"YOUNG MAN, OLDER MAN" - on gay May-December Relationships

[bcohen7719]

Hi Guys,

 

What do you think of this news article exploring

relationships between gay men where there may

be a 20 - 30 year age gap?

 

BC

 

http://www.edgeboston.com/index.php?ch=news&sc=family&sc3=&id=124733&pg=1

[Atlantagaguy]

Very timely, not sure if you meant to put this up because of my post, thank you!

[bcohen7719]

Very timely, not sure if you meant to put this up because of my post, thank you!

 

No, I'm sorry, I missed your post. Can you provide a link?

 

BC

[tyro]

It's the "Dated Not Hired" thread.

T

[bcohen7719]

It's the "Dated Not Hired" thread.

T

 

Thanks, T! Wonderful thread, amazing stories.

 

BC

[trilingual]

My partner, now spouse, and I have a 32-year age difference. He's Brazilian and we met online while I was in the U.S. for several months. When I returned to Brazil, after we'd been corresponding for nearly 3 months, we met in person and everything seemed to click. I asked him to live with me in Rio, and we've been together ever since. After being an "item" for 6 years we decided to get married this past August when he was in the U.S. and we were in New York.

 

We have an open relationship. My spouse is tall and good-looking and attracts attention. When we met he was only 28. He also likes to hang out with his friends and loves going out dancing and it's inevitable that he would run into temptation. Also, he's young and full of hormones! I remember what that was like. For me the fires don't burn as intensely now, but I haven't forgotten what a slut I was when I was younger! Also, I'm not the jealous type and I still like the occasional fling or change of scenery, too! Although May-December relationships are more common in Brazil and other Latin American countries than in the U.S., my husband is a bit unusual, I think, in that when he's just looking for a roll in the hay he likes very muscular fit guys around his own age. But he just doesn't see them as relationship material, at all. And, in fact, even though he plays around he always comes home! It was a bit nerve-wracking at first, but it stopped being that way once I knew him more completely and understood that he really had made a commitment to me. We trust each other implicitly and agreed never to lie to each other at the very start of our relationship. In my experience, lying is what has destroyed too many other people's relationships. Once you discover one lie, you can't help wondering what other lies the person has told, and then all trust begins to crumble. You can't have a real relationship without trust.

 

Although I'm now 66 I don't "feel" or "think" of myself as old, even if I can see the reality every time I look in the mirror! But you're only as old as you feel, and I feel more like I'm in my 30s than my 60s! I told my husband I wasn't looking to be someone else's "daddy," I wanted us to be on an equal footing. That's working for us. I find Brazil to be less ageist than the U.S. When I'm there and hanging out with my husband and his friends, I've never been made to feel old or out of place. I'm just another guy in the group, even though I occasionally realize that I'm by far the oldest person there! But again, it has to do with how old you feel and act, and (I hope) I haven't gotten old mentally or in attitudes and interests.

 

And that, for what it's worth, is my experience. I do know of some other young guys here in the U.S. who have much older partners and they seem to be doing fine with it, too. So yes, it's certainly possible and if the two of you are happy together it really doesn't matter what other people think! If they're being disapproving or judgmental you probably don't need those people in your life, anyway! Just sayin'. . .

[tyro]

What a positive story! Thank you for posting.

T

[operalover21]

What a positive story! Thank you for posting.

T

 

It is and it does give one hope. I do wonder if any relationship along these lines would work if the younger guy was the more financially successful than the older guy?

[Rod Hagen]

When I started I was in my 20s, so most clients were 20 -35 year older than I was and some were 60 years older.

 

Now, time has gone by as I now know it always does (I didn't know that then), and as an escort going into 40, no client is 60, or even 50, years older than I am. And although I still have plenty of friends and clients who are thirty years older than I am, the difference between 40 and 70 is nothing at all like the difference between 26 and 86 (or even 26 and 56).

 

At 26, younger guys who hired me were not THAT much younger, although even then they seemed a bit alien to me, all that dancing. At 40, younger guys who hire me strike me as children. As individuals requiring, gulp, guidance.

 

Escorting is an interesting way to be young and it's an interesting way to age.

[Rod Hagen]

Even though my post seemed to have stopped this thread dead, I'll say more because it's been on my mind. 10 years ago, on this MC, I often argued that people should date with the intent of a LTR only within their age range, more or less. My reasoning was that, since I, at nearly 30, had nothing in common with a 20 year old (and I didn't) a 60 year old would have less than nothing in common. And given that situation, given that one would be nonrelatable to the other, the relationship would more often than not, be doomed to end.

 

A decade has gone by, I've aged, and I still think I'm right about the conclusion that more often than not a May-December relationship will end in short order. However, I was wrong in my view of the big picture. In 10 years I've met with a lot of "older" men, and many of these men have had relationships with men much younger than I am. Relationships, plural. May December relationships are perfect examples of serial Monogamy. I love him I love him I love him. He's gone. I love him I love Him I love Him, now he's gone too.

 

Obviously, there are age-disparate relationships that stand the test of time (I have clients who met in their 20s and 40s and are now in their 50s and 70s), but most often they end. But, after grieving, the older man finds another in shorter order than I observe in relationships in parallel age groups.

 

So the happiness is nearly always present, it's just with a lot of different guys.

 

How the younger guys feel about this, how they react to this, if they go from older guy to older guy just like the older guys tend to go from young to young, I don't know. Is Jeremy Lingvall looking for another older guy, now that Geffen kicked him to the curb last year? Did the previous chain of Geffen boyfriends look for other older men or begin to date within their age. I don't know. I do know, after 15 years of observing older guys who like younger guys, that the older guys move on and they move on to another young guy.

 

Why not, right?

[MscleLovr]

Very interesting observations, Rod.

 

I disagree, however, with your conclusion about the appropriate age-difference for a LTR. I've had several relationships with much younger men - I plead guilty to your charge of serial monogamy. Tho I'm middle-aged, I remain energetic and enthusiastic and I like the company of fit-bodied younger men. I guess it depends on what length of time you use to define a LTR. In my case, some have lasted years and some less than a year. I've found all of them to be enjoyable, interesting and life-enhancing.

[+ Topseed]

In part, this dialogue hinges on one's definition of "long-term". (I'll stop before I get into trouble.) :-)

[Rod Hagen]

Very interesting observations, Rod.

 

I disagree, however, with your conclusion about the appropriate age-difference for a LTR.-

 

I'm not saying there are inappropriate age-differences, I'm just saying the relationships with larger age differences don't last "long", and so it definitely becomes a serial monogamy thing.

 

The couple in the best movie of 2012, Amour, that's a long term relationship :-)