Friday Funnies

[jackhammer91406]

Time Marches On....

 

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.

 

The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

 

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

 

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

 

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

 

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

 

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence . 'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: 'A pumpkin? Shit ...is it midnight already?'

 

The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as 'Best come-back line ever.'

[jackhammer91406]

Walkin' the line.....

 

This week's offering comes from my cousin's redneck husband. We all love him, but he sometimes walks over the line of good taste. Being that this is a site dedicated to good taste ( or is that tasting good? I thought you might enjoy a few of these......

 

 

 

 

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

 

 

***********

 

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

 

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

 

***********

 

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

 

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

 

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.

 

"Come on, what day was I born"?

 

I said, "Yesterday."

 

 

***********

 

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

 

 

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

 

***********

 

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

 

 

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

 

 

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

[edjames]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00am by a loud pounding on the door.

 

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the

pouring rain, is asking for a push.

 

"Not a chance" says the man. "It's 3:00 in the morning".

 

He slams the door and returns to bed.

 

"Who was that?" asks his wife.

 

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

 

"Did you help him?" she asks.

 

"No, I did not. It's 3:00 in the morning and pouring rain out there".

 

"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember 3 months

ago when our car broke down and those two guys helped us?"

 

"I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

"God loves drunk people too".

 

The man does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.

 

He calls out in the dark "Hello, are you still there?"

 

"Yes" comes back the answer.

 

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

 

"Yes, please", comes the reply from the dark.

 

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

 

"Over here on the swing" replied the drunk.

[edjames]

A lady helps her husband install a new computer.

 

Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he'll always remember.

 

As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he selects:

 

mypenis.

 

As he hits "enter", to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!

 

The computer had replied:

 

TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!

[bigvalboy]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00am by a loud pounding on the door.

 

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the

pouring rain, is asking for a push.

 

"Not a chance" says the man. "It's 3:00 in the morning".

 

He slams the door and returns to bed.

 

"Who was that?" asks his wife.

 

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

 

"Did you help him?" she asks.

 

"No, I did not. It's 3:00 in the morning and pouring rain out there".

 

"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember 3 months

ago when our car broke down and those two guys helped us?"

 

"I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

"God loves drunk people too".

 

The man does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.

 

He calls out in the dark "Hello, are you still there?"

 

"Yes" comes back the answer.

 

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

 

"Yes, please", comes the reply from the dark.

 

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

 

"Over here on the swing" replied the drunk.

Laugh out loud stuff....now that was cute!!

[jackhammer91406]

Doin' what comes naturally...

 

My cousin’s husband lost his job a few years ago. She continued to work and they found a way to make ends meet on her salary alone since he was unable to find another job. But things were a bit rocky at first.

One day my cousin came home from work and found her husband lying on the couch with his feet up.

She was a little snippy thinking about the fact that she had worked hard all day and here was her husband napping on the couch.

“What did you do all day today?” she asked in a falsely sweet voice.

“Nothing,” he replied.

Now she was a bit peeved.

“That’s what you did yesterday,” she said clearly getting angry.

“Yeah,” he said calmly, “ I wasn’t finished.”

[edjames]

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.

 

He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

 

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.

 

He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

 

'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

 

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

 

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

 

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

 

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

 

'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

 

Joe is shocked.

 

Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks......Dirty dishes.

 

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra......No one says a word.

 

He then reaches over and fondles her breasts.....still, nobody says a word.

 

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

 

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

 

He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.

 

Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, while the mother is pleasantly beaming.

 

But still.... Total silence.

 

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his new bike, stands up and pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

 

The petrified father suddenly jumps up and shouts, "Okay, okay, you win, I'll do the fuckin' dishes."

[Guest countryboywny]

I know it's not Friday yet, but I just came across this and it made me laugh out loud!

 

"A MESSAGE FROM BUDWEISER"

 

Please, take care of yourself out on the roads this summer.

 

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Motor Vehicles and

the Department of Health indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are

alcohol related.

 

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who drink

bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks and shit like that.

 

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause

three times as many accidents.

[bigvalboy]

I know it's not Friday yet, but I just came across this and it made me laugh out loud!

 

"A MESSAGE FROM BUDWEISER"

 

Please, take care of yourself out on the roads this summer.

 

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Motor Vehicles and

the Department of Health indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are

alcohol related.

 

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who drinkbottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks and shit like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause

three times as many accidents.

 

Yes this is laugh-out-loud stuff....

[bcohen7719]

Was this ever posted?

 

BC

_______________________________________________________________________

 

 

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some history.

Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

 

Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from

Japan put his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

 

"Very good!

Now Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for

the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"

 

Again, no response except from Little Akio:

"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try

one a bit more difficult –

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you,

but what you can do for your country'?"

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air. He

intoned: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at the everyone in the room,

"Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves,

Little Akio is originally from Japan. Yes he knows

more about our history than you do."

 

She heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs!"

"Who said that? -- I want to know right now!?

She angrily demanded.

 

Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.'

 

The teacher glares around and asks,

'All right! -- Now who said that?"

Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the

Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now another student yells extemporaneously,

"Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"

 

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his

hand and shouts to the teacher,

"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

 

Now with almost mob hysteria another student screams,

"You little shit! If you say one more word--

I'll kill you!"

 

Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his

voice, "Michael Jackson to the children

testifying against him, 2004."

[jackhammer91406]

Dream of a Saleman.........G'Day mate....

 

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

 

 

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

 

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

 

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

 

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

 

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

 

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how

many sales did you make today?'

 

The Aussie said, 'One!'

 

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or

30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?'

'£124,237.64.'

 

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell

him?'

 

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then

I sold him a new fishing rod.

 

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast,

so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department

and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.

 

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him

down to car sales and sold him the 4x4.’

 

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to

buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

 

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend

and I said...

 

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, mate, you might as well go fishing.'

[bigvalboy]

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

 

 

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

 

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

 

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

 

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

 

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

 

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how

many sales did you make today?'

 

The Aussie said, 'One!'

 

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or

30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?'

'£124,237.64.'

 

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell

him?'

 

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then

I sold him a new fishing rod.

 

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast,

so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department

and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.

 

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him

down to car sales and sold him the 4x4.’

 

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to

buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

 

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend

and I said...

 

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, mate, you might as well go fishing.'[/color][/size][/font]

 

LMAO....Didn't see that one coming.

[jackhammer91406]

If you have a few minutes.....

 

If I do this right, there should be a video screen. This was sent to me by my friend in O.H.I.O (ohno) It takes a few minutes to view, but it is pretty funny. I also reminds of the days when elected officials from both sides of the aisle could socialize after work and have a few laughs. Hope you enjoy this trip in the WayBack machine.....

 

[video=youtube;n6mbW-jMtrY]

[edjames]

Retirement Dinner

 

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

 

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

 

I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.

 

But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...

 

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

 

'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

 

Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late

[seeker630]

If I do this right, there should be a video screen. This was sent to me by my friend in O.H.I.O (ohno) It takes a few minutes to view, but it is pretty funny. I also reminds of the days when elected officials from both sides of the aisle could socialize after work and have a few laughs. Hope you enjoy this trip in the WayBack machine.....[/color][/size][/font]

 

That had me laughing out loud!

 

Thanks!

[edjames]

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my aging friend.

 

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

 

So I say to the man: "Sean, you're supposed to turn your clock back".

[Guest countryboywny]

Homesick Snowbird...

 

I was in Ft. Myers, Florida the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I miss Chicago."

 

So I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"

[bigvalboy]

Homesick Snowbird...

 

I was in Ft. Myers, Florida the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I miss Chicago."

 

So I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"

 

As a newly transplanted urbanite from LA....this is just "laugh out loud" stuff.

[edjames]

An oldie but goodie. One for the raod. I'm off on vacation...

 

The Irish Golfer

 

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

 

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

 

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

 

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize."

 

And the golfer walks off.

 

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.

 

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

 

"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. " When I need cash, I just reach into my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills. I didn't even know they were there!"

"I did that fer ye also." said the Leprechaun. "And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

 

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week do ye have sex?"

 

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

 

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock."That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

 

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish!"

[jackhammer91406]

Retirement is overrated...

 

Others this week have posted some gems. My thanks to them.

This week....I am posting something sent to me by my buddy in O.H.I.O.(o.h.oh. no.) Since he and I are the "same age", I thought it would be appropriate for us to laugh at ourselves.

 

 

 

 

 

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

 

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

 

'Sure.'

 

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

 

'No, I can remember it.'

 

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

 

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

 

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

 

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

 

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

 

'Where's my toast?'

******************************************************

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love?You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that

restaurant we went to last night?'

*************************************************************************************

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

********************************************************************************

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

***************************************************************************

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

********************************************************************************************

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

 

***************************************************

One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[jackhammer91406]

Would you believe......

 

 

ON THE MOON.

 

 

Did you know Mr. Gorsky?

 

 

 

IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW,

THIS IS A LITTLE TIDBIT OF TRIVIA,

 

ON JULY 20, 1969,

AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE,

NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON

TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

 

 

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON WERE,

"THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN,

ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND,"

AND THEY WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH

 

BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER,

HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK,

 

"GOOD LUCK, MR.GORSKY".

 

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT THAT

IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK,

CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.

 

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING,

THERE WAS NO GORSKY

IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN

OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

 

OVER THE YEARS,

MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG

AS TO WHAT THE

'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY'

STATEMENT MEANT.

..

BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

 

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA ,

WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH,

A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26

YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG.

 

THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.

MR. GORSKY HAD DIED,

SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT THAT HE COULD NOW

ANSWER THE QUESTION.

 

IN 1938,

WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID WESTERN TOWN ,

HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL

WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.

 

HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL,

WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD,

BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.

HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.

AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG

ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY

 

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?!

YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR

WALKS ON THE MOON"!

TRUE STORY......IT BROKE THE PLACE UP!

 

 

Unfortunately, it appears that this old gem is not true but it makes a good story so hope it brightened your day. And if your last name is Gorsky, hope you have a great weekend.

[edjames]

Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

 

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?' She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.' Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex

finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, 'You finish?' Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, 'No.'

 

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together in passionate screams. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Struggling for the strength to now just turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, 'You finish?'

 

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, 'No, I Norwegian.'

[jackhammer91406]

Gas leak

 

Hope this makes you chuckle..

[video=youtube;_UfwDEbKfNY]

[Guest countryboywny]

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,

'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

 

With even greater emphasis he said,

'If I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

 

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,

'If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

 

Sermon complete, he sat down...

 

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing,

'For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365,

'Shall We Gather at the River.'

 

 

Smile - life is too short not to!!

Keep spreading the Cheer.

 

See you at the river!

 

Bring your own glass!

[jackhammer91406]

A Word to the wise.......

 

From my friend out west......

 

 

 

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled

out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

 

"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

 

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

 

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,

 

"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

 

 

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.