Post Middle Age Crazy

[Guest CrackTheGraySky]

My first post is a bit heavy but due to my lurking I feel as if I know some of you. I'm in my late 40's and have been searching for that spark that makes life exciting. ir appears that I lost it about a year or two ago.

 

I have been working in the same field for nearly 20 years with little to show for it. I have been living in the same large city for about the same length of time. I have few friends and too few interests.

 

I want to start over. I really want to give up my common day job and move to a mid-size city in the northeast or mid-atlantic states. I want to either work for a company or start something on a small scale for myself other than what I currently do. The one or two people I've mentioned this to told me I was being silly, that I should not give up a comfortable job and my lifestyle here.

 

However, I read or hear about people who do this all time. And how much happier they are for doing so.

 

How does one go about doing such a huge change? Is it really as risky as my couple of friends suggest? Do you think I'm acting silly by wanting to change my life so late in life?

 

Your thoughts are more than welcomed.

[marc anthony]

I can only assume, since you are posting this inquiry on a M4M escort message board, that one of the major changes that you are looking for in your "new" life will be sex and/or relationships with men for hire.

 

That being an assumption, I will just advise you that living a life that will make you happy and sexually satisfied is a GREAT goal, but you really do need to make sure that you have enough money to do it. Like the compulsive gambler who goes crazy in Vegas when he has no money, a move to a city filled with desirable escort men without the means to hire them will be more frustrating than you could imagine.

 

So... "line up your ducks" as it were. Make sure you have savings, cash flow, and back up plans before you make the big move.

 

If you can't find an adequate income stream in your new chosen locale, then the next best plan may just be to stay put and travel frequently to your dream place with your dream boy.

 

What I am saying is not the most romantic answer... but it is a cruel fact of life in the escort hiring world. Much of the value of the experience does depend on how much you have to spend on hiring.

 

If I mistook your motives, and escort hiring really has nothing to do with your post at all... and you just somehow chose to post it on this site... then I would say go for it. If life has lost excitement, and risking all for a new opportunity would add spark back into it, then why not? Just remember... you will have to give up something to get back something. At least for a time, things dear to you, whether it be hiring boys or some other pleasure you have, may need to be put on hold. Really only you can decide if those are sacrifices you can make at this time of your life.

[guyinsf]

Well, there is this saying: Wherever you go, there you are.

 

Could your life improve dramatically if you moved to a new city? Perhaps. Could you end up recreating exactly what displeases you where you live now? Quite possibly.

 

To the extent that I understand your situation based on what you wrote here, you already live in a fairly large city with opportunities to provide what you feel is lacking - friendship/companionship/sex and a change to a different line of work. Have you tried to change your life where you already live?

[Will]

Off the top of my head, I want to offer a few pat-on-the-back observations. If I have something more specific to suggest later, I'll come back.

 

First, you are not "post" middle-age. I thought life had begun at 40. Then I hit 50 and discovered that 40 was only a warm-up.

 

Second, you are by no means too old to start a new life for yourself, wherever and however you want to start it.

 

Third, there's a good chance that the spark you're seeking is inside you, not somewhere else -- in another place, another job, another group of friends. In other words, there's a chance that you may be able to have the kind of life you want without trying to take the geographical cure.

 

Fourth, there are all kinds of professionals out there whose job it is to help middle-aged people find more direction in their lives. I hope that you'll seriously consider contacting several of those, until you find one who seems able to help you.

 

Finally, it is NORMAL to get the blahs in the late 40s. Don't panic: this is a change of gears that we all go through at one time or another at this period. I know what I'm talking about here: I'm 63 and have more spark now than I did twenty years ago, by a long shot!

[+ Charlie]

I would reiterate one thing Will said: 40 is the beginning of middle age, not the end. When I was 17, I assumed that I would stop having sex at 40, since it seemed vulgar and graceless for men so old to do something that was intended for young hunks. When I reached 40, my active sex life actually did largely shut down for awhile, but it was because the AIDS epidemic arrived at the same time, not because I was no longer interested. I did find myself more concerned about other parts of my life, such as job satisfaction, and I was very restless and eager to do new things. Being fairly conservative in temperament, I tried to redirect my energy into my work and into other projects (e.g, I became very active in AIDS education), rather than quit my safe job and leave my comfortable though not overly stimulating city. It worked for me.

 

Whether it would work for you depends on what you are trying to get away from, and what you hope to gain by a move to a new place and a new career. How much risk tolerance do you have? What assets do you have to insure your success? Are you able to deal with disappointment if things don't turn out as you hope? Are your short term goals compatible with your long term prospects? At 40, most people have developed responsibilities that are hard to reconcile with starting over completely fresh. Will these responsibilities (or your guilt feelings about abandoning them) be a drag on your ability to enjoy your new life? Only you can answer all these questions, but you need to answer them before you decide on the course of action that will enable you to meet your goals.

 

Finally, if you are really pinning your hopes on a rejuvenation of your sex life, remember that the initial excitement of a new place with new faces is bound to fade, even if you have the money to hire every escort you want.

[jackhammer91406]

Starting Over

 

Hi, and welcome to the best location for on line therapy ever !. Seriously, welcome to Hooville. I want to respond to your post and a number of suggestions you have already been given (some very excellent ones).

First, I can identify with what you are feeling and you should know I have more than a decade on you, and I didn't start over until last year. I found myself isolated, unhappy and extremely depressed. Like you I had few friends (especially gay ones...exactly none)and as I began to try to reinvent a life, the first thoughts were job and locale. I think that is where I made my early mistakes. Like some other replies suggest, the issues are within, not without. Oh sure, new scenery is always Nice. But could it be that the new scenery and job are part of a fear that becoming a new you would be uncomfortable in your present environment? What I mean is, do some of these issues stem from sexual identity. If so, I strongly urge you to consider: The identity issue won't change just by moving. By posting here, you have opened the possibility of meeting new people, most of whom you will find to be very encouraging. here are my specific suggestions:

1. I would suggest taking a few months, at least, while you evaluate some of the advice you have been given and try to reach out to others . Early in my experiences from this site, I made some good chat and email buddies. The positive ones came forward very qucikly, and I have developed some very close friends. I have met many of these great guys while vacationing all around the country over the last year and a half, and now have some dear friends here in the city where I live.. These friends have encouraged me every step of my search and often given invaluable advice and help.

2. continue to voice your feelings here. This process helped me open up to the emotions and fears in a safe way. Yes, there will be some who will go for the jugular when they spy weakness in any form. it makes them MEN. Just let that roll off you (I know it's easier to say than do, but there will be those of us here who will rush in to cover your back, so post with confidence.)

3. start to explore your sexuality by experimenting with professional escorts. Do your Homework. Investigate the reviews, ask other clients via email for feedback. Post questions.

4. Participate here in discussion forums on threads that interest you. As you put more of yourself and ideas on here, you will be shocked to find how many of us feel the same about those things, and it will encourage you and increase you self esteem.

I submit that as your esteem grows, and your experience in making new friends increases, you may find that you can feel great right where you live and in the secure job you already have.

The same life looks vastly improved when we feel better about ourselves.

 

Good luck, and message me anytime.

 

[Guest CrackTheGraySky]

Thank you each for your words of wisdom. There appears to be a common theme expressed within and I will take it to heart.

[OneFinger]

Welcome to the world of posting! I think you raise some interesting questions and I'm sure you'll get a wide variety of opinions. But, for what it's worth, here's my experience.

 

Except for 4 years in the military, I lived in Utah all my life. At the age of 40 I was ready for a change and felt my life was in a rut (both personally and professionally). I started sending out resumes and was made a very good offer for a company in the mid-west.

 

I sold my home, packed up the belongings, and headed out to start a new life. (I was already out of the closet so sexual identity was not an issue.) This was one of the best things that ever happened to my professional life. I experienced fantastic growth opportunities with my new job and it really opened new career doors.

 

But, on a personal level, it was one of the worst moves of my life. I totally underestimated how difficult it was to uproot myself, leave friends behind, and start from scratch. In my new area I became involved in a gay-friendly church, performed volunteer service, joined a bowling league, and kept myself very active.

 

But, I found it very hard to establish the kind of deep friendships I had left behind in Utah. I honestly didn't realize how great my personal life was in Utah. After 7 years I ended up finding a new job in Utah and moving back. I am so much happier being back here because that's where I've got great friends and family.

 

I don't honestly think I would have developed professionally without the move. Now, both my professional and personal life is better than ever before.

 

Don't be afraid to make a change and take a challenge. But, also be prepared for some difficult times when you establish new friendships. For me, it was not that easy.

 

Would I now consider uprooting myself and moving again? NEVER. I'm glad I did it once but would never do it again. Good luck and keep us posted.

[woodlawn]

>How does one go about doing such a huge change? Is it really

>as risky as my couple of friends suggest?

 

If the change you're talking about is starting your own business, then yes, it is extremely risky. It's also extremely stressful, so much so that even if you succeed you may end up wishing you had never started. Before you embark on such a thing you need to ask yourself if you really have the temperament for it. That question is even more important than whether you have a reasonable business plan and the skills to implement it. Entrepreneurs tend to be people who don't get discouraged easily. Or ever. They recover from setbacks quickly and without any loss of enthusiasm or energy. If you've ever seen the film "Monty Python and the Holy Grail," you might recall a scene in which Arthur battles a knight who keeps getting up and coming back for more even after Arthur has hacked his arms off. That's the attitude you need to make it as an entrepreneur. If that doesn't describe you, you'd be better off working for someone else.

 

I don't see anything in your post to suggest that the change you want is primarily about sex and I don't know why some others assumed that it is. If you're contemplating hiring escorts for the first time, however, be advised that by reading this board you will probably get the impression that it's far more difficult than it actually is. Some here seem to approach escorts in the same way New York City parents approach the admissions officer of an exclusive private school. Nonsense. Hiring an escort should be no more complicated or emotional an experience than getting your hair cut, and your relationship with an escort should be on about the same emotional level as your relationship with your barber. There are plenty of barbers who can do a decent job for a relatively modest fee. There are no barbers who can make you look or feel as you did 20 years ago. The same statements apply to escorts. Keep them in mind.

 

 

<Do you think I'm

>acting silly by wanting to change my life so late in life?

 

No. You'll only be acting silly if you do it without careful consideration of what you want to accomplish and how likely you are to get there.

[gulliver]

Your post is one of the most interesting I have read on here and I want to share some ideas with you.

I am in my mid fifties, live in a large city, and do not have the social group that I had when i was in my twenties. Life just did not seem like it was as enjoyable as I thought it should be and I used to dream about returning to the Midwest, a smaller city, etc. I did buy a house in Provincetown and I would often weekend there but I never felt like I belonged and sold it after five years.

I think most gay men between 45 and 65 had their world and their social support systems totally upended with the AIDS epidemic which started during our early years. The effect was catastophic and many of us are facing beginning of middle age misng an intact peer group of friends. Life simply was not normal for us over the past 20 years. I graduated from Michigan State University in 1970 and i would estimate that 40% of the gay men in my circle are no longer alive. Perhaps the figure is not accurate but our community was devastated.

I decided to go to Rio last november for Thanksgiving because I had nothing else to do and I was influenced by the South of the USA message center of this board. I dont want to analyze this experience but I can say that I have a large circle of friends in my age group and share much in common with them and have a great sense of belonging. This goes beyond sex, escorts, and partying. I will try to explain this in more detail if you wish to email me.

We can never see our own life in a truly objective fashion and analyzing it is rife with error, misinterpretation, etc. BUT I honestyly feel that hooking up with a group of chums at this stage in my life has been one of the most wonderful things that could have happened.

One of the posters who responded to your original post is someone whom I have not met and will do so this month in Rio - jackhammer to be specific. I have read about his feelings about his life and kind of relate to him in many ways.

I have one idea to offer - if you have an extra $1500, you might just find that joining our group of posters for a get together we are haveing the last week of October to be something special for you. It may only be just another vacation but I think that there is a possibility of something a bit more. I am in the health care field and

am pretty good at somehow divining what makes people tick and what turns them on - why some are happy and why some are lost. I think this group has somehow banded together and kind of found something (of course there is sex with the rio boys but this goes beyond that)

special. You might want to mull this over. I have a feeling you may here from other in the south of the USA group.

[Bilbo]

Hi, Babe, you say you have been lurking long enough to get to know us. So I won't surprise you with my answers.

 

First, try adding a spriritual dimension to your reawakening. You can combine that with sexual exploration by looking into Body Electric (bodyelectric.org).

 

Second, why is everyone assuming that you are thinking about starting to hire escorts? Forty is quite young enough to be thinking about becoming one. Especially since you are thinking about starting your own business. I haven't seen or heard what you look like, but unless you are very muscular, don't quit your day job for it. It might make a nice second income, but probably not your major source of funding. And it takes a particular frame of mind. Not only the way that Woodlawn already described Holy Grail wise, but also you would need to really enjoy sex. What we might call a slut. And I'm not sure you sound like one of us that way. I mean no offense when I say this. And you could quite possibly prove me wrong. Which might be fun to help you prove.

[Guest fukamarine]

OK - for what it's worth - here goes.

 

1: If you make the move because there is no excitement in your present city, make sure the reason is the city and not you. As a leopard seldom changes his spots, if you are an intravert now, moving will not change anything.

 

2: I can understand that being in a job for too long a time is similar to staying at a party long after you know you should have left. It'a a trap we can all fall into!

 

3: I presume you have a good pension plan in your present job. Are you putting this at risk by moving? If you intend to become self-employed consider how your retirement situation will be affected.

 

4: I understand why you might not want to mention the field you are currently employed in - but there should be no harm in telling us the type of business you would consider starting. Is it in the service industry? Are you going into retail, such as opening a bookstore, a men's clothing store etc., or are you really butch and are going to become an auto mechanic, or an electrician and get to wear a tool belt. Or are you a handyman and good at house renovations. Or perhaps you are an accountant and can work at home, perhaps even in a computer related field. So many possibilities - give us a hint!

 

5: You mention you would like to move to a mid-size town somewhere on the Eastern seaboard. My one suggestion would be - choose a smallish town that is home to a college or university. I find they are usually more interesting, have a greater level of sophistication and as a plus - have a constant supply of young men drifting through for a few years at a time. There is something very comforting about being surrounded by academia. I would choose a college town over a blue collar town every time.

 

Good luck - I'm sure you will make the right decision with all the good advice you have received on this forum!

 

fukamarine

[Guest CrackTheGraySky]

Once again thank you to those who have added their thoughts and suggestions. The fact that you have taken the time to respond with sincerity really is heartfelt.

 

I should clarify a few bits about my post. It's not about hiring escorts, I have hired plenty over the years with reasonable results.

 

As most figured out the original post was about a phase I'm currently going through in life. I posted here because no one knows me and that gave me a certain sense of comfort. Additionally I posted here becaue many of you share some of the samedesires that I have. I could not think of a better forum to post to.

 

As to further clarification I work for a large financial firm and have been considering creating some type of service business. I really didn't have anything specific venture in mind, any ideas?

 

Now I would also like to share with you an outline that I've put together. This is a result of all of the exceptional responses to my post.

 

I've decided to remain at my current location and with my current employer. I agree that this isn't a problem related to geography it's a problem within me. No matter where I go I'll take my unhappiness with me.

 

The general plan is to try and associate more with people, gay friends would be nice to have. I'm going to look into volunteering either within my community or a nearby one.

 

Also, I'm going to try and select a business I can begin while still being employed. There must be something I can do from home. Something that will give me additinal income and hopefully transform into a full time situation so I can resign from my current position.