Remember "Hollywood Squares"?

[justaguy]

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

 

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

 

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

 

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

 

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

 

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

 

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

 

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

 

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

 

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

 

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

 

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

 

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

 

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..

 

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

 

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

 

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

 

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

 

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

 

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

[leigh.bess.toad]

Thanks JAG. That really was a collection of great old comedians -- Paule Lynde, Charley Weaver, Rose Marie, George Gobel. And don't forget Wally Cox -- my favorite, who voiced Underdog. Their kind shall not pass this way again. And we certainly were lucky to be able to enjoy them while they were with us. Thanks for the reminder of the early days of Hollywood Squares.

[Poolboy21409]

Justaguy-made my morning. I am saving this in my "joke" file. I bet Charles Nelson Reilly had some zingers also.

 

Keep them coming.

 

PB

[BigAppleJay]

Today's comic writers should watch some of these older programs to learn how to craft laughs instead of relying on crude, rude and bathroom oriented jokes.

[daviddd49]

Q. How does a woman keep her bosom from sagging?

A. Paul Lynde: Pierced ears and two pieces of string.

[adriano46]

I agree with all those who commented. Twenty or thirty years ago, these commedians and commediennes were so much more entertaining and hilarious than the ones we see on cable these days who can only out-potty mouth each other with really crass and uncomfortable comments, often too ascerbic to be ironic or even funny.

 

Re-reading each and every comment here, they were truly funny, double-entendre jokes that only poked fun at the commedien -- what a strong talent. I used to watch Holyywood Squares just waiting for one or another of these greats to come out with something really funny. Paul Lynde was a favorite but all the ones mentioned were and remain GREAT.

[Boink]

Not to take away from those great old comedians, but Hollywood Squares (questions and answers) was ALWAYS scripted from day one. And back in the day, I used to loathe THE MATCH GAME precisely because of their 'crude, rude and bathroom oriented jokes'.

[leigh.bess.toad]

Not to take away from those great old comedians, but Hollywood Squares (questions and answers) was ALWAYS scripted from day one. And back in the day, I used to loathe THE MATCH GAME precisely because of their 'crude, rude and bathroom oriented jokes'.

 

Boink -- you are correct -- they were scripted. And I felt the same way about the Match Game.

 

But earlier posts had mentioned double entendres and Charles Nelson Reilly. And I witnessed confluence of the two which may have been one of the best in TV history -- and it may have been accidental:

 

For the young 'uns out there, there used to be a show on TV called Queen for a Day. It was truly sad because ladies would get up and tell these heart wrenching stories about problems in their lives and, the winner had her wishes granted, she was crowned Queen for a Day, to the musical accompaniment of Pomp and Circumstance, and got a fabulous package of prizes. Or as the quote from wikipedia says: "Mark Evanier, veteran television writer, has dubbed it "one of the most ghastly shows ever produced" and further stated it was "tasteless, demeaning to women, demeaning to anyone who watched it, cheap, insulting and utterly degrading to the human spirit.""

 

Now of course Pomp and Circumstance is also a traditional piece of music played at graduation ceremonies as well. Well, when I was in college, in a music conservatory, in the mid '70's we had a special guest lecturer for a year in drama -- Charles Nelson Reilly. He really was a extraordinarily nice man. He was very generous of his time and gracious with all the students. However, he was particularly taken with the singing ability of one of my best friends. And so, at his expense, he took her with him to Hollywood to appear on all the big TV talk shows of the day. She did do the Tonight Show, and I think Dinah Shore and maybe one or two others. But the last show she was on was the Merv Griffin show. So we had a couple dozen of us crammed into our dorm room staring at a small portable black and white TV watching her last show on TV. But before CNR came out, Griffin was giving an introduction of him talking about his work as a Professor at our school. And in honor of him being a Professor, as he walked out from behind the curtain, the band played Pomp and Circumstance.

 

I’m not sure if he intended it. But the Musical Director of the show just planted one of the great double entendres in TV history. Because the first thing that popped into my head with Charles Nelson Reilly walking out was "OMG. That's the theme to Queen for a Day".

 

Of course with CNR it was for more than a day.

[KMEM]

LOL.

 

Best regards,

KMEM

[zeferrelli]

hilarious! thanks

[+ glutes]

Still think the best unscripted moment was from Newlywed Game.

 

Bob Eubanks: " What is the most unusual place you have made whoopee"

 

Female contestant: "That would be up the butt, Bob"

 

http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/newlywed.asp

[Rick Munroe]

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.

 

I agree that those answers were hilarious, but they were definitely scripted and not ad-libbed, so the real credit goes to the very talented writers. I googled a game show site and found this:

 

"The areas of questioning designed for each celebrity and possible bluff answers are discussed with each celebrity in advance. In the course of their briefing, actual questions and answers may be given or discerned by the celebrities."

 

What the heck…? I’ll tell you what that means: that little statement, flashed in the end credits of Hollywood Squares, was H-Q’s way of admitting, however obliquely, that many of the stars weren’t that clever on their own; that their quips and actual answers were written for them in advance.

 

Paul Lynde could ad-lib if necessary, but he preferred having his lines in advance. "People think because you’re funny, you ad-lib. I’m a script man. If they didn’t give me some clues, we’d all sit there and say ‘Gee, I just don’t know,’ and you can see how entertaining that would be."

 

http://www.curtalliaume.com/squares.html