What's A Guy To Do--Frustration is Nothing New

[+ Gar1eth]

So a few weeks ago I put profiles on Manhunt and Adam4Adam. The only response was from a Chubby younger guy. Then I joined OK Cupid. A hunky 35 year old contacted me and sounded like he might be interested in a relationship. But after 2 weeks of emailing he still wouldn't commit to a meeting- which seems to me must mean - his pictures were false- he's married- he has some strange fetish where he likes to make old unattractive guy's hearts go pitter patter in the hopes they will have a coronary, or my favorite supposition, he's an ax murderer who hasn't finished toying with his last victim yet so can't move on to me. David SF suggested going on Scruff. So I have. And what do I find but the young Chubby car-less guy again. I realize I am not G-d's gift to the gay world, but it's frustrating and lonely. David SF was kind enough to remind me that I shouldn't expect to get any more attractive even if I worked out a little- personally I agree with him. But to have someone say it out loud-- well the one sour note in an otherwise lovely evening with him.

 

So I feel like I am destined to be alone. I just wish I could accustom myself to this. It would certainly save me a lot of heart-ache.

 

G

[Zapped]

I don't know what David said to you, so I won't comment on that. Being attractive isn't necessarily the function of a certain external appearance--it's from your inner energy. Telling yourself and the world that you are "unattractive" really sets you up to not attract people. Sure, you may feel like you are "destined to be alone." That's just a feeling. It's not a real destiny. Your destiny is what you make it.

 

You say the situation is frustrating and lonely. Sounds like you're looking for friendship and companionship more than a hookup. So hookup sites are unlikely to produce what you're really looking for.

 

I don't know the circumstances of your life or what resources are in Cincinnati. Get involved in a LGBTQ organization, try the MCC or a gay-inclusive church (it's OK to go for the community and put up with the religious talk). Try an actual dating site--I don't know what ones are best. There's match.com, chemistry.com, etc. Make friends---and romance will show up when it will.

 

(I'm talking to myself here, too, so thanks for posting!)

[jjkrkwood]

I have been on MANY male hookup websites including Adam4Adam, Silverdaddies, etc for 11 years since the death of my longtime partner, AND have never met anyone from any site. Like you Gman, I make excuses and tell myself its because of my age, blah, blah, but lets face it, 11 years !!!!! Something else is going on here. Maybe its the fact that I dont do anal, maybe its the fact that I like leather ? I could go on and on. But then as a defense mechanism I think, "maybe its not me at all". Maybe noone is seriously looking to meet and these sites are merely places for guys to indulge in their fantasies, see whats around and who they can attract... Dont get me wrong, I do get tons of hits, it just never turns into anything, for multitudes of reasons like you live too far, my job is my priority, blah, blah........ dont beat yourself up about it Gman. It hard to transmit a good personality and sincere, loving heart via a website profile. I had a 22 year relationship with a wonderful man, and can tell you that being coupled is a "preferred" state for me, and YES, we are all scared to be alone, especially as we get older. Stay positive, if its meant to happen, IT WILL. In the meantime, get all the experience you can weeding out the LOSERS. They dont deserve your time.

[+ Gar1eth]

I appreciate the pep talk-- but it doesn't change the fact that I'm alone and have been that way 3/4 of my life. I don't even have any memories of my youth to sustain me. I didn't date women when I was younger because I wasn't attracted to them. But I was too scared to be gay. As I've said on here before my 1st sexual experience was at 41 with an escort and 99.9% of my experiences since then have also only been with escorts. I have never been on a date with another guy that I wasn't paying. But the additional factor- how at age 50 do you suddenly learn to date. Who around my age is going to be patient enough with me while I try to learn what everyone else learned about relationships in their 20's.

 

And if by some chance there is someone else like me out there- well I don't have much hope for 2 such dysfunctional people finding happiness. I despair of ever finding happiness. If anyone wants a perfect recipe for how to screw up your life by non-acceptance of who you are- all have to do is follow my life story.

 

Gman

[+ purplekow]

Gar have you considered a gay cruise or a gay vacation. You never will be 25 again so there are definitely men you will not get to fuck, on the other hand, try to maximize what you have. Gain some muscle or lose some weight, get a better haircut and

consider speaking with a professional dating assistant. Here is the big secret though, in order to change your life, you need to change your life. So if you are as unhappy as you express in these two posts, both of which I must admit have me concerned about your personal safety and as to whether you are considering something rash, then make a list as to what would make you happy and put together a plan to get it. By the way, I would cross David SF off of that list, though i like David, it seems he seriously misjudged your state of mind when he made the remarks which have stung you so much. On the other hand, if a sting was needed to get you moving toward a better you, at some point you may need to thank him. As far as having sex with attractive men, they need to be attractive to you and that means opening up your own definition, getting past the superficial and getting to know them and finding those qualities which make them attractive.

[JoeyBryant]

So a few weeks ago I put profiles on Manhunt and Adam4Adam.

 

Oh God...I'm dealing with precisely the same thing right now and I'm attractive enough to get paid for it! I spoke about the very subject in my blog yesterday. How I've pretty much accepted a temporary defeat and am embracing being single. There's really only so much you can do and when you've done all you can you just have to put it on the back burner and say, "this is not important to me right now". What else can I be doing instead of putting my energy into this BULL crap?

 

I recently ceased my personal adam4adam profile and paid $30 for an adam4adam pro ad which to my surprise, paid off almost immediately. My escort sense told me to stop wasting my time with idiots and start focusing on clients and only clients for right now.

 

Many of these sites for gay dating are full of crap. They attract people who are full of crap and the site does nothing about the crap because they don't give a crap. In fact, 1 site; called connexion.org is closing down after 8 years. I've used it for 9 months and have only met a handful of NUTS from there. And barely anyone at that. The site did nothing to make people stand out. They slop up 50 million profiles with tiny thumbnail photos on 1 page and expect you to be found. I run into people who can't commit to meeting, are just in to hookup, tell me they have a boyfriend but then 2 weeks later they deny ever telling me the person was their boyfriend. I've heard it all.

 

I'm in the position that I really don't care right now. I've done all that I could and it's not really in my control. I rather spend my time with people who are going to pay to meet up rather than waste my energy with someone who's going to irritate me for free.

 

But on the flip side, I still go out and mingle anyway. Even though I'm jaded I still went out, forgot about it and picked up a couple guy's numbers anyway. And I agree with PK that unfortunately, looks mean a lot. Sometimes there's things that have to be changed in order to meet the right people. Don't just do it for 1 person though. Do it because you know you want to change it. Right now I'm in the process of some dental restoration that has costed me a pretty penny, but I know that once it's done I'll be at a different level. But I'm not doing it for any 1 person because I'm single. I'm doing it because I want to look a certain way for many people. So if a few decide to bail, I'll still have plenty of other guys lined up who'll appreciate it.

[jawjateck]

Gman....I wish I could send some cheer your way, or ease your burden, but like others, I don't have the answers to the complicated issues of life, lust, love, and loneliness. I'm just another pilgrim groping to find my way in this mad mad mad mad world. I dated women in college and through my 20s, and really got tired of 'em. All the relationships were bad and I was treated as an ATM for the most part. So I wrote off women. In my early 30s, I couldn't deny my attraction to guys, so I gave 'em a try, through Hooville, of course, and the lust and chase for hot guys is fun, but certainly not fulfilling in any meaningful way. It's a hobby to me, nothing more. Soon after trying a couple of escorts, I used gay.com and cl to try to connect with other guys without purchasing their time. I quickly found it to be a huge waste of effort, and to me, and I emphasize...to me, I found that guys are worse relationally than women. So, I concluded that I was really a loner, a single guy, and I would need to embrace my singleness, or drive myself crazy. It's really true....I'm a happy single guy, and enjoy my freedom and the massive doses of "me" time that I require to function successfully. If I were interested in pursuing a relationship, I would probably feel the way you do. A4A and similar websites are useless except for guys doing "quickies". Many guys aren't even interested in your name, just top or bottom, hung or average, safe or bb, blah blah blah. They are not worthy of you. Even though I try to eat right and work out, the years are taking their toll on me; my doc says my internal health stats are very good (bp, sugar, cholesterol, etc) but my outer man is declining. Honestly, I haven't met many men whose first impression is about my heart or my kindness or my compassion; most men I meet check me out for physical beauty (or lack thereof) and the cash in my wallet. Not bitching; that's just the way it is in my world.

 

I offer this suggestion to you.....A wonderful relationship can and may happen for you, but it's not happening right now, so find a cause or charity that you can invest yourself into it. Not only is it a great way to interact with other people, and help other people, but it develops relationship skills, as you invest in something you love. Developing a new passion outside the world of men is healthy. While you fret about what you don't have, people who need you are being deprived of you. I have been very involved in a charitable foundation for years, and it has become my real passion. It has taken me all over the world, and I love it. I encourage you not to live to be gay, but live to make a difference, and I hope you find your real passion too.

[josephga]

welcome to the world of gay dating. Just about everyone I know has the same experiences on those sites. to allot of people its just a game. Because its on line they don't view you as a real person. I personally like people that are blunt and direct like saying thanks but no thanks when you contact them but most don't work that way. most if not interested will block you, or never return emails the old silent treatment. Then there's those low self esteem types looking for a ego stroke who will talk it up for weeks who really have no intentions of meeting. then if you do meet someone on one of those sites they are so addicted to that shit they won't give it up once you get serious.

I had a profile on match com for 3 months and met no one. same thing with scruff. Had a profile on grindr since april met only 2 people. Couple of years ago I knew a guy that escorted here in Atlanta he told me he had never had a bf and was constantly getting shot down by guys. He said it was funny that he could sell it but couldn't give it away.

[jjkrkwood]

I agree with Jaw, you should live your life with NO regrets, and focus on making your life have a meaning. Yes, having a partner could be a nice addition but you cant "force" it. Things happen when they happen, and most people meet partners just going thru the course of their daily lifes intetractions. Volunteering is a wonderfiul way to "give" to people and have them "give back" to you. After my lover died, and I was devastated, I started volunteering for the Gay Center in NYC. I met alot of wonderful guys, and NOT under the pretense of having sex with them. In some cases it DID turn into sex, but that was just an added bonus. As far as working on your appearance, of course this can always be helpful as there is a definate focus on attractiveness, but you have to do it for YOURSELF. It doesnt mean you will find the love of your life, but does mean you will be happier with yourself which will increase your self esteem and presentation to others. As most of your "GUY" experience has been with escorts it is important to realize that you probably wont find "escort caliber" guys in your real life travels. Maybe, but dont count on it. Always be realistic in your expectations. If we all could meet "escort caliber" guys in real life, hiring wouldnt exist. Just opt for a nice guy that you are attracted to in some ways, and with whom you share things in common. A relationship can be a great reward, BUT its not the bed of roses you might think. It takes work, and it isnt for Everyone. Dont feel pressured and Incomplete because you are alone. You can be a Whole, enriched person ALL BY YOURSELF...

[jimboivyo]

what are you expecting to find from sites like that? if you really want to find someone, stop hiring escorts and making 'love for sale' so easy. with the way you keep talking, you're destined to lead a life of being miserable if you don't change your expectations and attitude.

[josephga]

manhunt, adam4adam grindr and scruff are not the place too find someone to date seriously. those are sex sites. meet fuck move on lol

ive seen ads with guys claiming looking for friends that bull shit they are only fooling themselves you don't look for friends on a sex site. especially these guys claiming to be monogamously partnered.

[leigh.bess.toad]

Gman -- I'm probably the last guy who should be giving you advice (and maybe the last guy you want to hear from ). You know my story. Sometimes, I think so much of life is just a crapshoot and luck plays such an enormous factor in our lives. As the line from Pippin says "It's smarter to be lucky than it's lucky to be smart". I certainly fall in the lucky category Yes, we can be a somewhat shallow lot, although that is not solely a gay trait -- it's human nature. Working out and getting in better shape, if not only for attracting a mate/date/someone, but also for yourself, helps. I know I feel better after I've gotten in much better shape. But luck plays such an enormous part in things.

 

I've hooked up with a few guys on A4A and Manhunt, but they were nothing more than quickies. But finding my bf was pure luck. I only rarely looked at CL, but for some reason I did one day. And saw an ad from a guy who said he was "looking for something more". For some reason I answered. I really wasn't looking for a relationship -- at least I didn't think so. Now 3+ months later, I'm in love with the guy and am hoping for the long term future with him. What made me look at CL that day I have no idea. It was pure luck.

 

All I know is that you have to put yourself out there and maybe, just maybe, you might find someone. Volunteering at a community organization is a great way to get out. Even though I didn't meet my guy there, I am still volunteering at our Gay Community Center. Even just going to events -- concerts, shows, whatever -- gets you out there.

 

Like I said, I'm probably not the model because I know I have been luckier than anyone I know. I don't know what I've done to deserve such luck. But I thank my lucky stars for it every day.

[+ friendofsheila]

manhunt, adam4adam grindr and scruff are not the place too find someone to date seriously. those are sex sites. meet fuck move on lol

ive seen ads with guys claiming looking for friends that bull shit they are only fooling themselves you don't look for friends on a sex site. especially these guys claiming to be monogamously partnered.

 

I had this suspicion in the back of my head for a long time. I'm glad to hear someone else thinks so.

 

A (straight) friend recommends one of those pay sites like match dot com where the people must fill out a long survey to get matches. This keeps out the yahoo's and the wanna-fuk's.

[josephga]

I paid 82.00 for 90 days on match com. and met zero people ive talked with others that had the same results. 3 guys emailed me talked 3 or 4 times but never had time to met for dinner or coffee. one guy talked with me on the phone said we would go out soon as he got back from Florida on vacation. he texted me daily from Florida but once he returned nothing. never heard from him again. one guy finally met for coffee he told me the problem was allot of gay men have been hurt in the past and it made them jaded and they were scared too put themselves out there. they will talk for days on end but once its time too meet will back off. they get scared and decided having nothings better than the pain of rejection or a failed relationship. ive heard this a few times since moving to atl. Also after its done to you a few times you turn into the same type of guys your complaining about. lol thats how the cycle was explained to me.

[+ David-SF]

Perception such a tricky thing

 

I dont post on this board much anymore for this very reason.

I am frustrated right now for many reasons but nothing gets me more upset than to be misquoted or misunderstood.

 

This seemly hopeless state of mind that GMAN finds himself in was met with honest and compassionate fun loving exchange.

I shared with him the idea of trying new things his response was:

"it wont work"

I shared with him that changing his way of thinking about his current situation.

Try looking for more positive messages to say to himself and express to others

and not live in a state of hopeless self talk.

His response was.

"I hate the idea of the power positive thinking its a lie"

 

I even suggested as has been suggested here about going to gay events his response was

"I hate being in a crowd of people and feeling alone"

 

Soooo at this point told him if he didnt change his perspective it would not matter if he lost weight or went to the gym.

 

It's the idea that the sky is falling and I am not worthy of a relationship that slams the door closed on ever having one.

 

While I may seem to be conveying a heartless idea here (which I am not).

 

The work begins on the INSIDE no matter how hard or beautiful you are no matter how much money or power you have have.

 

If you dont have a relationship with GMAN 1st then you cant have a relationship with tom dick or harry .....

OK you can but it wont mean its a healthy one and it wont FIX YOU.

 

I will share something here about myself: Years ago

I was younger I did not feel attractive. (skinny bad hair bad teeth low low self image)

I was so lonely I wanted to be with anyone that would be with me. I would have settled for a complete jerk or nut case just to have someone say they cared about me. (and I did many times)

It was always the same story I did not like who I was so I attracted men that did not like who they were. You can not imagine the drama that ensued.

 

(GMAN stop saying and thinking right now " I would settle for a guy that doesnt like himself" LOL because I know that thought just crossed your mind )

 

GMAN I care about you and I want only what is absolutely the very best for you.

 

I think you know if I could find and deliver Mr right to your door I would do it right this very minute.

But the truth is Mr right is already there and you have to see that Mr right is GMAN and all the others need to come to the table and qualify.

Set your standards to meet your needs and accept no less

 

When you change the message that you keep repeating to yourself and others your perspective will change.

I know its hard we train ourselves from day one to believe in things and become our story.

 

REWRITE YOUR STORY!!!!

 

Start looking at things you cant possibly believe are true and open your mind and heart. Trust me a little goes a long way.

 

While many folks will say hogwash I say "hey if the outlook is really that bad then what do you have to lose"

 

I could have sat there and joined in your story confirmed all your worst ideas and said how sad it is that the world cant see what a great guy you are.

 

Instead .... Because I care .... I did not accept your story. I gave you my honest feedback.

I felt connected with you enough to be honest I thought our kinship to one another over the long period of time deserved authentic dialog.

 

I know things will change for you becuase you want them to. I am very proud that you are taking this journey as it will bring you much happiness.

Like all good story writers you get to choose how it ends.

Make it a good one

[jimboivyo]

no one was fingering you as the bad guy. no need for the long explanation. the need to defend yourself is not needed at all. not on this at least.

[+ Gar1eth]

My Apologies to David SF!!!!

 

He says he didn't say what I thought he did. I probably misinterpreted what he did say. It was late and I was tired after a bout of great sex.

 

Gman

[+ Gar1eth]

Gman -- I'm probably the last guy who should be giving you advice (and maybe the last guy you want to hear from ). You know my story. Sometimes, I think so much of life is just a crapshoot and luck plays such an enormous factor in our lives. As the line from Pippin says "It's smarter to be lucky than it's lucky to be smart". I certainly fall in the lucky category Yes, we can be a somewhat shallow lot, although that is not solely a gay trait -- it's human nature. Working out and getting in better shape, if not only for attracting a mate/date/someone, but also for yourself, helps. I know I feel better after I've gotten in much better shape. But luck plays such an enormous part in things.

 

I've hooked up with a few guys on A4A and Manhunt, but they were nothing more than quickies. But finding my bf was pure luck. I only rarely looked at CL, but for some reason I did one day. And saw an ad from a guy who said he was "looking for something more". For some reason I answered. I really wasn't looking for a relationship -- at least I didn't think so. Now 3+ months later, I'm in love with the guy and am hoping for the long term future with him. What made me look at CL that day I have no idea. It was pure luck.

 

All I know is that you have to put yourself out there and maybe, just maybe, you might find someone. Volunteering at a community organization is a great way to get out. Even though I didn't meet my guy there, I am still volunteering at our Gay Community Center. Even just going to events -- concerts, shows, whatever -- gets you out there.

 

Like I said, I'm probably not the model because I know I have been luckier than anyone I know. I don't know what I've done to deserve such luck. But I thank my lucky stars for it every day.

 

I guess that's my problem Leigh. I want to get lucky like what I hear your average gay man does. Don't get me wrong. I'd probably like a steady relationship too. But there is something to be said for a casual F-Buddy too. I was relooking at a picture of myself when I was 20 recently. I wasn't half bad. I think I could have found someone willing to show me the ropes so to speak- of course considering that was 1980, I'm thinking that there is a good chance I might have caught AIDs. So because of my fears, I stayed safe, alive, and lonely. So I seemed to have missed my chance.

 

Gman

[+ David-SF]

No defense taken

 

no one was fingering you as the bad guy. no need for the long explanation. the need to defend yourself is not needed at all. not on this at least.

 

I believe my post was way less about me defending myself and more about supporting GMAN on his journey.

 

I realize my writing skills are lacking greatly and it may have been difficult for you to read my entire post.

Hence the jump to such a conclusion.

 

Its information that is worth repeating.

So I took the opportunity here. Seemed logical

Of course you are free to read into it what you will.

 

 

As is the case here no matter what is posted on this forum.

[+ Gar1eth]

Please Stop The Thread

 

I didnt realize this thread would get so large when I wrote it. It's basically true, but I was also tired and hypoglycemic when I wrote it because I hadn't eaten anything all day- advanced state of ketosis. I have just woken up today, so I've only had a chance to skim through it. I will go back later to read the posts in depth. In spite of what I sounded like on the post, usually I'm a fairly even keeled person during the day. I get lonely at night and frustrated and being hypoglycemic when I wrote it didn't help.

 

I'm appreciative of all the suggestions. And again let me state 'in person' that David is a very nice man, very supportive, and I totally misinterpreted the conversation.

 

As for ending this thread I think it's best. There are a lot of good suggestions for me to go through on it so far. I don't know how I would ever really be able to absorb too many more.

 

And at the end of this thread, I want to APOLOGIZE to David. I'm sorry for misinterpreting and doubly sorry for bringing his name into it at all. It was bad judgment from hypoglycemia on my part. No one should shy away from hiring him due to my post. He is a great guy both in and out of bed. He gave me the socks off his feet when I needed them ( we couldn't find mine when I was going to leave)-- actually it was the socks out of his suitcase- but you get the idea. I'm sure if I had been missing a shirt he would have loaned me that too.

 

G

[jjkrkwood]

I paid 82.00 for 90 days on match com. and met zero people ive talked with others that had the same results. 3 guys emailed me talked 3 or 4 times but never had time to met for dinner or coffee. one guy talked with me on the phone said we would go out soon as he got back from Florida on vacation. he texted me daily from Florida but once he returned nothing. never heard from him again. one guy finally met for coffee he told me the problem was allot of gay men have been hurt in the past and it made them jaded and they were scared too put themselves out there. they will talk for days on end but once its time too meet will back off. they get scared and decided having nothings better than the pain of rejection or a failed relationship. ive heard this a few times since moving to atl. Also after its done to you a few times you turn into the same type of guys your complaining about. lol thats how the cycle was explained to me.

My theory is that people are just curious to see WHO they can attract. They really dont wanna meet you. Its just a self-centered excercise.

[jjkrkwood]

I believe my post was way less about me defending myself and more about supporting GMAN on his journey.

 

David, sometimes "less is more" and advice is futile when it falls on deaf ears. Your compassion and dedication to helping and advising GMAN, is honorable, but the more I read from HIM, the more I realize that he is not ready for any change, regardless of what he says. Some people say things for attentions, or want sympathy, but are not willing to help themselves. Everthing you said in your previous Ode to Gman is true. Although he is blaming his original posting to the effects of hypoglycemia during his session with you, I can only imagine that the effect of that has continued since current posting are still "woeful" and hopeless.... As Cher said in Moonstruck "SNAP OUT OF IT" GMAN.... You attitude is a downer. Once you fix that, it will be a Whole new world....

[jjkrkwood]

I guess that's my problem Leigh. I want to get lucky like what I hear your average gay man does.

 

Your perception of Gay life is totally off base Gman. The average gay man does not get lucky. In fact MOST are not in relationships. Yes they find sex, but relationships are hard to achieve.

I know, I had one for 22 years.... Anyone can find sex if they want. I always see guys that dont fit the model of attractivness with guys i would kill to be with. I say to myself "How do they do that" ?? and then I realize its doesnt become all about sex. Obviously they guy has "something" that his partner likes and enjoys, whether it be his company or personality. Once you are comfortable with a person, the sex becomes better and fun....

[josephga]

Your perception of Gay life is totally off base Gman. The average gay man does not get lucky. In fact MOST are not in relationships. Yes they find sex, but relationships are hard to achieve.

I know, I had one for 22 years.... Anyone can find sex if they want. I always see guys that dont fit the model of attractivness with guys i would kill to be with. I say to myself "How do they do that" ?? and then I realize its doesnt become all about sex. Obviously they guy has "something" that his partner likes and enjoys, whether it be his company or personality. Once you are comfortable with a person, the sex becomes better and fun....

 

you are right. finding a match for a relationship is very hard added to that i'm only interested in a monogamous one adds to the difficulty. But your right getting sex or just getting laid is simple unless you live in a very rural area

[orbital sander]

I think that meeting people face to face is the best way to make connections...not the computer or dating / fucking sites (unless you are looking for just sex). There are churches, gay men's discussion groups, bowling leagues, basketball clubs, theater groups, book clubs, and many other non-traditional ways to meet gay men...you just have to be willing to get out there are work through it, it is not going to come to you.

 

Good luck and stay well