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When Is an Invitation NOT an Invitation ???


jjkrkwood
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Ok, so you have a friends that have a summer home in P-town. They "invite" you down, but not to stay with them: you need to get a room at the Boatslip. You advise them that you were not looking to incur that money for a vacation at this time. They get pissed at you because you refused their "invite".

 

My take on it would be different if they were asking me to stay with them at their home.

 

Was that what you consider an "invite" ???

 

If you "invite" people to dinner, do YOU expect to pay, or are you just asking them to join you and pay their own way ? :confused:

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Ok, so you have a friends that have a summer home in P-town. They "invite" you down, but not to stay with them: you need to get a room at the Boatslip. You advise them that you were not looking to incur that money for a vacation at this time. They get pissed at you because you refused their "invite".

 

My take on it would be different if they were asking me to stay with them at their home.

 

Was that what you consider an "invite" ???

 

If you "invite" people to dinner, do YOU expect to pay, or are you just asking them to join you and pay their own way ? :confused:

 

This reminds me of emails like this...

 

"Are you coming to Podunk, CA?"

"Sure, I'm available for travel."

"Well I just wanted to know if you're going to be here—I'm not buying you a ticket to come."

"Ah, well I'll have to pass then."

"Well when would you be in town?"

"Unless you're buying me a ticket to come, probably never. I don't really have a reason to go there."

"But I'm here. :)"

 

and so on...

 

If someone invites me to dinner, I assume it's for my company and I expect to pay my share if it's at a restaurant. If it's at their home, I ask what to bring. If they say "nothing," I bring something anyway. If they invite me to join them somewhere out of town, I ask for the details first. If they don't already have a place to stay—or it's a mutual vacation in a place neither of us live, then I pay my way. Otherwise I would expect to stay at their place. To me, that's what "you should come up to see us" means.

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you said these are "friends"?

 

I don't think so

 

Exactly.

 

If my friends expected me to hop-to-it wherever and however they beckoned, I'd be lookin' for some new friends.

 

I could understand if they were disappointed, but 'pissed'? Nah. Who needs it?

 

I think good friends will respect your wishes as well as their own.

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When I get invited to a friends town to visit, I always get my own hotel. I never expect or assume that they would put me up. Having an out of town guest in your home can and usually is a lot of work, so I make my own arrangements. The offer, I feel is for friends to meet, and enjoy some quality time together, not to get an all expense paid free vacation.

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1. Get new friends.

2. Get the room at the Boatslip.

3. Don't tell them you'll be there.

4. "Accidentally" run into them on Commercial Street.

5. When are you gonna be in P-Town so I can hops the fairy and go on a whale watch?

 

:D I love it!

 

Have a great weekend Phil, and thanks for making me smile!

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When I invite friends to visit, I don't include a price tag.

 

To clarify Seek, my friends don't include a price tag either. It is my prerogative to get my own hotel, and pay my own way. I am not looking for freebies. While many will insist on me staying with them, we are from the South after all, and Southern hospitality is paramount to anything else, I insist on paying own way. If you can't even afford a room as the original OP stated, and your friends are too cheap to put you up, you have no business traveling anyway. You should just stay home and order in. Seems fairly simple solution to me.

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To clarify Seek, my friends don't include a price tag either. It is my prerogative to get my own hotel, and pay my own way. I am not looking for freebies. While many will insist on me staying with them, we are from the South after all, and Southern hospitality is paramount to anything else, I insist on paying own way. If you can't even afford a room as the original OP stated, and your friends are too cheap to put you up, you have no business traveling anyway. You should just stay home and order in. Seems fairly simple solution to me.

The OP stated he was fine with staying home, as he could not afford the trip. His friends are angry for him for refusing the invitation. That is very different than a situation in which one opts to go to a hotel.

I agree that having guests can be challenging, the close company of your friends should more than compensate for any inconvenience in having them there.

For me, they were not offering an invitation. They were letting you know you were welcome to join them at your own expense. Your option not to go should be respected.

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When I get invited to a friends town to visit, I always get my own hotel. I never expect or assume that they would put me up. Having an out of town guest in your home can and usually is a lot of work, so I make my own arrangements. The offer, I feel is for friends to meet, and enjoy some quality time together, not to get an all expense paid free vacation.

 

I dont like P-town, and had no plans to visit there. As for "getting" an all expense paid vacation, I would still be paying for airfare etc even if they DID put me up, plus the expense of taking them out for meals and so on. I CAN afford the room, and Them not putting me up has nothing to do with THEM being cheap. I am NOT a freeloader, nor have I ever stayed with friends, as I enjoy my privacy and personal space. The point here, as you obviously missed it , is that they got angry , and are not speaking with me over my refusal to come visit them. Are they freinds? Perhaps not, now in hind sight. If they want to spend and enjoy "quality time" as you put it, they can invite me to their home in Bklyn, a 20 minute drive from MY home...

 

FYI to PK, I can certainly AFFORD the trip to P-town, but as I dont like the place as a vacation spot, CHOOSE not to spend the money to visit there, and go somewhere else that I enjoy, which I am, which pissed them off even more.

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To address your specific questions:

 

Was that what you consider an "invite" ???

 

It is a form of an invite, but one with some apparent conditions.

 

If you "invite" people to dinner, do YOU expect to pay, or are you just asking them to join you and pay their own way ? :confused:

 

When I invite people to dinner, unless I spell out in advance some conditions (which I rarely do unless unusual circumstances) I expect to pay. But I make it clear if it is an invitation or just a suggestion to grab something to eat and we'll go dutch. Clarification up front is always useful. I don't expect to pay for their gas or their parking if that is incurred.

 

I personally would offer to cover the hotel cost, especially if the person was having the expense of a flight to visit me. However, I am reminded of the etiquette for a wedding where out of town guests typically pay for their own hotel rooms (not exactly on point but somewhat related to the issue).

 

As far as the "friends" getting angry, it seems they over reacted. You were extended an invitation and declined with a reasonable explanation. However, we are only privy to one side of the story here (such is the nature of these types of posts) so there may be a backstory to the relationship that may be pertinent or there may be something in the nature of the response that they took offense to. Have you talked to them about this to try to understand why they are angry? I can relate to this from my own experience where some friends of mine invited me to visit them at their beach house in upper Michigan for a long weekend. Although I would have enjoyed seeing them, it was a long drive for me and I am not a beach type person so I politely declined. They got quite upset. After they cooled down a bit, we had a conversation exploring why they were upset. Found out that it was because they were having trouble getting their friends to visit them and they got frustrated with constantly being turned down. So depending on how serious the relationship is at risk and how important it is to you to salvage it, approaching them to sort it out and understanding each other better can be worthwhile.

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I live down by the Jersey Shore and so in the summertime I have an abundance of "seasonal friends.

 

I have learned to discern who is a real friend that I glady offer my house to and who is a seasonal friend for whom my house is always "full"...but I would never invite someone down to my house and expect them to get a room....well maybe if they had a lot of screaming, bratty kids :)

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I can relate to this from my own experience where some friends of mine invited me to visit them at their beach house in upper Michigan for a long weekend. Although I would have enjoyed seeing them, it was a long drive for me and I am not a beach type person so I politely declined. They got quite upset. After they cooled down a bit, we had a conversation exploring why they were upset. Found out that it was because they were having trouble getting their friends to visit them and they got frustrated with constantly being turned down. So depending on how serious the relationship is at risk and how important it is to you to salvage it, approaching them to sort it out and understanding each other better can be worthwhile.

 

JG, to answer breifly I have a 10 yr history with this couple (males). Over the course of 10 yr, I cant remember a time when they were NOT pissed at something. The time you pick for dinner didnt suit them, the restaurant didnt suit them, they need to pick the movie to see, you sat in the wrong chair in their home, you made plans and didnt consult them, etc, etc.

they are the kind of peole that NEED to orchestrate everything and run the show. And if you know anything about me from these boards, I cant be controlled ! So this is one more notch in the belt, and personally, I really dont care if they stay pissed or not. A friendship like this is way too much work and too Tiring....and I am too old for this petty shit.

 

FYI - one last tidbit that I didnt think had relevance before but will mention now, the reason they wanted me to visit was that they have an annual Memorial Day party to open their summer home and was hoping to have me there to HELP them with the preparation and hosting duties... :cool:

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There is always a motive, isn't there? One can hope that the primary motive is to get together and have some fun. Obviously, there can be "other" motives. My "real" friends and family always discuss what the "goal" is and how various intend to accomplish it. If you live in A and they live in B and you are meeting in C, then with little conversation it should become obvious that it is everyone pay their own way. If they are visiting you or you are visiting them, the "regulars" that do this "know" what everyone expects. Come on over, stay with me, I have extra tickets to the concert. Meals, etc. "out" will be decided on the spot. Friends don't impose and neither do hosts and guests. :)

 

I realize that there are certain people out there that like to play gamemanship with personal relationships but I and my friends don't.

 

Best regards,

KMEM

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5. When are you gonna be in P-Town so I can hops the fairy and go on a whale watch?

 

Perhaps you can hops this fairy. She provides a camera and refreshments.

 

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_jIgFLebUpfE/SwMAGEhyckI/AAAAAAAAB3w/H9Cmb9ayOA8/s1600/Picture+2.png

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On the original post, if someone invites you to visit them like that it seems there is an implied invitation to stay with them. Otherwise, it's just like they're saying "let's get together if you happen to be in my city", which isn't really an invitation at all and it is odd that anyone would get upset if you say you don't plan to be going. However, your later post adds some important details, as it explains that the invitation was to a party. In that case, it is more akin to the wedding ivitation that jgoo described above. You shouldn't expect that you would be staying at their place and I could see them getting a little miffed if the invitation to their party was declined. Having said that, the fact that they wanted you to help out and co-host the party, well, that throws a whole other wrench into things. I have no idea what the proper etiquette for that is as far as staying with them is concerned.

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On the original post, if someone invites you to visit them like that it seems there is an implied invitation to stay with them. Otherwise, it's just like they're saying "let's get together if you happen to be in my city", which isn't really an invitation at all and it is odd that anyone would get upset if you say you don't plan to be going. However, your later post adds some important details, as it explains that the invitation was to a party. In that case, it is more akin to the wedding ivitation that jgoo described above. You shouldn't expect that you would be staying at their place and I could see them getting a little miffed if the invitation to their party was declined. Having said that, the fact that they wanted you to help out and co-host the party, well, that throws a whole other wrench into things. I have no idea what the proper etiquette for that is as far as staying with them is concerned.

 

The thing is you don't just happen to be in P-Town. Unless you live Boston or Providence it takes a bit of planning. I can easily hop a ferry and be there in no time. For people like JJ he has to either fly into the Provincetown air port or into Logan then drive several hours to get there.

 

I am curious though JJ, does this couple know your dislike of P-Town? If they do, it was likely an empty invite in the first place.

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To clarify Seek, my friends don't include a price tag either. It is my prerogative to get my own hotel, and pay my own way. I am not looking for freebies. While many will insist on me staying with them, we are from the South after all, and Southern hospitality is paramount to anything else, I insist on paying own way. If you can't even afford a room as the original OP stated, and your friends are too cheap to put you up, you have no business traveling anyway. You should just stay home and order in. Seems fairly simple solution to me.

 

BVB, if YOU decide to pay your own way, that's different from 'hosts' who have the EXPECTATION or REQUIREMENT that you pay your own way. No criticism of your behavior was implied or intended :)

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As far as the "friends" getting angry, it seems they over reacted. You were extended an invitation and declined with a reasonable explanation. However, we are only privy to one side of the story here (such is the nature of these types of posts) so there may be a backstory to the relationship that may be pertinent or there may be something in the nature of the response that they took offense to. Have you talked to them about this to try to understand why they are angry? I can relate to this from my own experience where some friends of mine invited me to visit them at their beach house in upper Michigan for a long weekend. Although I would have enjoyed seeing them, it was a long drive for me and I am not a beach type person so I politely declined. They got quite upset. After they cooled down a bit, we had a conversation exploring why they were upset. Found out that it was because they were having trouble getting their friends to visit them and they got frustrated with constantly being turned down. So depending on how serious the relationship is at risk and how important it is to you to salvage it, approaching them to sort it out and understanding each other better can be worthwhile.

 

http://www.maleescortreview.com/forum/public/style_emoticons/default/thumbsup.png Very sound advice and much better than my initial reaction of kicking them to the curb.

 

JJ, if you really don't care to continue the relationship in its present form, then it probably can't hurt to have the open conversation Jgoo suggests. At the very least, you'll learn each other's take on things, and possibly get the relationship restarted on a more equitable footing.

 

I'd be interested to hear what happens, if you feel like sharing. http://hfboards.hockeysfuture.com/images/smilies/bigear.gif

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Assuming that you are digesting their emails and communication correctly (big assumption), you need new friends. The "I love NY" campaign invited people to NY State. Your "friends" offered little more than the aforementioned campaign. If you "friends" are upset over your reaction, assuming that you were able to absorb the entire situation correctly (see above), then they may suffer from similar delusions.

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I

 

 

FYI to PK, I can certainly AFFORD the trip to P-town, but as I dont like the place as a vacation spot, CHOOSE not to spend the money to visit there, and go somewhere else that I enjoy, which I am, which pissed them off even more.

 

"You advise them that you were not looking to incur that money for a vacation at this time."

 

This is the phrase from your original post that made me infer that you could not afford the trip. So if you could afford it and they believe that is the case and you told them you did not want to spend the money to join them, their annoyance is more understandable but still not justified. It seems as though one could interpret this as saying: I have the money and just don't want to spend it to join you. Perhaps that is why they are angered.

 

Your recent posts about this couple make it seem that there are deeper issues in this relationship. A cooling of the relationship for the summer may be a good idea all around if there is anything to salvage of this "friendship"

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