The downside of an escort's discretion

[Rick Munroe]

My privacy is very important to me. I know that might sound funny, when you realize that I've posted over 4,000 times on this board and a good part of it has been about my life (I'm glad nobody noticed I hit the 4,000 mark; it really is true that we have much more important things to think about this year). But I do value it (that's why I don't show my face in photos, even though I know it would get me much more work), and maybe that's one reason why I respect my clients' privacy as well.

 

But this post isn't about me; it's about one of my clients. He's in his early 30's and closeted. When I met him a few years ago, he was suicidal; during that first hour together, I spent a lot of time giving him a pep talk, trying to show him that being gay isn't the horrible sin he had been taught.

 

I've seen him regularly over the past few years, and I've really enjoyed his company, physically and otherwise. Through my gentle nudging, I got him to go to Identity House, where they referred him to a formerly-closeted therapist. Things seemed to be going better for him, he was on anti-depressants and seemed more and more at ease -- but the last couple of emails I received from him weren't very upbeat.

 

And then...nothing. It's been a while, and I've written a few times just to say "what's up" but he hasn't replied, and I'm a bit concerned. But I don't know his last name or where he works or anything else about him. I have absolutely no way of contacting him except for email, and that is, I guess, the way it must be.

 

But it sucks. Even though this is a business, we also develop relationships (to varying degrees) with our clients, and it's a bit disconcerting to realize that I may never see or hear from someone again, after being so intimate for an extended period of time. I know, maybe he's just away on vacation or something, but it's also true that something terrible may have happened and I'll never know one way or the other (oh jeez, I just channeled my Jewish grandmother :o ).

 

Anyway, I was just airing some thoughts. I don't plan to stop being discreet and I don't plan to try to find out more information about him (as concerned as I am). I guess I was just showing you one aspect of escorting you don't often see.

[Trixie]

Rick, it seems to me that you did everything you could. Yours is a position of compromise... you have a profesional intimacy with people, but you must'nt let it interfere with your personal life... it must be hard to draw the line sometimes.

This man has his own life, and his own decisions to make. I am sure you are not one to make promises to a client that you cannot keep.

It is sad and disturbing, to watch someone disappear, and not know their outcome. But believe me, whether one is an escort, a trick, or whatever else (is there anything else?) it's happened to all of us.

You did your best. Don't forget that he has his own part in his life as well.

 

Trix

 

Oh, and congratulations for hitting 4018! 4000 is nothing, but 4018 is a magic number!

[jack]

Rick, now you know. Now you know the discipline and effort, in my case, at least, that it takes to not "fall in love" with my escorts. Just like you, I usually have extended periods of engagement, a year or more is not unusal. People like me and I like them -- we each have infinite souls.

 

Take Billy whom I've mentioned several times before, or Jeremy, or ..... Billy was soft, gentle, tall, slendor, I used to almost hyperventilate when I touched himmmm, whom I gave a sliver picture frame and lined leather gloves at Christman (he was a pianist in NY and it was a cold windy winter) who suddenly left for Greece, though he was pure blonde and blue eyed. I hurt for him. "You do me, I'll do you" so sharing. And, with Jeremy whom I got connected with the International Deep Diving Association he was interested in and we talked the stock market (I am not a broker), IRA's for him to start for himself to have something later. He's gone out of my life forever. It really does hurt. But my life has been enriched with my no-name no-address not-forever wonderful people.

 

You're a good person, Rick. We've talked about a lot of things, now this we totaly agree on. Your having put him in contact with that ID association was super, the most you could do, it gave him a place to go, an answer, you probably saved his life; he was lucky to know you. We can't fall in love with each other, I guess, but the experience has the heart beat of life itself. Me, your flurishing closet case. Trust me. ;-)

[BgMstr4u]

Rick, you are a delightful correspondent here. I am so grateful for your sharing and ideas and light-hearted fun, so much of it enlivened with the irony of self-awareness. At the risk of scorn and disapproval from some here -- not from you, I am sure, as you know already all of what I am going to say -- I offer some of the dark side of my experiences with escorting as possible reasons why your client has not been in touch.

 

Hiring escorts is certainly a way to have fun, and a way to have sexual experiences with guys many of us would never meet, let alone hook up with. But it comes with some downsides, too, and I wonder if your client hasn't run into some of those. Here are some that I have encountered personally, either myself or in the lives of close friends.

 

It is illegal to pay for sex. Many people's personal lives and careers can still be ruined just by coming out, let alone by being "outed" in this activity. All of us here would like that not to be the case, and progress has been made, but it remains true.

 

Hiring an escort can be dangerous. Thank god for this site and the guidance it gives, but it remains true that many "escorts" out there are not honest, take drugs, can become physically or emotionally violent, and can (and sometimes do) use the fact of paid intimacy for blackmail. At the very least some lie to get the client in a compromising position and extract the cash with an implication of threat, and the client is happy just to see them leave. In most circles, even within the gay community, a person hurt in this way is shunned, and again careers and relationships destroyed. You are not one of those escorts who will take advantage of clients, but perhaps he crossed his own internal threshhold of anxiety and stepped back.

 

This kind of fun is expensive -- anywhere from $150 to $300 an hour now. If your escort is skilled, honest, fun, truly sexy, etc., it can be money well spent. But how many tales are there on this site of times that weren't, and how many more that aren't posted out of fear, self-loathing, and shame? In our culture money and self-esteem are very, very closely connected. Seeing an escort frequently can really break the bank unless the bank is big! Perhaps your client has decided he can't afford you anymore, and is embarrassed to admit how close to the edge financially your service brought him.

 

For many one aftermath of even -- perhaps especially! -- a successful encounter with an escort can be shame and self-loathing. Why can't I find someone who will like me, who is as much fun with me, for myself and not for my money? And when friends find out that one has paid for sex -- at least in my experience -- I am dropped to the bottom of their esteem in the great life game of snakes and ladders. So secrecy, hiding, guilt, fear of discovery, that barrier erected between friends when the truth cannot be told. The answer is counseling, of course, and part of successful therapy is to change the presenting behavior. Perhaps this is what he has done, with your help and encouragement -- and good for you for helping him!

 

And if one does change? Does one want to contact the escort again? Maybe, maybe not, but the exchange was professional, and while one might like one's personal interchange with one's plumber or doctor in addition to the professional service rendered and stay in touch even though the service is no longer required, in the case of escorts it is precisely the personal interchange that is the service. This is the nub of the moral problem of prostitution, religious based or not -- that it turns a personal relationship into a financial transaction, and when the transaction is over, so is the relationship. If the relationship does continue, it means that the person has successfully disengaged sex from relationship, and that too can be problematic.

 

Rare is the person who can derive real, lasting pleasure from a paid encounter, and rarer still is the one who can continue to value a relationship with a person who cared about him because he was paid.

 

I hope your friend is alive, well, and not in some sort of trouble. But if he has chosen to break off contact with you, you, being a person who knows all of the above, and are an honest, compassionate and caring man who has chosen this business, will understand.

[skins1]

bgmstr4u,

 

a very well crafted answer. i have thought those same things you have written above. very well written.

[+ Oliver]

Not Just Ecsort/Client relationships

 

Rick, it isn’t just an escort/client thing that you speak of. It can be any relationship that develops on a “semi-anonymous” basis. Back in March I received an e-mail message from a man in Washington state after I had taken the plunge and posted my first long message about my “gay” history. He wrote because our stories were similar and he was in the throes of what to do (or not do). It was the beginning of a correspondence that has continued and flourished. We have exchanged details of our lives, feelings, pictures (so we can put a face to whom we’re talking), real first names, actual cities of residence, and advice (for whatever that is worth between two “novices”). It has enhanced my life and I believe his, too.

 

In any case, while I was out of the country for a while in May, I wasn’t able to answer a couple of his messages. When I finally could, he wrote:

“Well actually, I'm glad you didn't die. After two weeks I was wondering if I shouldn't start combing the obituaries of the [your] daily paper. It is funny about Internet friends. If one should suddenly die, no one would ever know what happened.”

So true! If the correspondence ends at some time, I would hope that I would know what has happened to him. If I have the opportunity to visit his part of the country I WILL attempt to meet him. I have been most fortunate to meet several men who post here, and the experiences have all been rewarding.

 

This not to say that something terrible has happened to your “friend”. Let’s hope that it is more likely that you have not heard because of any one of a myriad of reasons, some of which have been iterated so well by BgMstr4u. Meanwhile, I agree, “… it sucks.”

 

Oliver

[trilingual]

The situation Rick describes doesn't only happen in the escorting context. Many times, it turns out, we have close friends in the gay world about whom we know very little in terms of their families and other social networks. Over the years, several such friends who lived in other cities died. Because they weren't constant correspondents, it wasn't strange not to hear from them for an extended period of time. Eventually, though, I would begin worrying when unusually long periods of time went by without any word and I started trying to reach them. When their home phones never answered, or were disconnected, you can imagine that I feared the worst. In some cases, I knew their work phones, and only by calling their offices did I learn that they had died, in a number of cases months before. In a few cases, a friend or work colleague found my name in an address book or rolodex or e-mail list and sent the sad news. But it was usually months afterwards, which in some ways made it harder because there was no chance to visit them when they were sick or attend their funerals, or mourn them with their other friends.

 

Moral: Keep an address book, and let at least a couple of close friends know where it is and ask them to notify the people you know in case anything happens to you.

[Guest zipperzone]

>And then...nothing. It's been a while, and I've written a few

>times just to say "what's up" but he hasn't replied, and I'm a

>bit concerned. But I don't know his last name or where he

>works or anything else about him. I have absolutely no way of

>contacting him except for email, and that is, I guess, the way

>it must be.

 

It's a rather similar story to one that I encountered recently, but in reverse. An escort I had been seeing for over 5 years (always at his place) on a fairly regular basis - once or twice a month - just up and disappeared. When I went to phone him to sechudle our next session...... "The number you are calling is no longer in service"

 

I knew he had had his dark periods, could be very melencholy (it never affected our sessions however which I believe he enjoyed as much as I did. But after over 100 sessions, to draw a blank and have no news is somewhat disconcerting.

 

As I know where he lives, I could go and knock on his door, but am reluctant to do this in case it could compromise his privacy, in case he has left the business due to taking on a new lover or whatever. I do fear however that a more sinister explanation may be the case. What would you do in this situation?

[jack]

zip, you said it. That's the way it happens. Without warning. Instantly, an association is lost -- the phone doesn't work --whatever, I've learned when it happens, it happens. There is nothing you can do about it. It hurts. Its perplexing. I'm not surprised anymore. Though, I've never gotton really used to it: I still care about him, them, wonder, hope for their safety, good luck, good health, miss their companionship trying to remember its was paid for so I guess I shouldn't exspect anything more after he walks out the door. ;(

[Rick Munroe]

>Rick, you are a delightful correspondent here. I am so

>grateful for your sharing and ideas and light-hearted fun, so

>much of it enlivened with the irony of self-awareness.

 

Thank you; some of my posts seem to go unanswered so it's always nice to get some feedback like that. And I must return the compliment and thank you for your, as skins1 said, well-crafted answer.

 

>At the

>risk of scorn and disapproval from some here

 

As I just wrote in Will's "On the Way to the Forum" thread, let's just ignore the scorn and disapproval. Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke, or an honest, heartfelt statement.

[Rick Munroe]

Thanks, guys, for all the replies (hey, look, I wrote a poem!). I guess it is just a phenomenon of the internet age, and not necessarily of escorting (damn, why don't we have a "wistful" smiley?).

[Will]

Now THIS is what I regard as an absolutely first-rate, top-class thread for the M4M Message Center: It's about escorts and clients; it's about being a gay adult; it's about the hazards of affection; and it's about the tension between secrecy and privacy, which to me are two different things.

 

Naturally, I wouldn't wish this situation on either Rick or his client. However, things like this probably happen more times than any of us can imagine. How much better it is to have a place where at least one party can air his predicament and receive support from others. And who knows? Maybe Rick's client will read this thread and discover that having a *professional* relationship with someone doesn't mean that it's *impersonal.*

 

Finally, Rick's generosity also allows us to see two realities that might otherwise escape us. First, we learn that Rick is a sensitive and caring man, a rarity in itself and perhaps a surprise (though not to me) for someone who seems to cultivate the persona of a flippant smart-aleck. Second, we can also learn that escorts encounter lots and lots of very wounded men; those who occasionally feel like Rick's client can easily put themselves in his shoes.

 

Thanks, Rick, for all you do for this board and for your clients -- past, present, and to cum!

[tedbear]

I agree that this is a great thread. Let's all use it to remind ourselves that if we've been seeing the same clients/escorts for a time, it's more than simple courtesy to let the friends we've made in our dates know how our circumstances change.

 

I know I would really worry and feel a loss if some of the escorts I've seen repeatedly suddenly disappeared. For instance, ads for Chicago's Zsolt suddenly stopped appearing in Gay Chicago and there were no new reviews on this site. He had told me his plans to return to Europe for the summer, then relocate to Toronto. I would have wondered what happened if he hadn't given me a heads up.

 

For us clients, it's a bit easier since the Message Board can often help us find the status of escorts, but, as Rick says, the basic discretion escorts must use makes it impossible to use this tool to find missing clients.

[chrismac]

To all,

 

Very good comments. I've really enjoyed reading this. It's my 40th birthday today, and after a weekend of two surprise parties (what kind of a dumb-ass am I?), it's a solemn, yet comforting communique to read about other human feelings in a world that seems always to be going more toward the cynical and rapacious.

 

What is it that Margaret Mead so famously said?, "One of the oldest human needs is having someone to wonder where you are when you don't come home at night."

 

Rick, the comments BgMstr4U wrote are so true. And yet, you played an important role in this person's life. Consider your worry the price you pays as a decent, caring human being regardless of what you do to earn a living. I believe everyone pays that price at some point in their lives, but the longer it's put off, the higher the interest.

[1sf]

Yes, a well crafted answer.

 

I am so impressed, Rick, how great a MENSCH your dilemma reveals you to be.

[Barry]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/13/13_10_8.gif

 

You're such a youngin.

 

 

Barry

[Will]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

 

Guess what? Life really does begin at 40. I wouldn't be able to describe the improvements in my life that began precisely on my 40th birthday, but I'd never have imagined that each succeeding decade would bring more benefits than losses, but it has. Next spring I'll turn 65 and am very curious to know what, if anything, that's going to mean. I confess that 60 was really, really difficult. However, a Certain Escort who often posts here (hint: his initials are RM) helped me wake up and get in touch not only with my needs, but with the ways to meet them. Although I've turned onto the final third of the race called life, I'm feeling infinitely more alive than I did thirty years ago. I hope you'll be able to say the same thing in twenty-five more years.

 

Many happy returns!

[nate_sf]

>And if one does change? Does one want to contact the escort

>again? Maybe, maybe not, but the exchange was professional,

>and while one might like one's personal interchange with one's

>plumber or doctor in addition to the professional service

>rendered and stay in touch even though the service is no

>longer required, in the case of escorts it is precisely the

>personal interchange that is the service.

 

This is a difficult aspect of escorting, and I think it's not unlike what therapists probably have to go through when a client they may enjoy seeing professionally ends treatment. Once the professional relationship ends, that's it, no matter how abrupt the end or how much you may like to be involved with that person socially. Zipped lips, end of story, that's the rules.

 

This has happened to me a couple of times with regular clients, and I agree it's hard, even when you know where they've gone. One sent me an e-mail one day and said he had a new boyfriend and couldn't meet or correspond any more. I totally understand and support this, but it's still sad because it's someone who I liked seeing and cared for, and then without warning it's over and done with. It's easy enough to accept this intellectually but still is disappointing. Another guy I used to see regularly, and then one day we met for lunch "off the clock," and I never heard from him again. At one point I sent an e-mail to check in and it bounced back, saying that I was on his e-mail blocked list.

 

It's tricky business when ethically you're not supposed to cross the line between professional and social conduct, especially in a capacity where you're being paid to be sociable. Confusing for everybody involved, so I can some guys only see an escort a few times and then move onto another, or why it's so common for escorts to drop in and out of the profession like so many do.

[nate_sf]

>And if one does change? Does one want to contact the escort

>again? Maybe, maybe not, but the exchange was professional,

>and while one might like one's personal interchange with one's

>plumber or doctor in addition to the professional service

>rendered and stay in touch even though the service is no

>longer required, in the case of escorts it is precisely the

>personal interchange that is the service.

 

This is a difficult aspect of escorting, and I think it's not unlike what therapists probably have to go through when a client they may enjoy seeing professionally ends treatment. Once the professional relationship ends, that's it, no matter how abrupt the end or how much you may like to be involved with that person socially. Zipped lips, end of story, that's the rules.

 

This has happened to me a couple of times with regular clients, and I agree it's hard, even when you know where they've gone. One sent me an e-mail one day and said he had a new boyfriend and couldn't meet or correspond any more. I totally understand and support this, but it's still sad because it's someone who I liked seeing and cared for, and then without warning it's over and done with. It's easy enough to accept this intellectually but still is disappointing. Another guy I used to see regularly, and then one day we met for lunch "off the clock," and I never heard from him again. At one point I sent an e-mail to check in and it bounced back, saying that I was on his e-mail blocked list.

 

It's tricky business when ethically you're not supposed to cross the line between professional and social conduct, especially in a capacity where you're being paid to be sociable. Confusing for everybody involved, so I can some guys only see an escort a few times and then move onto another, or why it's so common for escorts to drop in and out of the profession like so many do.

[Rick Munroe]

>I am so impressed, Rick, how great a MENSCH your dilemma

>reveals you to be.

 

It's times like this that I wish my mother really did read this site (she'd kvell). Thanks.

[Rick Munroe]

>I am so impressed, Rick, how great a MENSCH your dilemma

>reveals you to be.

 

It's times like this that I wish my mother really did read this site (she'd kvell). Thanks.

[Rick Munroe]

>Another guy I used to see regularly, and then

>one day we met for lunch "off the clock," and I never heard

>from him again.

 

Something slightly similar (nice alliteration, huh?) happened to me. I had a regular that I loved to see because he had a nice cock, he lived in a famous apartment building, and he really appreciated my oral skills. He had me over there quite often, and then the last time, after we were "done," he asked if I wanted to stay for dinner. I accepted the invitation, and we watched TV while we ate a great meal that his housekeeper had prepared. I never heard from him again, and I've wondered if it was because we'd crossed the line to friendly familiarity (our sessions had usually been pretty much of the "whammer" variety, as it has been defined on this board in the past). I knew it couldn't have been my dinner etiquette, because my mama raised me well, I always eat with my mouth closed, and I even did the dishes when we were done (oh, maybe that was it...I was too domestic?). :o

[Rick Munroe]

>Another guy I used to see regularly, and then

>one day we met for lunch "off the clock," and I never heard

>from him again.

 

Something slightly similar (nice alliteration, huh?) happened to me. I had a regular that I loved to see because he had a nice cock, he lived in a famous apartment building, and he really appreciated my oral skills. He had me over there quite often, and then the last time, after we were "done," he asked if I wanted to stay for dinner. I accepted the invitation, and we watched TV while we ate a great meal that his housekeeper had prepared. I never heard from him again, and I've wondered if it was because we'd crossed the line to friendly familiarity (our sessions had usually been pretty much of the "whammer" variety, as it has been defined on this board in the past). I knew it couldn't have been my dinner etiquette, because my mama raised me well, I always eat with my mouth closed, and I even did the dishes when we were done (oh, maybe that was it...I was too domestic?). :o

[Rick Munroe]

>we learn that Rick is

>a sensitive and caring man, a rarity in itself and perhaps a

>surprise (though not to me) for someone who seems to cultivate

>the persona of a flippant smart-aleck.

 

Hey, it's not just a marketing ploy; I really am a smart-aleck. Someday I'll have to show you my grade-school report cards. Great grades, but the comments were always something like, "He needs to watch his smart mouth."

 

>Thanks, Rick, for all you do for this board and for your

>clients -- past, present, and to cum!

 

Thanks for the thanks, Will, and thanks for all that you do here, too. For all you do, this post's for you (sorry, it's 5 AM and all I can manage is a lame beer commercial parody, but just know that there is real feeling buried in there, OK?).

[Rick Munroe]

>we learn that Rick is

>a sensitive and caring man, a rarity in itself and perhaps a

>surprise (though not to me) for someone who seems to cultivate

>the persona of a flippant smart-aleck.

 

Hey, it's not just a marketing ploy; I really am a smart-aleck. Someday I'll have to show you my grade-school report cards. Great grades, but the comments were always something like, "He needs to watch his smart mouth."

 

>Thanks, Rick, for all you do for this board and for your

>clients -- past, present, and to cum!

 

Thanks for the thanks, Will, and thanks for all that you do here, too. For all you do, this post's for you (sorry, it's 5 AM and all I can manage is a lame beer commercial parody, but just know that there is real feeling buried in there, OK?).