lseactuary90

I asked on rentmasseur.

Ive seen a pic, he is latino cute.

Several encounters over the past few months. My summary below. Andres: Decent message and HE, closed the lights fully, in between he would talk/whisper to himself and I did look at times to see if someone else was there, but seems not. Won't repeat. Andoni: Ok massage with some nuru (clothes on), unenthusiastic HE, had headphones on which was kinda rude, won't repeat. Alex: Good massage and HE, goes a little further but very much there for the money. Won't repeat as the after attitude was bad. Joy: Good massage, didn't feel the connection tbh (on my side) so won't repeat. Sergey: Great massage, very satisfying overall, will repeat. He has a 4 hands too with his bf I think, will try that

100% correct here. No one is sticking around is a bit stretched here. Its not no one ever comes back, but there are massive lags, like we are talking months sometimes, and I'm not 'chased' for example. So then I am just turned off, and move on. Not everyone, but I can't say 100% also ghost either. Infact I think maybe 5% ghost, most still reply if I text, but will flake. Self-perception isn't matching reality could be the case. But how would I examine this - friends, therapy etc is what I guess normally people do, I've done that, and now I am stuck and unsure what else to try. The escort route actually did make me think I wonder if I could ask for some feedback and the iterate on how I approach guys. Escorts should know how to 'make a guy feel good' so maybe I can learn something and be better. Being fixated on people who don't want what you offer. Very well may be the case. This is what I asked in therapy. How do I figure out who wants "me" if no one dates me and/or comes back and/or tries? Its hard to narrow things down then because any relationship is a 2-way street.

This is what I thought initially also and was told in therapy etc. But I guess as I've been here some time now and see things a bit different. a) There are dudes who are dating, meeting, pairing up etc. Even if you don't have a bf, thats okay, but I find it hard to believe every single person is not having repeat sex with anyone? Open relationships are also common here, so someone is still committing 'a little' to someone. b) I think this 'candy' idea is a myth. After you have lived here a while, yes there are a lot of men, but I wouldn't call it 'choices'. I see the same dudes on apps, probably can point to anyone on the app and tell you the history of me and them and if we met or didn't and why by now. I don't want to blame the city for my issues, I'm just trying to figure out how to navigate this really to make it bearable. That said, I do think NY makes the problem worse in some ways (as what you are saying is what many people I speak to here say). But then, where do I go? LA?

Why does anyone come back? They are attracted to you. They like spending time with you. They want to get to know you. You have something they want (physically, or otherwise). They are looking for connection. The list goes on. I agree its not one-sided, but from my eyes, I offer value, so I'm not sure why I'm not getting any bites.

Building requires someone coming back...

I am looking to break out of the cycle I am in. Currently, my dating life is non-existent, and sex life is lacking intimacy (I get hookups) and quite frankly is boring even when I get a hookup. I have a bunch of things I wanna do with someone (sexually) and I thought I would have a FWB by now to explore these things with, but have not found one. So the escort I see as a stop gap to explore these sexual fantasies and discover more about myself, rather than just get pounded doggy / missionary style for 5 mins yet again (ok I exaggerate, but you know what I mean). Can you link me to what is MMXNYC? I am willing to try but not sure what this is.

The reason for dating is to try and connect someone - beyond physically - and see what attracts you / triggers you. However, if someone isn't even willing to sit down and have a coffee with you, you can't really do much about that. I can only hookup / engage with someone who responds to me. I hit on all kinds of guys and all kinds of guys hit on me. I never 'turn someone away' purely based on physical appearance. This is why I love parties. Seeing someone dance for example, or 'work the room' gives me a sense of their energy and vibe. I've 'turned away' '6 pack studs' because they literally feel like robots when I dance with them, and have a great time with a completely normal dude who may not be some IG superstar for example. But I have the same outcome with both ends of the spectrum. I am already deeply involved in my passions/interests but I am a little fed up of the 'disney concept' that 'when you do what you love someone will come' because that assumes that a gay man - who is single and available - will magically appear from nowhere and this is not true. My friend for example loves to knit, has joined a weekly group, and its all old women there. Is he going to find a man there or by using Grindr? I would put my money on Grindr over the knitting group. I have spent all my time as a gay man developing deep friendships, and continue to do so. I pretty easily make 1-2 friends a year (in the US), and all stay in touch, and the deepness will vary but there is always a good healthy bond there. Friendships have never been an issue for me. However, as I explained above, none of them have turned into anything more, nor did I go into it expecting this, so I can't really say I've had success romantically there. Of course I can continue to make friends, but again, 'hoping' one 'converts' seems like low odds vs actually trying to find someone you want to be with romantically in the first place (whcih is what dating is for). I know I have plenty to offer beyond my 'looks' - infact - I never even considered myself hot and am still not used to people calling be handsome/stud etc because its not at all what I even focus on. Sure I gym but its for my health. Sure I eat clean but again its because I want to. I take care of my skin because I want to look good for myself. This has translated to me appearing 'hot' to others, so thats nice, but I've always thought someone would see my mind and personality (which I think are even better) than anything else. But no. Here we are.

Sorry I missed this part. Ok, I'm down to take a step back and self reflect.

I'm willing to change something, if I know what that something is. I'm always open to trying something new, I'm just really unsure what that looks like. So if you have inputs on what else I can try, I'm all ears. Btw I'm not sure where you are getting 'now even escorts aren't working' when I have not seen one yet. The booking isn't working, the experience is TBD.

I wish I knew what is holding me back. I am doing all the things other people seem to be doing and getting results, so I genuinely don't know what is not working out for me here. I would love to find out what it is. Maybe an escort could actually help me with this because how else do I find out (therapy has not gleaned anything useful)?

I decided to try making even more effort to go out more to find guys instead of going down the escort route after posting that thread and reading the replies. So I didn't proceed with the escort route at the time. I was not successful with my effort, hence I am basically back to this route. The pic in the thread is not me BTW.

I've done most of this already.

I think you misread my statement but I will leave it there.

And what if no one dates you or is into you through the friend groups or sets you up on blind dates (usually because they are taken / don't know someone looking / etc). What do you do?

I think you are merging the 2 together but I am not. An escort cannot become a FWB or BF, I am well aware of this. However, through the service if I at least get to feel the 'centre of attention' feeling, maybe i encourages me to find someone *outside* of escorting to provide that more permanently. Because at the moment its dry as hell and I'm not experiencing anything anyway.

Ah I see what you mean. Yeah that hasn't happened for me unfortunately. Friends remain platonic. Dates are non existent. So basically I have to lead with sex, but it never really goes anywhere. So I'm in this endless loop of having to find someone else, and still not getting my needs met, hence the escort plan, because at least I can finally ask for what I want.

Yes, hence I'm not giving up, but just trying to channel some energy into the in moment stuff, to help alleviate some of this ongoing frustration. If anything, maybe getting some things out of my system may even make me date better I don't know. I have no other ideas to break free from the cycle either, therapy hasn't help because its 'not me', just the world we live in... so I'm not sure what else I can do beyond manage this situation as it is.

Meeting people is never an issue in NY. Its everything else e.g. consistency, flaking, repeat, interest beyond platonic or if sexual then that becoming more and so on.

I want to break away the monotony, to help refire my belly to bother again with finding a FWB or bf. I have been burned so much over the years of constant disappointment and waiting and trying new things only for the same result. I'm done waiting and if my hard earned cash can give me some pleasure I'll take it. I have massages for example, that is a getaway, I'm fully aware, I know its a transaction, but its an hour or so of undivided attention I'm getting, and relaxation. I haven't had that through any other means. FWIW - its not just me who is struggling, idk what has happened, but everyone is struggling with even hooking up nowerdays via apps or similar. It wasn't like this before so I still had hope, but its only gotten worse, but I still have needs and dreams I want to fulfil. So I'm just trying to find a sensible solution. I'm happy to give more specific details via DM, but would still like the info I requested on the main thread if you can help. Also, for *me* they have not worked, I'm not saying it doesn't work for others, but I don't have the same privileges as others may have in the dating market, so am just looking at my cards and making decisions from there. As I said, I know the escort path doesn't solve the core problem, but it helps provide some comfort while I continue to struggle at least.

Im not concerned about being old, I'm concerned that I've spent years looking for something regular - let alone real - and can't seem to find it regardless of what I try. I've done all the conventional things: apps, friends, parties/clubs etc, travelling, therapy (several times) and nothing worked out still to even a FB because of the transient and flakey nature of big cities, and quite frankly, poor quality of men available in the gay community in general (drugged up, several mental issues etc so not someone I would even want a deep connection with). I will still continue, the escort path is not a replacement, its just to start having experiences that are different to my normal one off hookups as I'm literally going mad from those.

I am struggling to find intimacy/connection here in NY (more than hookups) and/or a FB/FWB and/or a BF. I am getting older (approaching mid 30s) and semi loosing hope its gonna work out for me for various reasons. Apps are dead for hookups, bars/parties are also dying out in general. I'm also generally not as attracted to many guys anymore as I used to be, and before my libido dries up, I'm considering the escort path. I've reached out to a handful of guys I find hot, but am kinda struggling to lock this down. I admit I only used rent.men because I found another website and everyone was asking for money before meeting so it seemed like a scam. On rent.men they are usually visiting, so are booked up or I say when they come lets meet, and then suddenly they are busy / don't reply. If we agree on a rate, then last minute they will try and push something like 'oh I can do this rate but come to me' or 'I have dinner plans at 8pm so can't shift the schedule' (and then suddenly the plans are cancelled which is a turn off). Or they only accept Zelle/Venmo and I prefer not to do that since I have a work phone, and offer cash (even with a receipt) but they then seem to get put off. Communication is generally really poor and infrequent (I wonder if text would improve this). I literally am asking them basic things like can you tell me what kinda stuff the BF experience will include and they don't reply or write something so generic like 'we can flip'. Communication was so much better when I lived in London, and I regret not hiring the escorts I liked back then. I've asked for fantasies or ideas to make it exciting, and I'm having to provide this and then they 'choose' (I think because they want me to enjoy, but are barely providing any ideas or initiative). I am also 'hot' so I asked a few of the escorts if they want a bf and/or fun and they agree to the fun. But then its just another hookup (or satisfying their needs) and I'm not really looking for that. If I ask for more they don't seem to want that. So I still have not met a guy. How do I improve this as I'm getting kinda fed up. Also am curious if the BF experience is actually going to provide what I am looking for, or if I am just setting myself up for disappointment. ps I know this is transactional and they will be 'acting' to please me, but honestly at this stage I really don't care, I need to break out of this rut.

Great massage from Sergey this week. Highly recommended.

Yes