and understanding.

[rvwnsd]

Outstanding post...

Thank you for the compliment, @bigvalboy.

 

...and thank you for addressing that issue with compassion and understanding.

You are welcome.

 

@rvwnsd I am so sorry about your friend Fred;...

Thank you.

[marylander1940]

Let's face it, he wouldn't (because we still don't know) be the first pornstar/escort nor the last to die from an overdose.

 

It's unfortunate but so much potential and beauty sometimes is a curse!

 

It's an easy difficult life.

 

http://www.imaginamas.org/inicio/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/33881_la-dificil-vida-facil-portada-libro-ivan-zaro.jpg

[marylander1940]

Not wanting to hijack the thread about Killian James but wanting to address the question "Where were his friends?" I'm starting a new thread about my own "Where were his friends" experience.

 

I had a very close friend whom we will call "Fred." I met Fred shortly after moving to San Diego. He made decent money, was a very healthy HIV+ man, was a skilled figure skater (on roller skates), and very creative and intelligent. He drank very little and had never even considered trying drugs, including pot. We did everything from grocery shop to travel together and saw each other at least three times a week. On weekends it was unusual that we would not see each other at least once, even if it was just a walk around the neighborhood. When we weren't spending time together he was hanging out with another friend whom we'll call "Dave." Fred and Dave we as close as were Fred and me.

 

In 2004 Fred lost his job as a technical analyst at a tech company. Instead of finding a new job, he decided to pursue a dream and enroll in massage therapy school. However, he had a break between losing his job and enrolling in and starting school and so he had plenty of free time on his hands. He met some new friends, including a guy who "resigned" from a high-profile position under a cloud of controversy involving lost funds and a guy who called himself a massage therapist despite having no clients and no training.

 

I don't remember the context of the conversation, but he mentioned smoking pot and I made a joke about gateway drugs. He became very indignant and emphatically said he would NOT start using crystal meth. No mention of him using crystal meth was made.

 

I suspected he was using meth when he showed up at my 40th birthday party and couldn't sit still, wasn't focusing, and couldn't hold a conversation. This is someone who previously enraptured people he met for the first time. A few days later he was at my place and I asked if he was OK. He became agitated and abruptly left.

 

Fred's behavior took a very bizarre turn a few months later when he started massage therapy school. He came to my place for dinner and brought his massage therapy book to study instead of talking while I made us dinner. He never opened the book, but he also never talked to me. I asked him again if he was OK and needed help, but he became agitated and left. We saw less and less of each other and, I would come to find out, the same happened with Dave. Fred later claimed that we "pushed him away." Fred not returning our phone calls, drifting off and disappearing in the middle of online chat, and not showing up when we made plans would seem to indicate he was pushing Dave and me away, not us pushing him away. Finally, Fred ceased all contact including refusing to open the door when I went to his home and rang the doorbell.

 

Several months later, Fred resurfaced and told me he had been using crystal meth but was now sober. He was on the verge of being kicked out of his apartment and told me that he had been "borrowing" money from his mom who had now given him an ultimatum - move in with her or no more support. He wasn't sure what he would do. He also told me about the people he had met, including the guy who got him started on meth. That "massage therapist" wasn't a massage therapist at all - he was a dealer. Oh, Fred had been sober for two days. He asked me to check in on him to ensure he remained sober. I told him I was always there for him, but was not a drug counselor and urged him to go into rehab. I checked in on him a few days later and he didn't return my phone call. Or the call after that, or the call after that, and so forth.

 

When I next heard from him, a year had passed and he was living with his mother, working at a job he liked, back on his HIV meds, and sober. He had not used meth since leaving San Diego. While he was using meth he stopped taking the meds and crossed over to having full-blown AIDS. We maintained contact and the following July 4th he visited San Diego. Although he was not as vibrant and was significantly thinner than before, he was engaging and fun to be around. A couple of months later he was diagnosed with a rare form of lymphoma that was common among AIDS patients. After a series of up-and-down diagnoses, he was cancer free. Until it came back with a vengeance and became very aggressive. He went from hopeful to hospice within a couple of months and died in January 2012.

 

So, the next time you ask "Where were the friends," the answer might well be "they were right there - it was he who went away."

 

Let's remember how it happened!

 

https://www.companyofmen.org/threads/its-not-good-bye-its-see-you-later.118158/

Post 24 is very hard to watch, do it A.Y.O.C. (at your own choice)

 

Ps: the thread was closed by the Mgt. Many of yinz didn't even give him the benefit of the doubt, it was an honest thread by him and he was "mocked" because of disclosing private things about his life. There were some wishing him good luck other just did it in a sarcastic way.

[jawjateck]

Great post. In some cases, no level of intervention can ameliorate the consequences of self-destruction.

[Mocha]

So, the next time you ask "Where were the friends," the answer might well be "they were right there - it was he who went away."

 

Not referring to the person at hand, but if someone is into the party life, it's likely they're being surrounded by friends who do the same.

 

Where were the friends? Probably busy helping dig their friend's grave...In the young gay life, most friends are out for themselves. Me, me, Miami. The cliques exist because someone is bending over backwards for someone or has some monetary value or drug supply. Guaranteed. 99% of the time. TLC had it right back in the 90s:

 

[+ sync]

Drug addiction is a harsh, heartless, and jealous mistress/master. After witnessing the fall of so many (a few family members, a few friends of the family, and a few coworkers), once the addiction has taken hold, I consider the person a casualty of the war. Helping someone through mental/emotional difficulties is hugely burdensome, but possible. Helping someone through a serious physical accident/illness is also hugely burdensome, but possible. Drug addiction, however, attacks its victims on both fronts making effective treatment with long-term benefits all but impossible. Blessings on those advocates and professionals who dedicate themselves to aiding drug addiction victims. It must be one of the most depressing callings one can have.

[Larstrup]

Let's remember how it happened!

 

https://www.companyofmen.org/threads/its-not-good-bye-its-see-you-later.118158/

Post 24 is very hard to watch, do it A.Y.O.C. (at your own choice)

 

Ps: the thread was closed by the Mgt. Many of yinz didn't even give him the benefit of the doubt, it was an honest thread by him and he was "mocked" because of disclosing private things about his life. There were some wishing him good luck other just did it in a sarcastic way.

 

Don't you understand that this OP's thread is not about Killian James? Why contaminate it with such? The OP had the decency to create his own thread about his own personal experience.

[marylander1940]

Let's remember how it happened!

 

https://www.companyofmen.org/threads/its-not-good-bye-its-see-you-later.118158/

Post 24 is very hard to watch, do it A.Y.O.C. (at your own choice)

 

Ps: the thread was closed by the Mgt. Many of yinz didn't even give him the benefit of the doubt, it was an honest thread by him and he was "mocked" because of disclosing private things about his life. There were some wishing him good luck other just did it in a sarcastic way.

 

Am I the antichrist for posting that?

 

I wasn't trying to move things to that thread, it's closed, I wanted to mention it.

 

It was his goodbye thread, plenty of folks attacked him on that, wanna post about them and shame them?

 

Do it!

 

JFC! Don't you understand that this OP's thread is not about Killian James? Why contaminate it with such? The OP had the decency to create his own thread about his own personal experience.

 

have some decency and get off my back... and stop drinking coffee...

 

 

Slow death by self-immolation, at a suicide prevention charity event, no less:

 

http://str8upgayporn.com/watch-killian-james-has-incoherent-meth-fueled-meltdown-during-suicide-prevention-charity-event/

 

I posted a link to that thread that was closed by the MGT.

 

@BaronArtz posted a link to Killian's meltdown.

 

Good for him, want to go after him too? If i'm the antichrist because of making reference to that thread, I can't imagine @BaronArtz for posting Killians interview.

 

Maybe you should measure folks with the same rule, specially when you judge decency, and please one more time, get off my back... leave me alone.

[Larstrup]

From the OP of this thread: "Not wanting to hijack the thread about Killian James but wanting to address the question "Where were his friends?" I'm starting a new thread about my own "Where were his friends" experience."

Perhaps you should show him the same respect @marylander1940

[rvwnsd]

Not referring to the person at hand, but if someone is into the party life, it's likely they're being surrounded by friends who do the same.

 

Where were the friends? Probably busy helping dig their friend's grave...In the young gay life, most friends are out for themselves. Me, me, Miami. The cliques exist because someone is bending over backwards for someone or has some monetary value or drug supply. Guaranteed. 99% of the time. TLC had it right back in the 90s:

M

You raise a good point. In my late friend's case, once sober he told me that the people he partied with were typically hook ups and acquaintances and not friends. However, this is not the case with everybody. If someone's circle of friends are all drug addicts they are unlikely to encourage them to seek help.

[+ ArVaGuy]

@rvwnsd, I experienced a similar situation with a now former friend who descended into drug addiction. The aftermath destroyed several friendships and changed my perspective on how we deal with addiction in this country.

 

My friend "Doug" worked for a member of the U.S. House of Representatives. He had a critical and high profile job in the office of one of the few Blue Dog Democrats in Congress.

 

He was a high functioning alcoholic and smoked the occasional joint to relieve the stress of working on The Hill. He later became addicted to Crack through "friends" he'd hooked up with for his weed and sex.

 

My experience was similar to yours, the more his real friends tried to help, the harder Doug would push us away. I begged, pleaded, cajoled, and even tried "tough love" exhausting every effort to save my best friend.

 

His office basically covered for him. His boss, a representative from a very conservative state, did not fire him. Instead, Doug was sent to a VERY EXPENSIVE rehabilitation facility out west. To say he had a "Cadillac health plan" working for Congress doesn't even begin to describe it. He was very lucky in that regard.

 

I helped get him packed up for the rehab facility after he went on one last bender the weekend before he was to leave. Everyone was hoping that this would be the end of a long nightmare for Doug, his family, and his friends.

 

After his return there were a couple of relapses and other events that destroyed relationships on many levels. Once Doug was "cured" his shame of being an addict overwhelmed him. I and several close friends had seen him at his worst. There were things I'd witnessed over the four years of this experience that Doug could not tolerate my knowing about.

 

In the end we parted ways in a contentious split that left a lot of collateral damage. Those of his friends who tried the hardest to save him were cast aside. It took a while but I came to terms with this abandonment and we've all moved onward.

 

Doug's congressman got him a job at a prestigious trade association when he decided not to run for reelection. In less than two years Doug was fired under murky circumstances that remain a mystery. I could speculate but only have a hunch and no facts to back them up.

 

My perspective about drug addiction changed after this experience. I'm not going into detail as my sentiments would likely not be well received. Suffice it to say that if a similar circumstance occurred again with any of my friends I would not get involved in any intervention and not expend the effort to rescue someone who doesn't want to be rescued.