Dodging the Bullet

[+ glennnn]

During the late 70s and early 80s, I was employed in the airline industry in a ground capacity that brought me into daily contact with flight crews. I was very much closeted, married and raising a family. So very many of the young male flight attendants were openly gay, as well as some of the pilots, co-pilots, navigators, etc. They were a very sexy, glamorous and good-looking group who, apparently, fucked anything in, or should I say out, of pants. I couldn't help myself. I flirted, I camped it up, and once or twice fondled some members of this very seductive group of "cheerleaders of the sky" , but it never went any further. I had plenty of offers, but, out of deference to my family and fear of job loss (I was in a quasi supervisory position) my lust never went any further, but I tended to wear loose pants every day. God, I was SO tempted on my frequent over night flights around the system. No one was using protection of course. What could happen? Gay sex doesn't lead to pregnancy and it was all in good fun, right? This went on for years.

 

By the time I changed jobs and industries, the AIDS epidemic was in full flood. So many of my gay friends were heartbreakingly gone or suffering horribly; it was one of the major reasons I changed careers. I couldn't take it, and I was haunted by the idea that I, and my wife, could have also been statistics of this plague if I had given in to my desire.

 

So, I dodged a bullet, not because I was better, but because I was timid. I often think that the last 30 years have been borrowed time, and wonder why I got them and so many others didn't. I feel lucky and guilty.

[Rudynate]

 

 

So, I dodged a bullet, not because I was better, but because I was timid. I often think that the last 30 years have been borrowed time, and wonder why I got them and so many others didn't. I feel lucky and guilty.

 

You have a classic case of survivors' guilt. Some mental health professionals make the sweeping statement that any gay man who survived the epidemic, by definition, is suffering from PTSD. It was certainly a scary time, but I don't know whether I would go that far. I do know that when I think of all those young men who had to face death at such young ages, I still get overwhelmed.

 

Your situation is what it is. There's no reason to feel guilty about it. You can grieve for the people you lost without thinking that you belong there or deserve to be there with them. I don't - I got lucky and I'm grateful for it, every day.

[+ glennnn]

You have a classic case of survivors' guilt. Some mental health professionals make the sweeping statement that any gay man who survived the epidemic, by definition, is suffering from PTSD. It was certainly a scary time, but I don't know whether I would go that far. I do know that when I think of all those young men who had to face death at such young ages, I still get overwhelmed.

 

Your situation is what it is. There's no reason to feel guilty about it. You can grieve for the people you lost without thinking that you belong there or deserve to be there with them. I don't - I got lucky and I'm grateful for it, every day.

 

 

Thanks Rudynate. I get the feeling that you are closer to my age than many of our other brothers who participate in this forum. Sometimes, the sweep of events in gay history from 1950 to now is a crazy dream. Like you said, we can grieve and remember them.

[rvwnsd]

I agree with Rudynate- appreciate the fact that you survived and honor them by not feeling guilty.

[Diverdan]

No reason to feel guilty. I too lost many close friends in the epidemic... it was very difficult to go to funerals of friends who were married and had children, and it was obvious that the wife had no idea of his other activities. I stopped seeing a bf when other friends told me that they had seen him in a bath house partaking of unprotected sex. He was a terrific bottom, by the way, but we had a serious conversation and I told him that if he continued in this way, I would stop seeing him. He did and I did. He may have changed his behavior eventually, as he was married and had three children, but he is still living and I know where he lives. I am tempted to look him up for a cup of coffee, but have not done so yet. If you would feel better, you could volunteer in a variety of places that help guys who continue to get HIV. I recently had an employee who has HIV, and he came to me for some advise, which I was glad to give him, not as a supervisor, but as a friend. He is so grateful, because my advise helped him to get over his fears and get help and be helpful to others.

[Rudynate]

Thanks Rudynate. I get the feeling that you are closer to my age than many of our other brothers who participate in this forum. Sometimes, the sweep of events in gay history from 1950 to now is a crazy dream. Like you said, we can grieve and remember them.

 

 

I'm 63 yo.

[Rudynate]

No reason to feel guilty. I too lost many close friends in the epidemic... it was very difficult to go to funerals of friends who were married and had children, and it was obvious that the wife had no idea of his other activities. I stopped seeing a bf when other friends told me that they had seen him in a bath house partaking of unprotected sex. He was a terrific bottom, by the way, but we had a serious conversation and I told him that if he continued in this way, I would stop seeing him. He did and I did. He may have changed his behavior eventually, as he was married and had three children, but he is still living and I know where he lives. I am tempted to look him up for a cup of coffee, but have not done so yet. If you would feel better, you could volunteer in a variety of places that help guys who continue to get HIV. I recently had an employee who has HIV, and he came to me for some advise, which I was glad to give him, not as a supervisor, but as a friend. He is so grateful, because my advise helped him to get over his fears and get help and be helpful to others.

 

 

I knew a couple, an older man and a younger guy who was married to a woman. The younger guy was closeted. The old guy was semi-famous. He was an economist and had been involved in restructuring the economy of a European country after a period of runaway inflation in the post-war years. The younger guy ended up getting AIDS and dying - his wife never knew the truth.

[Rudynate]

You have a classic case of survivors' guilt. Some mental health professionals make the sweeping statement that any gay man who survived the epidemic, by definition, is suffering from PTSD. It was certainly a scary time, but I don't know whether I would go that far. I do know that when I think of all those young men who had to face death at such young ages, I still get overwhelmed.

 

Your situation is what it is. There's no reason to feel guilty about it. You can grieve for the people you lost without thinking that you belong there or deserve to be there with them. I don't - I got lucky and I'm grateful for it, every day.

 

 

There was a time when society-at-large thought we should feel survivor's guilt. After all, people got AIDS by doing things they weren't supposed to be doing. And since survivors had been doing those same things, they thought we damn well belonged there with our brothers who had died. And for a while, we cooperated and felt survivor's guilt. But that was a long time ago, a lot of healing has taken place, and we've all realized that we're much more powerful people than we thought we were back then.

[marylander1940]

I also survive by a miracle, maybe it was the fact that I had monogamous relationship from the late 70's till mid 80's when it became clear the only way to stay safe was using a condom.

I've lost so many friends...

[+ WhamIAm]

So, I dodged a bullet, not because I was better, but because I was timid.

 

I came of age on the cusp of the plague. Part of me used to wonder whether the one thing that benefited me growing up Catholic was that I was mind-fucked enough that I stayed fairly chaste early on.

 

glennnn, I felt the same way in the past. I eventually came to terms with the fact that my friends who fell victim would be highly pissed off if they found me holding onto guilt. Now when I think of them (and I often do), I remember how much I loved them and I smile.

[gallahadesquire]

I remember when the medical world was still trying to figure out AIDS. HIV hadn't been invented (yet). I was near-celibate, mostly by lack of opportunity rather than for lack of lust. And I'm luckier for it, I guess.

But I remember the senseless lives lost. Quite a few great friends. Many acquaintances.

[+ WilliamM]

You have a classic case of survivors' guilt. Some mental health professionals make the sweeping statement that any gay man who survived the epidemic, by definition, is suffering from PTSD.

 

One of my closest friends has PTSD from spending too much time at war. Another friend spent even more time in Vietnam in infantry, and does not have PTSD. I have very little survivor's guilt about living through the plague. Mental health professionals make sweeping statements occasionally to make a point. If you called them on it, my guess is they would admit people process things in different ways, inclusing Vietnam and HIV/AIDS.

[+ glennnn]

Thank you for your thoughts. It is ironic that I denied myself sexual gratification, and therefore survived to see the irony. When I say I suffer from some guilt, it is not an overwhelming emotion, just a background vibration in my life. I feel a need to discuss the years of gay history that I experienced to put the current situation vis a vis homosexuality in to perspective from my limited POV. I would love to hear from the rest of you.

 

"Time keeps rushing on. And maybe what's good gets a little bit better, and maybe what's bad gets gone."

[+ glennnn]

I came of age on the cusp of the plague. Part of me used to wonder whether the one thing that benefited me growing up Catholic was that I was mind-fucked enough that I stayed fairly chaste early on.

 

glennnn, I felt the same way in the past. I eventually came to terms with the fact that my friends who fell victim would be highly pissed off if they found me holding onto guilt. Now when I think of them (and I often do), I remember how much I loved them and I smile.

 

Amen, brother.