Gay & Life & Style

[Will]

A recent exchange between XTCHeights and the incomparable Rick Munroe has been much on my mind. XTCHeights claims that "being gay in itself is a lifestyle," while Rick insists that there is no such thing as a single manner of living as a gay man.

 

Obviously, they are talking at cross purposes, because Rick's point is self-evident. On the other hand, I think I know what XTCHeights means by "lifestyle," even though I find the term itself impoverished, banal, and reductive. If I understand him correctly, by "lifestyle" XTCHeights means what I would call the hand of cards that life has dealt me. I may play the hand skillfully or amateurishly, gracefully or clumsily, but those cards and no others are the ones I have for my turn at the table.

 

Whether there is, in fact, a "gay lifestyle" may not be an issue for many members of this board. Frankly, it's not an issue for me, either. But it is a great big issue to the homophobes out there who want to lump us all into one convenient gang of outcasts.

 

I think it's an even bigger issue for men in the closet. There are lots of them, and not all of them are middle-aged. Many gay men fear what they call the "gay lifestyle" because they both fear and loathe the consequences of their own same-sex erotic and emotional orientation: "internalized homophobia." I know from years of personal experience that internalized homophobia is a potentially fatal albatross around the necks of many otherwise intelligent, charming, and talented young men.

 

Like it or not -- and I don't -- in the broad scheme of things the term "gay lifestyle" wields significant political clout in public discourse. That's why I think it's perilous to avoid thinking about it.

 

How would you characterize your own style of life as a gay man? Is there common ground, or not?

[Guest regulation]

>I think it's an even bigger issue for men in the closet.

>There are lots of them, and not all of them are middle-aged.

> Many gay men fear what they call the "gay lifestyle"

>because they both fear and loathe the consequences of their

>own same-sex erotic and emotional orientation: "internalized

>homophobia." I know from years of personal experience that

>internalized homophobia is a potentially fatal albatross

>around the necks of many otherwise intelligent, charming,

>and talented young men.

>

 

My sense is that "many" men with homoerotic desires dislike what is called the "gay lifestyle" because they find many of its customs an affront to their personal dignity. And many of us are weary of being told that our distaste for the bizarre behavior of the inhabitants of urban "gay ghettos" reflects "internalized homophobia" or "self-loathing." What we really loathe is the effeminacy, exhibitionism and affectation of a subculture, not ourselves.

 

No one has been elected to define the gay lifestyle or gay culture, but some people seem to have elected themselves to define it. Not surprisingly, they've come up with a definition that includes the things they find comfortable and excludes the things they don't. Having created this self-serving definition, they proceed to label anyone who objects to it as "homophobic." What a scam!

[+ Charlie]

"Gay lifestyle" is usually shorthand for young, urban homosexual men (and some women) who spend most of their time pursuing entertainment and promiscuous sex, often while engaged in professions that are associated with both of those areas; gossip and fashion (and sometimes drugs) grease the wheels of their world.

 

Been there, done that, and I don't regret a minute of it. However, most gay men are not part of that lifestyle, or at least not for very long. Anyone over 40, unless he has a lot of money or some sort of "celebrity" status, soon finds himself an outsider, and anyone of any age who has little interest in pop culture quickly becomes bored. I'll bet that the majority of gays actually live unnoticed in the suburbs, work at traditional jobs, and maintain regular contact with their families (or even live with them). Many of them visit the gay lifestyle heartland whenever possible because it is undeniably exciting, but they would be uncomfortable living there.

 

I'll admit that the urban gay ghetto still feels like home and my partner and I still live in it, but we don't participate in it in any meaningful way. Most of our activities are either professional or domestic, and most of our social life is with very old friends who are also no longer part of the lifestyle, or with straight people, whom I have come to appreciate more and more as I age. Yet I am still openly gay and support gay causes, but mostly with monetary contributions. And I still like promiscuous sex, even if I hardly ever get it anymore.

[Guest WetDream]

Personally, I find the term “gay lifestyle” repugnant. Further, I find the word “lifestyle” repellant, no matter what adjective is chosen to modify it. This is a word that is convenient for journalists in throwaway supplements in Sunday newspapers; it is just an easy way to categorize something without thinking about it. I certainly don’t have a gay lifestyle. I’m not even sure I have a gay life. I just have a life.

 

The gay world is as huge and varied as any other segment of society. It is impossible to generalize how one lives within it. I don’t feel I have any more in common with a ditsy chandelier fag from the Upper East Side of Manhattan than I do with a day laborer (gay or straight) picking grapes in the Napa Valley.

 

In my mid teens I realized that I was sexually attracted to men. I sensed that it would be difficult to lead an honest life in my small southern hometown. Through a combination of luck and conscious choice, I have lived in large cities and worked in professions where sexual orientation was of little interest. While it has been possible to live and work almost exclusively within a gay milieu, I haven’t chosen to do so. I get bored when things are too similar, too much alike. I have as many straight friends as I do gay ones.

 

Although I have lived a fairly open homosexual life for about 45 years, my sexual nature is only one of the ways I define myself. I’ve partied, gone to the bars, slept with as many men as I could. I’m neither effeminate nor butch; don’t try to hide my gayness or flaunt it. As I’ve grown older my interests have shifted; the way I participate in gay society have changed. In the immortal words of Popeye, “I yam what I yam.”

 

I think that Will is correct when he says that the so-called “gay lifestyle” is mostly of interest to heterosexuals and closeted homosexuals: the former because they fear the unknown and the latter because they live in terror that their sexual natures will be revealed by the way they act. A poster on a recent thread congratulated “out” gay men for their courage in confronting hate and prejudice every day. I am sad that he doesn’t realize that it is the closeted gays that are in a daily war zone. Men that have made the step to openly acknowledge their sexuality are too busy living their lives to worry about what others think of them.

[Guest Charon]

I think the issue that drives this is identity, both personal and community. Is being gay only about who I fuck or is there more? how much more?

 

"Gay Lifestyle" is a phrase that I believe was originally crafted by the religious right to attack us. The phrase was chosen to denote both choices and actions so they could maintain the illusion of "love the sinner, hate the sin".

 

It is about individuals doing questionable things in dark corners. Like many other phrases before, like queer, it has been somewhat co-opted and now rests in an uneasy place between its roots in the religious right and what more general usage has made it.

 

I personally don't like the phrase because I think it erases (as the right originally intended) the issues of identity and community that are important. Rather than asking "Do you live the gay lifestyle?", I'd rather ask "Are you a member of the gay community?" I would say no to the former, but yes to the latter.

 

Communities by their nature are diverse and more inclusive, even if everyone doesn't get along. "Do you live the gay lifestyle?" creates some arbitrary checklist of things one needs to do to possess the identity, and creates the contention over who is the final arbitrator of that list. An approach helpful to the right, but not to us I think.

[buckguy]

Even for urban gay men, it's hard to say that there's a single "lifestyle". As more men come out, they seem inevitably to be more diverse in their backgrounds and interests. On another forum, a common leament is the declining interest in show tunes, Judy Garland, etc. which once were integral to a "gay identity". When I was backpacking through Patagonia earlier this year, I met a number of other gay travelers (this, in a very homophobic country!) and spent some time with a very queeny couple from Canada (they had the best looking gear of anyone on the trail, but the same could not be said of my other gay fellow travelers). It's nice that "gay company" can be found in so many different ways. The gayness provides a bond or at least the potential of a bond, but the days of Unitary gay lifestyle now seem dead and buried (thank God).

[Guest jeffOH]

I've always been on the fringe of whatever the " gay lifestyle " is.

When I was in my early 20's and all I had to do was be pretty when I went out to a bar, I never found my "clique". The Stand and Model types seemed to like me, but I found them rather boring. I liked hanging out with the bad bi-boys and the drag queens...much more fun.

 

I drank my way from 15-25. Went out 5 or 6 nights a week at my peak.

But when I quit drinking, I went to gay AA. I got tired of the gay AA

and started attending a mostly straight meeting once a week. I just don't have the desire to totally immerse myself in fagdom. Sure some

gay men are rather camp and flamboyant, but for so many it seems affected. I feel like "been there done that" and I find myself interested in many non-gay things.

 

Oh, and I think Will and Grace could be funnier.

 

Lucky, sorry for the use of the word "fagdom", but it's what first came to mind and I don't often censor/edit myself.:-)

 

Jeff4hire@aol.com

[Guest cmp]

Hi Wet, and thanks for your interesting post. However, I feel not everyone in the closeted crowd can be described that way. There are those who are in the closet as a well-thought-out choice or convenience or whatever other suchlike reason or combination of reasons. They may be happy with the hetero part which may occupy 99% of their lifes. I've got no clue as to the number of people who are happy this way, but I don't believe I'm in a small minority.

 

This reminds me of an adorable twink I met at Villa Gianni. He asked me if I was out, I told him I was not. He gave me the sweetest smile and whispered: that's great, as long as you are happy. I was certainly happy that night, but his remark made me ask myself if I considered myself generally happy with my life. I think I am, I guess I am lucky. Some twinkies are smart for their age...

 

By the way, I hope to meet you again in the chatroom.

[Will]

Speaking of the wide diversity in our life experiences as gay men, here is a list of films off the top of my head. They share two things: (1) the main characters and situations are gay men; and (2) each film gained wide consensus regarding its faithful portrayal of real-life situations of gay men. Not all of these situations were pleasant or affirming, but large numbers of gay men do seem to have recognized something familiar mirrored there.

 

Another argument for the richness of gay lives is the fact that this list is only partial and that it does not mention many films made in languages other than English. I list them here only in the order in which they occurred to me:

 

1. The Boys in the Band

2. Maurice

3. Wild Reeds

4. My Beautiful Launderette

5. Paris is Burning

6. It's My Party

7. Longtime Companion

8. Gods and Monsters

9. Torch Song Trilogy

10. Edge of Seventeen

11. Trick

12. Love! Valour! Compassion!

13. Priest

14. The Sum of Us

15. Querelle

 

Even the movies tell us that there's no such thing as "the" "gay" "lifestyle".

[+ Lucky]

Jeff OH:

I am glad I am not the only one who thinks Will and Grace could be funnier. And, having watched the hot kisses the guys in "six Feet Under" give, is it too much to ask for a male to male kiss on this show, at least during sweeps week?

[Guest Gentle Dude]

>Jeff OH:

>I am glad I am not the only one who thinks Will and Grace

>could be funnier. And, having watched the hot kisses the

>guys in "six Feet Under" give, is it too much to ask for a

>male to male kiss on this show, at least during sweeps week?

 

It was done already...I remember one very funny episode where Jack kissed Will on the lips while pretending to be spectators at the NBC Today Show. I believe it was Al Roker who made a guest appearance and played himself.

[Guest jeffOH]

>>Jeff OH:

>>I am glad I am not the only one who thinks Will and Grace

>>could be funnier. And, having watched the hot kisses the

>>guys in "six Feet Under" give, is it too much to ask for a

>>male to male kiss on this show, at least during sweeps week?

>

>It was done already...I remember one very funny episode

>where Jack kissed Will on the lips while pretending to be

>spectators at the NBC Today Show. I believe it was Al Roker

>who made a guest appearance and played himself.

 

I think it would be nice to see a truly romantic tongue kiss on Will &

Grace between two male characters. I find the humor hit and miss and

I think that the second bananas are funnier than the leads, especially

Karen.

 

Jeff4hire@aol.com

[Guest WetDream]

RE: Not Out Yet

 

My comment was directed toward a particular type of poster, though I still feel that closeted men still have something to fear if their hidden sexual life is exposed. That said, there are many men on this board who are living as open a life as they can (and I know there are many reasons why they can't come out fully). Most of these are married or in professions where open gayness would cause them to loose their jobs. These men use the Message Center to make contact with the gay world, participate actively in this gay community and explore ways they can express their sexuality. More power to them. But their comments on many threads in the past lead me to believe that they would prefer to be out.