Why do I keep hiring escorts ? Is it low self-esteem?

[cynicalflannelwearer]

I realize this is an escort review forum, but I think that I need to find out if I should stop hiring and make an effort to get into the "real world" and find a guy that likes me for me and not because I am paying them.

 

The first problem is that i can no longer afford these meetings, especially after the last one that went very badly, and btw, thanks for your support on the matter.I am not a wealthy man and the money I spend on an hour with an escort can be much better spent on other more important things.

 

The second problem is that I fell in "love" with an escort I had seen several times over a period of several months. Oh man what a disaster that was.I will never let that happen again as it caused me great pain and agony that to this day I am still trying to deal with.

 

And lastly, I am gay, single, no kids, 37, and I feel that while I may not be in the best shape I am an attractive guy and feel that if I put some effort into it , and maybe some time at the gym,that I could find someone that likes me and finds me attractive .

 

Could my low self-esteem be keeping me from getting out there and finding someone special to have a real relationship with? I' m tired of trying to find something I can never find with an escort which is an actual relationship and genuine affection.I have never felt good about myself and that started with my childhood and seems to be getting worse as I age.

 

I realize I am making this thread all about me and my issues, but I think that others may be able to benefit from some soul searching and may identify with some of the issues I am having.Thanks.

[Diverdan]

Low Self Esteem

 

I suggest you spend a little of your hard earned money and seek out a gay counselor to help you sort things out.

 

I have had some bad experiences with hired guys and some fantastic ones, but I never let my fantasies about a relationship with any of them prevent me from having great gay friends, some of whom were also f... buddies !!! The very first guy I hired was a young divorced guy with a son. I did not know that at the time but I saw him many, many times, and over the course of a year, he shared a lot with me about himself, his work and life. He only escorted on the side and had a regular full time job. We got to the point that I sometimes would spend the day with him and his son, as good friends might, and then when he dropped his son off we had our own time together. But over the five or six years that I spent with him, I never thought the relationship would develop into anything more than it was. He eventually stopped escorting and started living with another guy that he met through work. I say all of this to say that it takes all kinds of relationships and if you have doubts about yourself and relationships, I think that some counseling would help you sort things out.

[cynicalflannelwearer]

I suggest you spend a little of your hard earned money and seek out a gay counselor to help you sort things out.

 

I have had some bad experiences with hired guys and some fantastic ones, but I never let my fantasies about a relationship with any of them prevent me from having great gay friends, some of whom were also f... buddies !!! The very first guy I hired was a young divorced guy with a son. I did not know that at the time but I saw him many, many times, and over the course of a year, he shared a lot with me about himself, his work and life. He only escorted on the side and had a regular full time job. We got to the point that I sometimes would spend the day with him and his son, as good friends might, and then when he dropped his son off we had our own time together. But over the five or six years that I spent with him, I never thought the relationship would develop into anything more than it was. He eventually stopped escorting and started living with another guy that he met through work. I say all of this to say that it takes all kinds of relationships and if you have doubts about yourself and relationships, I think that some counseling would help you sort things out.

 

Yeah, you are probably right. I need some major counseling. But I have never developed a friendship with an escort. They never seemed to be interested in anything but the money, and while that is fine,they need to make money too, I never felt that they were being genuine with me, even the one that I fell in love with! I wonder why I fell for him? He wasn't even nice to me most of the time.Hey, that's something I could bring up with a therapist!

[Guest greatness]

well

 

Be positive of yourself. It's a lot of money you should invest and save for your retirement. I've experienced meetings with escorts can end badly several times so I understand what you are going through. Please be positive of yourself. Every relationship has a price whether we like it or not. A guy can be hot but can be a disaster as a spouse so maybe it is lucky for you that you are not in a relationship with someone detrimental to you. Anyways, I hope you can increase your self-esteem and look at things in a different perspective

[NYTomcat]

OK just another point. Why hire or are you attracted to a man you pay to be with you and who treats you badly. I have some very good acquaintances and even some I would call friends who are escorts. The truth is why pay or fall for someone or both who treats you badly. You can have a paid sexual friendship with the right Guy if its what you want. But truth is IMHO you need to know who you are to know what you want and expect from friends and escorts.

 

I know how hard that is and I was lucky enough to have a friend who helped me discover it. But a therapist can help there too. But if your going to hire try one of the bfe well reviewed escorts and let them show you what it feels like to have a caring friendship if even only for an evening. It was an eye opener for me. And a motivator. I'm typing this from the gym. 81 lbs lighter. And three shirt sizes smaller. You may just realize what you want. Not from the man but from the experience

[doitb4ugo]

Multitask

 

I realize this is an escort review forum, but I think that I need to find out if I should stop hiring and make an effort to get into the "real world" and find a guy that likes me for me and not because I am paying them.

 

The first problem is that i can no longer afford these meetings, especially after the last one that went very badly, and btw, thanks for your support on the matter.I am not a wealthy man and the money I spend on an hour with an escort can be much better spent on other more important things.

 

The second problem is that I fell in "love" with an escort I had seen several times over a period of several months. Oh man what a disaster that was.I will never let that happen again as it caused me great pain and agony that to this day I am still trying to deal with.

 

And lastly, I am gay, single, no kids, 37, and I feel that while I may not be in the best shape I am an attractive guy and feel that if I put some effort into it , and maybe some time at the gym,that I could find someone that likes me and finds me attractive .

 

Could my low self-esteem be keeping me from getting out there and finding someone special to have a real relationship with? I' m tired of trying to find something I can never find with an escort which is an actual relationship and genuine affection.I have never felt good about myself and that started with my childhood and seems to be getting worse as I age.

 

I realize I am making this thread all about me and my issues, but I think that others may be able to benefit from some soul searching and may identify with some of the issues I am having.Thanks.

 

 

cynicalflannelwearer, your post goes right to the heart of something I have been wrestling with for a number of months. While on the surface, we are very different people with very diferent circumstances. I do however see a common thread here with what you are struggling with.

 

Being an avid reader in my day, I seem to want all the various pieces of my life's experiences to form a nice, neat, thematic whole.....I am in a way living in a novel. While I am not searching for a boyfriend or relationship when I hire an escort, I still need to make "meaning" out of the experience that fits with the rest of my life...I struggle because it never does.

 

I received some excellent advice for my issue. I was advised to "compartmentalize" my experiences so that I can separate them fromthe thematic whole of my existence....Not all that I do needs to fit into the rest of my life experiences. I'll grant you that I struggle to do this but realizing that my life is both the sum of its parts and escorts are a part of its sum....

 

No reason why you can't take on more episodes without breaking the rest of your life.....Multi-task, You can improve your self in the gym and date and hire escorts...no single action needs to consume all your energies....

 

Hope this helps....

[NYTomcat]

Very well said doitb4

[Guest greatness]

Congrats!

 

Can you get any hotter~~ Cold water please

 

I'm typing this from the gym. 81 lbs lighter. And three shirt sizes smaller.

[cynicalflannelwearer]

OK just another point. Why hire or are you attracted to a man you pay to be with you and who treats you badly. I have some very good acquaintances and even some I would call friends who are escorts. The truth is why pay or fall for someone or both who treats you badly. You can have a paid sexual friendship with the right Guy if its what you want. But truth is IMHO you need to know who you are to know what you want and expect from friends and escorts.

 

I know how hard that is and I was lucky enough to have a friend who helped me discover it. But a therapist can help there too. But if your going to hire try one of the bfe well reviewed escorts and let them show you what it feels like to have a caring friendship if even only for an evening. It was an eye opener for me. And a motivator. I'm typing this from the gym. 81 lbs lighter. And three shirt sizes smaller. You may just realize what you want. Not from the man but from the experience

I am not sure why I hire. Seems like most of the guys I hired are gay for pay, and we don't really do much together at all. The guy I fell for was gay for pay and very attractive and buff, but after the session I just felt empty and lighter in the wallet, even though I could not wait to see him again.I think I have issues with my masculinity, and him being straight and all man is what might have attracted me to him,and even though I am not feminine,I am certainly no jock.Another issue to bring up in therapy!

[Epigonos]

Cynicalflannelwearer whether or not you should seek counseling is something only you know. In some ways it is very difficult for someone my age (69) to give someone your age (37) valid advice. When I was your age I was not hiring escorts. I was also NOT looking for a long term relationship. I have always enjoyed living alone.

 

If a relationship is what you are looking for, and only you know if that is true, then I would recommend that you stop hiring escorts. Join of gym if changing your body is important to you. I joined a gym at 35. I was 6’ tall and weighed 145 pounds. One year latter I weighted 217 had a 32’ inch waist and 18” arms. If that is what you want to do just set you mind to it and go for it – you CAN do it. Again only you know if this is important to you.

 

Next you just might want to JOIN an organization where GAY guys with interests similar to your can be found. Join a gay bikers group, join a symphony orchestra patrons group, join a gay car club, join a art museum’s support group, the list can go on forever. The internet is great for researching where to finds groups that might interest you.

 

The main point I am feebly trying to make is 1.) decide what you want, 2.) decide where you can find what you want, and then 3.) go out and get it. You may be hesitant, you may make excuses but just kick yourself in the ass and get out of your shell and ACTIVELY pursue what you want

 

Good Luck

[cynicalflannelwearer]

Cynicalflannelwearer whether or not you should seek counseling is something only you know. In some ways it is very difficult for someone my age (69) to give someone your age (37) valid advice. When I was your age I was not hiring escorts. I was also NOT looking for a long term relationship. I have always enjoyed living alone.

 

If a relationship is what you are looking for, and only you know if that is true, then I would recommend that you stop hiring escorts. Join of gym if changing your body is important to you. I joined a gym at 35. I was 6’ tall and weighed 145 pounds. One year latter I weighted 217 had a 32’ inch waist and 18” arms. If that is what you want to do just set you mind to it and go for it – you CAN do it. Again only you know if this is important to you.

 

Next you just might want to JOIN an organization where GAY guys with interests similar to your can be found. Join a gay bikers group, join a symphony orchestra patrons group, join a gay car club, join a art museum’s support group, the list can go on forever. The internet is great for researching where to finds groups that might interest you.

 

The main point I am feebly trying to make is 1.) decide what you want, 2.) decide where you can find what you want, and then 3.) go out and get it. You may be hesitant, you may make excuses but just kick yourself in the ass and get out of your shell and ACTIVELY pursue what you want

 

Good Luck

 

Well I live in a medium sized city that is an hour and a half outside a major metro area, but it's not too far to find a gay group that I can join and meet some like minded people.

I was in a long term relationship that lasted several years, but that fizzled out a few years ago.Now I am stuck in this retirement area because of my job, but I don't have a special someone in my life anymore.But it's time for me to get past that and move on.

 

Thanks for the good advice!

[RickyDC]

Two Cents

 

Alright, I'm gonna give you my two cents -- because that's probably all it's worth.

 

I realize this is an escort review forum, but I think that I need to find out if I should stop hiring and make an effort to get into the "real world" and find a guy that likes me for me and not because I am paying them.

 

If you feel like hiring is keeping you from living in the "real world" then you should stop. Get yourself in the real world first - and then decide whether you want hiring to be a part of it.

 

The first problem is that i can no longer afford these meetings, especially after the last one that went very badly, and btw, thanks for your support on the matter. I am not a wealthy man and the money I spend on an hour with an escort can be much better spent on other more important things.

 

Always put your financial health first. If hiring is having a negative impact on your financial health and you feel like the money is "much better spent on more important things" then stop hiring until you can afford it.

 

The second problem is that I fell in "love" with an escort I had seen several times over a period of several months. Oh man what a disaster that was. I will never let that happen again as it caused me great pain and agony that to this day I am still trying to deal with.

 

I think that's understandable and very easy to do. Many escorts are physically attractive, great in bed, and have great personalities -- who wouldn't fall in love with that? But I'm glad you now realize the folly of it.

 

And lastly, I am gay, single, no kids, 37, and I feel that while I may not be in the best shape I am an attractive guy and feel that if I put some effort into it , and maybe some time at the gym, that I could find someone that likes me and finds me attractive.

 

It's always a good idea to stay in good physical shape -- better for your health, better for your self esteem, and better for your dating/romantic life. Get to the gym and go for it! Keep in mind that, just because you pay an escort, doesn't mean the escort can't find you attractive. There may be a presumption out there that clients are physically unattractive and that's why they hire. I don't think that's true -- I think there are many clients who are attractive and hire for a different reason.

 

Could my low self-esteem be keeping me from getting out there and finding someone special to have a real relationship with? I' m tired of trying to find something I can never find with an escort which is an actual relationship and genuine affection. I have never felt good about myself and that started with my childhood and seems to be getting worse as I age.

 

It is always a good idea to work on improving low self-esteem - because it's problematic in many different contexts. When you start dating or have a boyfriend - that low self esteem is going to cause difficulties -- trust me. How can you expect someone to love you if you don't love yourself? I tend to think that the opposite of "low self-esteem" is "self-confidence" -- and I find that a genuine relaxed sense of self-confidence is one of the sexiest things a guy can have -- go get it.

 

Just speaking for myself - not anyone else - I have found that a healthy way for me to think about escorts is - they are supplements not substitutes. You and I are about the same age. I cultivate friendships, go on dates, have long-term and short-term boyfriends, and -- every now and then I hire -- because it's fun. I don't expect an escort to be a substitute for another kind of relationship that's missing in my life. I don't think that would be fair to the escort -- or myself. So, if what you really want is a boyfriend, a husband, or a regular date -- go out there and get that! There's no reason why you can't have a genuine and caring relationship with an escort -- but you can't force the escort to be something he's not -- and you can't expect the relationship with the escort to be something it isn't.

 

I would encourage you to take advantage of any opportunities for counseling. Don't be too hard on yourself -- I think you're just going through very understandable and challenging issues. Stay positive and I wish you good luck!

[+ nycman]

Baby, it's time to re-build.

 

And it's a freaking blast.

 

Start with whatever it is you don't like about your life...and scrap it and rebuild.

 

Job, Body, Lover, Home,...whatever.....DITCH IT!

 

Escorts may or may not be a healthy part of that rebuilding....only you can decide that.

 

For me, they were. Much like you, I was overweight, recently single, in my 30's and lived

2 hours from the nearest gay bar. My life was a wreck. In a story I'm sure I told here

before, one escort really helped me recapture my self esteem. He honesty never seemed to

care what I looked like. If fact, as I got more buffed he seemed to lose interest in me. We

always kept a healthy distance emotionally, but we still bonded on a very deep level. At

our last meeting several years ago, when it came time to say goodbye he said "you don't

need me anymore". He was right and I stopped hiring him. He was a true angel from

heaven.

 

That escort and my trainer were worth more than a thousand visits to any therapist.

 

I still hire escorts, but its more for convenience sake. Chasing boys in circles around a

bar or online is something for which I have very little patience. I personally have no

desire for a real relationship. If I did, I think I'd have to stop hiring. It's just too easy to

order in and get exactly what you want every time. Real relationships aren't like that

and can't compete. And they shouldn't have to.

 

So...in summary. Ditch it and rebuild bro. Anything...and fucking everything you want.

Be selfish and make decisions that are best for you. Don't' worry about the outside

world for a while. Once you get your shit together...they will beat a path to your door.

[cynicalflannelwearer]

Baby, it's time to re-build.

 

And it's a freaking blast.

 

Start with whatever it is you don't like about your life...and scrap it and rebuild.

 

Job, Body, Lover, Home,...whatever.....DITCH IT!

 

Escorts may or may not be a healthy part of that rebuilding....only you can decide that.

 

For me, they were. Much like you, I was overweight, recently single, in my 30's and lived

2 hours from the nearest gay bar. My life was a wreck. In a story I'm sure I told here

before, one escort really helped me recapture my self esteem. He honesty never seemed to

care what I looked like. If fact, as I got more buffed he seemed to lose interest in me. We

always kept a healthy distance emotionally, but we still bonded on a very deep level. At

our last meeting several years ago, when it came time to say goodbye he said "you don't

need me anymore". He was right and I stopped hiring him. He was a true angel from

heaven.

 

That escort and my trainer were worth more than a thousand visits to any therapist.

 

I still hire escorts, but its more for convenience sake. Chasing boys in circles around a

bar or online is something for which I have very little patience. I personally have no

desire for a real relationship. If I did, I think I'd have to stop hiring. It's just too easy to

order in and get exactly what you want every time. Real relationships aren't like that

and can't compete. And they shouldn't have to.

 

So...in summary. Ditch it and rebuild bro. Anything...and fucking everything you want.

Be selfish and make decisions that are best for you. Don't' worry about the outside

world for a while. Once you get your shit together...they will beat a path to your door.

 

I am glad you found someone that you bonded with, and that helped you get your life together.And the fact that it was an escort is even more wonderful.

 

I feel like I may be going through a mid life crisis, so yes I do need to rebuild my life.

But being gay, single, and over 30 is like the kiss of death.lol. Seems like even if I do get my ass in shape most guys my age want someone younger, and younger guys want young guys. And finding a relationship is hard enough when your young and hot.

Well enough with the negativity, it's time for the new me!

[doitb4ugo]

 

But being gay, single, and over 30 is like the kiss of death.lol. Seems like even if I do get my ass in shape most guys my age want someone younger, and younger guys want young guys. And finding a relationship is hard enough when your young and hot.

Well enough with the negativity, it's time for the new me!

 

Hey cynicalfw, I truly hope you are wrong about this....I want to believe that while we all crave young guys, we have come far enough along (evolved) to where a relationship is possible built on many factors other than hotness. I think I'm right....When you find the way to loving yourself, someone will certainly be able to love you for you...If you think you are old...god help me at 60. I don't feel too old for anything....I'm not looking for a relasionship but If I were, I really believe I could find one.....I have a good 20 years left in me....You can keep your self-doubt ( I do) but control it so it doesn't define who you are....we all have room for ghosts in our lives.....

[+ purplekow]

First of all, stop wearing fucking flannel. You are a gay man not a lesbian.

Second. I am just a decade or two older than you and I am convinced 38 is the age I would retire to and live at forever if I could. You are old enough and man enough to do what you want and you should have the insight into yourself as to what those things are. You are still youthful enough that all the parts work and work pretty darn well. If there is a little rusted chrome on the bumper get it fixed either by working on it yourself or finding someone who can suck chrome off a bumper. You sir, are in the prime of your life. Assess what you want, get rid of everything else and set goals. Remember the goals are not as important as the ride to them. So you want a hot boyfriend. Go out, go to a gay bar, and get yourself rejected a few dozen times. Sooner or later you will find a yes out here and when you do, the next dozen rejections will be easier to take and the next yes will find a better you to say yes to.

So, grab yourself by the balls and start doing what you want with your life while the prime is there. This is not a fucking rehearsal for your life, this is your life.

[Guest greatness]

wow

 

I don't think I can get this from a twenty year old. I would prefer smart, wise and hot Purplekow to a twenty year old without any direction in life.

 

First of all, stop wearing fucking flannel. You are a gay man not a lesbian.

Second. I am just a decade or two older than you and I am convinced 38 is the age I would retire to and live at forever if I could. You are old enough and man enough to do what you want and you should have the insight into yourself as to what those things are. You are still youthful enough that all the parts work and work pretty darn well. If there is a little rusted chrome on the bumper get it fixed either by working on it yourself or finding someone who can suck chrome off a bumper. You sir, are in the prime of your life. Assess what you want, get rid of everything else and set goals. Remember the goals are not as important as the ride to them. So you want a hot boyfriend. Go out, go to a gay bar, and get yourself rejected a few dozen times. Sooner or later you will find a yes out here and when you do, the next dozen rejections will be easier to take and the next yes will find a better you to say yes to.

So, grab yourself by the balls and start doing what you want with your life while the prime is there. This is not a fucking rehearsal for your life, this is your life.

[instudiocity]

But being gay, single, and over 30 is like the kiss of death.lol. Seems like even if I do get my ass in shape most guys my age want someone younger, and younger guys want young guys. And finding a relationship is hard enough when your young and hot.

Well enough with the negativity, it's time for the new me!

 

let me count the stereotypes! Oh, wait, I don't have enough fingers & toes. Who gives a crap about all that?

 

Out at 42! By your statement it was a resurrection not a coming out.

[cynicalflannelwearer]

First of all, stop wearing fucking flannel. You are a gay man not a lesbian.

So, grab yourself by the balls and start doing what you want with your life while the prime is there. This is not a fucking rehearsal for your life, this is your life.

LOL! But flannel is back in fasion and i love grunge music!

Thanks for the wake up call. You are right.

[cynicalflannelwearer]

let me count the stereotypes! Oh, wait, I don't have enough fingers & toes. Who gives a crap about all that?

 

Out at 42! By your statement it was a resurrection not a coming out.

 

Well, it may be a stereotype, but stereotypes are based on truths.

And I came out in my late teens, not to family,I came out to my family in my late 20's, but to friends and others, so I guess I was able to see the ageism in the gay community first hand. Not that I am discounting what you are saying.

But that won't stop me from searching for that special someone once more.

[NYTomcat]

Look it could be worse. we are all out here. 40 gay married (yes to a woman) with two young kids and on the verge of coming out . I know how you feel but the reality is its time to grab life and go for it.

 

What's left to wait for. Hit the gym. and yes find an escort to make you feel good about yourself if it helps or not. But the reality is its up to you now. and I mean NOW. In the interim come to NY and hit Club 20 with the rest of us. trust me. If I can make the adjustment, you can.

[cynicalflannelwearer]

Look it could be worse. we are all out here. 40 gay married (yes to a woman) with two young kids and on the verge of coming out . I know how you feel but the reality is its time to grab life and go for it.

 

What's left to wait for. Hit the gym. and yes find an escort to make you feel good about yourself if it helps or not. But the reality is its up to you now. and I mean NOW. In the interim come to NY and hit Club 20 with the rest of us. trust me. If I can make the adjustment, you can.

 

Sometimes I wish I had gotten married to a woman and had a couple of kids.That does not mean I would be happier now and not hiring escorts, it just means that I would feel like I have a normal life, at least on the outside.

 

I should visit New York sometime.I was born in NYC. My parents moved when I was really young out to Arizona, where I live now.I have family there.

[+ azdr0710]

lots of good points here.....re-read them, flannel, because I need to, also....I live in Arizona, also....

 

I also suffer from low self-esteem/confidence....I've been seeing a gay counselor and attending a bi men's group...both are great.....it's been suggested that my low self-confidence is because of my extreme case of internalized homophobia (it's not at all homophobia - google it if needed)...very complicated, but one does need to "love themselves" before anything else - and I'm not there yet....I still think being gay is not normal and that entirely kills my self-confidence.....

 

I've met with several escorts over the last eight years...all have been decent and many have been excellent...I've been seeing a few regulars, lately....the counselor told me I should NOT see ones who profess to being straight because it hurts my self-esteem...(I seem less, to myself, in front of them for being bi/gay, he says)....hard to cut those ones off as I really prefer straight-acting guys...

 

all my friends are straight and I'm pretty much way in the back of a large walk-in closet...have told a few "safe" friends....

 

I hire because it's quick and easy to get the physical intimacy that we homosapiens are hard-wired to need...it's also fun to really roll around with an awesome stud.....

 

finances: of course, make sure you're paying off debt, saving for retirement, and all that, before you hire...from your past bad escort meet, move on to other well-reviewed guys for next time, but only if $$ allows...I know it's hard to wait because messing around with a stud is awesome....looking at porn on the 'net is only an OK substitute, unfortunately

 

I'm 47, need to lose 20 lbs., and need to face what I am....though it won't be the ultimate break-through I need, I want to get in shape, have no "strikes" against me, and then list myself on some dating site and see if something happens....

 

funny: I just thought of a chicken-and-egg thing....does low self-esteem cause you to hire escorts or does hiring escorts cause low self-esteem??!!

[Mark Gordon]

But being gay, single, and over 30 is like the kiss of death.lol.

 

So should I start composing my eulogy now? Don't be so hard on yourself. You have your life ahead of you and guys in their 30s are hot!

[cynicalflannelwearer]

lots of good points here.....re-read them, flannel, because I need to, also....I live in Arizona, also....

 

 

 

 

 

 

funny: I just thought of a chicken-and-egg thing....does low self-esteem cause you to hire escorts or does hiring escorts cause low self-esteem??!!

 

LOL- yeah, I am not sure , but I am thinking that it could go either way. I think that fear of rejection is what made me hire escorts, but the fact that I hire escorts does not make me feel very good either.

 

At least you have a family to come home to....sorry, I am assumming you are married with children.Please correct me if I am wrong.

 

I am straight-acting, for the most part, lol, but i need a makeover before I hit the gay bars again,and damn if it didn't take me until I was 28 to find someone to love that loved me back. But I guess I will never know until I try.