Lonely Is As Lonely Does

[+ Gar1eth]

I think I've probably mentioned this before--but not for a long time. I am closeted. Well maybe I should qualify that a little because I am probably not in a very large closet. I am 49 and I have never had a girlfriend. I have only lived where I am currently for a little less than 2 years. So while the people at work may not be aware of my lifelong lack of a girlfriend/female significant other, my family does know this. So the question of how much of a closet I am in as regards my family is obviously not open to much debate.

 

I unfortunately still don't feel like I can "come out". It's stupid I know. It's probably partially a result of having grown up in a medium size Texas town that according to Wikipedia-"is said to have more churches per capita than anywhere else in the nation". And I may not have to add that the majority of said churches at least when I was growing up (and even today) are not very liberal.

 

Now is probably a good time for me to say that while I fully understand what a chicken sh-t I am in that I haven't dealt with this at the (almost) advanced age of 50, I admire tremendously those who have come out and live their lives openly--especially those who have come out as teenagers.

 

I'm sorry--I am rambling more than usual, but I wanted to give a little background.

 

So back to the title of this post. I am lonely. I haven't been able to make anything more than acquaintances where I live--although this is is not a new problem for me. It seems like for the circumstances to occur for me to make friends--well lets just say it's much rarer than the occurrence of a blue moon.

 

Sorry--a little bit more rambling there. Ok here it is--I obviously don't have a lot to offer looks wise. I am not in good shape at all (picture a less cute George from Seinfeld), but I've been trying to decide whether to put a profile on a dating site. And if I should--which one. The one that I am most familiar with is Adam4Adam--but it seems like that is mainly a hook-up site. I mean sex would be great--but I am not looking for that initially--ok I probably am--well no I'm not. But it would be great if I could find someone who wanted to go to the movies or a play or something. I mean I am not expecting to be swept off my feet or for me to sweep someone else. It would just be nice to find someone to do things with--and if it led to someone I could hold hands with or kiss--probably a very unlikely occurrence--but if it did, that would be nice too.

 

Gman

[JoeyBryant]

It's probably partially a result of having grown up in a medium size Texas town that according to Wikipedia-"is said to have more churches per capita than anywhere else in the nation".

 

I dont blame you...I've been in Texas going on 2 years now and its scarred me pretty bad.

 

In this town, I find that even the openly gay people are closeted to some extent...living in a shell, having no clue what the rest of the world is like.

 

I've made up my mind that Im OUT OF HERE once my lease is up.

 

As for your post...dont fret too much about being lonely. Lonely can be good. You dont have to worry about poor slobs parasiting off of you for money day in, day out...who want to then turn around and kick you to the curb once they realize they have gotten all they can get out of you. And then when you get tired of their SHIT, they want to turn around and call foul game.

 

If you have just 1 or 2 good friends...that can be good enough. No matter what their sexuality.

 

As for adam4adam, spare yourself. Its barely even good to work off of anymore. Otherwise, thats all its good for. A quick fuck. And thats IF they arent busy being a flake. Because most everyone who is online there who ISNT an escort is on there 24 hours a day looking for a new dick and a new ass...and they are addicted to that shit. So forget about starting any kind of relationship off of there. Its possible to meet a friend from there though.

 

Forgive me for being gloom about it, but I've recently had a wakeup call after dealing with someone who I 'thought' was a good friend...only for them to take a dagger and use my back as a dart board. I'd rather be lonley and selective about people than to have any old sucker be in my circle.

[Guest greatness]

I think

 

I think George on Seinfield is cute I would date him in a heart beat. Don't be so hard on yourself. Please try to think positively. At least you didn't have to go through a nasty divorce with a girl you don't love or endure an abusive relationship with a bf who cheats on you. Please try to change your perspective. I hope you can meet someone sweet and do sweet things. But do not be discouraged by what you don't have. On the other hand, let's be happy with the things we can do and achieve everyday. That is how I get by and I've come this far and I think I can go more. You are precious Gman and you are a great man. I have never met you but read your post. You seem like a very nice gentleman, I would hang out with you. What's your address? (You might not want a stalker like me and you are very lucky for that too )So cheer up and let's dance.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bVWHQqEyiLI

[+ bigjoey]

Dear Gar1eth,

I was in a similiar situtation. My first sexual experience was at age 46 at the Gaiety in New York (moment of silence please).

 

My suggestion is to volunteer at an organization that would be of interest to you: like pets, dogs and /or cats then try an animal shelter; like singing then try a gay men's chorus; like gardening then try a garden club; like art then try a local museum; like little boys then try becoming a Catholic priest (sorry, but i could not help myself on that idea). Whatever group you join will get you out with people and some will be gay and it is easy to find out which ones are like you.

 

Simply, the more people you meet in general, the more gay people you will meet in specific.

[Guest DuchessIvanaKizznhugg]

Yes you can!!

 

A few things, Gar1eth, in addition to the great words already passed along by JoeyB, greatness, and bigjoey.

 

First. You are a strong, brave man. You have recognized a problem that you'd like to confront, and you've asked for help. BRAVO. Taking that step of asking is a huge one in breaking the "cycle of limitation" that has been your past (not your future, but your past). It says you are ready for change, and you're not just sitting around waiting for it to happen. You're taking action to MAKE it happen. Congratulations. The journey of the rest of your life starts with a single step. You have chosen a good 1st step.

 

Second. You are not alone. Loneliness can strike even those in the situation you currently think of as ideal. What you are feeling is clearly real, but sometimes recognizing that we're not in it alone can help to decrease the tension of the tight spot we think we're in. Take a deep breath. Exhale. Repeat.

 

Third. I agree with greatness.....try not to be so hard on yourself. Easier said than done, I know, but you have to start somewhere. The "tone" of your self-perception/self-dialogue gets projected outward in a myriad of ways, so beating yourself up about what you don't like about yourself is destructive behaviour, as the negative vibes precede you and can thwart otherwise good intentions of others. Again, I know it's not easy. Western culture thrives on telling us how good we're not. Church, work, advertising....

all based on keeping us feeling bad about ourselves. You have the power to believe it, or choose to reject it. It sounds like you're choosing to reject it. Good for you. Another positive move!

 

Forth. You have every right to be who you are... embrace what is good. Work that into a bigger share of your self-perception. Listen to "I am what I am, I am my own special creation". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QqQ7iCXhTAo Listen to it again. Believe it.

 

In re-reading your post, one sentence in particular leaps out: "It seems like for the circumstances to occur for me to make friends--well lets just say it's much rarer than the occurrence of a blue moon."

That suggests to me that you already know where to focus. What are those circumstances? How can you change them? Change doesn't have to be scary. For me, the scarier thing is to NOT change. You know that your past efforts are not bringing you the life you want, so again. BRAVO. You are on the verge of making your life the way you want.

 

I'm going to repeat some advice from a post I gave some time ago to another poster....as he was stuggling with feeing blue. Hopefully some of this will touch a cord and help you with the messy journey of life.

 

Try to remind yourself that the feeling WILL pass. Modern life is hard--no doubt about it--and the "blues" are a part of the package. Limiting their impact when they strike, or decreasing the occasions when they do is simply a good survival strategy.

 

Get some exercise.....even as simple as a walk around the block with some deep breathing can help. Walk in a neighbourhood that you've always meant to, and take some comfort in the new things you see. Enjoy the sun on your face... or the rain. Especially with the spring season in full force, it's easy to see new beginnings all around you. Your new beginning is part of this wonderful miracle that is life. You have the power.

 

Induce laughter in some way...see a funny movie (or even some silly youtube clips) A little laughter every day is good for your soul. The BEST medicine. Health care or not.

 

Visit a greenhouse. (If you haven't been, a trip to Stan Hywet in Akron is a tonic) http://www.stanhywet.org/

 

Try something new.....a new restaurant, a new route home from work, a new coffee or tea....anything that shakes up the routine a little. Every little bit of change you make has a multiplier effect, and you'll be amazed at how a little change in one area brings forth unexpected benefits in other areas.

 

Be especially nice to the people you come into contact with who don't expect it.....the girl at the coffee shop, the server in the cafeteria, the janitor or security guard. Plant the seeds. Niceness will grow around you.

 

Do something creative.....write a poem, a short story, make a drawing, or design a fabulous outfit for Pride or Halloween.

 

Borrow a friend's dog for the day, and enjoy the companionship it offers. Let him/her lick your face (the dog, not your friend)

 

Talk with someone you haven't spoken to for a while, and tell them something nice that you like about them. Even an email can work.

 

Hug a friend extra hard, and enjoy the hug you get back, too.

 

Treat yourself to some flowers.

 

Do something absolutely silly......and don't worry what people will think of you. (I occasionally paint my toenails!)

 

Try to remember that there ARE people who care about YOU (even though it might not seem like it) We here care. You have always been quick to offer a kindness to others. You have a good soul.

 

Hope this post and the pic below put a little sunshine in your life. If you want to exchange a private message, by all means don't hesitate.

 

You're clearly on the verge of a new you, and that's an exciting place to be.

http://i965.photobucket.com/albums/ae139/DuchessIvanaKizznhugg/Daffodils.jpg

[KMEM]

Why not let a friend lick your face?

 

Laughter is not only good for the soul but also the body. The mind and the body seem to be connected somehow.

 

Best regards,

KMEM

[RockHard]

Do whatever you can to find courage.

 

If you don't believe in yourself, nobody else will.

 

Life is too short for the closet. The sooner you come out, the faster you'll find a road to normal.

 

I have a friend from Ohio who came out at the age of 15. His father was a truck driver and his mother was very religious. He has two older brothers and one sister, all straight and married with kids. My friend is now 54 and lives with his partner in Ohio. They've been together for 20+ years. All the families are very close.

 

Closeted gay men carry a specific burden: they don't know how to behave as if they've lived an un-closeted life for many years. There is a transition period one must endure. I don't know of a men's club that can put you in contact with other men like yourself. It's hard to imagine a veteran out-of-the-closet gay man wanting to take on your issues when half of life is already over. Of course, there's always the belief in miracles.

 

I know several gay men who hate being alone who have found success with Match.com. Match is definitely not a pick-up site. Most of the men there are looking for friendship or long term relationships. You can choose to be honest in your profile and state that you live a closeted life but hope to come out one day. You just never know who might respond to such an honest request for help.

 

I believe in living life as if it's your last day. Good luck.

[Guest greatness]

Gman

 

Here is a song for you. I hope you feel better. I can't send you the pvt message somehow so I'm writing here. Kisses and hugs~~

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9K4BKkLaCI&feature=related

[rvwnsd]

You have received some very sound advice here...let me add my two cents worth:

 

1) The only person you need to come out to is yourself. The rest are optional.

2) Don't beat yourself up for being closeted. You can't change the past. You can only shape the future.

3) Find a local LGBT center and volunteer. There has got to be something to do that sparks your interest. You will meet some great people, many of whom will probably be just like you.

4) Consider joining a men's coming out group. You will build a support network and find that you are NOT the oldest guy there. You might also meet some great new friends.

[+ purplekow]

You can change your life, but you have to really want to do it. Then you need to sit down, figure out what the hell it is you want and figure out a way to get from where you are to where you want to be. At this time of your life, if you don't want to tell your family you are gay, don't. They known. They know you know. Sometimes silence is golden. Don't ask, don't tell has some validity in some families. However, you should not compromise yourself by lying about who you are. No going on blind dates with just the right girl. Or you can simply face the music and move on from there. There was a show on LOGO named coming out stories. Almost to a person, they sweated coming out and the family already knew and was resolved to it. The only person being deceived was the one who hadn't come out. He or she was deceived into thinking that they were just that good that no one would ever know.

So come out do or don't but decide and move on.

Fat and unattractive. Diet, Exercise. Hell you may meet someone at the gym If your life is too busy to exercise, then being fat and out of shape is the choice you are making rather than giving up on those things that keep you busy and unhappy now.

Lonely. Unlikely that the porn star, cowboy, policeman, nebbish of your dreams is going to come knocking at your door looking for you. Get out. Hell even in Texas there must be somewhere to go. Volunteer. Go to church. Find a dance class. Go to any adult education facility and look for the guys that seem to be there for the same reasons you are.

The only person that can change your life is you. Decide to do, or bemoan your fate. That choice is yours.

[NYTomcat]

lonliness is all about one small change - you

 

OK Gman you have struck a chord. One story that I swore I would keep to myself but You give me good reason to say and share cause you need to understand your not alone at all.

 

Me, well theres an enigma. Ok I was in a relationship with a man at age 16 out at age 19 broken hearted by that 4 year relationship at 20. So I did the stupid thing and found the wrong guy at a bar. Two hours later I crawled to a security post at the University Hospital. Gang raped by three men, broken ribs, broken foot, concussion, bruises from head to toe and bleeding from my head and mouth. it took them 5 hours to stitch my ass back together. Funny how I can say this now what was the nightmare of my youth throughout my twenties. my secret past throughout my thirties and what is becoming my badge of honor in my 40s.

 

So after leaving the hospital I crawled straight to the closet (pun intended) married my best friend and have been living the lie to her and everyone for 20 years. If there is one thing I know its lonely. Ive joked many a time about the speed and bustle of NYC but the truth is you can be lonely in grand central station at rush hour. and many of us are. Its hard to fathom that life is passing by and no one knows us. even those we hold most dear will never know who we are. and what that leaves you with is a feeling of being totally isolated and alone.

 

Now I cant say I am lonely in the physical sense, but I know what you mean when you say what you want is a friend. Not just a lover, or a playmate or a one night stand (though all these things have there place too) But what most takes away the loneliness is a person who shares your life, and knows and understands you, and accepts you, and rides you about your failings but accepts you for them anyway. Sometimes that person is a sexual partner as well and sometimes they are not. Remember not to try and Hollywoodize your life. WE dont all get the perfect soul mate in fact im not sure anymore there is such a thing, but it doesnt matter. whats most important is that we share our lives with someone and share theirs in return.

 

I notice you are 49 and that also rings bells with me. Funny how are minds make the most of where we are at those turning points those years we face the big transition. at 29-30 I was very close. 8 years married and I was ready to toss off the mantel of the closet and strike out again but I wasn't there. I did also know that the one thing I had hated about being gay was that I would never have children. but i wasn't living gay so... I made the choice and had a family. To my everlasting credit, that was one of the best decisions of my life. while I am sure they will be the death of me, my children are my life in many many ways. But this too is not enough. You and I and almost every person on the planet will tell you, you cannot live for them alone and you will still have that lonliness of never sharing who you are.

 

At 35 the depression hit, children and all I couldn't see past the lonliness and any way out. I was born to an alcoholic and heroine addicted father so drugs were never an answer for me. That kind of escape I would never allow. It was the antithesis of everything I believed. But I still looked for escape, life was too hard. Ok enough of that

 

Therapy got me through but still it never healed the underlying problem alone with no one to share my life with. So I ate. and ate, and ate. At 40 I hit almost 300 lbs. ok I have a big frame but still 300 lbs is 300lbs. I knew I was killing myself slowly but who cared. I had surfed the web from adam4adam and manhunt and others but... a quick hook-up would not cure the problem. sex is great but its not a cure for lonliness in fact the aftermath is often to feel more lonely. Anyway

 

So In my lonely nightly jaunts across the internet I found the forum and from here I found a few nice men who seemed to talk about being gay and so I hired and I posted. I had not had sex with a man since that night 20 years prior. I was scared shitless. Panicked beyond belief, every night I would log in to see what the guys here would say and what advice they would offer a newbie. I actually had people talking to me about sex with men, ok not talking but writing. I have on many occasions posted that I could never thank the great PurpleKow and Leo Walker enough. well now you know why they listened and they heard and they cared. But for the first time I felt the start of not being alone. That someone I had never met was alive in the world and wanted to talk to me about the real me. Better, through the site I then met a man... live ...and we talked and I had a great time and then we went our seperate ways. But this man stayed in touch cause he cared about me. and I him. He heard all this story and shared some of his own past with me. Suddenly I wasn't alone anymore. Now this isnt some whirlwind Romance or life altering relationship its just two people who enjoy each others company and in whom you can trust to share your own intimate thoughts about yourselves and life. Its a friend but what the real power of that was how it effected me.

 

The only person who can make you happy, sad, angry, depressed or elated in this world is YOU. Its all how you respond to the world around you. For me I just needed someone to hear all this that I had never shared and say its no big deal, your fine. To like me for just who I actually was. Trust me when I say in my straight life I have many many friends (none of whom knew me at all). The closet makes you great at hiding and I promise unless you invite someone in with you or step outside of it, it will always leave you feeling- alone. I cracked open the door and was lucky enough to find a friend who never let me close it. or at least kept talking through the door LOL.

 

So what did that one person do for me. It gave me the desire to never be alone hiding myself again. So today 8 months from the start of my forum journey. Do i still battle lonely... yes. Im still in the closet .... for now, (I have a family to get secure before I pull out such rugs from underneath them) But I have set up the road out with help from people here. Today I am nearly 100lbs lighter, I hit the gym 3-4 times a week and an elliptical machine every day. why... cause i want to live. I like myself, my kids and I want to see them into old age. Plus I want to find that whirlwind romance. maybe not today but soon. I want to go hang with Cooper and the hoovillians down at Club 20. I want to go the hooville weekend in Palm springs. Ive met literally dozens of people (mostly from right here at daddy's). and yes I still have that best friend whom I rely on and who I think relies on me. and PK and LEO to chat with as well as many many new ones who are very important to me (Doit, TB, AdamSmith, Oliver, The Hooville 13)

 

So what I am trying to say here in a very long winded way is... its not about finding the right guy. or finding the right site, you can do that right here. Its about finding the people who care about you. opening up. and realizing your not alone at all unless you feel that way. If you can be lonely in grand central station the reverse is also true. You can feel thoroughly surrounded by people who care about you even though you sit alone at a computer screen in a small town in texas. Its all about how you feel about it.

 

Now in actually finding the man of your dreams let me say this... how the hell should I know Im a closeted married guy. However I know one thing. When you feel good about yourself. When you feel like you have people in your life, when you cant wait to go out and experience life... it shows and you dont have to search that hard because life and others are drawn to the people who are enjoying their own life. So try.. and believe me I know this one is the hard one... try and find the joy in your own life knowing your not alone. and the dutchess is right do something for yourself, change something, buy yourself flowers. Go out, hell come to NY and party at a strip club with the boys. it doesnt have to be that big or it can be momentous (lose a 100lbs and hit the gym everyday, hell move from where you are to a 400sq ft studio in Chelsea "thats part of manhattan for you non NYers") It doesn't matter what it is just find the joy in life and get out and start living. I promise the partner, buddy, fuckmonster whatever your searching for will find you if your out living. and if you honestly think that where you live is the problem (though I think we can find good friends almost anywhere but given im not texan I will hold off on guaranteeing that) take the steps and start planning the move. maybe not far but hey SA, Dallas, Houston, Hell go crazy and Come to NYC or Chicago ... (avoid LA I lived there and its hard for non californians to acclimate to, LOL sorry LAers just MHO)

 

So go ahead and get on all the sites you can find if that helps but dont look to solve loneliness through someone else. loneliness comes from you and how you feel. that notwithstanding, if you feel you need to break out of that and cant PM me. Nothing makes a NYer happier than hearing your woes and telling you what your doing wrong.

[+ Gar1eth]

I am Listening--or Rather Reading

 

I want to thank you all. If anymore people want to add anything please do. However I need to correct something or at least add something. NyTomCat reminded me how horribly remiss I was in not mentioning something. About 3 or 4 years ago, I made the acquaintance by e-mail of a fellow contributor to this board. I don't want to mention his Forum Name--and he doesn't contribute or read this Forum much anymore, but we started a conversation then which has continued to this day--there are lulls sure--but in general we e-mail multiple times a month. About 6 months after I made his online acquaintance, by chance I happened to make a similar friend from the Muscle Service Station Forums (which I don't read much anymore). I was talking to both of these wonderful guys about the same problems--and after a few months I made the suggestion that the three of us e-mail each other in common. So I introduced these two to each other by e-mail. So now for 3 years, the 3 of us have had regular e-mail correspondence. We have even met 2 years in a row for weekends. They are both wonderful guys without whom I don't know what I would have done. They are both so much wiser than I am that I don't know how I was lucky enough to find them. So when I talked about being friendless and alone--I have these 2 guys. The unfortunate thing for me is that one lives about 1200 miles away and the other lives about 2000 miles away. The lucky thing for them is that I live about 1200 miles away from one and 2000 miles from the other (I would probably be too much to take on a regular in person basis). So again I am lucky to have my two "rocks" but I just wish I had someone flesh and blood a little--ok a lot nearer.

 

But again I apologize to the the two of them for not acknowledging their importance in my life.

 

Gareth

[adriano46]

Gareth,

 

I have always enjoyed your posts here and missed this one until this morning. (Also appreciate and admire all the input from others, especially NYTomcat).

 

Well from one very closeted guy... all I can add is that I never beat myself up for being inside the closet. It is a choice I made long ago for my professional life and personal life. I have always maintained a large net of male and female friends and acquaintances and I make sure to socialize very regularly with all of them.

 

I have managed to get into (and nearly through) middle age without a lot of loneliness because I fill my time with work and leisurely activities that require that I mingle with others. I am with people so much, that time ALONE is actally good down time for me, time to recoup, recharge the batteries, and do what I want to do (be it a long walk, a special shopping spree, lingering here on the net, or even being an occasional couch potato and watching TV shoes that are inane.

 

BUT this is the life I chose and so, while yes, it would be great to have a significant other (or others), I am at peace with the life I have.

 

 

I also leanred through bad experiences that a "close friendship" with an escort is not quite what I need... if anything it can cause more complications that I do not really want at this time of life. I do have some close relations with a elect few escorts (mostly Euopeans), but I have learned to also keep an arm's length... and let's face it... I would prefer such a close relationship more with a man my own age, not someone more like the age of a fanthom son.

 

Much depends on where you live and work, and more, on what circle you move in. Volunteerism is a nice way to meet like-minded people without a sexual overtone. But if you are seriously seeking a close friend or friends who are like you (sharing similar tastes, interests, gay, perhaps equally closeted etc...) then the web is a good place to start.

 

Like some others here, I have learned to force myself to hit the gym so that I can age gacefully. I learned too that as I grow older, alone, I can be a sort of bitch to be around if I do not get my way on some things (like many here, I suspect) and the more one does live alone, certain patterns creep in (folding clothes neatly, or just kicking them off anywhere; drinking out of a glass, or out of the bottle; leaving the seat "up" or "down"; chewing with mouth open; chewing with mouth closed and quiet; being able to sleep SNORING or tossing and turning for fear of snoring and bothering the person next to you; the list is endless and gets longer as we age.

 

Gareth, there is a lot of good advice above here -- and I am sure you can find something to help you, knowing many here are in the same boat and rooting for you.

[Guest greatness]

I hope you feel better

 

Glad you are back~~~ I hope you feel better soon... we all are on the same boat as the other poster said..

[whipped guy]

We're on your side little green guy!

 

 

Well from one very closeted guy... Gareth, there is a lot of good advice above here -- and I am sure you can find something to help you, knowing many here are in the same boat and rooting for you.

 

Gareth… I just caught this and I always have enjoyed your posts as well…

 

Moreover, please be assured that many of us here have been at one time or another in your situation and the all the advice has been great. In fact, you probably have done many guys here quite a service… as you are certainly not alone… Never have I seen or read such heartfelt and sincere postings in all the time that I have been visiting here. This place is really one heck of a community.

 

Now I really thought that you seemed to have it all together… perhaps it is the sight of that happy little green munchkin that proved to be a bit misleading…. But I think that you chose that little green Gman for a reason… as that really represents the real you… and that deep down you possess the capacity to enjoy and relish life. Somewhere deep inside your persona that little guy is lurking and just waiting to burst out… well maybe not “out out” … but you know what I mean. Shoot! There I go inadvertently quoting Macbeth and perhaps it was fortuitous… “Out, out brief candle...” is not what we aspire to! We are all here too briefly and we want that candle to glow, grow, and enlighten others.

 

I am really not good at giving advice, but hopefully you will take heart by knowing that one more person is definitely on your side.

[+ purplekow]

"out out damned spot" Ms. MacB. is the quote that came to my mind.

Gazoo, voiced by Harvery Korman of Carol Burnett fame, the aforementioned green gremlin is a fun loving guy who happened to invent a Doomsday Machine and was exiled to earth for this transgression. . Maybe you just need to find Fred and Barney and head out for the night

[whipped guy]

"out out damned spot" Ms. MacB. is the quote that came to my mind.

Gazoo... the aforementioned green gremlin is a fun loving guy...

Purple... you certainly know your colors...

 

I always think of the Lady Mac quote as well as it corresponds nicely to the aria “Una Macchia e qui tuttora” form the Verdi opera. However, it has only one “Out" at the begining... the complete phrase being "Out damned spot, out I say'... as opposed to “Out, out brief candle…” and is more like “Aut… aut” (Either… or) in Latin as in Aut viam inveniam aut faciam. (I’ll either find a way or make one.) Now that’s a quote that might just work in this thread as well…

[doitb4ugo]

An Armada

 

Gareth,

 

There are certainly enough people in the same boat as you to form an armada. I'm also closeted and married. I panicked on my 59th birthday that my life was winding down and I had not ever explored my "gay" sexuality. I started exploring how to do this without disrupting my whole other life which I wanted to keep. I started last fall with sensual massage and quickly found this site where I hit a goldmine....many people on this site have helped me with this part of my experience.

 

During the winter I became depressed and think it may have to do with your very issue. While I have a few friends in my life, I have no gay friends other than here. Trying to balance my new thoughts with my older life was too much for me. Coupled with my age and my work-life, I was beginning to go under. With support and help and advice from people here on the forum, I am now doing much better and have seen a doc about treating my depression. It seems to be working.

 

I started also to go to the gym every day before work to both improve my mood and to get me to be in better shape and healthier. I have lost about 50 lbs. and feel so much better about myself.

 

Like you, my loneliness can be fixed. It takes some effort and it takes getting over certain fears that keep us thinking about what is wrong with our lives rather than starting fresh and making the rest of our lives something we want them to be...It is a journey and takes considerable time and effort but I don't think we have anything better to do....We can be what we make ourselves to be.

 

I often remark that I just plain think too much...It's time to put the thoughts aside and DO-IT.

 

You have many people here who care and want you to suceed. You can do it too even if you think that your problems seem insurmountable..You need to know they are not.

 

Wishing you only the best,

[best hotel]

Gar1eth and respondents....thanks for the moving posts....i,too have been lonely both in and out of the closet.....and in and out of relationships....straight and gay......hang in there sweet men....i wish you love and peace

[NYTomcat]

Gman. I am glad you have those friends and others here. Just so you understand. I know thats not enough and that we still need that live interpersonal interaction. I just want you to start looking at the starting point. You dont have to come out all over the place. But small steps of letting people in. This forum was one. Your two friends another. Now make vacation plans for somewhere and meet some more. Plan ahead on the forum or other sites. It doesn't have to be expensive. I Just spent a fabulous (word used for gay effect) weekend in Dallas. Thats close to you get in your car get a hotel on priceline and see who is online to intro you to gay Dallas. As an example. Now im sure there are better places. One of you friends perhaps. But money can be an issue. If not im told some European escorts are great at exploring the continent with. But assuming we all watch our pennies. It can just be fun times out with like minded men. In your area