The Best Roommate Wanted Ad Ever??

[leigh.bess.toad]

Would you share a room with this guy?

 

 

$1000 Best. Roommate. Ever.

Date: 2011-08-18, 3:39PM PDT

Reply to: [email protected] [Errors when replying to ads?]

Konichiwa bitches. Are you looking for the most kick-ass fucking roommate that ever lived? If so, look no further. You fucking found him. I'm a 25-year-old professional marketing agent with experience at bad-ass companies in New York Fucking City. That's right! What you know about experience? I graduated from Auburn University in Alabama, and moved to NYC at the ripe, tender age of 22. After deciding that New York was a stinky shit-hole, I moved back to Alabama to cultivate more professional experience. Why? So I can make millions of dollars and not have to post shit like this on Craigslist.

 

Anyway, so I landed this job with a marketing firm in San Francisco, and I have no fucking clue where to live. Honestly, I'm moving there in 3 weeks, so I don't give a shit if I have to sleep in your bathtub.

 

A bit about me: I'm respectful, quiet, clean and I won't bother any of your shit. If you leave shit out, I'm just like, "Oh fuck I better not mess with this shit, because it's not mine." I turn off lights. I clean toilets. Fuck it. I'll even cook for you. That's right! My dad is a chef and taught me everything there is to know about cooking southern cajun cuisine. I'll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat and smother that shit in bearnaise. EVERY. GODDAMN. NIGHT. Don't eat meat? That's fucking FANTASTIC! I'll make a zucchini and yellow squash carpaccio that will knock your fucking socks off.

 

I also read a lot. I fucking LOVE books. Vonnegut, Palahniuk, Hawthorne. All that shit. I read Tuesday's with Morrie the other day. It's a sad story, but I learned something about life, love, knowledge and the pursuit of something greater than myself. Fucking smart. Do you like movies? I fucking love them. We can watch the shit out of some movies together if you like, or go get drinks, or work out, hike, play video games or play a game of one-on-one basketball, or I don't have to talk to you at all. It's completely UP TO YOU!

 

Sometimes I play guitar. Are you going to love getting baked and listening to Bob Dylan and Pink Floyd? LIVE? WHENEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT? Of course you are! I'll take requests and learn any song you like, because I have the voice of an angel and the acoustical stylings of James Fucking Taylor. AWWWWWW SHIT YEA!

 

A lot of people ask me, "Hey, you're from Alabama. Are you racist?" And, the answer to that question is, no. I'm not racist or judgmental at all. I love everyone. I'm a secular humanist. I FUCKING LOVE PEOPLE. That's the only requirement to being a secular humanist actually. You have to like other human beings and want to help them for no other reason than they are human regardless of race, religion or sexual preference. WTF?!!!? Pretty fucking cool right?

 

I own almost nothing! I'm driving my car from Alabama to California in which I'll be transporting two duffelbags of clothes, one laptop computer, one guitar, one cell-phone with charger, 8 pairs of shoes, one picture frame, probably some condoms and a shitload of beef jerky and Pringles for the trip. Though, you can expect the jerky to be gone upon my arrival. Unless you'd like me to pick up some on my way into the city. See?! I'm the most considerate person you've ever met. I'm offering to buy you shit already!

 

Am I interested in your pad? You can bet my nomadic ass I am! I only require 4 walls, a ceiling and a floor to shelter me from the elements. Other than that, anything else will be considered a convenient plus. I'm taking being a roommate to the next level. Email me! I'll hook yo ass up with Facebook links, background checks, credit reports, phone numbers, resumes, references, awards, sexual history, pictures of karate trophies and a list of the top 10 women I'd like to bang before I die. If you want a next-generation roommate who consistently blows your fucking mind with awesomeness, then hit me up. I'm ready to give you money.

[MsGuy]

Oh. My. God.

 

No.

[+ sam.fitzpatrick]

If he landed a job with a Marketing firm and wrote this ad, then the job must be in the accounting department.

[JT Brooklyn]

I'm thinking this dude should stay in Alabama! His AD gives me a headache can you imagine what he's like in Person!

[+ beethoven]

I think that either this is a fraternity initiation, a scavenger hunt, or he lost a bet. Or he's a really sick dude, and exhibits one of that long list of fetishes that appeared here recently.

[zeferrelli]

i think it is great! I'd give him a room.

[+ Gar1eth]

If it's real--while I don't want him as a roomie--I'd really like to meet him.

 

Gman

[leigh.bess.toad]

If it's real--while I don't want him as a roomie--I'd really like to meet him.

 

Gman

 

Well youve got the email address in the text. This is from a SF Craigslist ad. Now if it it's genuine, who knows.

[MsGuy]

His AD gives me a headache can you imagine what he's like in Person!

 

Exactly, BG, exactly.

[rvwnsd]

I think it is very clever. I don't know that I would want him as a roommate, but I've never been much for roommates nor am I 25.

[nate_sf]

Something makes me think the same person placed the ad I'm pasting below. Or maybe somebody with just a similar sense of humor. In that case the guy looking for the place to live should apply to rent this $1200 living room:

 

$1200 YOU WANT TO LIVE HERE! (hayes valley)

Date: 2011-08-19, 7:47PM PDT

Reply to: [email protected] [Errors when replying to ads?]

About the room: Huge converted living room with lots of built in shelving, great sunlight, beautiful oak wood trimmings, privacy doors, personal kitchen entrance... did i mention HUGE? It's 20ft long and 11ft wide which - if my calculations are correct - that equals HUGE... damn, it's bigger than most yoga studios in the area: you can vinyasa your ass silly or if you like decorating you can give yourself an aneurysm thinking of all the possibilities.You also get a fireplace and the ability to be located above a hip, Hayes Valley cafe at NO EXTRA CHARGE!

 

You like pretentious, hipster coffee houses with tree stump seats and organic, fair trade, gluten free whatever? There are like 7 of these within 300 yards of your front door; you'll be the envy of your communist/capitalist friends and think of the work you'll get done with all that caffeine!!!. The best butcher in the city is down the street(Fatted Calf) and every Wednesday they have a happy hour where they cut up a whole pig right on a slab in front of you while stuffing appetizers in your face(get there early for the entrails!) . Reasonably priced sushi across the street, cool bars and restaurants down Hayes all the way to Van Ness, Octavia park a block away with large, rustic, steel femdom art hovering above the playground as children and spoiled dogs frolic, crazy people talk to and feed pigeons, and all types of people sit around the grassy area pretending to write or fiddle with their IPhones in a desperate effort to be noticed, while hot guys and gals buy Smitten Ice Creme(they make that shit by hand using nitrogen or something) across the street. Dark Garden is down the alley for all your custom corset needs and the original Blue Bottle is right next door in case you just have to have the best $5 chocolate mocha around while being treated like you're just not good enough(that girl doesn't work there anymore - or at least i haven't seen her in a while), Ritual coffee just opened shop and there is a different lunch wagon(Last one was Bacon Bacon!!) there every day. A huge beer garden is in the works and should be done by the end of the month, and avoiding puke puddles on a single speed should be making its way to the Olympics sometime soon... i could go on and on about this areas walking score of 666 out of 100 and it's general awesomeness, but i'm sure you're a very busy person.

 

About the roommates: You'll be living in paradise with a personal trainer, a teacher, and a smut peddler/entrepreneur; we(two guys and a girl) are all very chill, 420 friendly, respectful of keeping clean our common areas, and fairly quiet after midnight Sunday to Thursday... The best way to get to know us a bit is to come to our open house(more detailed info at the end of this post) this Saturday from 4pm to 6pm... BYOB ;-) After some mingling we'll call you back sooner than later and set up some more quality time to get to know each other and see if we can all live happily ever after.

 

We'd like to make a friend (any age, race, gender, it's all good)and not just a roommate and prefer someone who wont cower into their room like a frightened hobbit at the site of a housemate... you can look like a hobbit - it's all good - just be cool and enjoy the good company of those you'll be sharing a toilet, shower and kitchen with. The tub/shower and sing are located in one room, with a toilet located in another - which means you can take long showers without giving other people urinary tract infections and/or stained unmentionables...The kitchen is the only common area, but it's pretty large and comfy. Partying is all good, but balance is key: our last roommate made Ying and Yang look like a rodent in a fetish crush film and things spiraled out of control fast.

 

The room is $1200, with a $1200 security deposit and a $250 cleaning deposit; that's $2650 to get your ass in here. A credit report is necessary, but we are totally understanding of individual circumstances and a steady paycheck/source of income(students welcome) is far more important than a high score.

 

So be here at 518 Laguna St. in Hayes Valley between 4-6 pm this Saturday 8/20/11. the front gate and door will be open... feel free to BYOB or whatever and we look forward to meeting you!

 

PS: Sorry the room isn't clean, but the guy who's moving out is a PIG...hence one of the reasons why he's out!!!!!

[RexAll]

Something makes me think the same person placed the ad I'm pasting below. Or maybe somebody with just a similar sense of humor. In that case the guy looking for the place to live should apply to rent this $1200 living room:

 

$1200 YOU WANT TO LIVE HERE! (hayes valley)

Date: 2011-08-19, 7:47PM PDT

Reply to: [email protected] [Errors when replying to ads?]

About the room: Huge converted living room with lots of built in shelving, great sunlight, beautiful oak wood trimmings, privacy doors, personal kitchen entrance... did i mention HUGE? It's 20ft long and 11ft wide which - if my calculations are correct - that equals HUGE... damn, it's bigger than most yoga studios in the area: you can vinyasa your ass silly or if you like decorating you can give yourself an aneurysm thinking of all the possibilities.You also get a fireplace and the ability to be located above a hip, Hayes Valley cafe at NO EXTRA CHARGE!

 

You like pretentious, hipster coffee houses with tree stump seats and organic, fair trade, gluten free whatever? There are like 7 of these within 300 yards of your front door; you'll be the envy of your communist/capitalist friends and think of the work you'll get done with all that caffeine!!!. The best butcher in the city is down the street(Fatted Calf) and every Wednesday they have a happy hour where they cut up a whole pig right on a slab in front of you while stuffing appetizers in your face(get there early for the entrails!) . Reasonably priced sushi across the street, cool bars and restaurants down Hayes all the way to Van Ness, Octavia park a block away with large, rustic, steel femdom art hovering above the playground as children and spoiled dogs frolic, crazy people talk to and feed pigeons, and all types of people sit around the grassy area pretending to write or fiddle with their IPhones in a desperate effort to be noticed, while hot guys and gals buy Smitten Ice Creme(they make that shit by hand using nitrogen or something) across the street. Dark Garden is down the alley for all your custom corset needs and the original Blue Bottle is right next door in case you just have to have the best $5 chocolate mocha around while being treated like you're just not good enough(that girl doesn't work there anymore - or at least i haven't seen her in a while), Ritual coffee just opened shop and there is a different lunch wagon(Last one was Bacon Bacon!!) there every day. A huge beer garden is in the works and should be done by the end of the month, and avoiding puke puddles on a single speed should be making its way to the Olympics sometime soon... i could go on and on about this areas walking score of 666 out of 100 and it's general awesomeness, but i'm sure you're a very busy person.

 

About the roommates: You'll be living in paradise with a personal trainer, a teacher, and a smut peddler/entrepreneur; we(two guys and a girl) are all very chill, 420 friendly, respectful of keeping clean our common areas, and fairly quiet after midnight Sunday to Thursday... The best way to get to know us a bit is to come to our open house(more detailed info at the end of this post) this Saturday from 4pm to 6pm... BYOB ;-) After some mingling we'll call you back sooner than later and set up some more quality time to get to know each other and see if we can all live happily ever after.

 

We'd like to make a friend (any age, race, gender, it's all good)and not just a roommate and prefer someone who wont cower into their room like a frightened hobbit at the site of a housemate... you can look like a hobbit - it's all good - just be cool and enjoy the good company of those you'll be sharing a toilet, shower and kitchen with. The tub/shower and sing are located in one room, with a toilet located in another - which means you can take long showers without giving other people urinary tract infections and/or stained unmentionables...The kitchen is the only common area, but it's pretty large and comfy. Partying is all good, but balance is key: our last roommate made Ying and Yang look like a rodent in a fetish crush film and things spiraled out of control fast.

 

The room is $1200, with a $1200 security deposit and a $250 cleaning deposit; that's $2650 to get your ass in here. A credit report is necessary, but we are totally understanding of individual circumstances and a steady paycheck/source of income(students welcome) is far more important than a high score.

 

So be here at 518 Laguna St. in Hayes Valley between 4-6 pm this Saturday 8/20/11. the front gate and door will be open... feel free to BYOB or whatever and we look forward to meeting you!

 

PS: Sorry the room isn't clean, but the guy who's moving out is a PIG...hence one of the reasons why he's out!!!!!

 

Knowing nothing about San Francisco- is this a good area? I mean why would I want to pay 1200 to rent a room that hasn't been cleaned. And I'm not 420 friendly. I don't think I mind the effect so much, but I can't stand the smell. I think I'd be a lot more 420 friendly if if came in pill form ( yes I know about Marinol).

 

Rex

[+ Archer]

Regarding the first ad

 

Should I expect loads of "fucking shit" or "shit fucking"?

 

The truly sad part is, he writes the way my nephew speaks.

[fedssocr1]

if he's anything in real life like that ad, I'd probably kill him within a month. He sounds wayyyy too hyper. By 25 he ought to be a bit more mature. But it sounds like some sort of marketing exercise gone bad.