As an Older Gay Man - What Do You Do?

[robberbaron4u]

From my perspective, make it "sooner" than "later" before the old adage that "it is so sad to be all alone in the world" becomes your "song".

[+ Charlie]

This feels like a very appropriate question for an old man like me to contemplate on his birthday. From earliest childhood I have had women friends, and my oldest friend in the world is a woman I have known since we were both infants. In my 20s and 30s, when I was most sexually active, the majority of my new friends were gay men, but even then I made some good women friends. Interestingly, a majority of the friends from those years who are still part of my life are the women, but that is at least partly due to the ravages of AIDS on my male friends. As I moved into middle age, I often found it easier to make new friends among women than men, because the women were more open than men to friendship as opposed to sexual relationships. When I retired and moved to Palm Springs, I found that my new friendships were almost equally with men and women. In my old age, more of the women I meet are healthy and mentally sharp than the men I meet, so I naturally gravitate toward them; when I went to my 50th high school reunion a few years ago, I noted that I could still recognize most of the women from my class, but few of the men.

 

When I look back at my surviving close friends (i.e., those who know me very well, with whom I can comfortably discuss most personal issues) from all periods of my life, I count an almost equal number of men and women.

[josephga]

I find it easier to have female friends. Over the years I've only had 2 gay male friends. the rest were guys I knew in the military and the rest females. Female's sometimes find it easier to be friends with men because they don't trust other females. I recently became friends with someone her name is Traci all of her friends are gay men she has absolutely no female friends

[+ WilliamM]

Friendships

 

My experience is quite different. I have had an equal number of friendships with women and men (gay and straight), or at least it started out that way.

 

But if there a slight disagreement or just a gap in time, I have only been able to resume a close friendship with two women, but close to one hundred percent of the men. I became friends a few years ago with a younger woman. It's enjoyable. But, we are different in many, many ways. It has led to problems. When I have tried to discuss it, she either doesn't understand or pretends not to understand.

 

To characterize the situation: I know how men think; I apparently do not have a clue as how women think.

[gallahadesquire]

My experience is quite different. I have had an equal number of friendships with women and men (gay and straight), or at least it started out that way.

 

But if there a slight disagreement or just a gap in time, I have only been able to resume a close friendship with two women, but close to one hundred percent of the men. I became friends a few years ago with a younger woman. It's enjoyable. But, we are different in many, many ways. It has led to problems. When I have tried to discuss it, she either doesn't understand or pretends not to understand.

 

To characterize the situation: I know how men think; I apparently do not have a clue as how women think.

 

My sister tells me that I speak womyn very well. And she's the foreign language guru (PhD in Romance Language from Princeton).

[doitb4ugo]

As a newly "old" gay man, I don;t have anyway to know what it will be like when my mind catches up with my body...I still feel like I'm very young with a full life ahead of me...until I look in a mirror and realize that a life "not of my own choosing" has passed by...very odd feeling. I have almost all straight friends and more women than men, to be sure.

[Samai139]

The original post and the subsequent replies gave me a lot to think about and at my age that's a PLUS.

Making friends, not acquaintances, has never been easy for me and I am almost totally responsible for the difficulties

I have encountered. As a youth, I was very guarded in seeking out friendships because although I knew I was homosexual (gay was not used in those years) I was afraid to reveal that to those I was attracted to---eilther as a possible sexual partner or a non-sexual friend. As I grew older (college age and after) the same fears kept me from having friends who knew very much about me---pretty much like what a previous poster said about his straight male friends. It wasn't until I was 25 or 26 that I shared a friendship with another male and we were both gay but never had a sexual relationship. He is still my friend, although we live 300 miles apart and do not see each other as often as in the past. I can count on two hands the number of true friends that I have---mostlhy male, but two females.

Having said that, let me go back to the original question and instead of answering it, ask a few of my own:

Aside from relatives, do you have at least one person who on a daily basis cares whether you are alive or dead?

Can you pick up your phone and call someone at any hour or the day or night for help, to talk, to share a fear or a joy?

If you are retired or no longer work, do you still have a daily regimen which entails more than taking a handful of pills and remembering where the remote control(s) is/are?

Can you carry on conversations (not just listen or talk) with men and women of your generation and other generations?

When was the last time you learnt something new?

Finally, a confession: I feel much more comfortable writing posts on this forum than I do sharing the same thoughts in person with most of my friends. Go figure. Oh BTW I'm 72.

[Toulouse]

I have a close-knit group of older gay friends--four other men in ages ranging 57 to 74, and we all live within three miles of the French Quarter. We meet in The Quarter for brunch or dinner a couple of times each week. I always look forward to our get-togethers. Other than hiring escorts, this special group of men is my primary source of gay socialization and I feel darn fortunate to have them.

[BewareofNick]

Having good looks sometimes mean that people don't always take you seriously. They are insecure about themselves, and don't feel they add up. So they go for average looking dudes that aren't ALL that cute because they are afraid they can't measure up.

 

Funny you should mention that. My son has a good friend who is probably one of the most gorgeous men I've ever seen. He looks like pornstar Deangelo Jackson. He is also one of the nicest and most humble guys I know. Not to mention that he's an industrial engineer and makes good money. The three of us had gone out one night to dinner and a movie. On the way home, I asked Marcus (the friend) if he was seeing anyone. He said he was having a hard time meeting anyone that didn't just want sex and he didn't understand why so many people seemed uncomfortable around him. I told him that it was probably because they were intimidated by him. They see this gorgeous built guy and they are afraid to approach because they don't think they'll measure up. He replied that he's never mean or rude to anyone and he has never tried to be intimidating. I told him it wasn't him. It was partly because sometimes some guys are insecure and other times they've been burned by the "professional gays" (not to be confused with escorts). My suggestion was that when he sees someone who looks, but turns away, and if he finds them interesting, he should make the first move or even just nod or smile at them. Well, Marcus has been dating the same guy for over two years now and they are very happy. Marcus' bf could be described as average looking, but he is SO funny and they both obviously love each other very much.

[+ Shoreboy]

Hmmm..as someone rapidly approaching the 60 mark this thread made me think.

 

I knew I was gay early and so in my 20's my quest was for sexual partners more than finding friends.

 

I would characterize this as my "self and sex" period of my life.

 

As I aged I came to the conclusion that I had a good life (middle class all the way) a good family that loved me for me, a good education and a good job that I still have and still love...plus a number of dogs that have come and gone who loved me unconditionally.

 

I think what changed my outlook on life was the desire to start giving back to the world and volunteer at various places. I tried a number of places until I narrowed it down to two different agencies.

 

It was at these places that I found sincere people who really could care less if you were male or female, gay or straight, married or single...since we all had a desire to help others.

 

I found some true friends, kept a few from my past, and am now quite content with my circle of friends.

 

I have also come to believe that you cannot have more than 5 friends that you consider close friends that would be there for you whenever you need them for whatever reason.

 

Sometimes when you step out of your self-contained box of safety and think of others you will find friends. It is like love...when you are looking for it, it ain't gonna happen....when you stop looking so hard it comes your way.

 

I still cherish my family, I love my friends, I like my alone times and am happy where my life has thus far brought me

[Racketjock]

Thanks for the thought provoking question and thread. As I have gotten older, lost both parents, some siblings, and many friends, I think about getting older, pending retirement, and the wealth that is good friends. I agree with Shoreboy, that I have found to be most fullfilled and have developed the longest and best friendships through doing the things and giving of my time to that which is most imortant to me. The local arts community, the local free health clinic, and mentoring at an academic institution have left me with a wide variety of people that I have met, come to know, learn from, and in some instances developed lasting, nurturing friendships. Be they men or women, gay or straight, I feel like the lucky one. Not that I consider myself a role model, but I do believe it is important for others, young and old, gay and straight, to have the example of people that are happy because they are doing what they love. Everyone has a talent, a story or journey to share, and a smile to give. I wish more people would embrace that. I think many would be surprised by how richer their lives would be. I am very thankful for someone teaching me that and for mine.

[bootdad]

A great many factors determine how we perceive aging and friendship - I am also approaching 60 (a few years to go) and yes my body is beginning to feel old, my mind still very young and I dress somewhere in between (a serious boot fetish prevails in fall / winter followed by a serious sneaker fetish in spring / summer) and have not owned a suit in more than 30 years. How we relate to friends has a lot to do with the following factors...

- are you an only child ?

- do you come from a small or a large family ?

- have you been in or are you still in a long term relationship - more than a decade qualifies ?

- are you in a traditional career - meaning are you one of the few people where you work that is gay and rarely have contact with other gay people working each day or are you in a career / profession where there are many gay people and contact with other gay people is almost the norm

- do you live in a large urban setting ?

- are you a social being that attends numerous openings / events / functions / fundraisers, etc (meaning ... do you go to the opening of an envelope?)

 

All these things factor into our relations / friendships - I have been involved with my partner for almost 3 decades, have no immediate siblings/parents or relatives, and am self-employed in a creative arena where contact with other gay people is almost a daily norm. Having said all of that - I truly believe close friends are few and far between, can be counted on the digits of a single hand and tend to have been around for more than a decade. I have hundreds of colleagues and acquaintances and can walk into a social function and know dozens of people - but knowing people and spending intimate dining/wining time with people is a very different matter. I host 2 or 3 large social events at my home each year and that event rarely exceeds 20 people, as well - I host at least a dozen dinner events each year but never have more than 4 guests join us - so does that make me a selective social creature - I don't know...all

I do know is that how we all perceive friendship has changed dramatically over the past decade and I prefer to spend my time with people I still love and care about in as intimate a setting as possible - that to me is the foundation of a great friendship ... dialogue, exchanging ideas and insights and also enjoying few laughs - not like when we were young and believed friendship was about hanging out till dawn dancing up a storm at the local bar - OMG - I am getting old !!! Or as some of my 20something acquaintances believe - being popular is all about 6 or 7 hundred facebook friends - I mean what the hell is that all about ???

[instudiocity]

I believe age is only relative. My parents are in their 80's. They've surrounded themselves with people in all walks of life ranging in age from new born to their 90's. The 'rents have stayed young.

 

Following their example, I've surrounded myself with people from all walks of life and all ages. At 55, I share my home with two young men - one in his early 30's and one in his late 20's. One is gay, out and proud, the other one is straight and quite the cocksman. Neighbors in our building include a 30's couple expecting a child, a 40's couple with a teenager, many singles - male and female. We actually tease one of the young ladies for her rather loud orgasms and one of the guys for his rather loud and rambunctious style with the women.

 

We're a totally mixed crowd who have created a sense of belonging - of family - to our building.

 

Everyone frequently brings business associates, friends and acquaintances to our social times - I don't call them events because mostly they are unplanned - "Hey, what're you doing for dinner?" type things.

 

So maybe when I'm older I'll be able to answer this question. But mom and dad taught me that every person brings something to the table. You should befriend and embrace the variety.

[+ LIguy]

I'm in the 50 age range and find it incredibly hard to make new friends.Years ago I did volunteer work and made some great friends but many have moved out of New York.I had 2 very close friends for over 10 years.We did everything together but they have both found boyfriends and have forgotten I even exist.And that's what really pisses me off.How do you just walk away like that? One has since broken up and has tried to rekindle friendship but I just can't talk to him. Am I wrong?

[Guest Kyle_K]

Wow! what generous and thoughtful sharing about this often times, very personal topic! We all have an abundance of things in common to compliment our many differences. Having just returned from a trip I look forward to revisiting all replies and sharing further. What a great community of folks! :-))

[gallahadesquire]

As i approach retirement (versus "not being re-hired" - is that actionable, legally?) that came upon me rather suddenly,

I read these tales with some surprise and happiness that so many have found such good fortune.

 

I have been at the same job for 23 years, and it has varied from "it's a job" [it's supposed to be a profession] to "OMG, IHTFP" (RE: IHTFP: it's much better if you Google it than me writing it all out here). I am jealous of those of you who have had better professional relationships. From what I can tell, my patients always appreciated my care.

 

I guess I would just add: If you don't enjoy your job, and you have days where you can't get out of bed or don't want to, or going to work is a chore: GET A NEW JOB!

[Guest Kyle_K]

I thought that I had a moment in my time to say something important here. I don't know. But I still want people to embrace this ....

 

[video=youtube;ERoIdm9dWgk]

[bigvalboy]

Kyle...I applaud your tenacity!!! but this might be the wrong crowd.

[Guest Kyle_K]

Kyle...I applaud your tenacity!!! but this might be the wrong crowd.

 

Perhaps it is bigvalboy. You're just to very comfortable when it comes to being around people who make you uncomfortable.

 

I get that.

 

So then, stop being the voice of the people of whom you choose to represent,

 

Somewhere along the line bigvalboy you really do need to just shut the fuck up. No?

[+ glutes]

Methinks the 'K' in Kyle's last name stands for Kerfuffle...

 

Phoenix, Denver, St.Louis:

Round round get around

I get around

Yeah

Get around round round I get around

I get around

Get around round round I get around

My kind o' town

Get around round round I get around

I'm a real cool head

Get around round round I get around

I'm makin' real good bread

[bigvalboy]

Somewhere along the line bigvalboy you really do need to just shut the fuck up. No?

 

LOL.....Did you just tell me to shut the fuck up? Seriously, what's wrong with you? What kind of person says that to another Human Being on a public forum?.....This is a public forum and I have a right to comment on anything that you choose to post here, so long as I do not violate the terms of service, (which for the record, I believe you did).

 

 

 

AND Glutes...I do believe you are on to something here!!

[healthguy]

Hi bigvalboy,

How unfortunate. I did not perceive your comment to be anything but helpful. Such a good thread up until now.

[bigvalboy]

Hi bigvalboy,

How unfortunate. I did not perceive your comment to be anything but helpful. Such a good thread up until now.

 

Thanks HG...I actually was trying to be supportive, as his previous posts on Shirley Bassey and Elton John went mostly unnoticed, which I thought was sad, because they were excellent videos. He obviously didn't want my support.LOL

[Lohengrin1979]

Perhaps it is bigvalboy. You're just to very comfortable when it comes to being around people who make you uncomfortable.

 

I get that.

 

So then, stop being the voice of the people of whom you choose to represent,

 

Somewhere along the line bigvalboy you really do need to just shut the fuck up. No?

 

Absolutely uncalled for. Really, people get to have their opinions no matter who starts the thread. I personally didn't see anything of the sort in BVB's comments. He was being helpful and facilitating discussion, which I believe is the goal of most, if not all, of us here. I sincerely hope you reconsider your words and apologize.

 

Lohengrin

[+ Shoreboy]

Whoa Kyle_K.....take a deep breath in......breath out.....relax and then apologize