Even with all the options we have, it appears the Holy Grail is missing:
1. A complete (hitting all body parts) professional grade therapeutic massage on a sturdy comfortable table, lighting and music appropriate to a massage.
2. Sensual elements, not necessarily constant--scattered moments would be fine.
3. A masseur with a muscular build, naked throughout, comfortable with appreciatve, gentle roaming hands, and a friendly personality, perhaps with cheerful conversation to start, fading as the massage takes effect is perfectly OK.
4. A satisfying, not perfunctory or clinical (and certainly not DIY unless I prefer), erotic ending, perhaps a bit playful or interactive but not necessarily heavily so.
5. No upsell unless I ask for it.
Or have I missed someone?