Corporate-Speak

[Guest Starbuck]

Anybody else find “corporate-speak” kind of … hard to listen to? (When Mitt Romney let us all know that corporations are people, my first thought was, Well, they sure don’t talk like ’em.)

 

I mean, I get it … I understand that right-sizing sounds a helluva lot more positive than “we laid off a bunch of people,” but some of the lingo just sounds so contrived and silly to non-corporate humans.

 

As an example, I recently took a trip to Hawaii with friends; there were four of us—two of us retired, and two still laboring in corporate hell for whom the trip was a chance to … well … offload stress. Just imagine the eye contact between the happy retirees when the other two got into a business conversation and words like decisioning were used.

 

I thought about this today when I read how Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reacted to a New York Times story that described his company as having a cruel and back-stabbing environment. Bezos wrote a memo to his staff saying …

 

The article doesn't describe the Amazon I know or the caring Amazonians I work with every day. But if you know of any stories like those reported, I want you to escalate to HR.

 

I’m just guessing, but I don’t think that necessarily means that Amazon’s Human Resources department is upstairs or that you need to use an escalator to get there.

[AdamSmith]

It's all too horrible.

 

For years I was #2 in a 12-person company. From time to time Big Boss and I had to go consult into IBM or EDS or Arthur Andersen or suchlike. On the trip back we could not stop burlesquing the corporate double-speak heard on the job. Each firm had its own style. E.g., IBM's feelgood trade name in the 1990s for its most ultra-secure, hacker-proof, paranoid-world system: Trusted Computing Base. And so on.

 

The Ridiculous Business Jargon Dictionary

http://www.theofficelife.com/business-jargon-dictionary-A.html

[Lookin]

Ha! It's awful stuff, that's for sure.

 

My initial exposure to it was writing my first memo in a Fortune 500 company many moons ago. There wasn't a guidebook or anything and it was only after my boss kept returning it that I learned there was no place for personal pronouns. Everything was third person, even the memo itself. The only approved opening line was "This is to recommend . . ." Bezos gets away with "I" and "you" because he's the Big Boss.

 

The absolute worst jargonists are consultants, or companies touched by them. It was all I could bear to read something from one of my last company's consulting engineers. They would go on for page after page without saying anything concrete. And I finally figured out that was the whole point of the document. If they actually promised something in plain English, they could be held to it. Which, believe me, was not in their best interests.

 

My least favorites, to this day, are "optimize", "deliverables" and "best practices". There's not anything to grab onto anywhere and it always amazed me that customers were willing to pay good money for the chance to try.

 

http://breakthescales.com/files/2014/02/brass_ring.jpg

 

Although not as complete a compendium as AdamSmith's, this Forbes article highlights some of the worst business jargon in use today. If I missed anything, please feel empowered to reach out. http://www.boytoy.com/forums/public/style_emoticons/default/rolleyes.gif

[+ WmClarke]

My least favorites, to this day, are "optimize", "deliverables" and "best practices".

The one I hate is "doable".

[AdamSmith]

The one I hate is "doable".

 

Should only be applied to a target of erotic interest!

[+ WmClarke]

Should only be applied to a target of erotic interest!

Agreed!

[AdamSmith]

Another blight along these lines are corporate slogans -- identity, motivational, Wisdom of the CEO, etc.

 

Like: Shortly after Dick Brown became CEO of EDS (to be fair he did a lot to improve the place before he ultimately got kicked out in turn), I had occasion to visit its Dallas (Plano) headquarters where, plastered around the reception lobby and public meeting rooms, were signs bearing slogans attributed to Brown but, I fervently hoped, actually scripted by earnest PR flacks. Their banality was numbing. The only one I now recall proclaimed:

 

Information and insight fuel action.

-- Dick Brown

 

Well, that explains a lot.

[+ WmClarke]

Another blight along these lines are corporate slogans -- identity, motivational, Wisdom of the CEO, etc.

 

Like: Shortly after Dick Brown became CEO of EDS (to be fair he did a lot to improve the place before he ultimately got kicked out in turn), I had occasion to visit its Dallas (Plano) headquarters where, plastered around the reception lobby and public meeting rooms, were signs bearing slogans attributed to Brown but, I fervently hoped, actually scripted by earnest PR flacks. Their banality was numbing. The only one I now recall proclaimed:

 

Information and insight fuel action.

-- Dick Brown

 

Well, that explains a lot.

That's why despair.com is so wonderful.

No industry has inflicted more suffering than the Motivational Industry.

 

Motivational books, speakers and posters have made billions of dollars selling shortcuts to success and tools for unleashing our unlimited potential. At Despair, we know such products only raise hopes to dash them.

 

That’s why our products go straight to the dashing! Enjoy!

[N13]

Years ago at one company that was laying off [why have they changed it to down-sizing?] a lot of people, I took over the Personnel Department [wtf is Human Resources and why was it necessary to change the nomenclature?] I totally agree with Lookin that they are trying to avoid accountability by obscuring everything.

 

I often think that I am glad that I am my age - somewhere between 70 and death!. The bullsh-- that has taken over everything and the focusing on selfies and texting is making the joy of personal dialogue between cultured adults an art of the past! I don't think I want to be around for where all of this is leading!

[AdamSmith]

[why have they changed it to down-sizing?]

 

Newspeak!

 

The aim of Newspeak is to remove all shades of meaning from language, leaving simple concepts (pleasure and pain, happiness and sadness, goodthink and crimethink) that reinforce the total dominance of the State. Newspeak root words serve as both nouns and verbs, further reducing the total number of words; for example, "think" is both a noun and verb, so the word thought is not required and can be abolished. The party also intends that Newspeak be spoken in staccato rhythms with syllables that are easy to pronounce. This will make speech more automatic and unconscious and reduce the likelihood of thought. -- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Newspeak

 

Of course for "state," today read "corporation." One of many respects in which Brave New World turned out more prescient than 1984.

[+ sync]

The peeve for me was at the launch of every new project: "pull the trigger."

[Guest Starbuck]

The one I hate is "doable".

 

Well that was an eye-opener. I hadn't even thought of "doable" as an example of corporate-speak and now -- yikes! -- you've made me realize that words from that lexicon have crept into my vocabulary...

 

...although, lately, I mostly use "doable" to explain when something isn't. That's because my 95-year-old mother, who has more lives than a cat, is living in my house, refuses to accept her very real limitations and is slowly driving me out of my mind. If I can't convince her soon that some things just aren't "doable" anymore, I may have to outsource her.

[+ honcho]

I mostly use "doable" to explain when something isn't. That's because my 95-year-old mother, who has more lives than a cat, is living in my house, refuses to accept her very real limitations and is slowly driving me out of my mind.

 

My own 88 year-old-mother is hip-deep in dementia and in total denial about it ("everything is just fine").

My heart goes out to you; I'm certainly not going to use the "Like" button for the situation, but you have

my complete and total empathy and condolences.

[+ azdr0710]

"incentivize" has always bugged me most.....and, DAMN IT, it just now passed my spell-check....FUCK THEM!

 

on a related topic, here are the latest Banished Words, that legendary list from Lake Superior State University....check the links for lists going back to the 1970s....hours of fun

 

http://www.lssu.edu/banished/

 

"price point" has bugged me, too....is this any different from "price"?....very obviously a way to hide the fact that something is too expensive or a way to distance somebody from blame

[+ deej]

A friend used to publish a quarterly newsletter for her friends and family (largely populated by their submissions).

 

The ENTIRE purpose (family news aside) was to lampoon corporate-speak. It made news about the dog piddling on the carpet more fun to read. She was "the company", always referred to in the third person. Her latest diet would be referred to as corporate restructuring, etc.

 

It was always a scream to read. She always said any time she struggled with exactly how to phrase something she'd pick up a corporate annual report (ANY of them) and invariably find the right way to phrase things.

[bigvalboy]

Well that was an eye-opener. I hadn't even thought of "doable" as an example of corporate-speak and now -- yikes! -- you've made me realize that words from that lexicon have crept into my vocabulary...

 

You guys are killin me...I say or use "doable" all the time. Who knew it was verboten.

 

[bigvalboy]

"price point" has bugged me, too....is this any different from "price"?....very obviously a way to hide the fact that something is too expensive or a way to distance somebody from blame

 

Damn...guilty as charged. I use/used that all the time when talking real estate. For me at least, "price point" means something different than "price." It is a hypothetical. Moving on....

[AdamSmith]

Damn...guilty as charged. I use/used that all the time when talking real estate. For me at least, "price point" means something different than "price." It is a hypothetical. Moving on....

 

price point

n., bullshit speak for "price", in common use by real estate industry "professionals" to emphasize a limited vocablary

your looking in the wrong neighborhood at this price point

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=price+point

[Guest Starbuck]

You guys are killin me...I say or use "doable" all the time. Who knew it was verboten.

 

Damn...guilty as charged. I use/used that all the time when talking real estate..

 

Hmmmm ... it's beginning to look like we have discovered the ROOT of corporate-speak, and his name is BVB.

[bigvalboy]

price point

n., bullshit speak for "price", in common use by real estate industry "professionals" to emphasize a limited vocablary

your looking in the wrong neighborhood at this price point

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=price+point

 

Hmmmm ... it's beginning to look like we have discovered the ROOT of corporate-speak, and his name is BVB.

 

 

"At that price point, a new walker is doable on my income" I'm leaving the room now.

[AdamSmith]

"At that price point, a new walker is doable on my income" I'm leaving the room now.

 

Even Jerry Zipkin?

 

http://www.nytimes.com/1995/06/09/obituaries/jerry-zipkin-who-lunched-and-listened-is-dead-at-80.html

[+ FreshFluff]

Two words I must have heard dozens of times a day in my first few years out of college:

http://myndset.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/value_added.jpg

[AdamSmith]

value added

Corporate filler speak for "making a product more expensive by some obscure improvement/modification".

"Dude, Doritos are now $5.00 a bag, but it's alright, because the extra cheese powder makes them a Value Added Product."

 

Value-Added

A term used during meetings, generally to sound slick and cutting edge. Means exactly the same thing as "adding value," which itself is redundant because any work project is supposed to add value.

Employee #1: By doing this project we will provide value-added

Employee #2: You mean we'll add value?

Employee #1: You obviously can't keep up with the high energy world of business.

 

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=value+added

[+ quoththeraven]

Newspeak!

 

The aim of Newspeak is to remove all shades of meaning from language, leaving simple concepts (pleasure and pain, happiness and sadness, goodthink and crimethink) that reinforce the total dominance of the State. Newspeak root words serve as both nouns and verbs, further reducing the total number of words; for example, "think" is both a noun and verb, so the word thought is not required and can be abolished. The party also intends that Newspeak be spoken in staccato rhythms with syllables that are easy to pronounce. This will make speech more automatic and unconscious and reduce the likelihood of thought. -- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Newspeak

 

Of course for "state," today read "corporation." One of many respects in which Brave New World turned out more prescient than 1984.

 

No, no, both were prescient. Brave New World was closer to the consumerist ethos of the West and 1984 to totalitarian regimes like the Soviets and fascists. Besides, we got such terms as Big Brother and doublethink and the concepts of total surveillance and the use of sex as a way of freeing oneself from oppression from 1984. *hugs her copy of 1984*

[AdamSmith]

*hugs her copy of 1984*

 

But searches in vain for any wall nook today out of sight of the telescreen.