How Do You Relate to An Ex?

[+ Lucky]

In Edmund White's latest novel, a gay man lusts for his straight friend. In the process, they have many discussions about the difference between gays and straights. One is on how you relate to an ex, whether an ex-boyfriend or an ex-girlfriend. Reading from the review in today's NYTimes of the novel, Jack Holmes and His Friend, this exchange is quoted:

 

Jack says to Will, “Straight people, as soon as they’ve broken up, it’s off with their heads.”

“And gays?”

“We stay friends. Why invest so much energy and time in another person and then just cut him out of your life forever? That’s the nasty, brutish way straights behave.”

“But it doesn’t mean anything to you gay guys — it’s all just a joke for you.”

“Not a joke,” Jack insists. “We’ve invested so much — ”

“Invested! But you’re defending your investments like a dry goods merchant.”

“And why do you straights gladly throw over everything you’ve achieved?”

“Love . . . isn’t an achievement. It’s like a sonata. Once you’ve finished playing it, nothing remains. Not even sounds in the air.”

“There are marks on the page someone else can follow,” Jack says.

 

 

 

How do you relate to an ex-boyfriend? Do you stay friends or do you go separate ways? And here, we are necessarily talking about relationships that have lasted a while, not short term fun.

 

For the review of the book, which looks pretty good, click here: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/29/books/review/jack-holmes-and-his-friend-by-edmund-white-book-review.html?pagewanted=2&ref=books

[seeker630]

How do you relate to an ex-boyfriend? Do you stay friends or do you go separate ways? And here, we are necessarily talking about relationships that have lasted a while, not short term fun.

 

I think it depends on how much you have in common and the different personalities involved, as well as the circumstance of the break-up.

 

One of my best friends (with whom I have dinner at least weekly) stared out as a boyfriend, but after a year, we both decided we wanted something 'more' than we had. We have now been friends for almost 30 years.

 

I tried to develop a friendship with another ex a few years after we broke up, but after one meeting (dinner), he declined further engagements.

[josephga]

We go our separate ways. I'm a all or nothing type of guy. I love deeply and hurt deeply. I can't be friends with an ex because I don't recover from the breakup until there's no future contact. Now this only applies to the type of ex where things just didn't workout or just grew apart. I will speak and be friendly toward them in a public setting and wish them well.Now if the persons a ex because they cheated on me no way in hell would I ever desire to see or speak too them ever again

[RockHard]

Men and women will never be equals. There are distinct differences between the sexes. Male-with-male relationships don't quite work the same way that male-with-female relationships work. IMO, given the nature of men, it's easier for gay male lovers to stay friends long after the lust is gone. I imagine the same is true for lesbians.

 

Maybe this has something to do with commonalities within a gender. When a straight man commits himself to a woman, he's not likely to maintain "friendships" with other women, that don't include his female partner. Most gay men would never give up a friend of either sex because he took on a new lover.

 

Of course, this is over-simplifying things quite a bit, but without writing a book, how do you fairly answer this question?

[jjkrkwood]

To answer the question, you need to know the dynamics of the relationship that existed, and if there is anything to be gained from continuing it after breakup. Some people FEAR letting go. Both parties really need to do some soul searching, and be on the same page with a decision. Noone can advise or answer this for them. Its between those 2 only.

[+ Charlie]

My first partner and I lived together for four years, and although I went directly from living with him to living with my current partner, I knew long before I met my current partner that the first relationship needed to end, and I think he understood that as well. We remained friendly but not close, and the break was helped by the fact that I moved to another city with my new partner. When my new partner and I returned to my original city a few years later, my first partner had moved on to a new career and new friends, and although we saw one another socially on occasion, we seemed more like casual old acquaintances than exes.

 

My first partner moved across country a year after my return, and I never saw him again. We exchanged a few letters over the next few years, and then lost touch altogether. From time to time mutual friends would pass on news about him, but for many years I was afraid to make an obvious effort to reconnect, fearing it might be misinterpreted. When I finally decided I wanted to renew the friendship, he had dropped from sight, and despite sporadic efforts over the last quarter century, I have been unable to locate him or find out what happened to him (all the mutual friends who had had contact with him died of AIDS). Now that I've mellowed with age, I would like to renew a relationship that was a very important part of my history, but I guess it won't happen.

[Bosguy]

My ex-partner and I ended our relationship in December of 2010 after 30 + years together. It was a mutual decision and we sold/split all our mutual assets and went on with our lives. The one common bond remaining is our wonderful buddy, Longfellow, so we do keep in touch. Even though he can be a total pain in the ass (he probably thinks the same of me), we had many memories (good and bad), so we remain a mutual support force as needed. I have moved on with my new life, but I fear he still holds on to the hope that the past will go away and we can start over again, but it cannot happen in my viewpoint.

 

Your past can never be erased, but people have to move on with their lives. Best of luck to all who have gone through or are going through this dilemna.

 

Stay positive!!!!!

 

Boston Bill

[+ Gar1eth]

My first partner and I lived together for four years, and although I went directly from living with him to living with my current partner, I knew long before I met my current partner that the first relationship needed to end, and I think he understood that as well. We remained friendly but not close, and the break was helped by the fact that I moved to another city with my new partner. When my new partner and I returned to my original city a few years later, my first partner had moved on to a new career and new friends, and although we saw one another socially on occasion, we seemed more like casual old acquaintances than exes.

 

My first partner moved across country a year after my return, and I never saw him again. We exchanged a few letters over the next few years, and then lost touch altogether. From time to time mutual friends would pass on news about him, but for many years I was afraid to make an obvious effort to reconnect, fearing it might be misinterpreted. When I finally decided I wanted to renew the friendship, he had dropped from sight, and despite sporadic efforts over the last quarter century, I have been unable to locate him or find out what happened to him (all the mutual friends who had had contact with him died of AIDS). Now that I've mellowed with age, I would like to renew a relationship that was a very important part of my history, but I guess it won't happen.

 

May I congratulate you- and commend you- and envy you on the longevity of your relationship.

 

Gman

[JT Brooklyn]

I always found that "Moving On" for most does mean becoming casual aquaintances IF you both remain in the same area...

[MrBigTL]

I have had 3 long term relationships over my lifetime and I stayed in touch with none of them. My latest lasted 8+ years and he left me for a woman who had just come out of a lesbian relationship. Of course though he didn't leave me until I actually caught him at it. So we don't really stay in touch, although every once in a while he will try and e-mail me, but my response generally causes those e-mails to be few and far between. We have been split up now for a little over 4 years, and that breakup probably ended my ever considering another long time relationship. The story is much longer, but I don't want to bore everyone here.

[+ Shoreboy]

I had a great relationship for 11 years and then we simply grew apart and mutually decided to stop being lovers.

 

We have come to realize that we are better friends than we were lovers!

[+ FreshFluff]

Lucky, thanks for posting about this book. I just downloaded it to my iPad.