Compersion : The Opposite of Jealousy

[+ Lance_Navarro]

Many of you are probably already familiar with this term, though I thought many my not. Compersion is essentially the opposite of jealousy, it's feeling excited and happy that your partner is enjoying themselves, either sexually or romantically with another person. I've personally moved from being a jealous person in my 20's to someone that fully embraces this in my mid 30's. Especially when I'm traveling, I hope that my man will be able to find sometime for a hookup, and most of all, I hope it's GOOD. I approach our relationship in that we are together because we are happy together, if he could be happier with another, I would want that for him. That's love and not control.

 

How do you'll feel? Is compersion something you strive for?

[Bovary]

Many of you are probably already familiar with this term, though I thought many my not. Compersion is essentially the opposite of jealousy, it's feeling excited and happy that your partner is enjoying themselves, either sexually or romantically with another person. I've personally moved from being a jealous person in my 20's to someone that fully embraces this in my mid 30's. Especially when I'm traveling, I hope that my man will be able to find sometime for a hookup, and most of all, I hope it's GOOD. I approach our relationship in that we are together because we are happy together, if he could be happier with another, I would want that for him. That's love and not control.

 

How do you'll feel? Is compersion something you strive for?

Lance, I'm a writer and kind of embarrassed I haven't heard this word before, so thanks or sharing it! I'm really glad you came to this place in your thirties. It took me until my mid-forties to understand that partnership doesn't involve owning another person. I didn't realize that was what I was doing by being jealous and insecure in the past. I was just mirroring the relationships of my peers without taking any kind of look at my own situation--everyone is so traditional (so many fallacies there, of course) around me, maybe I was scared I'd find that my mind worked differently and I just wouldn't fit in. I'm not sure when the change occurred and I discovered "compersion." Maybe after 20 years of being together with the same person...? And discovering that *I* didn't want to be owned anymore than I wanted to control my partner. I love more than anything coming home at night (or when we both can) to each other and turning off the world. But I've discovered in myself this very amazng ability to love and/or desire other people, too, and it's not the disaster I thought it would be, but rather an opening of the eyes and heart.

[+ glennnn]

Can compersion apply to non romantic relationships like friends and family members? If so, I have attained compersion in regards to dear friends and my sisters. I learned to be happy that they were in loving relationships with others that didn't include me, but that also didn't diminish the love they shared with me. I have learned to be happy for their happiness. I think I am now (at age 70+) jealousy free and have been for quite awhile. Thank you for helping me to recognize this progress .

[mike carey]

I hadn't come across the word before either. I don't feel too bad as it's not in the OED or Websters, but from what I've now read elsewhere it seems that it comes from the polyamory community. It would seem to be a necessary characteristic of poly relationships but a desirable one for open or monogamish ones. I can also see that some people might be aware of their partner's sexual or romantic interest in another and be disinterested in it, with neither jealousy not compersion. I haven't been in a position that would test me on the issue.

[LADoug1]

Thanks for the new word. I'm dating a guy who's in an open relationship although they don't talk about it. "Don't ask don't tell". Wish the word applied to them! It would make the experience better for me. And him.

[jjkrkwood]

I wasnt familiar with the term, but YES, I guess we were Compersive in our 22 yr relationship.....

[+ sync]

The term is new to me as well. My concern is the possibility of unlimited compersion downgrading a relationship to a convenience.

[+ Eric Hassan]

The term is new to me as well. My concern is the possibility of unlimited compersion downgrading a relationship to a convenience.

 

If that were to happen, I'd guess the relationship had issues other than a great deal of compersion. I think many people believe that love is like a finite resource; compersion asks us to recognize the infinite love in the world.

[+ Truereview]

My understanding of compersion is that it is more about joy than love. I understood it to be the joy you feel for your partner when he/she finds sexual joy with another. It is not directly about your love for each other. My partner and I practiced compersion and it worked wonderfully for us in our open relationship- it made our relationship stronger. I'm not the jealous or possessive type, but I would have had an issue being joyful if my partner chose to leave me bc he found something that made him more joyful with another. To me, that would have been heartbreaking and would have ruptured our love. To me, compersion builds, not detracts or breaks mutual love.

[jjkrkwood]

My understanding of compersion is that it is more about joy than love. I understood it to be the joy you feel for your partner when he/she finds sexual joy with another. It is not directly about your love for each other. My partner and I practiced compersion and it worked wonderfully for us in our open relationship- it made our relationship stronger. I'm not the jealous or possessive type, but I would have had an issue being joyful if my partner chose to leave me bc he found something that made him more joyful with another. To me, that would have been heartbreaking and would have ruptured our love. To me, compersion builds, not detracts or breaks mutual love.

 

I may have mentioned but MY partner was Also a Size Queen, and a pumper... how he ended up with ME, a modest sized guy was always a mystery, but I stopped questioning it after our first few years together. It ALWAYS gave me the greatest pleasure to watch him (on those occasions that we played together) with a substantially hung guy, and was the biggest turn on to see him and his temporary partner servicing each others huge cocks... watching the "other guy" appreciate MY man's big meat made me so proud. Oh God, I sound like a sicko, but its the truth....

[+ Lance_Navarro]

If that were to happen, I'd guess the relationship had issues other than a great deal of compersion. I think many people believe that love is like a finite resource; compersion asks us to recognize the infinite love in the world.

 

Exactly! I like the "Starvation Economics" comparison made in "The Ethical Slut". We can't look at the love the way we do other resources, in that what one has takes away from what others may have. Those who are in consensually non-monogamous relationships aren't selfish for having multiple partners, in fact, it's the opposite.

[+ Lance_Navarro]

The term is new to me as well. My concern is the possibility of unlimited compersion downgrading a relationship to a convenience.

 

It's a valid concern and that's where trust, communication and boundary-setting comes into play.

[jimboivyo]

while we're on the topic, folks who confuse envy and jealousy make me nuts

[+ Lance_Navarro]

while we're on the topic, folks who confuse envy and jealousy make me nuts

 

Though they aren't synonymous, they both stem from fear, not love.

[mike carey]

I'm not sure either of them can simply be ascribed to fear, Lance. Jealousy can be attributed to a sense of entitlement, maybe fear of losing that. Envy could be more a sign of resentment. Enough 'analysis' for one day!

[+ Lance_Navarro]

I'm not sure either of them can simply be ascribed to fear, Lance. Jealousy can be attributed to a sense of entitlement, maybe fear of losing that. Envy could be more a sign of resentment. Enough 'analysis' for one day!

 

It's perhaps over-simplifying, but I'm basing that on the idea that all emotions stem from 2 core emotions, love or fear. If I had to classify the emotions of envy and jealousy, I would say they both stem from fear, more so than love. Granted, one must feel a component of connection or "love" to someone, in order to experience jealousy, but I still think it's fear that motivates the feeling.

[mike carey]

It's perhaps over-simplifying, but I'm basing that on the idea that all emotions stem from 2 core emotions, love or fear. If I had to classify the emotions of envy and jealousy, I would say they both stem from fear, more so than love. Granted, one must feel a component of connection or "love" to someone, in order to experience jealousy, but I still think it's fear that motivates the feeling.

Lance, you've nailed the balance between the two, I was being too 'precise'. That's why I love you, you bring things to their essentials.

[jjkrkwood]

Here's a Beautiful couple that PLAYS together, albeit in the Bodybuilding arena. Their signature is to wear matching posing trunks in competition... HOT !

 

http://41.media.tumblr.com/84dc252c95f7a3e50b787866fa6b24d5/tumblr_o3s6dhUIdv1udo2r0o1_500.jpg

[LADoug1]

I also think compersion can lead to three-way relationships. I knew of one that worked beautifully.