Depression...

[firsttimer]

What do you all do to cheer yourself up when you're feeling down about life?

[Guest ryan2552]

Depression is a terrible disease. If you really feel extremely depressed I strongly urge you to speak with a professional not seek advice from a message board.

 

Depression can be reactive (this past August my best friend died at the age of 25 I was extremely angry and depressed for several months, but that was normal I was reacting to a situation) or non reactive (this type of depression can be even more serious as there is no obvious reason for the depression) and depending on the type you are experiencing the type of care you need is quite different.

[ManToManDave]

Depression is a condition just as serious as many other body illnesses that require a doctor's care. Go to Wikipedia and search depression. If the symptoms they mention have been ongoing -- it is important that you see your regular medical doctor or a qualified therapist. A Licensed Certified Social Worker (LCSW) are cheaper and often more effective. Medication is also usually (but not always) very helpful.

 

When depressed, the worst thing you can do is harm yourself. The 2nd worst thing you can do is Nothing. FORCE yourself to get out of your house, to a gym, go for a walk or some other form of physical exercise. Also -- call or meet up with a friend or family member just to talk. Avoid alcohol and other drugs as they exacerbate the depression.

 

There are many other things you can do to combat depression -- just Google depression and see what they have to say.

 

Good Luck for someone who's been there...

 

Dave

http://www.ManToManEscorts.com

[Boston Guy]

That depends on what has made me feel down. If it is the death of a friend or loved one, I try hard to put that in perspective and celebrate the person's life. I try hard to be thankful for the time that they were in my life and the gifts they gave me.

 

If it's something to do with my career, I try to put that in perspective for careers are things that we do in order to allow us to do the things that are really important in life. I think everyone should have two or three careers. It's important to try to do as well as possible in a career, but having one career end and another start is not a life-ending event; in fact, it's often the beginning of a great new opportunity.

 

If it's a family matter or something with a friend, I try to be as understanding of them as I can possibly be. I try to understand how things look from their point of view and try to understand if and how I might be able to help. If it's an argument with someone I care for or respect, I apologize. It takes two to make an argument, so if an argument has occurred with me as one of the participants then I am at least as guilty as the other person and I will apologize. No argument is ever as important as a friendship. I try to hard to remember that my friends may disagree with me on serious subjects but that does not make them any less my friend.

 

Your thread title uses the word "depression". There are at least two different types of depression, I think, although in truth there are likely many, many types. But in your original post, you asked what we do to cheer ourselves up when we are feeling down about life. That's one kind of depression -- feeling sad or often sorry for ourselves, sometimes as a result of a particular event, like the loss of a friend or friendship. The other kind of depression is far more insidious, since it's a physical disease that really needs to be treated just like any other disease and should not be ignored or taken lightly.

 

There's another cause for depression and I'm going out on a limb here and guessing that it's at least part of what is occupying your thoughts now and that's loneliness. If I'm wrong, then please forgive me but if I'm right then there are things you can do and steps that you can take that can help you move to a better place. We are very social animals, we humans, meant to thrive in the company of others. Some of us prefer solitude more than others but we all need companionship and, to some extent, love.

 

It's easy to feel lonely in the middle of a crowd. For a very long time, gay men were often lonely and depressed for they could not admit to anyone who or what they were. They sought love and sex and companionship in the shadows and thought less of themselves because of it. Fortunately, we're a little past that but not completely past it and many gay men and women still live secret lives, lonely and full of longing.

 

There are some great gay books that deal with this theme, books that I am thinking of that I have not thought of in years. (Thank you for asking the question for I had forgotten these books entirely.) They can be useful in terms of understanding something about the lives and thoughts of gay men.

 

The real answer to your question -- and forgive me for meandering so in getting to it -- is to look honestly at what it is that is making you feel down and, having done so, to do something about it. Often, we cannot completely fix something in a short period of time but we can almost always take a step or two in the right direction and each step can make it easier to take the step after that.

 

If you can and if you feel comfortable, please let us know a bit more about what is troubling you. There are many good people here, including people who have at times felt down about life and found solutions that worked for them. If you can, let us try to help you.

 

BG

[Guest DuchessIvanaKizznhugg]

Firsttimer, I hope some responses here will touch a cord and help you through the doldrums. (I'm assuming you're not talking clinical depression, but even then, some of these may help revive your spirit.)

 

Firstly, remind yourself that the feeling WILL pass. Modern life is hard--no doubt about it--and the occasional "blues" seems to be part of the package.

 

Get some exercise.....even as simple as a walk around the block with some deep breathing can help. Walk in a neighbourhood that you've always meant to, and take some comfort in the new things you see. Enjoy the sun on your face or the rain. (Sorry, can't help with the snow)

 

Induce laughter in some way...see a funny movie (or even some silly youtube clips)

 

Visit a greenhouse.

 

Try something new.....a new restaurant, a new route home, a new coffee or tea....anything that shakes up the routine a little.

 

Do something creative.....write a poem, a short story, make a drawing, or design a fabulous outfit for Pride or Halloween.

 

Borrow a friend's dog for the day, and enjoy the companionship it offers. Let him/her lick your face (the dog, not your friend)

 

Talk with someone you haven't spoken to for a while, and tell them something nice that you like about them. Even an email can work.

 

Hug a friend extra hard, and enjoy the hug you get back, too.

 

Treat yourself to some flowers.

 

Do something absolutely silly......and don't worry what people will think of you. (Paint your toenails!)

 

Try to remember that there ARE people who care about YOU (even though it might not seem like it)

 

Hope this post and this pic put a little sunshine in your life.

 

http://i965.photobucket.com/albums/ae139/DuchessIvanaKizznhugg/Daffodils.jpg

[Boston Guy]

Duchess,

 

That was a very thoughtful post.

 

Did you pick the daffodils because of William Wordsworth's poem?

 

BG

 

"I WANDERED LONELY AS A CLOUD"

 

I wandered lonely as a cloud

That floats on high o'er vales and hills,

When all at once I saw a crowd,

A host, of golden daffodils;

Beside the lake, beneath the trees,

Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

 

Continuous as the stars that shine

And twinkle on the milky way,

They stretched in never-ending line

Along the margin of a bay:

Ten thousand saw I at a glance,

Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

 

The waves beside them danced; but they

Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:

A poet could not but be gay,

In such a jocund company:

I gazed--and gazed--but little thought

What wealth the show to me had brought:

 

For oft, when on my couch I lie

In vacant or in pensive mood,

They flash upon that inward eye

Which is the bliss of solitude;

And then my heart with pleasure fills,

And dances with the daffodils.

1804.

[firsttimer]

Thanks for all your suggestions.

 

It is the sort of depression that BG was talking about, the "insidious" kind. I do feel sorry for myself (self pity is another good word to describe it) and lonely. That basically sums it up. I think that's why I started reading and participating in this board back in August of last year. I thought maybe if I tried to find an escort, it might fill some of that void.

 

A lot of it definitely has to do with living a lie which is what guys like me who are in the closet do. I hide it from all my close friends and my coworkers. My family does know but is not approving of it. To the rest of the world, I am a guy who likes girls, period.

 

I have seen multiple medical professionals and have tried four different antidepressants without improvement.

 

What I really needed was someone to vent to I think since I'm down things going on in my life. On the outside, I'm put together, successful at work, well liked, but on the inside, I'm just alone.

 

I do think good suggestions are to talk to someone. I called up two of my closest friends who don't live in my city to talk to them on the phone but I didn't feel like burdening them (one was about to go out to the club and another was out to dinner with her husband). Why make them worry and feel bad about me.

 

I was so desperate that I even called another board member who kindly gave me his cell phone even though he told me that he was going out with friends. Isn't that sad? That I was so desperate for a voice that I had to call a complete stranger as opposed to my family or friends?

 

As glutes told me today in an email, I should be thankful for everything I have. Compared to the starving children in Africa or the homeless Hatians, I live a great life. I am thankful that a random stranger from this board gave me his cell phone and that I could call him even if he couldn't talk. I'm thankful that you all listen and share your advice with me. That since I joined in August, there are a handful of board members who spend the time to privately email me with advice.

 

I think I should just try to sleep and start tomorrow off a new day.

[Guest DuchessIvanaKizznhugg]

Thanks, BG.

I haven't come across that poem before, but it sure does capture the power of daffodils.

Wordsworth knows whereof he speaks!

 

Thanks for sharing.

[Boston Guy]

Firsttimer,

 

Will you allow me to congratulate you?

 

Perhaps you do not feel like you should be congratulated but I think you should be because you have taken a rather large step, believe it or not. You've identified and written down in your own words what is bothering you.

 

It's possible that you are clinically depressed -- meaning that there is a medical cause for your depression. But if the antidepressants aren't helping you, is it possible that perhaps it isn't the clinical kind of depression but rather the old-fashioned "I'm really sad because I'm really lonely" kind?

 

Regardless of what else is going on, you're living a lie. You self-identify in one way and then pretend to be something entirely different to the world. That is something that probably each and every one of us has done. I know that I did. I didn't come out as a gay man until fairly late in my 20s. For ten years prior to that, I tried to live life as a straight man and I was lonely and unhappy for a great deal of that time. Many gay men my age went through the same thing and it was harder for the ones who came before me because they lived more of their lives that way, not having much benefit from the gay rights movement.

 

You said "on the inside, I'm just alone." Well, how can anyone not feel down if they're alone, especially alone for a long period of time? You don't have to be clinically depressed to be sad when you're alone: being lonely is plenty of reason by itself to be depressed. But the good news is that there are things you can do to change this. You are not doomed to be alone for the rest of your life, I promise. There are choices that you can make that will help you find happiness. You just need to decide that's what you want and start taking those steps I was talking about.

 

I think I recall that you are in your 20s? Is that correct? I have a few suggestions that I think may be helpful but I'd like to have a sense of how old you are before putting them down on paper. (Sorry, none of them have anything to do with sex! )

 

Also, can you let us know where you live or, barring that, what type of community? Is it a small town? Rural town? Big city? And if not a big city, are you close at all to a reasonably large city?

 

Thanks!

 

BG

 

ps: You weren't desperate tonight when you reached out to folks; you were lonely. That's a horse of a completely different color and a completely normal human reaction.

[Boston Guy]

Thanks, BG.

I haven't come across that poem before, but it sure does capture the power of daffodils.

Wordsworth knows whereof he speaks!

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

I hadn't thought of it for a long time but I thought that you were channeling it when you posted a picture of daffodils in a thread that is centered in part on loneliness.

 

The poem is slightly more than 200 years old. It just goes to show that loneliness is just part of life and has been for a very long time. Fortunately, none of us have to be lonely and not being lonely is often simply a matter of making the right choices.

[Guest greatness]

firsttimer

 

Cheer up~~ I hope when you wake up in the morning you feel better and have a different outlook. I went through the same thing you did and I survived it.

You'll be fine. We all went/are going through the similar thing. We love you here and we will be your support. How about that. I have to bring out my SNAP Cup.

 

Snap Snap Firsttimer is so sweet and cute SNAP SNAP..

[+ azdr0710]

impressed with the replies in just these last four or so hours since firsttimer started this....great "community" here....

[+ purplekow]

Firsttimer, I wonder if you confided in your doctors that you are gay and that you are in the closet. Perhaps they may have offered something other than an antidepressant. It seems to me that you have identified some of the issues that are bothering you and that you have insight into what is going on with your life.

I would encourage you to do the following:

1 If you have any thoughts of doing yourself harm, immediately get medical help.

2 You need a friend or friends with who you can be yourself. Whoever it was that

gave you his number is being a great friend. He is just a friend that you have not met yet and there is nothing pathetic in that. Call him. If possible go and see him and perhaps talk about the difficulties you are having in your life. Troubles shared are halved.

3 Do some research into gay support groups in you area. The only way for others to help you help yourself is to go out and ask for assistance. You have done the hard part, you have identified what is bothering you and you are willing to seek out help. Sometimes help is more easily accepted from strangers. There is less concern that they will judge you.

4 When you are ready, speak with family and friends about things in general. Sometimes just speaking with someone to whom you have a strong connection can lift your spirits. You may want to start your conversation with something akin to: "I called you because I am having a rough time and need to have my spirits lifted a bit."

You can then opt to speak to them about what the issue is or defer that and say that you just want to talk about some good times you have shared so as to raise your spirits.

5 Please accept a helping hand from whichever direction it comes. Sometimes a complete stranger on the street can say or do something that alters your life. You can have the same effect on other people and not even realize that you are helping them. A few days ago I was at the dog park and a woman who I had seen there on a few occasions came up to me to thank me for helping her to lose weight. I had no idea why she was thanking me. She said that she had seen me walk the perimeter of the enclosed dog park, about 1/4 mile and when I got back to the gate, I told someone that if nothing else, at least I got that much exercise that day. She told me that since then she has walked the perimeter each time she comes with her dog. She is up to 10 laps when she comes with the dog and she and the dog are enjoying their time at the park much more than when she just sat on the bench. Now I am still doing only my one lap but I think perhaps I should start doing a bit more. You make a difference firsttimer and the posts here prove that. You have people talking and sharing and perhaps some lurker somewhere is realizing that he isnt alone in the way he feels.

So firstimer, you are a young man with a life filled with unexpected joy ahead of you. The course will not be level. Climbing the hills will bring you to the greatest vistas, but you do have to make the climb. Don't be afraid to accept a hand when the road gets steepest.

[Lookin]

What do you all do to cheer yourself up when you're feeling down about life?

 

I watch "Cops" for a short-term fix. An hour of that show convinces me that I'm not as screwed up as I thought.

 

For a longer-term fix, I volunteer. I've been doing some projects in my community, but my resolution this year is to start working with seniors. I'm not sure what form it will take; maybe chores, maybe errands, maybe rides. Something personal. I know from past experience that doing something to help someone else in their life is the best way to feel better about myself and my life. It's hard to get started, but making a declaration is the first important step.

 

It's the step you've made, firsttimer, by reaching out to your friends, and to your supporters here. If you didn't deserve a happy life, you wouldn't have so many people around you who think you do. I'll add my congratulations too. My bet is you're on your way up and you'll have the support you need.

 

Good sex will follow.

[Guest gryphone]

depression

 

You mentioned numerous anti depressants from professionals. This implies that they were prescribed by general practitioners and not

psychiatrists. It is a staple of recent research that the best and most

enduring results in treating depression come from a combination of

anti-depressants and psychotherapy and that many problems with

anti-depressants alone stem from lack of knowledge by the prescribing physician who is not a psychiatrist.Good therapy can be

found with a psychologist or psychiatrist, but a combination of good

therapy and knowledgeable prescribing is the best route. If there is

a med school nearby, contact their psychiatry out patient department or the mental health association office in your city or

state. It may take time and effort to find the right professionals but

it will be worth it.

[firsttimer]

Wow, thank you for all your outpouring of support. I really appreciate the board members who have responded, but here and in private messages. It kept me from doing harm to myself last night as I could just go to sleep and feel like someone out there felt for me.

 

So many questions were brought up so if I forgot to reply just ask me again. I'm a pretty open person but kind of private when it comes to these things (obviously since I've been hiding them from so much of the world besides my immediate family).

 

I'm 28 years old.

I live in Chicago hence all my previous posts at finding a Chicago guy. It's the third largest city in the US. Which when I think about it makes me even more depressed that in this huge city I can't find someone.

 

I have seen MD psychiatrists, PhD psychologists, and Christian counselors. The antidepressants I have tried were each for a month before I had to stop due to side effects hindering my work. Also I found no benefit. I think the depression comes from being lonely and unable to share these feelings I have with my closest friends as I'm leading a double life. That's why I thought of finally trying to hire an escort to try to fufill some of that feeling and experience of being with a guy which I had never had before my first encounter in August. We all know how that one didn't end up well. Follow that with multiple ignores from replies to rentboy and Craig's List plus some fake escorts (the two I gave 40 dollars to), and a guy off of CL who no shows three times with me (I know CL is unreliable but he was only asking for 100 and that's more resonable for someone like me given my income than hiring someont for 250 so I tried). Even though I'm super picky and am looking for a particular kind of guy, I see them walking around the street everyday and wonder why I can't find just one through all this! When I look back, I think to myself, what am I doing? Where did I go wrong? That with all that's happened I still haven't found that that even if I have to pay for it, is what I'm looking for to hold me and listen to me. I'm not looking for sex.

 

I come from a Christian home. One that views these thoughts as wrong and from Satan. That I can change if I pray harder, read the Bible, and stay away from all these temptations. (Although my family knows about my thoughts I have kept away from them that I have seen an escort as that would probably make them suicidal if they knew I was starting to experiment). I know many of you out there will say that's wrong, don't believe that. But it's a deep part of my soul, being Christian, and a lot of guilt and remorse comes out of that worsening my depression.

 

I am not ready to come out of the closet. As I finish up my work and life here in Chicago I don't want to change everyone's views and opinions about me. And I know many of you will say that's just what I need to do. The other board members who I've been talking to privately for months before this all have brought that up too. I can upend my life like that now as I'm sure I'd commit suicide dealing with all the new stress that comes with such a life changing decision.

 

God I sound like such a whiner. These are some of my honest thoughts floating around my head in no particular order. I thank you all for reading and listening again. It's really hard for me to share such personal things in writing and to strangers. But better have one outlet than none and explode right?

[Guest TBinCHI]

Firstimer,

Please look at your private messages.

TB

[+ glutes]

What an outpouring to help a fellow Hoovillian here, well done boys!

[Boston Guy]

Firsttimer, I need something shorter to call you than "Firsttimer", so I'm going to call you "FT". I hope you don't mind -- I'd be happy to use another nickname if you've got one you want me to use.

 

I saw your message this morning and smiled, for several reasons:

 

1. You got through the night ok, saw the other messages here and realized that even though all of us are on the other ends of wires, you're not alone. That's a pretty important thing to realize.

 

2. You're 28. That's very close to the age that I was when I went through a critical point very similar, I think, to what you're going through.

 

3. You're in Chicago. It would be hard to find a better place to be for someone who is going through the problems that you are trying to solve.

 

I'm not writing to you via PM. I'm choosing to write openly, so others can read this. Why? Because for each of us who post there are many lurkers and I promise you that you are not the only one here who is dealing with issues that stem from being gay and surrounded by pressures from people who are essentially trying to tell you not to be who are you.

 

You're not crazy. You're not nuts. And there's nothing wrong with you. You're very lonely and that leads to all sorts of feelings: profound sadness, wanting to reach out make contact with SOMEONE, feelings that there must be something wrong with you (otherwise why would you be lonely), guilt, suicidal feelings, etc., etc. But those things all come from the loneliness. It's incredibly easy to be lonely in a big city, almost easier than in a small town. In a small town, everyone knows who you are and everyone knows everyone. In a big city, it's easy to be anonymous and alone and lonely. One would think it would be very hard to be lonely in a crowd but it's terribly, terribly easy.

 

I wonder what advice you'd give someone who was lonely? If that person were sad and lonely and miserable, would you tell them to go see a doctor and get antidepressants? Would you tell them to pray for salvation? If you heard someone telling that person those things, what would you think? I know what I'd think: it would be just like telling a man whose stomach hurt because he was hungry to go get antidepressants or pray for salvation. Nice, innocent-sounding advice but it won't help the poor guy because it doesn't begin to address the root cause of his problem: he's hungry. Until he gets some food and solves his hunger, he's going to be hurting.

 

Loneliness is a lot like hunger. It's primal and reflects a need that's deep inside all of us, a need for companionship and affection. If you take a man and deprive him of those things, then he's going to be lonely. Any one of us would be. It's a totally natural reaction to a totally normal, strong human need for companionship.

 

Before I go any further, I want you to stop and think about that for a minute. As humans, we are programmed to need companionship and affection in our lives. We have to have it. We can walk through our lives without it, if circumstances force that upon us, but if so then we will be lonely. It's just like being hungry if we don't have food. If we are not allowed companionship and affection, then we will be lonely. One follows the other like night follows the day.

 

You've been asking "what's wrong with me" in a variety of ways. I suspect that you've gone through all kinds of variations on that theme with other people, including the doctors that you've talked to. "What's wrong with me?" "Why do I feel this way?" "Why can't I be happy?" "How can I be so lonely in such a big city?" "Everyone else is happy, how can I be alone -- what's wrong with me?" The thing that I want you to think about and consider is this: there's nothing wrong with you. You are feeling a totally human, totally normal feeling: you're lonely. You're lonely because of a lack of companionship and affection in your life. That's it, in a nutshell. That's the problem and that's why you're lonely. Not because you're crazy or sick or sinful or anything else. You're down on life because you're lonely and you're lonely because of a lack of companionship and affection.

 

Sound too simple? Trust me, for I speak decades later with the voice of deep experience and, decades later, I well remember the great feelings of loneliness and despair and wondering what was wrong with me and wondering if I should just kill myself and end the whole thing. When you're in the middle of this stuff, it's black and bleak and seems like there might not be any solution at all and at times you wonder how can you even keep going on.

 

But from the outside looking in, it's easier to see the problem. It's easier to understand, especially for someone who has also walked the road that you are walking. I promise you that you can find happiness and companionship and affection and, if you're lucky, love. I promise you that you can be happy but you'll need to choose to be happy.

 

I'm going to write more in a little while; there are many things that I want to say to you. But, first, I'm going to stop here and ask a favor of you. After you read this post, even if my next posts are in the thread when you get back to the thread, please stop here. Please go and do something for a little while. Go get a cup of coffee, talk a walk, do something that will give you a little time to think. And what I want you to think about is what I've written above, but you can condense it down into a couple of things if you want:

 

1. You're feeling immensely sad and depressed precisely because you're lonely.

 

2. Humans are genetically programmed to need companionship and affection. We all need it.

 

3. If we are deprived of that companionship and affection, we will be lonely. Over time, the feelings of loneliness will grow and grow and almost become overwhelming.

 

4. You're normal. Yes, you're gay, but I'll tell you later why that's normal. Just trust me on that for a while.

 

So go give yourself a break and think about the fact that you're normal, you're human and you're depressed because you're lonely. Once you think about it in those terms, the solution becomes a lot easier to see: just like hungry man who needs food, the lonely man needs companionship and affection. Provide that and the loneliness will melt away.

 

I'll write more later.

 

BG

[KMEM]

BG-

 

I have to think that everyone who reads or posts on this board who is over 50 has gone through some of this. However, no matter how much one thinks one is "completely" emphathetic with another, each person has problems that are unique to them, hence the "until one walks in another's moccasins" old saying.

 

Regardless of all that, I think you offer good advice, felt from the heart as well as from experience.

 

Thanks.

 

Best regards,

KMEM

[firsttimer]

BG you're right on the money in terms of my feeling. Lonely. That's why I was seaching for a hot escort who fitted my ideals to see if that would fill some of this void.

 

I read your whole email and am going to go out for coffee like you said. Get out and clear up although it's rainy outside.

 

I will wait for your further advice. I have to tell you though if it involves coming out I'm totally not ready for that at this point in my life. I will be anxiously waiting your reply =).

[Boston Guy]

FT,

 

I hope you enjoyed your walk.

 

Life presents us with many options. We're faced with choices all day long, every day of our lives. We make decisions about what to eat, what to wear, what to do, what route to take as we head to work, what to say to the people around us and what not to say. We constantly make decisions and those decisions guide our lives.

 

Some choices are easy and the resulting decisions so inconsequential that we hardly remember them. Choosing what to have for breakfast is usually a pretty easy thing to do and we make our decision without a lot of thought. Can you remember what you decided to have for breakfast on December 21st? I know I can't. But other decisions are far more important and the ramifications of our choices can have far-reaching effects on the course of our lives and the lives of others. There are times when we need to choose well.

 

You may have inferred from some of our banter that KMEM is a very experienced pilot and that I am a private pilot with far, far less experience. When learning to fly, pilots need to learn how to handle emergencies that can occur in the course of a flight. If you're flying along at 5,000' above the ground and your engine suddenly quits, that constitutes an emergency. It doesn't constitute a death sentence but if the pilot makes bad decisions then the engine-out emergency can indeed turn into a fatal situation.

 

Suppose you're the pilot of a small plane and you're alone in the plane and you're at 5000' above the ground when your engine stops. What's the worst thing you can do? If you guessed panic, that's about right. Instead, your training will kick in and help guide you through an analysis of what's wrong and what to do next. At 5000' in a typical small plane with no engine, you've got perhaps seven minutes before you're going to be on the ground one way or another. That's a lot of time but you have to use it wisely.

 

One of the first things the pilot will do is look outside for a suitable emergency landing spot -- a field, a park, a road or whatever is available and in reach -- and then start to head for that field. Why? Because that's the most important thing to do first: find a place to go and start heading there. Only then will the pilot turn his attention back inside the plane and start working his way through the possible causes of the engine failure. If he can restart the engine, then he's on his way. If not, he knows that's he heading for a landing that will hopefully be a safe landing in some field. Once he's done everything he can do and knows that he cannot restart the engine, he'll begin preparing the plane for an off-field landing and will communicate with others over the radio to let them know what he's doing. In essence, after an engine failure, a pilot will use good judgment based on his training to identify the most important things he needs to do and will do those first and then to move on to the next things. This process will help guide the pilot toward the most favorable possible outcome.

 

Once safely on the ground, the pilot and others will begin to analyze what went wrong. Pilots talk about accident "chains", for most accidents occur not because of one bad mistake but usually because of a chain of events that led up to the accident. In such a chain of events, you can stop the ultimate accident by breaking the chain at any point along the way. For example, suppose a mechanic worked on the engine and forgot to put oil back on the engine. Then the pilot forgets to check the oil during his preflight. Then he forgets to check the oil pressure after starting the engine. Then he forgets to check it again before takeoff. So he takes off and very soon is faced with an engine failure because of a chain of events that could have been broken at several different points by someone who was thinking clearly.

 

I know that you're likely wondering where the heck I'm going with this. But our lives are full of decisions and we often make mistakes when we make those decisions. Sometimes we have accidents or other things occur that are embarrassing or unfortunate in some way or another. Very often, those things are the result of a chain of events based on a series of bad decisions. But, as humans, we very often fail to stop and look back and ask the question "how did I get here?" It's a simple but very, very complicated question: "how did I get here?" And there's another simple but complicated question that goes along with it: "where do I want to be?" And that leads to a third question: "If I'm not where I want to be, will doing the same things that I've been doing all along bring me to where I want to be?"

 

We can lie to anyone. We can pretend all we want to the world and sometimes we can get away with it. But it's hard to lie to ourselves and it's usually a bad idea. Building a happy life is a hard enough thing to do in any event and doing it without being honest with ourselves about who we are and what we want just makes it all that more difficult. Far better, I think, to be honest with ourselves, about who we are, what makes us happy, what's important to us and not important to us, and where we want to go with our lives.

 

I think that you've likely been in this unhappy situation for a good period of time. You've seen medical doctors and others for counseling and medication. You've clearly thought about it a lot and, if anything, you feel that your situation is more desperate than it was before. Why? Well, because nothing that you've done has solved the problem and the problem is still there and you're still lonely. If nothing that you've done has solved it and it's still there and feeling worse than ever, well why wouldn't you or anyone else feel a little desperate?

 

Picture a man in a large maze. It's 10:00 am and he's stuck in this large maze, trying to get out. At first, it's a challenge and kind of fun. Then he starts to get aggravated and maybe mad but he still can't find his way out. After a couple of hours, he's getting hungry and has to go to the bathroom and he's moving more quickly. By nightfall, he's running, desperate to find the exit. His situation hasn't really changed but he's become desperate because his prior actions haven't solved his problem -- he's still stuck in the maze.

 

Being lonely can be like that. You try this and that and nothing seems to make a difference and eventually it starts to feel overwhelming and hopeless and we begin to feel desperate. But the truth of the matter isn't that the problem is overwhelming or has gotten larger. Instead, the issue is that after facing a problem for a long time with little success, our perception of the problem can become flawed. We can no longer see it for what it really is but rather see it only through the eyes of our desperation, which almost always makes it loom much larger.

 

Remember our poor pilot stuck at 5000' with a dead engine? What did he do? He analyzed his situation and used good judgment to plot a course of action that would take him to a safe place. You're in kind of a similar situation. You're in a place where you are feeling desperate and, based on what you said, at times almost panicky. But rather than panicking, what you really need to do is sit back and ask yourself those three questions:

 

How did I get here?

 

Where do I want to be?

 

If I'm not where I want to be, will doing the same things that I've been doing so far take me to where I want to be?

 

Ask yourself those questions. When you think about the first one ("How did I get here?"), think about those chains of events that I mentioned above. If you are unhappy, it's not likely that a single event has made you unhappy. Instead, a whole long series of decisions has resulted in you being in a place where you are unhappy. Try to identify the decisions that you have made that have contributed to your loneliness. Try to find the most important decisions you made where a different choice might have resulted in a being in a different place today and perhaps a happier place.

 

Then, when you get to the second question ("Where do I want to be?"), be brutally honest with yourself. You said that you were successful and other people thought you were happy. Is this where you want to be? If not, where DO you want to be? Where do you want to be in five years? In ten years? When thinking this through, I advise you as strongly as I can to consider your own happiness first. Where you want to be in five years should reflect where you yourself want to be and a place where you yourself will be happy and content. You will make a terrible, terrible mistake if you let the feelings or wishes of other people intrude when you are trying to decide where you want to be. If you allow the wishes of others to determine where you want to be then while you may well get to the place you've identified, you may well find that you are not happy when you get there. Only your happiness should determine where you want to be. Your friends and family will or should be happy for you five years down the road and ten years if you are happy and content. And if they are not, then they are basing their judgment on something other than your happiness and that judgment should be suspect.

 

Finally, once you have started to figure out where you are and where you want to go, you're once again like that pilot in the plane. You know where you are and where you think you want to be and now the trick is making the right decisions to get you started on your way. There are tons -- tons -- of ways to live a life. Choose wisely and you will be happy. Choose poorly and you will be miserable. And sometimes it comes down to figuring out how to frame the questions correctly so you can find the right answers.

 

That's enough to throw at you for now.

[firsttimer]

You really should be a counselor BG (or maybe you are already in real life). Your advice and thoughts are great and I enjoy reading through your posts and reflecting.

 

I also should thank the board member in Chicago who I just took a walk with. He was kind enough to help a fellow Hoovillian like me who was feeling down just have someone to talk to face to face. He allowed me to vent my frustrations, dump some of my conflicted feelings, and ask personal questions as to how he's gotten to the place in life he is now. I won't mention the name since I don't know if he wants to stay anonymous.

 

To answer some of your questions BG. I love your analogies also (pilot and the maze) as they reflect what I'm struggling through.

 

I am not ready to come out of the closet. Many people have asked me to do this from the board members to my psychologist/counselors. It's too complicated to say why but the board members who I have chatted with over the past few months in private know more of my background. It's just not something I can or am ready to do at this point in my life.

 

That leaves me in the closet like I have been for years. However, back in August when I was out visiting LA for a friend's wedding, I joined this board and began reading about escorts. I had ZERO experience with a guy. Heck I'll be honest, I was so sexually repressed I NEVER masturbated until Octoberish and that was at the advice of one of the board members who I had been talking to. Yes it is that bad.

 

We all know how my first encounter with went. Not well as I felt almost violated. Fast forward to two more encounters with fakers off of rentboy and numerous rejections from Craigs' List.

 

An unhappy birthday last week without many friends to celebrate it last week.

 

That got me to a low last night.

 

What kept me going? All the support from all the people who have responded to hang in there and don't lose hope.

 

So where do I want to go from here if I've still decided to be in the closet?

Well the best situation is if some discreet All American A&F guy walked into my life and said I'll do whatever you want and you don't have to pay for it. Lol, not in a million years will that happen.

 

So I decided that I need to broaden my horizons and try to be with a guy. I really haven't done much with a guy (I have zero interest in anal and practically none in oral). That leads me to what do I really want? A hot perfect guy who I can cuddle with and talk to, maybe one who will teach me how to kiss a guy. And to bounce ideas and have an outlet with all those on the board here who have supported me through this so far. I think that's what I want to try to do. Since I haven't found that guy to drop 250 dollars yet I may have to lower my standards instead of waiting (since 250 is a lot of money in my 28 year old's budget) for that almost perfect person to appear.

 

These are some of my thoughts some of which were helped come to by the board member who I just met with.

[Guest greatness]

BostonGuy

 

You are so sweet and awesome! You should take firsttimer for a plane ride.

[Boston Guy]

FT,

 

It's great that you had a chance to meet with someone and talk face to face.

 

I need to run out for an hour or two. But may I kindly suggest that I think that you may be trying to solve the wrong problem.

 

I'll post more later. But may I leave you with a question for now? If so, here it is: is it ever right for anyone to ask anyone else to live an unhappy life?

 

BG