lseactuary90

Society doesn't allow things to be purely chemistry based though. I have heard so many stories (of particularly people of colour) being 'liked' and there being 'chemistry' with a man, but he cannot socially integrate them so will partner up with his clone, and keep the other guy on the side. If we lived in world where people were true to chemistry, I don't think we would have the mess we currently do.

The issue I face is the matches I get 'for free', most if not all of which seem like genuine non-options. I ran an experiment, by boosting my visibility on [an app], and seeing what came over a 48 hour period. I had close to 200 matches in that period (as in people who liked me, but I've yet to match with them) to see what I could 'get' and if I was genuinely being picky. This was the breakdown: A) 'In shape' white men who are married/in a relationship/taken emotionally -- about 25% B) Visiting (all races, mostly white) -- 20% C) Black men who are bottom only or more on the feminine side -- about 15% D) 'In shape' white men, 40s, bi/gay and single but looking for a FWB/FB etc only -- 10% [little to no engagement beyond a hi and nude pic exchanges] E) Old white men (I'm talking 65+ year olds, several 75+ year olds) -- about 10% F) Partnered (any other race) -- 10% G) Middle Eastern (closeted) straight men -- about 5% H) Obese 35+ year old women (no idea how this happened as I filter for men only) -- about 5% As a mixed race (non-black), muscled, tall dude, who is vers, this is needless to say very dissapointing. How are any of these 'real' options that I could genuinely give a shot?

I am very aware: I speak to / know dozens of people like this, hence I tread carefully. I guess part of me just then wondered why I can't even find that lmao. But I am still human and want a cuddle or two you know?

Your insight is fascinating and I didn't think of it this way. Will reflect.

This is a very helpful post, thank you. On the dating in NYC issue, this is basically what my therapist said, and said my value system is different and I would be better suited to finding a place which mirrors those values. However, I pushed back, explaining that others here seem completely fine with dating, entering relationships etc, and therefore I don't understand what they are doing. The therapist warned me about not knowing the full picture of what is going on with their situation though, which is fair. However, I like to think the best of people, so then I always wonder. The men you describe I imagine are 'in the scene' but I have seen many on apps like Hinge who are not in these parties etc, or at work for example who are coupled up and more 'normal' so I'm unsure how they do it. At the end of the day, I still live here, am trying my best to live a full life as best as I can, and given my age also I am trying to not 'miss the boat' if that makes sense. I guess, I'm also not delusional, and aware of the difficulties in the gay community, which is why my expectation is still not very high in terms of finding a partner. But that shouldn't exclude me from dating, experiencing intimacy and presence etc completely. The sad part is it does seem to be the case. Interesting on the provider reward. The comment of "why do you need to pay" didn't make me feel special, it confused me actually, and I wish he didn't say it. It actually made me think why are normal methods not working - even more than I normally do - hence I was confused. I guess I was just thrown off more because he showed 'interest' (even if fake) and this was a massage that escalated. I like your analogy about the magic show, made my chuckle, but is very accurate. Agreed on the boredom part and relationships being difficult. I am just not finding someone to even give me a shot in that sense, and unsure what to do about it. But your post did help me feel more settled with what happened now that I understand it better.

I give people ~3 chances (and more depending on how they respond to texts etc, sometimes less if there is a huge red flag which is <5% of cases). You would be surprised how many guys simply fuck up by flaking or otherwise.

I guess I see it a bit differently. I didn't control the time or duration - he overstayed since we were talking and it was fine. Yes I controlled the place but I do with hookups too. If anything, I controlled the fact that this was a massage, an not the fact that it escalated, so I had les control than a hookup, so I would say the reverse was true. Noted on the sex diet, good way of looking at it. Out of interest, do you find the high quality escort sessions help make you a better partner / lover etc?

Being single is totally okay. What I am not ok with is going through life never experiencing intimacy of any kind or connection beyond platonic.

I did consider it but I'm not sure I could do it. I'm very much wired for a 1:1 sensual intimate experience, with someone I am attracted to, so I'm not sure I could satisfy someone I am not into at all. And I say this because I've had (free) hookups with guys I've not been into and never felt good about it after. Plenty of tall handsome gay tall hung men are on these apps, so I guess they are struggling. Just because someone has these attributes, doesn't mean they will find a match, infact, sometimes the 'more boxes you tick' the harder it is to find a match because the pool is smaller to match you if that makes sense? I have an acquaintance - tall, white, muscled, high IG following / social, etc, can't find a relationship, because he is a bottom, and tops tend to seek shorter bottoms for example.

I am the one making effort 98% of the time and its unmet.

Nope, its because we never develop interest/romantic interest with eachother. And because they are straight, in a relationship, not compatibility for other reasons and so on. I don't equate a relationship to an escort experience (or hookup) and never have.

Great post, thank you. Somewhat agree re: your NYC paragraph. I guess my mindset is I'm emotionally ready for more - and have been for a while - but it just doesn't seem to happen. So do I want to 'wait' till 40 for a 'maybe this happens' or do I want to take some steps to try and still grow as I can. I think growth should be constant and not at the 'mercy' of when someone decides to 'give you a shot'. Also, I know plenty of emotionally unavailable men here, who find (typically open) relationships and otherwise, so I don't think its 'binary'. Infact, I tend to find a lot of relationships that occur here are with more between emotionally avoidant men, so this 'myth' that people who are 'perfect' (I don't mean physically) end up in relationships simply untrue in my experience. I would argue its easier to find someone if you are emotionally colder, since there is more of that around, so its easier to find a match. To put it another way, since this also comes up in therapy, 'your in your 20s, give it time', I did, now I'm in my 30s and nothing is happening and am told 'wait till your 40's;'. So what if I reach 50 and never find anyone? Do I then hire an escort? Given the way things are going for me - well not going for me - doesn't engaging sooner just make more sense? It is hard for me not to be confused, given I never have experienced intimacy through dating / a relationship yet, not by choice, but someone just never selected me (and vice versa). I am aware he is playing a role, but my reference point is different, and this is what is throwing me off. My comparison here is with the soulless hookups, guys who are flakey and ghost regardless of how much you engage, entitled pricks who are always looking to replace you etc, not a partner you once had and can compare intimacy to if that makes sense. This is what made me pause, as I wasn't sue if I am charting dangerous grounds. This is why I left the encounter with mixed feelings. If you look at it another way, I could pay him again, experience intimacy again, and that would be my most consistent experience with a man till date. Does this move me along further? Of course, I finally experience reciprocation more than once with a man, and can see how that feels *for me*. Is the disappointment that someone isn't selecting me / only with me for the money per say, real too, very much yes. So I thought about it more, and this is what was interesting, I was present in a way that wasn't new, but respected an reciprocated 'back', and that is what felt different. Often in these encounters I'm showing up as I did, but then they are the ones pulling back for whatever reason or emotionally guarded, and not meeting me where I am at, so its hard to feel this 'complete' way when your giving and someone isn't reciprocating. Ofc there have been moments where they have (for free) - and those didn't last for whatever reason - but that doesn't make them less real and are a useful benchmark again that I am capable of 'more' but just need someone to match me. What threw me off is it came from the escort avenue, which is not what I was expecting.

You seem to have a fixed mindset of how you see things and are quoting things to suit your own narrative. What you 'quoted' were things the masseur said to me, not things I claimed. Comparing me to someone with illness, etc, shows m clearly where your mindset is at. 'You don't have that obstacle' clearly shows me you lack empathy and don't understand the situation I am in. EVERYONE is dealing with their set of cards. While yes, I have privilege in some regards, this doesn't automatically mean anything and you are delusional to think so. It is funny when I claim I 'shouldn't' have issues, then I am shut down, and then you literally say the same thing comparing me to someone disabled. Go look at yourself. I have tried to reason with you, but you clearly have no interest in considering other opinions or keep an open mind, so I request you to stop responding to my threads as I wi;l not be responding to your posts anymore.

Indeed I have but it honestly doesn't help much. It varies so I don't tend to compare directly because everyone's situation is different. Some had relationships are are choosing to 'sit it out'. Some have simply given up entirely and don't participate. Some are in relationships. Some are getting dates but not the matches they like etc. Some are happily coupled. etc. I basically know someone in every situation haha. However, it is hard for me to find someone in my 'exact' situation, because I guess everyone has their own life experience, hence I more focus on what I want from life / where I want to be in life etc. The analogy I give in therapy is if you are disabled and want to play basketball, and keep speaking to other disabled people, and then michael jordan, neither helps your situation right?

This was exactly my thinking going into the encounter (well massage, but obviously it evolved to more). I either sit around 'waiting' for someone to give me a shot via a dating app or otherwise, or take matters into my own hands in some sense, and experience more for myself in another way. This also doesn't mean I 'gave up' on trying to date etc and experience the 'real world' but this was just a way to manage the constant 'getting nowhere' in this area of my life. I don't see single-ness as an issue at all. I have come across so many failed relationships - and even console several people in these dynamics - to know that being single and happy is much better than being with a shitty person. The piece that threw me off was the (mutual) escalation and then the comment about not needing to 'pay'. I wish he hadn't said this.

Honestly, I'm not sure I understand your view, and therefore I am not sure how to respond to this. I would be open to connecting and chatting over this though. FWIW - I do feel like you are throwing judgement, without actually knowing my journey/life so far, but I also understand you will base your views on what you read on the forum since you don't know me, and that is ok.

"Look at your previous threads on the exact same topic." - I did and the pointers provided I have done at this point, extensively. ...so your next step is just live life and see what happens? That is what I did for 10 years, and clearly this didn't work, so you are saying do another 10 years of this. That sounds like a sure way to continue to fail. I am still seeing this new therapist weekly, nothing useful has come of it just yet. We are back to 'its not you, its them' which I am fed up of hearing in therapy quite frankly, but I also don't imagine things changing in therapy anymore. Hence I sought an alternative through the massage experience (again, not expecting it to become a sexual experience) just to feel something a bit different before I went completely crazy. FWIW at least this experience 'shook me' in some way, more than I can say any therapy has.

Not seeing any active solutions / next steps in this message. "why you only let yourself be soft when it’s safe and scripted" -- not true. I have had similar instances of this before, but they did not repeat for various reasons, with that particular person. And these were 'for free'. "Maybe the intimacy you’re chasing isn’t out there" -- agreed. And maybe these escort experiences can actually help me move through how to feel more connected so I can show up differently/better in the 'free' experiences vs waiting for someone to help me through these.

Well this is the issue also. This was a 'quality' experience. He was present, he was talking to me like a human, and I left not feeling the desire for more for a week (because I was 'full'). Vs these tik tok monkeys who are always looking for the next best thing, and can't even hold a conversation (or try to). This is what is killing me inside.

Re: friendships, I was answering to your frame i.e. friendships lead to romantic encounters, and in my case, they have not. My phrasing could have been better, sure. But my point stands. The people I was talking about 'only sex is on offer' isn't these friends or avenues I use to make friends. Its apps, parties etc. I think you are confusing the 'pools' here. Ok, people are not behaving how I intended, but what I am doing others seem to do with more success. So, I'm asking you, what can I do to change things around, given what I am doing clearly isn't working. Yes, I'm aware the frame is controlled, and I'm not saying he 'chose me freely'. I'm just sharing the experience, and grief really, that I've not experienced this 'through choice of someone' per say. The fact that I had to pay for someone to be present, kind and open with me, is what is the grief here I am explaining. Like nothing we went through together was 'impossible' in a normal 'free' setting so its sad someone 'paid' could be present with me, and when its 'free' I'm just used and thrown. I have, for years, and nothing has worked out for me hence I am where I am and am actively trying to turn things around but trying things.

I like your pastry analogy, that's gonna stick in my mind. I think he based the comment on how I look. I'm not 'paying for sex' though, I'm paying for presence/intimacy etc which is lacking elsewhere. They are different.

I feel there is a lot of assumptions and projection here but I will try and address your comments. I have gone down the friendship path in the sense of seeing if that leads to a romantic relationship and it hasn't. I cherish the friends I have, and work hard to keep those connections alive and thriving. I was simply pointing out that the friends have not turned into 'lovers' (so far). That doesn't doesn't mean the friendship has been a 'waste of time' in any way. I continue to make friends regardless of sexual / romantic attraction and that is going well for me otherwise. I'm not sure if its a projection at all. When I offer dates, drinks, to chat, etc, they agree, and vanish. When I offer sex, they turn up, and still vanish. So, I'm not sure what to actually 'do' here if I can't land dates and people don't seem interested in knowing me beyond my body. I never said my looks (or otherwise) 'earns' me anything, connection isn't built like this, but I'm always aware of how the community operates, and its very confusing to constantly be told 'you will be fine' when I am not. I disagree with your intimacy line. I want the risk, work and discomfort. But I literally cannot find someone who wants it with me. I can't build this with a brick wall. As I said, the masseur experience went further on its own (I did not pay for him to have sex with me or stay and share about himself), it wasn't intended to go the way it did but it did, and now I have these feelings that I am trying to unpack.

And I gave it an honest shot (i.e. put myself out there more, tried to form connections etc) without trying this path but nothing worked out still. I tried a bunch of 'new places' as suggested, but nothing led to a lasting connection (beyond platonic friendships I mean). Just more ghosting, flaking and bad behaviour on their side. I also tried the friendship path, but nothing 'romantic' came from that. People in general just don't seem interested in connecting unless you are 'offering' something like sex or otherwise. Its a real headache. I also tried a new therapist, who is a Dr (so way smarter than me so I was hoping to get caught out or something) who also is now at a point where he is 'blaming' NYC. Sigh. Tbh, even the masseur I wasn't expecting it to go further, yet here we are. The pleasant twist was the escort did reply and not flake (as I had previously complained about this issue) so that was a step in a positive direction at least.

I recently hired a masseur to come over for an erotic massage at my place. I also knew he escorts (he’s on RentMen) but contacted him for a massage on a different website hence it was a different rate also. Things flowed naturally - we ended up making out, grinding, and connecting beyond the massage itself. He was even down to top me (though it didn’t end up happening), and we ended up lying together, talking, and just being. It felt real. Comfortable. Honestly, it was the most “seen” I’ve felt by someone in NYC in a long time - definitely non-platonically. At one point, while we were just lying together, he asked: “Why do you need to pay?” I brushed it off. I wasn’t ready to unpack the reality of my dating life with him. The truth is: dating here has been non-existent for me. Literally zero dates. Hookups? Sure, but mostly disappointing - disconnected, drugged-out, disinterested, transactional. I’m more of a 1:1, slow, sensual kind of guy, and NYC’s scene feels like a conveyor belt of fast, flaky sex. Honestly, it’s been some of the worst sex of my life. Instead of explaining all that, I just said: “It’s hard to find someone who can handle me.” He looked confused and said: “Someone tall, built, with a big dick like you? You’ll be fine.” But I don’t feel fine. That comment sat with me. He also did go down on me, even though he identifies as straight. I didn’t overthink it in the moment, but it left me wondering. I followed up a week later, and he was receptive. He messaged back quickly (again, rare in NYC), and was down to meet again. But then he said: “No rush bro. But if I looked like you, I wouldn’t pay.” That comment threw me. Not because I’m against paying as money isn’t the issue. What messed with my head is: what does it mean if the only way I’ve ever felt this kind of presence, softness, and intimacy is through a paid experience? Was it him? Was it just my starvation for connection finally getting fed? Am I overthinking all of it? I’ve never hired an escort before (just spa massages with HE's usually, although I have been topped there too sometimes lol) so I don’t know what’s “normal.” I do wonder if I should book someone else, maybe try a “boyfriend experience,” since I’ve never even come close to having a real relationship. Maybe I just need to get it out of my system. Because here’s the thing: In that space, with him, I melted. I was soft, present, sensual, alive. I liked who I was in that moment. And that version of me doesn’t come out on Grindr, Feeld, Scruff, Hinge, Tinder or even at gay dancing or sex parties. Not even close. It was WAY better (in terms of that satisfaction and 'whole' feeling) than any therapy I've ever had also. So I guess my question is: Is it worth continuing down this road? Will I be paying for intimacy forever? And why did a paid interaction feel more real than all the “free” ones I’ve had? Would appreciate any perspectives, especially from those who’ve navigated this before.

Anyone know what happened to Cody?