Escorts In NY / BF Experience

[lseactuary90]

6 minutes ago, ApexNomad said:

I had the laborious pleasure of reading what you wrote back in 2023–“Escort Suggestion for Hot Guy”—and here we are—same frustrations, same explanations, same lack of progress. You say you want to rethink your approach, but all you’re doing is rehashing the same complaints and dismissing every possible solution. If therapy, dating apps, social events, and now even escorts aren’t working, the issue isn’t the world—it’s you. So the real question is, are you actually willing to change something, or are you just looking for someone to validate your excuses?

I'm willing to change something, if I know what that something is. I'm always open to trying something new, I'm just really unsure what that looks like. So if you have inputs on what else I can try, I'm all ears.

Btw I'm not sure where you are getting 'now even escorts aren't working' when I have not seen one yet. The booking isn't working, the experience is TBD.

Edited February 17 by lseactuary90

[+ ApexNomad]

15 minutes ago, lseactuary90 said:

I'm willing to change something, if I know what that something is. I'm always open to trying something new, I'm just really unsure what that looks like. So if you have inputs on what else I can try, I'm all ears.

Btw I'm not sure where you are getting 'now even escorts aren't working' when I have not seen one yet. The booking isn't working, the experience is TBD.

 

22 hours ago, lseactuary90 said:

I am also 'hot' so I asked a few of the escorts if they want a bf and/or fun and they agree to the fun. But then its just another hookup (or satisfying their needs) and I'm not really looking for that. If I ask for more they don't seem to want that. 

So now you’re pivoting to “tell me what to do,” which keeps the cycle going. You’re not actually engaging with the point—I already laid out that you’ve tried everything except genuine self-reflection. The issue isn’t what you’re doing; it’s how you’re approaching it. You’re treating dating like a checklist instead of an organic human experience. You don’t need another strategy—you need to actually sit with why you’re so resistant to looking inward.

As for escorts, see what you wrote 22 hours ago (above). Whether you’re just asking or have been with one or not, escorts aren’t working for you either. 

[pubic_assistance]

22 hours ago, lseactuary90 said:

Also am curious if the BF experience is actually going to provide what I am looking for, or if I am just setting myself up for disappointment.

NO. It's not. Turn back now.

[lseactuary90]

7 minutes ago, ApexNomad said:

 

So now you’re pivoting to “tell me what to do,” which keeps the cycle going. You’re not actually engaging with the point—I already laid out that you’ve tried everything except genuine self-reflection. The issue isn’t what you’re doing; it’s how you’re approaching it. You’re treating dating like a checklist instead of an organic human experience. You don’t need another strategy—you need to actually sit with why you’re so resistant to looking inward.

As for escorts, see what you wrote 22 hours ago (above). Whether you’re just asking or have been with one or not, escorts aren’t working for you either. 

Sorry I missed this part. Ok, I'm down to take a step back and self reflect.

[pubic_assistance]

1 hour ago, ApexNomad said:

If therapy, dating apps, social events, and now even escorts aren’t working, the issue isn’t the world—it’s you. So the real question is, are you actually willing to change something, or are you just looking for someone to validate your excuses?

I am getting the impression is that validation is what we are aiming for here.

*Everyone sucks* No one appreciates what a catch you are. *No one is good enough for you* You are wonderful.

There...do you feel better now?

 

[CuriousByNature]

On 2/16/2025 at 2:48 PM, lseactuary90 said:

I am struggling to find intimacy/connection here in NY (more than hookups) and/or a FB/FWB and/or a BF. I am getting older (approaching mid 30s) and semi loosing hope its gonna work out for me for various reasons. Apps are dead for hookups, bars/parties are also dying out in general. I'm also generally not as attracted to many guys anymore as I used to be, and before my libido dries up, I'm considering the escort path. 

I've reached out to a handful of guys I find hot, but am kinda struggling to lock this down. I admit I only used rent.men because I found another website and everyone was asking for money before meeting so it seemed like a scam. 

On rent.men they are usually visiting, so are booked up or I say when they come lets meet, and then suddenly they are busy / don't reply. 

If we agree on a rate, then last minute they will try and push something like 'oh I can do this rate but come to me' or 'I have dinner plans at 8pm so can't shift the schedule' (and then suddenly the plans are cancelled which is a turn off). Or they only accept Zelle/Venmo and I prefer not to do that since I have a work phone, and offer cash (even with a receipt) but they then seem to get put off.

Communication is generally really poor and infrequent (I wonder if text would improve this). I literally am asking them basic things like can you tell me what kinda stuff the BF experience will include and they don't reply or write something so generic like 'we can flip'. Communication was so much better when I lived in London, and I regret not hiring the escorts I liked back then. 

I've asked for fantasies or ideas to make it exciting, and I'm having to provide this and then they 'choose' (I think because they want me to enjoy, but are barely providing any ideas or initiative). 

I am also 'hot' so I asked a few of the escorts if they want a bf and/or fun and they agree to the fun. But then its just another hookup (or satisfying their needs) and I'm not really looking for that. If I ask for more they don't seem to want that. 

So I still have not met a guy. How do I improve this as I'm getting kinda fed up.

Also am curious if the BF experience is actually going to provide what I am looking for, or if I am just setting myself up for disappointment.

ps I know this is transactional and they will be 'acting' to please me, but honestly at this stage I really don't care, I need to break out of this rut.   

Maybe I have no right to weigh in given my own lack of romantic experience and the fact that I've only been considered 'hot' when I've had a bad sunburn or a high fever.  But it sounds like you need to avoid transactional relationships - whether those are with escorts or through hook-ups.  

Perhaps part of the issue is that you might judge others' attractiveness too quickly.  What I mean is that a person normally wouldn't hook up with someone unless there is an almost instantaneous mutual attraction on some physical level.  It could be better if you moved beyond the instantaneous, surface attraction, and let yourself delve into the deeper aspects of attractiveness. 

At this stage of your life it might be an idea to concentrate on some of your various interests - and engage in those interests and get to meet others who have the same passions.  Make friends without any expectation of a physical relationship and see what happens.  Someone who you might not immediately consider 'hot' for a hook-up could be the same person you become more deeply attracted to as you get to know them.  And they you.

I'm no psychologist, but I wonder if you are also selling yourself short.  Focus on those aspects of yourself that are beyond being 'hot', and recognize you have much more to offer someone beyond that.  Your 'hotness' is really just icing on the cake.  Which I guess makes me an unfrosted sponge... lol.

Edited February 18 by CuriousByNature

[lseactuary90]

21 minutes ago, CuriousByNature said:

Maybe I have no right to weigh in given my own lack of romantic experience and the fact that I've only been considered 'hot' when I've had a bad sunburn or a high fever.  But it sounds like you need to avoid transactional relationships - whether those are with escorts or through hook-ups.  

Perhaps part of the issue is that you might judge others' attractiveness too quickly.  What I mean is that a person normally wouldn't hook up with someone unless there is an almost instantaneous mutual attraction on some physical level.  It could be better if you moved beyond the instantaneous, surface attraction, and let yourself delve into the deeper aspects of attractiveness. 

At this stage of your life it might be an idea to concentrate on some of your various interests - and engage in those interests and get to meet others who have the same passions.  Make friends without any expectation of a physical relationship and see what happens.  Someone who you might not immediately consider 'hot' for a hook-up could be the same person you become more deeply attracted to as you get to know them.  And they you.

I'm no psychologist, but I wonder if you are also selling yourself short.  Focus on those aspects of yourself that are beyond being 'hot', and recognize you have much more to offer someone beyond that.  Your 'hotness' is really just icing on the cake.  Which I guess makes me an unfrosted sponge... lol.

The reason for dating is to try and connect someone - beyond physically - and see what attracts you / triggers you. However, if someone isn't even willing to sit down and have a coffee with you, you can't really do much about that. 

I can only hookup / engage with someone who responds to me. I hit on all kinds of guys and all kinds of guys hit on me. I never 'turn someone away' purely based on physical appearance. This is why I love parties. Seeing someone dance for example, or 'work the room' gives me a sense of their energy and vibe. I've 'turned away' '6 pack studs' because they literally feel like robots when I dance with them, and have a great time with a completely normal dude who may not be some IG superstar for example. But I have the same outcome with both ends of the spectrum. 

I am already deeply involved in my passions/interests but I am a little fed up of the 'disney concept' that 'when you do what you love someone will come' because that assumes that a gay man - who is single and available - will magically appear from nowhere and this is not true. My friend for example loves to knit, has joined a weekly group, and its all old women there. Is he going to find a man there or by using Grindr? I would put my money on Grindr over the knitting group. 

I have spent all my time as a gay man developing deep friendships, and continue to do so. I pretty easily make 1-2 friends a year (in the US), and all stay in touch, and the deepness will vary but there is always a good healthy bond there. Friendships have never been an issue for me. However, as I explained above, none of them have turned into anything more, nor did I go into it expecting this, so I can't really say I've had success romantically there. Of course I can continue to make friends, but again, 'hoping' one 'converts' seems like low odds vs actually trying to find someone you want to be with romantically in the first place (whcih is what dating is for). 

I know I have plenty to offer beyond my 'looks' - infact - I never even considered myself hot and am still not used to people calling be handsome/stud etc because its not at all what I even focus on. Sure I gym but its for my health. Sure I eat clean but again its because I want to. I take care of my skin because I want to look good for myself. This has translated to me appearing 'hot' to others, so thats nice, but I've always thought someone would see my mind and personality (which I think are even better) than anything else. But no. Here we are.

[+ FrankR]

On 2/17/2025 at 12:48 AM, lseactuary90 said:

I am struggling to find intimacy/connection here in NY (more than hookups) and/or a FB/FWB and/or a BF. I am getting older (approaching mid 30s) and semi loosing hope its gonna work out for me for various reasons. Apps are dead for hookups, bars/parties are also dying out in general. I'm also generally not as attracted to many guys anymore as I used to be, and before my libido dries up, I'm considering the escort path. 

I've reached out to a handful of guys I find hot, but am kinda struggling to lock this down. I admit I only used rent.men because I found another website and everyone was asking for money before meeting so it seemed like a scam. 

On rent.men they are usually visiting, so are booked up or I say when they come lets meet, and then suddenly they are busy / don't reply. 

If we agree on a rate, then last minute they will try and push something like 'oh I can do this rate but come to me' or 'I have dinner plans at 8pm so can't shift the schedule' (and then suddenly the plans are cancelled which is a turn off). Or they only accept Zelle/Venmo and I prefer not to do that since I have a work phone, and offer cash (even with a receipt) but they then seem to get put off.

Communication is generally really poor and infrequent (I wonder if text would improve this). I literally am asking them basic things like can you tell me what kinda stuff the BF experience will include and they don't reply or write something so generic like 'we can flip'. Communication was so much better when I lived in London, and I regret not hiring the escorts I liked back then. 

I've asked for fantasies or ideas to make it exciting, and I'm having to provide this and then they 'choose' (I think because they want me to enjoy, but are barely providing any ideas or initiative). 

I am also 'hot' so I asked a few of the escorts if they want a bf and/or fun and they agree to the fun. But then its just another hookup (or satisfying their needs) and I'm not really looking for that. If I ask for more they don't seem to want that. 

So I still have not met a guy. How do I improve this as I'm getting kinda fed up.

Also am curious if the BF experience is actually going to provide what I am looking for, or if I am just setting myself up for disappointment.

ps I know this is transactional and they will be 'acting' to please me, but honestly at this stage I really don't care, I need to break out of this rut.   

I read your post twice and still don’t know what you are looking for. Bottom line: I think you are looking in the wrong place - an escort, no matter how good, is unlikely to meet your expectations. 
 

My suggestion: go to MMXNYC and join one of their classes where they explore intimacy.  Maybe that will help you get your mojo back.

[lseactuary90]

5 minutes ago, FrankR said:

I read your post twice and still don’t know what you are looking for. Bottom line: I think you are looking in the wrong place - an escort, no matter how good, is unlikely to meet your expectations. 
 

My suggestion: go to MMXNYC and join one of their classes where they explore intimacy.  Maybe that will help you get your mojo back.

I am looking to break out of the cycle I am in. Currently, my dating life is non-existent, and sex life is lacking intimacy (I get hookups) and quite frankly is boring even when I get a hookup. I have a bunch of things I wanna do with someone (sexually) and I thought I would have a FWB by now to explore these things with, but have not found one. So the escort I see as a stop gap to explore these sexual fantasies and discover more about myself, rather than just get pounded doggy / missionary style for 5 mins yet again (ok I exaggerate, but you know what I mean). 

Can you link me to what is MMXNYC? I am willing to try but not sure what this is.

Edited February 18 by lseactuary90

[+ ApexNomad]

14 minutes ago, lseactuary90 said:

The reason for dating is to try and connect someone - beyond physically - and see what attracts you / triggers you. However, if someone isn't even willing to sit down and have a coffee with you, you can't really do much about that. 

I can only hookup / engage with someone who responds to me. I hit on all kinds of guys and all kinds of guys hit on me. I never 'turn someone away' purely based on physical appearance. This is why I love parties. Seeing someone dance for example, or 'work the room' gives me a sense of their energy and vibe. I've 'turned away' '6 pack studs' because they literally feel like robots when I dance with them, and have a great time with a completely normal dude who may not be some IG superstar for example. But I have the same outcome with both ends of the spectrum. 

I am already deeply involved in my passions/interests but I am a little fed up of the 'disney concept' that 'when you do what you love someone will come' because that assumes that a gay man - who is single and available - will magically appear from nowhere and this is not true. My friend for example loves to knit, has joined a weekly group, and its all old women there. Is he going to find a man there or by using Grindr? I would put my money on Grindr over the knitting group. 

I have spent all my time as a gay man developing deep friendships, and continue to do so. I pretty easily make 1-2 friends a year (in the US), and all stay in touch, and the deepness will vary but there is always a good healthy bond there. Friendships have never been an issue for me. However, as I explained above, none of them have turned into anything more, nor did I go into it expecting this, so I can't really say I've had success romantically there. Of course I can continue to make friends, but again, 'hoping' one 'converts' seems like low odds vs actually trying to find someone you want to be with romantically in the first place (whcih is what dating is for). 

I know I have plenty to offer beyond my 'looks' - infact - I never even considered myself hot and am still not used to people calling be handsome/stud etc because its not at all what I even focus on. Sure I gym but its for my health. Sure I eat clean but again its because I want to. I take care of my skin because I want to look good for myself. This has translated to me appearing 'hot' to others, so thats nice, but I've always thought someone would see my mind and personality (which I think are even better) than anything else. But no. Here we are.

You’re putting a lot of words around the same point: I’ve tried everything, nothing works, so it must be external factors. But if you’re the common denominator in every scenario, the answer is you.

You say you don’t expect friendships to turn romantic, but you also don’t think meeting people through passions works. You reject dating apps, but also claim they’re your best shot. You dismiss “Disney concepts” but want something deeper than sex. You’re contradicting yourself left and right.

It sounds to me like you’re more committed to proving you’re doomed than actually finding a solution and doing the real work — examine yourself.

[+ ApexNomad]

16 minutes ago, lseactuary90 said:

I am looking to break out of the cycle I am in. Currently, my dating life is non-existent, and sex life is lacking intimacy (I get hookups) and quite frankly is boring even when I get a hookup. I have a bunch of things I wanna do with someone (sexually) and I thought I would have a FWB by now to explore these things with, but have not found one. So the escort I see as a stop gap to explore these sexual fantasies and discover more about myself, rather than just get pounded doggy style for 5 mins yet again (ok I exaggerate, but you know what I mean). 

Can you link me to what is MMXNYC? I am willing to try but not sure what this is.

You say your sex life lacks intimacy, but intimacy isn’t something that magically appears—it’s something you build. If every hookup feels transactional, maybe it’s because you’re treating it that way too. If you’re bored even when you’re getting what you want, maybe the problem isn’t just the other person.

You keep looking for a “solution” outside yourself—a new app, a new approach, an escort—but none of that will change anything unless you do. So what exactly are you bringing to the table beyond frustration and expectations?

[pubic_assistance]

22 minutes ago, lseactuary90 said:

Can you link me to what is MMXNYC?

MMX

WWW.MMXNYC.COM

---

MMX is all about Massage and Touch for guys. Our members are in-shape, fit, work and play hard, and enjoy...

 

[CuriousByNature]

40 minutes ago, lseactuary90 said:

The reason for dating is to try and connect someone - beyond physically - and see what attracts you / triggers you. However, if someone isn't even willing to sit down and have a coffee with you, you can't really do much about that. 

I can only hookup / engage with someone who responds to me. I hit on all kinds of guys and all kinds of guys hit on me. I never 'turn someone away' purely based on physical appearance. This is why I love parties. Seeing someone dance for example, or 'work the room' gives me a sense of their energy and vibe. I've 'turned away' '6 pack studs' because they literally feel like robots when I dance with them, and have a great time with a completely normal dude who may not be some IG superstar for example. But I have the same outcome with both ends of the spectrum. 

I am already deeply involved in my passions/interests but I am a little fed up of the 'disney concept' that 'when you do what you love someone will come' because that assumes that a gay man - who is single and available - will magically appear from nowhere and this is not true. My friend for example loves to knit, has joined a weekly group, and its all old women there. Is he going to find a man there or by using Grindr? I would put my money on Grindr over the knitting group. 

I have spent all my time as a gay man developing deep friendships, and continue to do so. I pretty easily make 1-2 friends a year (in the US), and all stay in touch, and the deepness will vary but there is always a good healthy bond there. Friendships have never been an issue for me. However, as I explained above, none of them have turned into anything more, nor did I go into it expecting this, so I can't really say I've had success romantically there. Of course I can continue to make friends, but again, 'hoping' one 'converts' seems like low odds vs actually trying to find someone you want to be with romantically in the first place (whcih is what dating is for). 

I know I have plenty to offer beyond my 'looks' - infact - I never even considered myself hot and am still not used to people calling be handsome/stud etc because its not at all what I even focus on. Sure I gym but its for my health. Sure I eat clean but again its because I want to. I take care of my skin because I want to look good for myself. This has translated to me appearing 'hot' to others, so thats nice, but I've always thought someone would see my mind and personality (which I think are even better) than anything else. But no. Here we are.

Okay - thanks for clarifying.  It seems you have it covered.

[lseactuary90]

2 hours ago, ApexNomad said:

You say your sex life lacks intimacy, but intimacy isn’t something that magically appears—it’s something you build. If every hookup feels transactional, maybe it’s because you’re treating it that way too. If you’re bored even when you’re getting what you want, maybe the problem isn’t just the other person.

You keep looking for a “solution” outside yourself—a new app, a new approach, an escort—but none of that will change anything unless you do. So what exactly are you bringing to the table beyond frustration and expectations?

Building requires someone coming back... 

[+ ApexNomad]

6 hours ago, lseactuary90 said:

Building requires someone coming back... 

And why would someone come back? What are you offering that makes them want to? You keep talking about what you want, what you’re not getting, but relationships—casual or serious—aren’t one-sided transactions. If no one is sticking around, maybe it’s time to stop asking “why won’t they come back?” and start asking “why would they?”

[lseactuary90]

9 hours ago, ApexNomad said:

And why would someone come back? What are you offering that makes them want to? You keep talking about what you want, what you’re not getting, but relationships—casual or serious—aren’t one-sided transactions. If no one is sticking around, maybe it’s time to stop asking “why won’t they come back?” and start asking “why would they?”

Why does anyone come back? They are attracted to you. They like spending time with you. They want to get to know you. You have something they want (physically, or otherwise). They are looking for connection. The list goes on. I agree its not one-sided, but from my eyes, I offer value, so I'm not sure why I'm not getting any bites.

[pubic_assistance]

25 minutes ago, lseactuary90 said:

...from my eyes, I offer value, so I'm not sure why I'm not getting any bites.

Without substantiating that statement, I can share the opinion of two very handsome young men who I know in NYC.

They have both shared their observation that NYC is a candy shop from which most gay men can't stop sampling the goods. Never buying because they can't make up their mind with so many choices.

I remember reading an article once how small town gays are MUCH more inclined to be in relationships that big city gays.

Maybe a change of scenery is what you need.

[+ ApexNomad]

31 minutes ago, lseactuary90 said:

Why does anyone come back? They are attracted to you. They like spending time with you. They want to get to know you. You have something they want (physically, or otherwise). They are looking for connection. The list goes on. I agree its not one-sided, but from my eyes, I offer value, so I'm not sure why I'm not getting any bites.

You think you offer value, but clearly, something isn’t translating. Attraction and connection aren’t just about what you believe you bring to the table—it’s about how others perceive and experience you. If no one is sticking around, then either your self-perception isn’t matching reality, or you’re fixated on people who don’t want what you offer. Either way, the issue starts and ends with you.

[+ ApexNomad]

2 minutes ago, pubic_assistance said:

Maybe a change of scenery is what you need.

You’re being kind.

[lseactuary90]

3 minutes ago, pubic_assistance said:

Without substantiating that statement, I can share the opinion of two very handsome young men who I know in NYC.

They have both shared their observation that NYC is a candy shop from which most gay men can't stop sampling the goods. Never buying because they can't make up their mind with so many choices.

I remember reading an article once how small town gays are MUCH more inclined to be in relationships that big city gays.

Maybe a change of scenery is what you need.

This is what I thought initially also and was told in therapy etc. But I guess as I've been here some time now and see things a bit different. 

a) There are dudes who are dating, meeting, pairing up etc. Even if you don't have a bf, thats okay, but I find it hard to believe every single person is not having repeat sex with anyone? Open relationships are also common here, so someone is still committing 'a little' to someone. 

b) I think this 'candy' idea is a myth. After you have lived here a while, yes there are a lot of men, but I wouldn't call it 'choices'. I see the same dudes on apps, probably can point to anyone on the app and tell you the history of me and them and if we met or didn't and why by now. 

I don't want to blame the city for my issues, I'm just trying to figure out how to navigate this really to make it bearable. That said, I do think NY makes the problem worse in some ways (as what you are saying is what many people I speak to here say). But then, where do I go? LA? 

[lseactuary90]

5 minutes ago, ApexNomad said:

You think you offer value, but clearly, something isn’t translating. Attraction and connection aren’t just about what you believe you bring to the table—it’s about how others perceive and experience you. If no one is sticking around, then either your self-perception isn’t matching reality, or you’re fixated on people who don’t want what you offer. Either way, the issue starts and ends with you.

100% correct here. 

No one is sticking around is a bit stretched here. Its not no one ever comes back, but there are massive lags, like we are talking months sometimes, and I'm not 'chased' for example. So then I am just turned off, and move on. Not everyone, but I can't say 100% also ghost either. Infact I think maybe 5% ghost, most still reply if I text, but will flake. 

Self-perception isn't matching reality could be the case. But how would I examine this - friends, therapy etc is what I guess normally people do, I've done that, and now I am stuck and unsure what else to try. The escort route actually did make me think I wonder if I could ask for some feedback and the iterate on how I approach guys. Escorts should know how to 'make a guy feel good' so maybe I can learn something and be better.

Being fixated on people who don't want what you offer. Very well may be the case. This is what I asked in therapy. How do I figure out who wants "me" if no one dates me and/or comes back and/or tries? Its hard to narrow things down then because any relationship is a 2-way street.

[pubic_assistance]

34 minutes ago, lseactuary90 said:

But then, where do I go? LA? 

Seriously ....dude have you ever BEEN to LA ???

LA is the epicenter of the narcissistic gay guy who sleeps around until they find him dead of a drug overdose.

Edited February 18 by pubic_assistance

[+ ApexNomad]

33 minutes ago, lseactuary90 said:

I don't want to blame the city for my issues

Yes you do. You want to blame everyone but yourself. 

PS, you have the worst fucking therapist. Get a new one. 

[pubic_assistance]

1 minute ago, ApexNomad said:

PS, you have the worst fucking therapist. Get a new one. 

OUCH

but probably not untrue.

There is a lot of effort here with no results.

Clearly a skilled therapist would do a better job than a bunch of lonely old gay men on a forum page about escorts.

 

[walt_d93]

I can understand the feeling of burnout, I'm always looking for someone in NYC and its a waste, if you wanna chat im on instagram @walt_d93 as well, hit me up if you want to chat.