models of escorting

[+ Tom Isern]

I’m curious about the space of client/escort interaction, as I’ve come to believe that there are “models” of escorting. I suspect/propose that there are the three big ones:

 

THE BOYFRIEND EXPERIENCE In this model, the “job” of escorting is to become that loving romantic partner—to say, act, and behave as a loving and idealized boyfriend would in “real life.” I suspect that people who want a romantic “high” come to this space, also those who have had hurtful relationships and are looking for a space that feels healing.

 

THE DATE The understanding here is that client and escort are on a date. What distinguishes this model from the boyfriend experience, I believe, is what distinguishes a lover from a potential lover. The date is a space of intrigue and possibility, leaning always into some kind of completion/romantic climax—a resolution that is always in the future. In my experience, this seems to be the favorite model for guys who are closeted and married/partnered and who want to explore another side of life—being young, gay and single again, for instance.

 

THE FUCKBUDDY This model dispenses with any pretense (in the good sense of the term) or conceit. The escort and client are together to have fun, explore each others' bodies, and share pleasure. The atmosphere is laid-back and the emphasis is not primarily romance; the focus is on bodies and pleasure. This model frequently involves toys, roleplay, porn, bondage, s/m, etc.

 

The idea of “models” of escorting intrigues me, in part, because I suspect that some misunderstanding comes when people assume that one model is the universal model and expect that their escort or client is going to be “on the same page,” so to speak. I would really like to know what people think of this list. Does it seem accurate? Does it match your experience? Which model do you prefer? Are there other models out there?

[+ g56whiz]

I’d offer a fourth model:

 

THE SURROGATE: This is what someone who comes to terms with his sexuality later in life might seek. In this case the escort becomes sexual mentor to a client who seeks to learn to how to open his senses to sexual fulfillment or to provide sexual fulfillment to a partner or both. This model may not mimic romance but neither is it likely to be laid back. It could involve over time toys, roleplay, porn, bondage, s/m, etc.

[+ Charlie]

A close friend of mine fit this Surrogate model very well: he didn't come out until he was a grandfather, and he began by hiring a young, experienced escort to learn the ropes. He was not interested in the escort for the other three purposes that Tom mentions, and he stopped hiring as soon as he felt ready to enter the market, so to speak, and look for a partner his own age.

[jackhammer91406]

Tom,

A very good analysis. I have been with all four models.

 

My first experience with an escort was with Mitch in Greensboro.

He is a great mentor and spent a long time after the arranged session talking and soothing me, then we played some more. On subsequent trips it was more the FB model.

 

As I spend more time with the local guys who work massage here in L.A., most of these have become more the FB thing (most still with the massage as part of the evening). The play after has always been at their suggestion and so we have become more than client and provider.

 

A couple of the guys I see have now just become friends and FB. There is no business relationship at all.

 

My favorite tho is the BFE.

 

I think if more providers understood the situation as you describe it, it might make for more rewarding ongoing experiences.

[Epigonos]

Even though I starting hiring escorts late in life I personally relate to the FUCKBUDDY model. I have never been interested in having a boyfriend nor does the date model do much for me. I do, however, enjoy having a meal with an escort but that is, at least for me, an extension of the FUCKBUDDY model. It allows two guys to discuss openly and freely the various acts of gay sex that give them pleasure. The FUCKABUDDY model strips away all pretense of why we are together – we are together to give and receive PHYSICAL PLEASURE.

[rvwnsd]

I, too, am intrigued by the concept of different "models" of the escort-client relationship and agree that expecting a one-size-fits-all approach leads to trouble.

 

I tend to fall into the "fuckbuddy" model. I like to have fun playing with men's bodies, experience pleasure, get each other off and experience more pleasure. Sometimes I like "boyfriend" elements such as kissing and embracing, but even then it is to have fun, not to pretend that I have a boyfriend. I can think of one guy that I could play the "pretend boyfriend" game with and pull it off. Even with him, when we approached our playtime from a fuckbuddy perspective we still had a great conversation about shared interests, home decorating, food and wine, etc. The cool thing about most of my experiences is that they usually evolve rather than fit a set plan of what is or isn't going to happen.

 

I would add that I think there are different models of interviewing and hiring an escort and the model that one uses can influence whether a play date is fun or not fun. I find that a collaborative approach works best, where I state what I like to do, ask the escort whether he gets into the same and what he likes to do and go from there. More often than not this leads to a discussion of each others preferences and I can make an informed decision as to whether or not I want to hire and the escort can make an informed decision as to whether he wants to take me on as a client. Only a couple of guys have stated that they were not the right guy for me and I appreciate that candor. More than a few have stated that they were into some, but not all, of what I like to do and then it is up to me to decide whether I will be fulfilled with what a guy is willing to offer. On a few occasions, I have been referred right back to the ad without any discussion. This is usually a signal that we aren't going to have fun and I move on. Certainly, some play dates have been more fun than others, but I generally haven't "not" enjoyed myself.

[Guest GBoy]

Tom, thanks for listing all the models, this really give me an idea of what I can tell escort what I am into depends on my mood. But I will say BFE is my fav.

[pierrot]

good analysis

 

Tom you're the philosopher of the forum. Although I can't speak definitively for other people's motives for hiring escorts, your analysis seems to cover the bases that I know about. For myself, I fall squarely into the "fuckbuddy" column. As someone in a long-term relationship, I only look for sexual fun and fantasy with escorts. The lack of romantic feeling is a plus for me. It's nice to hit it off with an escort sexually and to meet someone who is pleasant, intelligent, and friendly. But romantic love is not part of the equation.

While I would guess that many clients are similar to me in this respect, I recognize from reviews and postings by others that there are definitely other motives. Those reviewers who find kissing to be highly important, or who want to wine and dine their escorts, clearly have a different idea in mind of what they want from the interaction.

[OceanTraveller]

I like the Boyfriend experience but after my "buddy" has made me realize that I am actually "gay" . It's a roleplay that I fantasize about being dominated and having sex with me and afterwards hugging , cuddling and holding. I guess it is complicated but it is my fantasy to dream about !!

[Guest TBinCHI]

I’d offer a fourth model:

 

THE SURROGATE: This is what someone who comes to terms with his sexuality later in life might seek. In this case the escort becomes sexual mentor to a client who seeks to learn to how to open his senses to sexual fulfillment or to provide sexual fulfillment to a partner or both. This model may not mimic romance but neither is it likely to be laid back. It could involve over time toys, roleplay, porn, bondage, s/m, etc.

 

 

I think that you are right on the money here as I definitely began hiring escorts for this very purpose. The concept of surrogacy for me, however, definitely included a boyfriend aspect, a dating aspect, and a fuckbuddy aspect. I learned much about the world of gay relationships from the escorts I hired. And, I have expressed to each of those that fulfilled that role how they were invaluable to me as I accepted myself and integrated myself into my life as a middle-aged gay man.

 

Tom, thanks for raising this topic and giving me another opportunity to say thank you again to the wonderful guys who deftly fulfilled their roles with a sincerity that I did not expect. As you all know who you are, I'll resist the temptation to list all your names.

[guyfouryou]

Interesting to read these responses and find that most equate kissing to the boyfriend experience. I'm in a long-term open relationship and hire on the side for fun--squarely in the FB category. However, if the guy can't kiss, and kiss like he means it, then it's a deal breaker for me. When I'm with someone, regardless of whether it's a hire or casual encounter, I am definitely in that moment, fully passionate, engaged, laid-back and looking to have fun. I'm rarely looking to just "get off."

 

My experience with hiring is limited and this discussion makes me think I should be very clear what I'm looking for or it may be mistaken for another model...

[uwsman2]

The kissing issue

 

My experience has been that the best experiences with escorts have involved kissing, but that it is hard to predict in advance whether that will be part of the experience. For one thing, I find it awkward to ask somebody whom I've never before met whether they will kiss. How can one answer such a question sight unseen? For kissing to enter the equation, there must be at least a little bit of chemistry, otherwise it will be mechanical and unsatisfying. Kissing is a form of communication between people who are attracted to each other....

 

Fucking you can do without necessarily being attracted. Oral sex as well. But locking lips is an intimate step much more complicated emotionally and even physically.

[TruthBTold]

Kissing/Fucking - 2 sides of the same coin

 

It seems everyone may have a different experience and associate different feeling with kissing. For me, one might as well not have sex if there is not going to be kissing involved. Moreover, while kissing is certainly intimate, I also think that fucking can communicate the same amount of intimacy (if done correctly : ) ) A guy who isn't willing to watch my reactions and guage his body motions to heighten my pleasure isn't going to be much of a fuck. But that could just be me.

[+ Tom Isern]

Hi guys,

 

Sorry I've been so remiss keeping up with this thread! Today I received a private message about the BFE model from a reader who wondered if that particular model didn't blur the lines between the professional and the private. I thought I'd toss that question out to you. What do you guys think?

 

In my own work, I've always found the BFE model the most challenging. Being of protestant and stoic Midwestern stock, one of the parental injunctions I was raised under was to never say anything I don't really feel and mean. "Leading people on" was a cardinal sin. My lies are easy to see through and I don't pretend well.

 

Nevertheless, it has struck me how very many people seem to want the BFE. They want an escort to create a "holding environment" in which they feel they are on a romantic date or out to dinner with their lover +. These clients want, as I understand it, to fully suspend disbelief, and enter into the illusion that they are actually on a date with someone who could really become their S.O.--someone who is as attracted to them as they are to the escort--someone for whom desire is fully reciprocated and mutual. The payment at the end does not seem to deconstruct this fantasy/belief structure. I'm not sure I fully understand this dynamic.

 

And that is why I tend to think of my work as in the fuck buddy/shared pleasure model. I respect and enjoy and even come to care for some of my clients. I don't want to be put in the position of having to say things I don't mean to them. Unless the BFE is agreed upon in advance, and both me and the client know it's a kind of role we are adopting for fun and fantasy, then I'm usually a little uncomfortable with it. Am I just a little prudish in this way? I hope no one finds my musings here offensive--I don't mean to judge or criticize anybody's way of hiring or working! I'm just curious...

 

So I'd love to hear what people think about the BFE...

 

 

I think you guys are right about a fourth model. I'd prefer to call it the coach/mentor model of escorting. I was recently reviewed by a regular who calls me his "sexual concierge"--review #29. (Sorry if that seems self-promoting!) But yes, there are guys who come out late in life, or who are emerging from very controlling or sexless relationships and who want to start or reconnect with an active sex life. This is the most rewarding kind of work, I believe, because the escort can really help this person fashion a fun and exciting dimension for himself.

 

A penny for your thoughts?

[TruthBTold]

What he wants

 

Tom,

 

I do not think that your feelings are wrong as they are what you feel, however, they may be disregarding the feelings of the guys that are hiring you. A man looking for an escort may not be the most forthcoming person for many reasons, e.g., he's married or has a boyfriend or is uncomfortable with hiring for sex. He may also not feel comfortable telling you that he would like a boyfriend in his life, it is not currently available, and so he is hiring you to create that for him. It is certainly not your fault that he can't express that, but it is also somewhat your responsibility to figure that out so that your experience can be the most enjoyable for you. Also, your reputation as a good escort WITH HIM will probably depend on it. Unfortunately, you may have to decide that when you speak to the client on the phone or in the first five minutes of your time together and how he relates to you. However, I would imagine you get better and better at it the more experience you get, something like a social worker. So, while it may be hard to do, the burden is probably on you as in most cases the client isn't going to be explicit.