VH-1 Presents - Behind the Scenes at 15 Minutes - re-launch

[MindThe Gap]

So what’s it really like to re-launch a blog after it has been crapped upon and literally destroyed by it’s very owner. The people at VH-1 wanted to know. They knew you wanted to know too. So they flew a crew to the offices of 15 Minutes in San Antonio, Texas, to capture the true goings on behind the scenes of this controversial blog. What they found was shocking and disturbing, but yet not all that unexpected.

 

This is what VH-1 captured on tape over the course of a 12 hour day.

 

 

Phone: Ring-Ring-Ring

 

Ben: Oliver Stone, Good-Morning…<nervous uncomfortable laughter> A-hahaha, I’m so very sorry, this is Benjamin Nicholas how can I help you?

 

Rockhard: Ben? Ben is that you?

 

Ben: Yes Rock, it’s me. Why are you late and where are you now?

 

Rockhard: Ben, I’m concerned. Why did you answer the blog phone line using Oliver Stone’s name? Are you relapsing? Are you taking your medications? You know how important they are for you to take now. Just look at the life-changing benefits they provided Anna Nicole.

 

Ben: Rock I am just fine. I-I-I was ummm, watching an old Oliver Stone movie…JFK, yeah, and was just thinking about how much I respect his writing skills and his ability to continually come up with fresh and relative ideas and how he seems to always meet his deadlines on time and such. So when I picked up the phone, I-I was simply thinking about him. Everything is fine Rock. You believe me don’t you?

 

Rockhard: Ben, sweetie, you’re not writing an apology here. You’re talking to me – The Rock – Your Rock. Now get a grip. Of course I believe you. Haven’t I always believed everything you have ever said?

 

Ben: I know Rock, I’m just so nervous about the re-launch of the blog. What if it ends up reading like it was written by JT Brooklyn? You know how much I hate JT Brooklyn! What if people don’t love me anymore? What if “My Guys” start abandoning me? I’ve heard privately that Skrubber is thinking about re-doing his will and making Athan his new beneficiary. God I can’t take this level of stress. How do people with real talent do it day in and day out? Rockhard, where are you!?

 

Rockhard: Well, Ben, first and most importantly, breathe and try to relax. I just picked up your dry cleaning at “Dirty little Secrets” and I’m on the way now to get your ink cartridges at Staples. I should be back in the office shortly after that, once I get your car washed and detailed. Do you have any other instructions or errands for me to run, sweetie?

 

Ben: Yes! Forget the car wash, Rock. Go directly to the library and research any and all, little known to completely unknown satirical authors from the 19th Century. No, check that Rock, better make that the 17th Century. Cross reference them all on Google and bring me every book, of every author, that does not come up in your Google cross reference search.

 

Rockhard: Oh Ben, I’m terribly uncomfortable with this.

 

Ben: Just do it Rockhard, just do what you’re told. I know what I’m doing.

 

Rockhard: Ok, Ben. I’ll see you soon. Bye.

 

Ben: Bye Rock and make it fast.

 

Ben-to self: <sitting at desk and looking at reflection in floor length mirror>Art Buchwald – Good Morning! No. too current. Jonathan Swift – Good Morning! Hmmm, he’s a keeper and he’s as dead as dead can get. Alexander Pope – Good Morning! Wow, another keeper and dead too! Mr. SilentStar – Good Morning! Another keeper. Scott Adler – Good Morning! That little bitch, I’ll show her a thing or two about blogging. Who does she think she is offering MY eye-candy back to my own readers in a zip file?

 

Two hours later………Rockhard arrives at the office.

 

Rockhard: Hi honey, I’m back!

 

Ben: Did you bring me books? Lots and lots of books?

 

Rockhard: Here they are Ben; I hope you know what you’re doing. You know Ben, I didn’t give up producing non-existent dance parties in NYC for Apple and other major corporations to come here and fail like I did in New York. You better not fuck with me here fella!

 

Ben: Oh chill Mary, if I ever leaked to Fin how fat and ugly your ass really is, you’d really know what hell is all about. Here, swallow this 20mg valium and man the phones after you fetch my coffee.

 

Rockhard: Yes Ben. Thank you Ben. You’re right as always Ben.

 

Ben: Stick with me Roxy and you’ll be closing on that studio on the Upper East Side before you know it!

 

Ben: <yelling to Rockhard in kitchen> Did you hear that Rocky? You’ll soon be able to get rid of those two street hustler roommates you have been forced to live with for the past three years. Don’t forget - five sugars!

 

Rockhard: I heard you Ben and I trust you. Here’s your java babe. Enjoy. Before I man the phones, I’m just going to go hang up your dry cleaning and tidy up your bedroom a bit.

 

Ben: Gee Rockhard, you’re the best senior assistant any girl could ever want. I’m so Lucky.

 

Rockhard: Oh stop! <giggles out loud like a blushing school girl>

 

Ben: <under his breath as Rockhard walks away> What a fucking moronic loser. And to think I’m not paying him a dime. Who in the world would be so dumb as to work for someone for this long without getting paid?

 

Ben: <yelling for Rockhard> Rock, get me deej on the phone! I have a great idea for my re-launch blog link on Hoo’s site.

 

Rockhard: <on intercom> Ben, I have deej on line 2 for you.

 

Ben: deej! How are you sweetheart? Listen, I only have a second. I have this great idea for a full-blown homepage spread for the re-launching of my blog with just the right amount of panache. I think that….

 

deej: Slow down Pocahontas, sorry to interrupt you, but you know the rules here. Everything pertaining to the review site goes through Daddy.

 

Ben: But deej….

 

deej: I’m not getting involved. Talk to Daddy.

 

Ben: Put him on…

 

deej: Excuse me? Do I look like Rockhard to you?

 

Ben: For your sake deej, I sure the hell hope not.

 

Rockhard: < eavesdropping on phone> I HEARD THAT!

 

Ben: Oops….

 

deej: I’ll leave him a message to call you.

 

Ben: ok.

 

deej: Did you try Rehab? I hear it worked wonders for Mel Gibson and Isaiah Washington.

 

Ben: Huh?

 

deej: never mind, I’ll have Daddy call you. Bye

 

Ben: cya

 

Ben: <on intercom to Roxy> Rox, have I ever met Mel Gibson or Isaiah Washington?

 

Rockhard: Only when you mentioned it on the blog last year sweetie.

 

Ben: Well, shit. That doesn’t count or help me at all now, does it?

 

Rockhard: <snorting like a constipated pig> nope.

 

Ben: Rox, get me Mel Gibson on the phone.

 

Rockhard: And I should tell him that Benjamin Nicholas, the blogging plagiarist prostitute from San Antonio, Texas requires his presence on the phone? <multiple pig snorts>

 

Ben: Save the smart-ass cracks for that irritating son-of-a-bitch Rick Munroe and his dumb as beans partner Derek, ok Rockshit?

 

Rockhard: Whatever!!! <flips hair to left> <checks nails> <calls Jenny Craig>

 

Ben: On second thought Rock, cancel that call to Gibson. If I enter rehab, I’ll have to admit that I have a problem. Now that’s a problem.

 

Rockhard: <on intercom> Ben, sweetie, I have Daddy for you on line 1. Should I put him through?

 

Ben: No. keep him holding for at least three minutes. If I have to wait for him, he’ll do the same for me.

 

Rockhard: SNAP! And around the world with that one gurl! <giggles with drool>

 

Three minutes later…..

 

Rockhard: Daddy, I’ll put you through to Ben now. But before I do, I just wanted to say what a powerful, intelligent and savvy businessman I think you are and…..

 

Daddy: Shut the fuck up Rockhard and put me through to Ben. If I need my ass licked I’ll find someone who doesn’t do it for a living.

 

Rockhard: <under his breath after transfer> Don’t fuck with me fella!

 

Ben: Daddy!! How are you?

 

Daddy: What can I do for you Ben?

 

Ben: I’m sure by now you know that I am re-launching my blog after my short hiatus of personal reflection and re-direction. I want a full page, how does Rockhard say it, oh yeah, a wham-bam celebration extravaganza highlighting my linkage to the blog on your site.

 

Rockhard: < eavesdropping on phone again to self> God I just hate launch parties and their horrible consequences to my reputation…

 

Daddy: Ben, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to pre-approve any and all of your future blog publishing’s before I can link them from the site here. I’m sad to have to say that but I have a responsibility to my members and to the reputation of this site.

 

Ben: Huh? Say what?

 

Rockhard: <on intercom> Ben, I have Dave Barry on line 3.

 

Ben: <nervously biting his nails> Rox, tell him I’m on the phone with the community service people scheduling our agreed upon service to his preferred charity.

 

Rockhard: You want me to lie?

 

Ben: Yes, yes I do.

 

Rockhard: I can do that. I’m still warmed-up from the CS3 launch party that people think I produced and attended.

 

Ben: <rolls eyes>

 

Ben: Daddy are you still there? Daddy?

 

Phone: If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try your call again…….

 

Ben: Rock, get Daddy back for me, fast and I need a warm up on my coffee. Hold the sugar, I’m feeling very anxious all of a sudden.

 

Rockhard: <on intercom> Ben, Dave Barry requires you on the phone, he won’t go away until he talks to you.

 

Ben: <Swallows a 20mg Valium> Tell him I’ll be with him in a minute.

 

Rockhard: Ok Ben, whatever you say.

 

Rockhard: <on intercom> Sorry Ben, but I have Andy Borowitz’s attorney on line 4.

Something about your check to his agreed upon charity bouncing.

 

Ben: <with face buried in both hands> Tell him I’m looking into it and will get back to him very soon.

 

Rockhard: <now wearing a pink bicycle safety helmet with matching chin strap> 10-4 good buddy! <laughs at his own clever mastery of CB trucker’s lingo> <Gives self thumbs up>

 

Rockhard: <on intercom> Ben, Andy Borowitz’s attorney says you have until 4pm to respond to him, then he will be filing papers downtown…and I now have Doug69 on line 5 with Dave Barry still holding on line 3. What should I do?

 

Rockhard: Ben? Ben?

 

Ben: <talking to self like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man> I’m an excellent liar – I’m an excellent liar, It's definitely feeling very small in here right now, very small, very small, 10 minutes to Wapner, 10 minutes to Wapner……. Ok I can do this……

 

Ben: Hang up on Doug69 after you tell him to fuck off and put Dave Barry through.

 

Rockhard: <on intercom> Ben, I hate to throw you a curve ball right now, but Hoo is on line 7.

 

Ben: I don’t know Rock, who is on line 7?

 

Rockhard: Exactly. Hoo is on line 7.

 

Ben: Rockhard DON”T FUCK WITH ME NOW! Who is on line 7? I have to talk with Dave Barry right now.

 

Rockhard: Hoo

 

Ben: Dave Barry

 

Rockhard: No, hoo is on line 7 Dave Barry is on line 3

 

Ben: R-O-C-K-H-A-R-D STOP!

 

Rockhard: <giggling with school girl like pleasure> Sorry Ben, I just couldn’t resist a little Hoo humor. I’ll put Dave Barry through immediately.

 

Ben: Mr. Barry, Sir! Hello, Sir. How are you, Sir?

 

DB: Mr. Nicholas. I’m simply following up with you to confirm that you have registered for our agreed upon 1,000 hours of community service with the charity we discussed during our settlement meeting on the phone last week. Have you complied with the terms of the settlement?

 

Ben: Why yes Sir, Mr. Barry. In fact I just got off the phone with them moments ago. Everything is in order.

 

Rockhard: < eavesdropping on phone again to self> God she’s good <checks eyelashes>

 

DB: Very well then Mr. Nicholas, I’ll be checking in from time to time to ensure your compliance as well as keeping a close eye on your future blog publishing’s.

 

Ben: Thank you, Sir, Mr. Barry, Sir. Thank you for calling. Thank you.

 

Ben: <To Rockhard> This is becoming more than I bargained for. Maybe I should just give up the blog, relocate to Mexico and sell my ass to whoever will have me now.

 

Rockhard: <on intercom> Ben, I have Doug on line 4 again. He’s pissed cause I told him to go fuck himself with a dead horses cock. He says that if you hated his last expose’ on your blogging, you’re really going to hate his newest one on your college education and something about unpaid taxes to the IRS for the past 5 years.

 

Rockhard: Ben? Ben? Ben?

 

Rockhard: BEN! I have ChgoBoy on line 5 and he’s claiming……………..

 

To be continued……

[+ Axiom2001]

Hon, you must have a lot of time on your hands to have written the above. Although it contained interesting material, why NOT let Ben alone to recuperate from the egregious error that he committed? I think that would be the classy thing to do!

[Luv2play]

LOL. Have you considered a career in comedy? :7

[Rick Munroe]

>Ben: Save the smart-ass cracks for that irritating

>son-of-a-bitch Rick Munroe

 

Hey, now just a minute. Leave my mother out of it. :o

 

>and his dumb as beans partner

>Derek

 

It is actually a misconception that Derek is just a big, dumb muscular ape. In reality, he can grunt "Aww, fuuck!!" in 5 languages.

[Guest zipperzone]

Totally brilliant! Can't wait for chapter two

[KMEM]

Cute, but don't all those mentioned by you know you are making fun of them and calling them names regardless of your 3rd person use?

 

My momma told me not to make enemies gratutiously, but you seem to revel in it.

 

Best regards,

 

KMEM

[MindThe Gap]

>Cute, but don't all those mentioned by you know you are

>making fun of them and calling them names regardless of your

>3rd person use?

>

>My momma told me not to make enemies gratutiously, but you

>seem to revel in it.

 

Perhaps you should consider the following picture for your avatar... :-)

 

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y273/chgo/Crucifiction.jpg

[augustman]

Did you forget to read the requirements of this Board? No religion!! I find it particularily offensive, especially this time of year. I find it hard to believe given your lengthy parody that you did not think a few barbs would come, but hardly anything akin to crucifiable like thoughts.

[SAdler]

>Cute, but don't all those mentioned by you know you are

>making fun of them and calling them names regardless of your

>3rd person use?

 

I kinda enjoy being put in the ranks of Jonathan Swift and Alexander Pope. Didn't we decide that MrSilentStar was just someone on this board we already knew bashing the same escort already though?

[KMEM]

What, does this mean you won't be eating Irish children?

 

Best regards,

 

KMEM

[SAdler]

Are there still potatoes a plenty available?

 

Hell I think I gave Swift credit for the theories behind my blog about the Plastic/Bush conspiracy

[AdamSmith]

>being put in the ranks of Jonathan Swift

 

Nor wonder how I lost my Wits;

Oh! Cælia, Cælia Cælia sh——.

 

http://andromeda.rutgers.edu/~jlynch/Texts/cassinus.html

 

>and

>Alexander Pope.

 

Oh hadst thou, Cruel! been content to seize

Hairs less in sight, or any Hairs but these!

 

http://newark.rutgers.edu/~jlynch/Texts/rapelock.html

 

>Didn't we decide that MrSilentStar was just

>someone on this board we already knew

 

15Min copying MrSilentStar -- self-plagiarism, the ultimate narcissism? :+

[KMEM]

Thanks, Augustman, I too am more than offended.

 

Best regards,

 

KMEM

[Rick Munroe]

>Cute, but don't all those mentioned by you know you are

>making fun of them and calling them names regardless of your

>3rd person use?

 

Not in our case. I'm too full of myself and Derek's too dumb.

[MindThe Gap]

>Didn't we decide that MrSilentStar was just someone on this board >we already knew bashing the same escort already though?

 

Well, not just anyone Scott. MrSilentStar was the icefirewizard of that time period. The moniker was used to insert the sword into the unsuspecting back of Athan, to support the lies that were being told and sold to the public about him over at 15 Minutes. The author of that blog was too cowardly to finish what he started, so MrSilentStar was used to finish gutless deed.

 

I'm sure the moniker holds too much personal satisfaction to the author to ever cast it away, even if to never use again.