Friday Funnies

[edjames]

Proof Some Men Need Sensitivity Training:

 

* I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

 

* The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did.

She's 25, and her name's Kathy.

 

* Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me,

just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

 

* The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

 

* A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead!" The operator says, "How do you know?"

The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

 

* I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a

different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been

listening."

 

* My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst.

So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

 

* The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

 

* I was approached by a lady who asked me to buy a raffle ticket for a Russian orphan. I said hell no!

With my luck I’d win one!

[+ Tygerscent]

I've always heard there is a difference between love and sex... But what if you love sex~?

 

Tyger

971.400.2633

tygerkink@yahoo.com

http://www.tygerscent.biz

Men4rentnow: tygerscent in Portland

Rentmen: AAAtygerscentxxx

Daddy's reviews: Tyger in Portland~

[+ Tygerscent]

A well know discount clothing store is changing its name to better represent its customers and keep par with the political suave of the current times~ Owners of the store felt no need to change merchandise or general appearance, just the name.

Cross Dress for Less~

 

Tyger

971.400.2633

tygerkink@yahoo.com

http://www.tygerscent.biz

Men4rentnow: tygerscent in Portland

Rentmen: AAAtygerscentxxx

Daddy's reviews: Tyger in Portland~

[Guest countryboywny]

Subject: When you are over sixty who gives a shit............

 

 

 

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is

that Corona or Bud?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

 

When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

 

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few

pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of

you."

 

When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

 

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was

born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, "Yesterday."

 

When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

 

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

 

When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

 

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

 

When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

[actor61]

The dry cleaner near Monica Lewinsky's place was cheap and convenient but you always had to yell because he was very hard of hearing. One day, she brought in a dark blue dress and showed it to him, saying, "I have a big stain on the front of this dress." Cupping his ear, the dry cleaner said, "Come again?" "No," she replied, "it's just red wine."

[edjames]

The Jewish Elbows

 

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

 

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in.. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

 

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

 

"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"

_______________________________________________

Wise Italian Grandfather

 

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."

 

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

 

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

 

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?

 

____________________________________________________

 

Irish blonde...

 

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

 

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

 

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

 

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

 

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

 

MORAL OF THE STORY

 

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... but all men...are men!

[jackhammer91406]

Giving it 100 %

 

 

 

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. Experience.

It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me laugh.

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:

 

What Makes 100%?

 

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

 

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been

to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

 

How about achieving 103%?

 

What makes up 100% in life?

 

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

 

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:

 

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

 

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =98%

 

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =96%

 

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =100%

 

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%

 

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

 

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why some people got where they are!

 

[jackhammer91406]

Do you remember this?........

 

I tried to post this yesterday, but is isn't here so I'll try again. Back last century before most of you were born was an era of sit-ins, love-ins, and be-ins. It was the early years of color TV and there was a program on NBC called LAUGH-IN.

I am posting a few clips from this show this week. The first is a clip from the end segment of the show called the joke wall. Since I can only post one video per post, I will make another post. The second clip is a series of out takes from the joke wall segment.

Hope you enjoy them.

Ladies and Gentlemen:

LAUGH-IN

 

[video=youtube;iZ8Vrvy0VeE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZ8Vrvy0VeE&feature=player_detailpage#t=9

[jackhammer91406]

And then there was......

 

The second LAUGH-IN clip...

 

 

[video=youtube;cFksUB9gWyk]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFksUB9gWyk&feature=player_detailpage

[edjames]

Two for the price of one....enjoy and keep laughing!

 

HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

 

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting.

 

Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one, - and I can't wait!

 

--------------------------------------------------------------

 

DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

 

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------

 

DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

 

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

----------------------------------------------------------

 

DEAR DIARY - DAY 4

 

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------

 

DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

 

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.

Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

 

Today I saved 1600 lives.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Grammar - The Importance of a tiny space !

 

A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.

She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email.

 

Boss's wife read the email and filed for divorce.

 

The email says:

 

"Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night.

It has extra ordinary smooth flow, and a firm stroke.

Initially its tip had to be licked to bring it to working order.

I loved its perfect size and grip.

Felt like I was in heaven when using it.

I've always desired it and you fulfi lled my wish.

Thanks a lot"

 

Moral: A "space" is an essential part in English.

[edjames]

Don't underestimate the ladies!

 

 

Peeing On The Flowers

 

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a

while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

 

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

 

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

 

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. “ Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

 

"Oh, no, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence,

right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'

 

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I

surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "

 

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

 

"Not everybody pays."

[edjames]

One more to start the week....and VERY un-PC!!!!

 

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Store clerk says, 'Male or female?'

Customer says, 'Female.'

Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?

Customer says, 'White.'

Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'

Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'

Counter guy says,'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

[Guest countryboywny]

Scottish Wedding

 

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled..."Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

 

-- The bartender was almost crushed to death.

 

 

 

SEX

 

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore …..

 

-- A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

 

 

 

Lance Armstrong

 

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he's achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races,

 

whilst he was on drugs.

 

-- When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike.

 

 

 

Drive By

 

A guy broke into my apartment last week.

 

He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.

 

-- Now he drives by and changes the channels.

 

Sick bastard!!

 

 

 

The Agony of Aging

 

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

 

-- I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

 

 

 

SCAM

 

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes".

 

-- Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

 

 

 

Pregnant Prostitute

 

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"

 

-- "For cryin' out loud! If you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart???"

[jackhammer91406]

Foster Roasts Sammy Davis Jr.

 

I thought this was pretty funny....[video=youtube;YcYTQokKdIg]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YcYTQokKdIg&feature=player_detailpage#t=239

[Guest countryboywny]

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

 

 

 

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

 

 

 

"No Ma'am, I work for a condom company and these are customer complaints."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7 days of Laughter

 

MONDAY

 

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that

her daughter was having sex...

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the

family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

 

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug

her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

 

TUESDAY

 

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.

Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'

 

WEDNESDAY

 

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed, 'for me?'

 

 

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

 

THURSDAY

 

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her

 

92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.

 

‘Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

 

FRIDAY

 

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

 

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, ‘Wedding Cake.'

 

SATURDAY

 

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age,' Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

 

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

 

SUNDAY

 

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

 

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'

[jackhammer91406]

It's all in the putter.......

 

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland:

 

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

 

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

 

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.

 

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

 

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

 

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

 

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

 

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

 

9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

 

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

 

WELL DONE. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS, AND GO OUTSIDE AND TEE OFF.

[jackhammer91406]

All My Children......

 

 

Judy married Ted; they had 13 children. Ted died of cancer.

 

Judy married again, and she & new husband Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

 

Judy remarried again, and this time, she & and her third husband John had 5 more children.

 

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

 

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

 

 

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

 

Margaret replied: "Honestly Ethel, I think he means her legs, ".

[jackhammer91406]

EBAY anyone?......

 

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

 

Robot for sale.

[jackhammer91406]

Picture this......

 

Voice mail Accident.

 

This guy is sending a voice mail to his boss when he witnesses a minor traffic accident. Not fake; actually happened. In late February, several stations broadcast interviews with a man named Michael Childs, who said that he was the one who left the voice mail message, that the clip was genuine, and that the accident described took place about six years ago in Athens, Texas, while he was working as a construction manager for Jack in the Box.

 

Turn on your sound!

 

Only in Texas. This is great If you need to laugh, this is it. Don't

mess w/little old ladies!

 

 

http://zanylol.com/accident.html

[bigvalboy]

Voice mail Accident.

 

This guy is sending a voice mail to his boss when he witnesses a minor traffic accident. Not fake; actually happened. In late February, several stations broadcast interviews with a man named Michael Childs, who said that he was the one who left the voice mail message, that the clip was genuine, and that the accident described took place about six years ago in Athens, Texas, while he was working as a construction manager for Jack in the Box.

 

Turn on your sound!

 

Only in Texas. This is great If you need to laugh, this is it. Don't

mess w/little old ladies!

 

 

http://zanylol.com/accident.html[/color][/size][/font]

 

Thanks...It was laugh-out-loud stuff....

[jackhammer91406]

Glad you enjoyed it. I had the same reaction.

[jackhammer91406]

And so it goes.... this 'n that.

 

WHY OLD PEOPLE DON'T GET HIRED!

 

Job Interview:

 

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

 

Senior Citizen: "Honesty."

 

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

 

Senior Citizen: "I don't really give a shit what you think."

 

 

 

 

 

No sure if this has been posted before.....

 

The Washington Post published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers were asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

 

The winners are:

 

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

 

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

 

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

 

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

 

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

 

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

 

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

 

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

 

9. Flatulance (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

 

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

 

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

 

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

 

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

 

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

 

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

 

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

 

 

Enjoy your weekend....

[bigvalboy]

WHY OLD PEOPLE DON'T GET HIRED!

 

Job Interview:

 

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

 

Senior Citizen: "Honesty."

 

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

 

Senior Citizen: "I don't really give a shit what you think."

 

 

Thanks JH.....LOL....Can't tell you how many times I've heard that.

 

As my friend says all the time, "What you think of me is none of my business"

[unsub2O17]

Not so much a joke but really clever. Glaceau Vitamin Water comes in two sizes, 17 and 20 oz. But Southwest Airlines serves a smaller bottle made just for them. On the side of the bottle, this is printed:

 

so, yeah, this bottle is shorter than

normal. but shorter is better. want

proof? what's better, a short or long

phone call with your parents? a short or

long download time? and who doesn't

want to be on a short list? that's right,

short is killing it right now.

[jackhammer91406]

If it quacks like a ........

 

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her

pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the

bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said,

"I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any

testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

 

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few

minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on

in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the

examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up

at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the

head and took it out of the room.

 

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and

also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its

haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The

vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most

definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

 

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill,

which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the

bill.

"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would

have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."