samhexum

I'm known around here for my simple, tasteful comments about death.

Dude, have you noticed that Lin-Manuel Miranda's more-successful cousin has been en fuego and is now hitting .324 after following up a 5-5 night (three doubles) with a 4-4 (double, homer)? He has 10 straight hits, going back to his last AB Wednesday.

And she is still 100 today!

I see an incredible marketing opportunity... THE DOLLAR STORE PRESENTS: The J-ELLEN TOUR J-LO and ELLEN ALL SEATS $1

FROM THE NY POST: Life’s confusing. Sunday, as Ch. 7 was airing the Pride Parade, replete with dancing drag queens, two stations over Ch. 5 was televising NHRA drag racing.

Dear Abby: My husband and I are retired and have recently joined a Harley-Davidson motorcycle club. We both love to ride and are looking forward to many events in the coming months. At the first meeting we attended, an ex-lover of mine was seated at the same table near my husband. They seemed to enjoy conversing back and forth. I kept a low profile and tried to ignore the situation. I know that at the meetings and upcoming events, we are sure to see each other. Should I tell my husband who this person is? I am concerned it will spoil those events for us and cause issues if I reveal it. My husband has, for years, taken meds for anxiety and depression. We are very happy together, and I love him very much. — Let’s Ride in the South Dear Let’s Ride SLUT: Very few people today don’t have some kind of history. Tell your husband the truth. Believe me, he is sure to be even more anxious and depressed if the situation is revealed before you can tell him. YOU MADE YOUR BED, NOW LAY IN IT (AGAIN)… CONTACT YOUR FORMER FORNICATING PARTNER AND TELL HIM YOU’LL DO ANYTHING ANYTIME IF HE KEEPS YOUR SORDID PAST A SECRET FROM HUBBY. Dear Abby: An old hat style that created problems years ago has returned. The brim is so large that a person sitting behind them in church can see nothing but the back of that hat. It’s aggravating to think I had a good place to sit and then have to spend an hour seeing only that big hat. To block the view of those seated behind you is inconsiderate. I hope you will mention this in your column so women will be reminded how those large brims present a problem in any gathering where people are expected to sit quietly and listen to a speech or sermon. I move when I can, but that isn’t always possible, especially when the hat suddenly “appears” right before the service starts and finding another place to sit isn’t feasible. — Blocked in Alabama Dear Blocked: Your point is well taken. I’m pleased to pass your reminder along to those who need to see it, but since we cannot control the behavior of others, you would be well advised to run for the first row when you have a chance. GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS… I BELIEVE THIS IS HIS WAY OF TELLING YOU TO KILL THE BITCH!

For some reason, this brought @pubic_assistance to mind...

A VISUAL PUN:

Starting beef Jeremy Allen White’s favorite NYC restaurant vandalized with boycott graffiti Rolo’s, a trendy cocktail and eats spot in Ridgewood, Queens, was targeted by haters, who spray-painted “Boycott Rolos” across the eatery’s outdoor dining shed and a nearby green traffic control box.

Starting beef Jeremy Allen White’s favorite NYC restaurant vandalized with boycott graffiti Rolo’s, a trendy cocktail and eats spot in Ridgewood, Queens, was targeted by haters, who spray-painted “Boycott Rolos” across the eatery’s outdoor dining shed and a nearby green traffic control box.

You know how great chefs are always able to elevate the ordinary to the extraordinary… A few days ago, before dropping a pork chop into a bag filled with shake and bake for pork chops, I had the brilliant idea to add some turmeric, garlic powder, Italian seasoning, parsley flakes, and grated Parmesan and Romano to the rather bland shake and bake mix … I expect to be winning many culinary awards. The mixture was so flavorful that over the last few days I have used up a mostly full bag of frozen turkey meatballs by dropping a few of them at a time into another bag of the mixture and shaking, then baking them... You know how great chefs are always able to elevate the ordinary to the extraordinary… Right Before popping my sugar-free golden cake into the toaster oven, I had the brilliant idea of mixing a couple of glops of peanut butter into the batter… I expect to be winning all sorts of baking awards.

Utopia Bagels will open a third location—with a storefront in Long Island City. The company will be opening at 26-11 Jackson Ave., although the operators of Utopia Bagels were unable to provide a specific date. The firm said it is likely to open in 2025. Initially established in 1981 at 1909 Utopia Pkwy. in Whitestone, Utopia Bagels has become a community staple. The company opened a second store, located at 120 E. 34th St. in Midtown, earlier this month. Utopia Bagels prides itself on its method of making bagels: hand-rolling, kettle boiling, and baking each one in a 1947 carousel oven. Throughout its over 40 years of existence, Utopia has maintained the same recipes.

HAPPY BOBBY BONILLA DAY! Today, 61-year-old Bobby Bonilla will collect a check for $1,193,248.20 from the New York Mets, as he has and will every July 1 from 2011 through 2035. In 2000, the Mets agreed to buy out the remaining $5.9 million on Bonilla’s contract. However, instead of paying Bonilla the $5.9 million at the time, the Mets agreed to make annual payments of nearly $1.2 million for 25 years starting July 1, 2011, including a negotiated 8% interest. At the time, Mets ownership was invested in a Bernie Madoff account that promised double-digit returns, and the Mets were poised to make a significant profit if the Madoff account delivered — but that did not work out.

Mull’s daughter Maggie announced the news on Instagram: “I am heartbroken to share that my father passed away at home on June 27th, after a valiant fight against a long illness. He was known for excelling at every creative discipline imaginable and also for doing Red Roof Inn commercials. He would find that joke funny.

Orlando Cepeda has died. He was 86.

If he can play beach volleyball he can always join the Dutch Olympic team. Sent to jail for raping a child, Dutch beach volleyball player qualifies for Paris Olympics representing the Netherlands

Not anymore

I'm so knowledgeable about current porn and Hollywood actors that when I saw the headline, I thought it was the guy who played Elvis. (not a joke)

Dear Abby: Several years ago, I began a friendship with a woman at my church. She had children a few years older than my daughter. The friendship seemed mutually satisfying for a long time, although I noticed on many occasions that my friend seemed entitled and demanding where her children were concerned. I overlooked it until it affected me. I realized over time that she had manipulated and lied to keep my daughter away from hers at teen social events because my daughter had been labeled “annoying.” There was also other deceptive behavior. These betrayals, combined with realizing that we don’t agree on many subjects, has made me lose interest in the friendship. However, she doesn’t seem to share my feelings. She still frequently invites me to lunch (which I refuse) and initiates “friendly” conversations. Confronting her about her behavior would result in denials and a big blowup. How can I bring an end to this fake friendship? — Not Interested in the Midwest Dear Not Interested: Since you no longer wish to continue to have a relationship with this woman, the quickest way to end it would be to tell her exactly what you have learned about how your daughter was treated and that you feel appalled and betrayed. Whether she “blows up” and denies it is irrelevant. If you can’t bring yourself to confront her, then drag it out by continuing to be “too busy” to see her or to have those “friendly” conversations. ASK YOUR DAUGHTER FOR TIPS ON HOW TO BE ANNOYING AND THE PROBLEM WILL SOLVE ITSELF. Dear Abby: My older daughter, “Brianna,” age 42, does not want anything to do with me or her brother and sister-in-law. She keeps me from my granddaughter, who is 17. I have been divorced since the ’90s and remarried for 25 years. My first husband was a cheater. I tried very hard to save my first marriage. We got back together six months later, but he walked out again. When I remarried, Brianna wasn’t happy. I have another daughter, age 24, with my current husband. Brianna wants nothing to do with any of us. I wrote her and said I was sorry for the divorce. She has never mentioned anything about my letter. I have to leave gifts to my granddaughter at the front door. This hurts so bad. Everyone says let them go. I love them so much. What do you think? — Estranged Mom in New Jersey Dear Mom: I think your granddaughter will be 18 very soon, and an adult. IF her mother hasn’t diverted those gifts you have been leaving, she knows she has a grandmother who loves her. The ball will be in her court as to whether to make contact with you. (I hope she will.) If, however, she doesn’t do that, you are going to have to turn your eyes forward and let her and your daughter live their lives, while you concentrate on what is healthy for YOU. DAUGHTER IS A BITCH. KILL HER! (just to be clear, I mean “Brianna”.) If you need interaction with younger people, volunteer some time where it will make a difference. If your interests lie elsewhere, devote some of your extra time and effort in that direction. Your pain may lessen if you give yourself less time to dwell on it. YOU ARE A PERV, WHICH MAY EXPLAIN YOUR DAUGHTER’S BITCHERY. (just to be clear, I mean “Brianna”.)