Humor: "Put Downs"

[Guest ncm2169]

I have forever been an aficionado of humorous putdowns, because, while there is no shortage of those which fall short of the mark, others are the work of skilled wordsmiths.

 

Some of the most celebrated retorts are those exchanged between Winston Churchill and Lady Astor:

 

< Lady Astor: "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!"

Winston Churchill: "Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow, I

shall be sober."

 

< Lady Nancy Astor:

"Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."

Winston Churchill:

"Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."

 

And for those here who are fond of saying another poster doesn't "have a clue," you can do better:

 

< You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance. :+

 

Finally, another Churchill "message":

 

During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet

luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second

helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"

"Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for

white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.

The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from

her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if

you would pin this on your white meat."

 

Surely some of you must have similar clever retorts. Care to share? }(

[OneFinger]

I've been in office situations where there is always some a*hole that has to make a rude comments about other people. This often happens 4-5 times per day so you know these guys are just seeking attention. When one of these guys tried to make me the brunt of his jokes I used the following two comments and he's now decided to turn his attention to someone else. [ol]

 

If I wanted any shit out of you, I'd unscrew your head and dip it out with a ladle.

 

If I wanted any lip from you, I'd scrape it off my zipper. [/ol]

I've sometimes been listed as a reference for former co-workers. A few times they didn't ask my permission to be used as a reference and I really didn't like the quality of their work or work ethic. So, when I get that phone call concerning them from a prospective employer, I use the following statement which really can be interpreted two different ways: [ol]

 

I really can't say enough about the quality of their work.[/ol]

These sure don't fit the qualification as a humorous put down, but they are effective ways of getting your point across.

[Kevin Slater]

>I really can't say enough about the quality of their

>work.

 

I've always liked "You'd be lucky if you could get her to work for you."

 

Kevin Slater

[Lankypeters]

"There are no words."

 

"You must be exhausted."

 

"I just can't tell you how much I enjoyed this."

 

 

 

 

 

"I'd say that's a bit of an extreme reaction, now wouldn't you?" -- N.F. Bates

 

 

Lankypeters

[+ Charlie]

"I'd like to be able to tell you how much fun this has been..."

[Guest DickHo]

I wouldn't cross the street to piss on you if you were on fire.

[pegasian]

Your existance alone is the best argument for euthanaisa

[pegasian]

They have been looking for a face just like yours...buried in the sand in Iraq

[pegasian]

IF you and I were the last two men alive on the planet....I would turn STRAIGHT!!

[Rick Munroe]

The Mary Tyler Moore Show is a treasure trove of insult jokes:

 

(Sue Ann knocks on Mary's door late at night.)

Sue Ann: I hope I'm not disturbing you.

Mary: I was in bed.

Sue Ann: Oh, good. Then you're alone!

 

(Sue Ann enters Mary's apartment)

Sue Ann:I just love what you've done with your apartment, Mary!

Mary:But I haven't done anything.

Sue Ann:I know. That took guts!

 

Phyllis: I just thought I'd see what you swingin' singles do for fun.

Rhoda: Same as you - sit around and wonder what it would be like to have a happy marriage.

 

Lou: Put it on an idiot card for Ted.

Ted: Cue cards, Lou. I don't know why everyone insists on calling cue cards idiot cards.

Murray: We just have trouble thinking of you as a cue.

 

Sue Ann: Sue Ann Nivens doesn't give in without a fight!

Murray: That's not what the cabdrivers tell me.

[pegasian]

You must be a big fan of Science Fiction because the only way I would go out with you is in an Alternate Universe.

 

 

 

Sorry, I don't date outside of my own species.

 

 

 

The Good News is that by turning you down it shows that my self-esteem is NOT AS LOW as my shrink says it is.

 

 

Does the Bush Administration send you out to clubs

to promote CELIBACY?

[Lankypeters]

What you are speaks louder than what you say.

 

 

 

 

 

"I'd say that's a bit of an extreme reaction, now wouldn't you?" -- N.F. Bates

 

 

Lankypeters