Finding romance

[NYTomcat]

Ok I know this forum is dedicated to the hiring and reviewing of short term hot hookups but.... we are also a collection of sexually active gay men and I have a question that Im not sure of. You all know or can find my history so you know this is new to me.

 

How the hell do you meet men.... Ok I've got the hiring thing down. rentboy and daddy's makes that pretty easy. and I have managed the bar hook up scene. sometimes fruitful sometimes not. and I have hit the manhunt sites. but lets be realistic these are not places where people are looking for relationships that last longer than maybe the night... possibly less.

 

So for a newly out guy... cause there are some of you currently or in the passed partnered men out there. where did you meet that partner and how. Though I am not ready yet to be jumping into a "relationship" I will be and would love to know where I am supposed to look. Im happy Im not desperate for one. but i am 41 i should be keeping my eyes open just in case.

[JT Brooklyn]

You are asking the same QUESTION that most Single Women ask! Most of them get the same answer.."Good Luck"...

[josephga]

First guy I ever dated I met him through an acquaintance. This guy I knew didn't want a long term relationship But the guy he was dating did. He knew I was looking for that as well so about 4 months after they broke up he introduced us. we stayed together 1 year. My second and 3rd bf I met through match .com 4th guy i met at a AC DC concert and we just started talking went out to dinner and that progressed and lasted around 6 months. Iv never gone out with anyone from a club or bar

[NYTomcat]

You are asking the same QUESTION that most Single Women ask! Most of them get the same answer.."Good Luck"...

 

Yeah I figured the most common answer to this question was going to be. "hell if I know but when you find it... tell me" but i figure it cannot hurt to ask.

[NYTomcat]

First guy I ever dated I met him through an acquaintance. This guy I knew didn't want a long term relationship But the guy he was dating did. He knew I was looking for that as well so about 4 months after they broke up he introduced us. we stayed together 1 year. My second and 3rd bf I met through match .com 4th guy i met at a AC DC concert and we just started talking went out to dinner and that progressed and lasted around 6 months. Iv never gone out with anyone from a club or bar

 

So Match.com has worked for you. at least some limited success. Well that is encouraging.

 

Yeah already had the friend who tried to introduce me to her other "gay freind" really nice looking man to bad she forgot to mention he's a pompass boar. Think I might be doing alot of those dinners in the future.

[josephga]

I personally find the best first dates too be coffee dates. Hell I can meet anyone for coffee If there's no connection then all you outs the price of a cup of coffee. I had this friend that was always on the hunt for mr right, one month he went on 32 coffee dates lol I once knew a couple that met on gay com and they lasted 8 years which is rare for that site

[+ azdr0710]

my 50-something counselor (gay) found his bf in the local Safeway....they've been living together now for five or more years and are "married"....must be serious because my counselor has given his bf all his financial passwords!.......

 

he said it was just some eye contact in the Safeway and all that.....sex hookups at first, then, a couple weeks later, they moved onto coffee dates and all that.....

[+ Charlie]

I have lived with two men in my lifetime. The first one I met one afternoon just walking down a street in my neighborhood; we openly cruised one another, started a conversation, and ended up in bed back at my apartment. Six months later I moved into his place, and we lived together for four years. The second one I met on a vacation; we were staying at the same guesthouse in P-town. He was there with his ex, who struck up a conversation with me while I was reading a book on the sundeck. He introduced me to his friend, and two weeks later we were living together--and have been ever since. I know people who have met in bars, in classrooms, at parties, at worksites, at gay rights rallies, in church, at a funeral, etc., etc. There is no way to predict where--or if--you will find Mr. Right.

[Damascene]

You cannot predict. I met my one serious love in a bar. I know a couple who met via twitter. I know another that met in a bathhouse. All I can say is be open to receiving it but not obsessive. Nothing kills romance like being hungry for it.

[+ honcho]

Yeah, guys can smell a big butterfly net being waved from miles away . . .

 

My memory must be failing, but I could have sworn Tomcat asked a similar question a couple of months ago, and I thought

I suggested joining a gay activity or service club. In San Francisco there are, for example, Gay Sierrans (branch of the sierra club going on hikes), Different Spokes bicycle club, Bay Area Lawyers for individual Freedom (Baylif). The San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus,

the Lesbian/Gay Chorus of SF.

 

(And I seem to recall Tomcat mentioning some kind of vocal background in response - the extent of having been in Musicals as a kid).

[josephga]

I agree on gay activity or service club. or a gay sports team, or volunteer work. I personally would use a on line dating site as a last option.

[instudiocity]

One of my favorite Country Song Titles That Has Never Been Written is "I Found A Cadillac Of A Woman, In The Back Seat Of My Chevy"

 

It's always been my illustration to both straight and gay friends that if you marry/domestic partner with someone who ƒµçks on the first dates, you will likely to be in a Country Music relationship of Broken Hearts and Cheating.

 

Once the bloom is off the rose, or sex becomes stale, you're going to need to share more in common than mutual genitalia stimulation experiences.

 

I ain't got that kind of relationship - thus the hiring, but I hope I know it when I see it!

[josephga]

One of my favorite Country Song Titles That Has Never Been Written is "I Found A Cadillac Of A Woman, In The Back Seat Of My Chevy"

 

It's always been my illustration to both straight and gay friends that if you marry/domestic partner with someone who ƒµçks on the first dates, you will likely to be in a Country Music relationship of Broken Hearts and Cheating.

 

 

I read once that according to study's there's no connection to when you put out to how long a relationship would last, faithful vrs cheating. But I agree with you. I think the longer you wait the better shot you have at it lasting. First date sex rarely turns into anything long term. I like the whole challenge of perusing someone the whole dating and courting process. I wait 5 dates or more b4 sex happens I like a challenge as well as being a challenge. iv had friends in the past who's relationships failed after 6 weeks or so because they wanted to fuck first then get to know you. then they realized they had nothing in common with that person once they were out of the bedroom

[Diverdan]

I agree that first date sex often does not lead to a lasting relationship, but may lead to a long lasting "fb" relationship..LOL... at least that has been my experience. Most of my friends who are in long term relationships... ie 15 years or more... met through mutual friends, through volunteer activities, church, book clubs, etc. with nothing to do with the "sex" aspect that is often a cloud overhead when meeting in a bar, bathhouse, etc. I also find that many of my good long term friends came about through rather casual meetings, like the glances in a grocery store, a coffee house, a library, etc. I also agree that one can become too desperate to find a soul mate, and that becomes obvious in a short time and often drives people away. Athletic clubs, such as swimming, hiking, bike riding, etc., also provide a great way to meet guys with similar interests without the "let's go to bed to try each other out" aspect to the situation. I never tried the dating services, but a few friends have with some fairly good results, but was just not my thing. So, Tom, like all the other posters, we don't have THE answer for you, as we are all unique and our approach to life is as varied as we are. In any event, good luck in your search, and probably you will find your soul mate when you least expect it. I just thought of something else for you, Tom. Since you are in the NYC area, and are an attorney, you might look for a gay lawyers group, or volunteer for legal services to some of the many gay organizations that need legal advice. There have to be a lot of opportunities in the NYC area for those situations. Feel free to send me a pm if you want to pursue this further.

[leigh.bess.toad]

Yeah, guys can smell a big butterfly net being waved from miles away . . .

 

My memory must be failing, but I could have sworn Tomcat asked a similar question a couple of months ago, and I thought

I suggested joining a gay activity or service club. In San Francisco there are, for example, Gay Sierrans (branch of the sierra club going on hikes), Different Spokes bicycle club, Bay Area Lawyers for individual Freedom (Baylif). The San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus,

the Lesbian/Gay Chorus of SF.

 

(And I seem to recall Tomcat mentioning some kind of vocal background in response - the extent of having been in Musicals as a kid).

 

You beat me to it honcho. For TC, look to your talent.

 

And although knowing your profession I would be loathe to hang out with any of your ilk are there any gay professional organizations. There are certainly gay service organizations that could use a man of your talent and professional background.

 

Although knowing you, you'll be standing on the street corner and he'll just walk up and introduce himself as "hi, i'm your future husband:". some guys have all the luck

[NYTomcat]

Funny thing is. Im not looking for it. Hell I just came out. I dont Want back in even with a man right now. Im having fun playing the field. But as I do it I realize the car scene .... while fun... will probably never render the right Guy for me long term. Then again. I went to One and ran into a former client .... oops. Today I got a Call. Seems he wants to discuss redoing an estate plan. Oh yeah he broke up with ltr last year. Could we do it over dinner. Well he is charming and we have a lot in common. Thats what made me ask. My experience with ltr is nil when it comes to men. Though I am fairly faithful to my favorite escorts lol.

 

Im waiting to move out but I've long been a supporter of the gay rights movement even as a str8 man. Wellacting at least. But gay men's chorus Sounds promising. Gay bar association ...yuck. who wants to date a pain in the ass lawyer.

[leigh.bess.toad]

Gay bar association ...yuck. who wants to date a pain in the ass lawyer.

 

I can only think of one worth dating Not for me but for others.

 

And if anyone had a brain, they'd want to date him too. Unless they are an idiot.

 

But as you also say, not now. But you never know when "The One" will walk in.

[+ Charlie]

I believe that love at first sight is possible. I had sex with my partner several hours after we met--42 years ago. Of course, it helps to have had a lot of experience beforehand, and know exactly what you are looking for in a ltr. In his book "Outliers," Malcolm Gladwell says that studies show that one needs to have about 10,000 hours of practice to become really a top expert at anything. I suppose I had close to that much sexual practice before I met him. (Before anone has the chance to yell "Slut!!" at me, yes, I was extremely promiscuous in my youth.) So, TomCat, I agree that you ought to keep practicing for awhile.

[happyguy2]

This is probably the most unusual answer you will get on this thread. It is in two parts. Be patient! First, my mother always told my sisters and good friends that you will never find a good husband in bars or anywhere but in church! Second, I met a really nice guy, not the man of my life, but great company, a while ago. He is funny, clever and I enjoy his company, but we are not sexually interested in each other. A few weeks ago, we had this very discussion, where I asked him, do you think I can find the man of my life, then I told him what my mother said. He laughed and told me I would never believe what is in church..He brought me to our very large sophisticated and crowded downtown cathedral. We went to the main mass, thousands of people, choir, incense, the whole nine yards. And throughout the service he pointed out very cute guys he had slept with and met in bars, aged twenty to forty. Wow. there were at least twenty of them. So go figure.... try church????? lol

[Guest countryboywny]

Funny thing is. Im not looking for it.

 

 

Tom,

I think most good things happen when you're "not looking for it." Be patient and live your life, be good to people and, well.. I believe in karma. What goes around, comes around.

 

All the best to you.

 

CB

[justaguy]

Tom,

This is probably going to sound a bit cynical but that’s not the intent. Don’t look for love, don’t worry about it, and above all don’t need it. Instead, live the most fulfilling life you know how, on your own terms, as your own man. Be a good person and fill your life with a handful of other good persons who know you warts and all and whom you know that well—folks you can call at 3 in the morning and who, just from the sound of your voice, become instantly alert, ready to lend assistance; folks who, on those rare occasions when you’ve had 1 + 1 too many, get you home, let you puke in your own front yard, and resist taking that ultra-embarrassing cell-phone shot. Then, if love happens, you have the most genuinely valuable thing to offer: yourself, your complete self. Then, love is about mutual attraction, sharing, and synergy sans the strings of need and dependence. And if it doesn’t happen? That’s okay, too—you’re still a man who’s lived his life as the best man he knows how to be. Not too shabby when you think about it.

 

And now back to your regularly scheduled programming…

[Greathands]

My partner and I met online. I'm not all that familiar with what gay-oriented social sites might be out there, but we met on a site geared towards "bears" and their admirers.