Friday Funnies

[bigvalboy]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her

pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the

bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said,

"I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any

testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

 

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few

minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on

in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the

examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up

at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the

head and took it out of the room.

 

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and

also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its

haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The

vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most

definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

 

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill,

which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the

bill.

"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would

have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."[/color][/size][/font]

 

LOL...I did not see that coming. Very cute.

[+ Oliver]

"... If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would

have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

 

ROFLMAO! (Now someone tell me whether I got those letters right.) I burst out laughing reading the last line!

[bigvalboy]

ROFLMAO! (Now someone tell me whether I got those letters right.) I burst out laughing reading the last line!

 

As a matter of fact you did get that exactly right....But for the life of me, I just can't imagine you rolling on the floor.....well....on second thought, I can think of a few young men who could get you to do that.

[+ Oliver]

As a matter of fact you did get that exactly right ...

Thank you.

 

... I just can't imagine you rolling on the floor.....

Neither can I. A bed, maybe ...

[jackhammer91406]

Buddy Hackett on Johnny Carson

 

Two of the greats in comedy.

 

[video=youtube;MF3SRUVKwPU]

[Steven_Draker]

LOL. The joke with the chiropractor is great. Thanks for the laugh, Jackhammer.

[+ deej]

Some comics rely on timing (Ellen, Seinfeld) or on a build up (Leno, Rivers, etc.) or one-liners (Take my wife, please).

 

Buddy Hackett did it all, and he managed to wring every drop out of every minute the spotlight was on him. Every time.

 

Brilliant.

[jackhammer91406]

California love story

 

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex...she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles.

This was something she loved to do.

As the man lay there he enjoyed having his testicles rubbed.

He turned to her and asked , "Why do you love to do that so much?"

"Because," she replied, "I really miss mine."

[unsub2O17]

RESETTING THE PASSWORD

 

 

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 30 days and has expired - you must register a new one."

 

roses

 

"Sorry, too few characters."

 

pretty roses

 

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

 

1 pretty rose

 

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."

 

1prettyrose

 

"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."

 

1fuckingprettyrose

 

"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."

 

1FUCKINGprettyrose

 

"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."

 

1FuckingPrettyRose

 

"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."

 

1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow!!!!!

 

"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."

 

1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow

 

"Sorry, that password is already in use."

[jackhammer91406]

Blond moment

 

THE BLONDE AND THE IRISHMAN . . .

 

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through.

 

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

 

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through.

 

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

 

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."

 

Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"

 

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."

[Steven_Draker]

Gym humor

 

http://memecrunch.com/meme/IZSE/forgot-to-post-on-facebook-that-i-was-going-to-the-gym/image.png

 

http://www.funtoosh.com/pictures/images/animal_fitness.jpg

 

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-dk-hdYqkb3Y/UYIMgfaW4HI/AAAAAAAAHDs/AGkFuD9DRc0/s400/Dat-Gym-Ass-Funny-Black-Guy-Staring-At-Girls-Ass-While-Working-Out.jpg

 

http://www.funnyphotos4u.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/9b9e8__This-is-why-emergency-rooms-exist.jpg

[jackhammer91406]

A Little bit country.....

 

I was born in Atlanta Georgia a few weeks after the civil war ended (bad luck how that ended eh?)

Anyway, I know many of you may be or have family who may be fans of country music. You are probably familiar with the big hits like STAND BY YOUR MAN and such.

Well, I thought you might be interested in the top ten Country music hits you may not have heard of.

Here They are.........

Top Ten Country Western Songs

 

10. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine

 

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed with an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few

 

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

 

7. I've missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

 

6. Wouldn't Take Her to A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

 

5. I'm So Miserable without You It's like You're Still Here

 

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Miss Him

 

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

 

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

 

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

 

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.

[instudiocity]

I was born in Atlanta Georgia a few weeks after the civil war ended (bad luck how that ended eh?)

Anyway, I know many of you may be or have family who may be fans of country music. You are probably familiar with the big hits like STAND BY YOUR MAN and such.

Well, I thought you might be interested in the top ten Country music hits you may not have heard of.

Here They are.........

Top Ten Country Western Songs...

Don't forget Honorable Mention - "I Found A Cadillac Of A Woman In The Back Seat Of My Chevy"

[Steven_Draker]

http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/11/45/32/114532c64508f6e10c6df0a8c45fbd6a.jpg

[jackhammer91406]

Steven Wright

 

Forgive me if I have posted this before, but as I get older I find that some things are so funny, they are worth a second look. Actually, the reality is that I often forget a joke as soon as I hear it, so the second look is just as funny as the first.

A N Y W A Y........

 

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright,

he's the famous erudite scientist and humorist who

once said: "I woke up one morning, and all my stuff had been stolen…..

and replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most of us do.

Here are some of his gems:

 

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

 

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

 

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

 

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

 

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

 

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

 

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

 

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

 

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 

11 - I almost had a psychic boyfriend, but he left me before we met.

 

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

 

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

 

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

 

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

 

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

 

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

 

19 - I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

 

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

 

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

 

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

 

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

 

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

 

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

 

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

 

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

 

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard

 

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

 

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

 

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

 

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

 

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

[jackhammer91406]

You're Gonna Make It Afterall..........

 

I am trying to stop crying and laughing so I can type this. Enjoy...

[video=youtube;O4XHXeiMRSk]

[jackhammer91406]

Remember when?......

 

Last week I posted a link to some outtakes from the Mary Tyler Moore show. It got me to thinking about favorite episodes. One of my favorite was the Chuckles the Clown episode.

 

Now step into the "WAY-BACK" machine.

Here is the entire episode.

[video=youtube;ihLJrcS8lsg]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihLJrcS8lsg

 

For those who can't spare 25 minutes, here is the link to the Memorial scene.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92I04DkMEps

[Daverwr]

Last week I posted a link to some outtakes from the Mary Tyler Moore show. It got me to thinking about favorite episodes. One of my favorite was the Chuckles the Clown

[/color][/size][/font]

 

One of the truly great TV lines, "A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants."

[+ azdr0710]

I was born in Atlanta Georgia a few weeks after the civil war ended (bad luck how that ended eh?)

Anyway, I know many of you may be or have family who may be fans of country music. You are probably familiar with the big hits like STAND BY YOUR MAN and such.

Well, I thought you might be interested in the top ten Country music hits you may not have heard of.

Here They are.........

Top Ten Country Western Songs

 

 

 

and the old favorite, "I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy"

[leigh.bess.toad]

and the old favorite, "I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy"

 

You messed it up a bit there. It's "I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a pre-frontal lobotomy"

[leigh.bess.toad]

One of the truly great TV lines, "A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants."

 

That line alone should have gotten the scriptwriter into the Scriptwriter's Hall of Fame. What a brilliant episode.

[Steven_Draker]

A blast from the past: Bonnie Tylor revisited (hilarious)

 

[video=youtube;fsgWUq0fdKk]

[leigh.bess.toad]

Steven -- thanks so much. You have NO idea how badly I would love to do this version at karaoke. This is my partner's favorite song for me to sing to him at karaoke. It's sort of become "our" song (well, his song. I prefer to sing him Evergreen). And I would kill to be able to do this version. Because as it says "The gayest man on earth would call this over the top!".

 

Thanks for the reminder.

[jackhammer91406]

Yada Yada ....ooooops

 

From week to week as I mulled over what to post each Friday, I have often thought about shows that made me laugh. Over the several years of this thread, I have posted links to scenes from classic T.V. shows. Today, it's yada yada time.

That's right. Seinfeld.

Here's a clip of outtakes that might bring you a laugh today.

 

And by the way, I hope everyone has a terrific Holiday Season. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good laugh.

 

[video=youtube;yqrTZdWJU7s]

[jackhammer91406]

Famous Quotes...

 

I am posting some famous quotes for everyone today. Hope you find a chuckle or two in them.

Have a wonder fully HAPPY NEW YEAR

 

Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

Madonna

 

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.

Henry Youngman

 

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'.

Rita Rudner

 

This guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, because I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.'

I said, 'Oh, a gay trucker?'

Judy Tenuta

 

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.

Jean Kerr

 

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.

Tim Allen

 

I love men, even though they're lying, cheating scumbags.

Gwyneth Paltrow

 

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

 

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.

Molly McGee

 

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.

Mickey Rooney

 

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.

Helen Rowland

 

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

Unknown

 

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Rita Rudner

 

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

David Bissonnette

 

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Henry Youngman

 

It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.

Laurence J. Peter

 

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Unknown

 

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?

Lily Tomlin

 

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.

John Barrymore

 

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

Robert Frost

 

To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.

Janet Coleman

 

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Andy Rooney

 

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

George Carlin

 

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

-- Paul Beatty

 

And finally............

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.

Joey Adams