How to manage a relationship and hiring

[+ Tarte Gogo]

For those of you who are single, you just don’t have this problem.

For those who are in an open relationship also, I have no idea how you even got there, but you don’t have this issue.

 

For the rest of us (probably a minority), we have, for many reasons, not everything we want at home, and at the same time we have not the ability to be open about the fact that we are hiring sexual services to compensate what we cannot get at home.

 

First, let brush aside why you cannot simply tell our significant other:

It is likely different for everyone. But there may be a recurring reason: The partner believes in monogamy. You don’t. How do you reconcile that? You don’t. Beliefs are not always reconcilable. So you could just tell them about this difference of beliefs and hurt them by telling them you go fuck around, and maybe they will just leave you, or, you can keep it very quiet.

This is the path many choose. It has major disadvantages over being single, but you get to keep a life partner.

 

Why hiring rather than have an affair? An affair is really dangerous. Your casual fuck could become a repeat, which could become a regular, which could fall in love with you. A guy in love with you is ready to do any stupid thing, especially if he is young. So he could be asking for you to get a divorce and marry him, or he could blackmail you to come at your door and reveal everything to your significant other if you don’t leave them for him.

Less dangerous, but still awkward, he could be calling you at the wrong time because he “wants to speak to you and hear your voice”.

 

Hiring escorts avoids all of this with near certainty. An escort is only interested in you because of your money. He won’t fall in love with you, and so you won’t have to be scared that he will do something crazy. It is also part of his job to be very discreet. You don’t even have to tell him where you live or your real name. So he can’t turn up at your door and tell your life partner.

Unless you have money for him, he is not interested in you.

 

The other advantages of escorts over an affair are:

 

1. A lot of variety of guys, rather than repeat with just one guy over and over again.

 

2. The guys you fuck are much hotter than whatever you can pull! Let’s face it, you cannot get hotties any longer. They prefer to sleep with other hotties. Unless you pay them.

 

3. They are pros. They know how to have good sex, because they've had so much of it. Unlike a random average guy you pulled in a bar, who is still guessing the details of how to deep throat properly, or cleanup down there properly.

 

Obviously, with a significant other that cannot know you are hiring, you have a huge amount of limitations:

 

You cannot use your home for anything, unless your significant other goes away for a long period of time AND you can avoid the neighbours seeing your escort, or talking about him completely. Seems unlikely. Also doing something at home means the escort knows where you live and one day he may even consider to blackmail you into giving him money in exchange for “not knocking at your door and telling everything to your significant other”.

If you are single, this blackmail is simply not possible (some other type of blackmail may still be).

 

So you chose home to be out of bounds for escorts. Much simpler.

 

That gives you only very few options:

 

- get a hotel room, which increases the cost of the escort quite significantly, even with day hotels.

 

- use only escorts that do incalls. This reduces the number of escorts you have access to, to 1/3rds of the total number of escorts I think.

 

But also the time at which you are expected home is not extensible indefinitely. In the evening, you are supposed to be back at a time that makes sense for someone that works AND that isn’t having an affair.

 

So when can you see an escort?

 

1. During work hours or lunch time breaks. If your work is intense, this is likely to be very short periods. It won’t make you feel like you have a temporary boyfriend, unlike an overnight could. But if you have a significant other, then maybe you just don’t need that. If you just need to empty your balls, it can make sense.

 

2. After work. Claim that you have an office after-work drinks or something like this. That cannot be too frequent, though. Very suspicious especially if your partner knows some of the people at work.

 

3. A couple of hours in the evenings or weekends. You can claim you are spending time with a friend, if that friend is ready to “cover for you” and lie about the fact that you were together. Alternatively, you can claim you are going to the gym.

 

4. A multi-day business travel: you will be busy during the day (presumably working) but not most evenings. Great, because you have a hotel, so you can do outcalls, and also you don’t have any time by which you are expected at home in the evening. Schedule the maximum amount of fucking that you can afford.

 

5. If you and your partner sometimes go on holidays separately. This is likely to be rare. 2 cases:

A. If your significant other is away on holidays, your schedule at home is completely free. You can be fucking in your home area for as long as you want everyday that they are away. Just make sure you don’t take a FaceTime call from the escort’s bedroom.

B. If you go away on a holiday without your significant other. Even better than business travel: you are completely free to replace museum visits or beach time with as much fucking as you can afford. You can do overnights, breakfasts in bed, lunches and dinners with an escort. Do it all!

 

 

Not sure why I write so much today. Just dumping a load of thoughts onto you guys

Edited January 8, 2018 by Tarte Gogo

[jjkrkwood]

I would never judge anyones relationship or style because "one size does not fit all.... But I would think subjects such as monogamy and fidelity would be discussed way before any "committment" to each other is made so that its clear where both partners stand when in the relationship. YES, things can also change over time, and here is where communication becomes key. For me personally, it wouldnt be comfortable being in a relationship if I wasnt on the same page as my partner... I dont like secrets, and I'm a bad liar, so relationship transparency is crucial for ME.....

 

Hiring, just like affairs is "addictive" behavior, so I dont see where one is preferred over the other, and in either scenario it would just be more comfortable doing "openly". My belief is that if you and your partner are not on the same page, or able to find some common ground, its just the wrong relationship for you to be in.....

 

Secrecy can be very destructive to a relationship. It changes your behavior, your openess and your intimacy, however if these are things you can deal with and handle, then you need to do what works best for you...

 

Deception is a slippery slope, so make sure your shoes have traction......

[LADoug1]

As someone who has fallen in love with a married man I’m having an affair with I can appreciate the benefits of hiring.

Edited January 5, 2018 by LADoug1

[liubit]

Very interesting analysis, @Tarte Gogo. My situation is a bit different: I have been in a relationship for the past 15 years and, even if I am 10 years older than my soon-to-be-husband boyfriend, my sexual drive is way, way higher than his, and my appetite for boys a lot more voracious. We are still very much in love and do have terrific sex once in a while, but I need more.

 

We have an arrangement that has worked very well for us: we can fool around on the side as much as we want, with three basic conditions:

- never bring the boy home

- no free hook ups, only paid sex with escorts is allowed

- be transparent and never hide anything

 

It is the best of both worlds to me: my escort boys fulfill my sexual needs, and my boyfriend provides all the necessary love, emotion and intimacy I want. I am a happy camper.

[jjkrkwood]

Very interesting analysis, @Tarte Gogo. My situation is a bit different: I have been in a relationship for the past 15 years and, even if I am 10 years older than my soon-to-be-husband boyfriend, my sexual drive is way, way higher than his, and my appetite for boys a lot more voracious. We are still very much in love and do have terrific sex once in a while, but I need more.

 

We have an arrangement that has worked very well for us: we can fool around on the side as much as we want, with three basic conditions:

- never bring the boy home

- no free hook ups, only paid sex with escorts is allowed

- be transparent and never hide anything

 

It is the best of both worlds to me: my escort boys fulfill my sexual needs, and my boyfriend provides all the necessary love, emotion and intimacy I want. I am a happy camper.

 

liubit, I am glad you found the compromise that works for your relationship. I too was in a non-convention relationship for 22 years and it worked fine, so I do agree with most of your comment. The only thing I would like to understand more is how the "money" aspect of your extra-curricular makes any difference ? Outside sex is still sex, whether paid or free, so not sure I would agree that ONLY paid sex be allowed. but then again, its the personal way you fine-tune your arrangement, and congrats on making things work !

Edited January 6, 2018 by jjkrkwood

[+ Tarte Gogo]

Very interesting analysis, @Tarte Gogo. My situation is a bit different: I have been in a relationship for the past 15 years and, even if I am 10 years older than my soon-to-be-husband boyfriend, my sexual drive is way, way higher than his, and my appetite for boys a lot more voracious. We are still very much in love and do have terrific sex once in a while, but I need more.

 

We have an arrangement that has worked very well for us: we can fool around on the side as much as we want, with three basic conditions:

- never bring the boy home

- no free hook ups, only paid sex with escorts is allowed

- be transparent and never hide anything

This is amazing.

 

I totally get the "paid escort only" clause, that eliminates the chance of falling in love with someone else, since the boys are there exclusively for the money, and leave as soon as it runs out. This way you know the love aspect of your relationship is between you and your partner only. Gives both some certainty about the "I love you and only you" commitment. Also what I seek.

 

I also get the "not at home" clause. Some people share escorts and hookups but that is a very special relationship. Others will feel better not witnessing or even imagining the act (too much).

 

It is the best of both worlds to me: my escort boys fulfill my sexual needs, and my boyfriend provides all the necessary love, emotion and intimacy I want. I am a happy camper.

 

My thinking exactly.

[+ Just Sayin]

I agree, very thorough analysis, @Tarte Gogo; I think you've touched upon the issues; I am fortunate in that my husband and I do travel separately from time to time, and I can see a masseur during those times; he knows I enjoy what he calls "dirty massages" and he knows I try to schedule them as opportunities present themselves.

[MikeBiDude]

I totally get the "paid escort only" clause, that eliminates the chance of falling in love with someone else, since the boys are there exclusively for the money, and leave as soon as it runs out.

Well, not always. And it can get painful. Topic for another time...but don’t assume they ALL leave when the money stops.

 

So hiring is not a 100% failsafe to your OP/question.

[+ Tarte Gogo]

Well, not always. And it can get painful. Topic for another time...but don’t assume they ALL leave when the money stops.

 

So hiring is not a 100% failsafe to your OP/question.

Well, maybe I am not a nice guy. They always left when I stopped paying. And I am talking about over 150 different guys. No exception.

[MikeBiDude]

Well, maybe I am not a nice guy. They always left when I stopped paying. And I am talking about over 150 different guys. No exception.

And I’m talking about maybe 1 in that 150....if that fortunate. But lightning has struck twice for me.

 

That said....your premise RE: hiring while in a relationship is valid

[+ Tarte Gogo]

And I’m talking about maybe 1 in that 150....if that fortunate. But lightning has struck twice for me.

 

That said....your premise RE: hiring while in a relationship is valid

Oh I see! Maybe I need to stop now? The odds are against me now that I have reached the critical number!

The 155th or something will be my downfall.

Edited January 8, 2018 by Tarte Gogo

[MikeBiDude]

Oh I see! Maybe I need to stop now! The odds are against me now that I have reached the critical number!

The 155th or something will be my downfall.

LOL!!

[liubit]

The only thing I would like to understand more is how the "money" aspect of your extra-curricular makes any difference ? Outside sex is still sex, whether paid or free, so not sure I would agree that ONLY paid sex be allowed. but then again, itys the personal way you fine-tune your arrangement, and congrats on making things work !

Well, @Tarte Gogo hits it right on the nail:

 

I totally get the "paid escort only" clause, that eliminates the chance of falling in love with someone else, since the boys are there exclusively for the money, and leave as soon as it runs out. This way you know the love aspect of your relationship is between you and your partner only. Gives both some certainty about the "I love you and only you" commitment. Also what I seek.

Basically, the answer is “because escorts leave after the deed”.

[+ freecahill1965]

Oh I see! Maybe I need to stop now! The odds are against me now that I have reached the critical number!

The 155th or something will be my downfall.

ROFLMAO!

[+ ODIN51]

The other advantages of escorts over an affair are:

 

1. A lot of variety of guys, rather than repeat with just one guy over and over again.

 

2. The guys you fuck are much hotter than whatever you can pull! Let’s face it, you cannot get hotties any longer. They prefer to sleep with other hotties. Unless you pay them.

 

3. They are pros. They know how to have good sex, because they've had so much of it. Unlike a random average guy you pulled in a bar, who is still guessing the details of how to deep throat properly, or cleanup down there properly.

 

WELL SAID, @Tarte Gogo. Bravo!!! I love reading it. A few years ago, I was so in love with a childhood friend of mine and it lasted for a few years and then he got married. It was such a beautiful relationship and I was happy everyday when I was with him. But I guess that relationship was not meant to last. After it ended, I got so depressed for months but woke up one morning and told myself "I don't have to suffer just because we broke up. I can move on and fuck any handsome young guys I like and don't have to fall in love with any of them". So that is what I am doing now and I am very happy. And I don't have plans yet to find another guy to fall in love with. THANK YOU, @Tarte Gogo

[Guest RBmont-real]

If you know for a fact you are being dishonest based on your understanding of your partner's expectations, then perhaps you should consider yourself to be in an arrangement rather than a relationship. The relationship is essentially over, with some residual vestiges of what it was. And there is no one lie that can exceed the value of any one truth. So you are essentially living a life of lesser value, but maybe the tradeoff is OK, maybe not.

 

I do not think that the sexual arena should necessarily get top billing for defining this kind of commitment shift. Many arrangements that were relationships are called relationships for purposes of convenience, yet the alteration is not based on where sex lives with either partner. The tipping point of irreconcilability has not been reached, but it is bullshit to claim the same relationship credential.

 

Problem is, most people essentially think that sex is uniquely dirty. It is also conceptually concrete and definable so it is the go-to whipping boy of infidelity. That is simply how sex has been socially constructed. Going to a spa when you can save money on a DIY facial while saving money is the contract is not likely a dealbreaker. As an example, it is even more concrete than sex. Sex has landed into the unfortunate position of being concrete enough to get more attention than "marital" affection and other interpersonal vagaries that often erode, but elusive enough and sufficiently connected to bodily eliminatory patterns and putitanical underpinnings to be the numero uno area where you are royally nonpleasurably fucked especially if your partner does not want sex or you don't want sex with who your partner now is.

 

There is no managing it well. It is like living with a club foot where the world is split between a small fraction supporting working and adjusting to it and a large fraction who are of the view amputation is the answer.

 

I personally do not think consensual sex is dirty. I would never ever ever inform my key peeps about my sexual practices as they would find them objectionable. I am single, but do not think their ignorance of that dimension of my life is appreciably different as far as cheating them of truly knowing me, compared to a (hypothetical, in my case) partner not truly knowing me. Essentially, the promise to a partner is more a formal declaration whereas the idea of conforming to peeps' values is comparatively implicit. The consequences of disclosure can be devastating either way. But being trapped this way is bilateral. I refuse to fully own the responsibility. And I do not buy into the silliness of ideas that primary partner relationships get upperhand priority over other significant connections. Someone, someones, arbitrarily decided this for me? Well fuck that! This is 2018!

 

The discourse is peppered with stupidity, rigidity, and wacko antequated ideas about sex. You simply cannot successfully beat back the tsunami-grade tide of quantitative volume related to popular opinion, particularly when many folks purport the superiority of a more conservative traditional view out of the need for acceptance and conformity. Add sex work components into the mix and you are irreversibly further balls-deep tissue-trauma-level FUCKED. It is more in your face if you are partnered, but very few people will like this aspect of those of us who hire.

 

There is, I believe, no best strategy when the choice is symbolically missionary FUCKED to breaking point versus doggie-style FUCKED to a pulp. A multitude of contextual factors comes into play. Sometimes a balanced evaluation can help. Tossing a coin may sometimes be the best approach in this deep paradox of being damned whether you do or don't.

 

I was born with an average sex drive and evolved to often prefer interactional sex over onanism. I do not want or need to have to jump through complex hoops to get sex. I masturbate efficiently and have a similar right to access desirable sexual partners in an expedient fashion. I work hard for my personal resources. Sex may involve a mutually beneficial, adult, consensual exchange. I follow basic societal rules of decency and propriety, honor the law, and respect others. I draw the line at having to abide by others' expectations of self-deprivation. I seek sex in much the same way I forage for healthy balanced nutrition that meets my taste preferences. I do not conflate the acquisition of sex with "addiction". I value both self-actualization and interpersonal connection. I will always, however, privilege my prerogatives over others' opinions when related to aspects of my life that really should not concern them. I lie by omission. I lie to protect my reputation and others' self-centric sensibilities. I have no need to educate or shapeshift others' self-directed efforts towards sexual actualization.

 

This is how I think today. It is always evolving. I used to think differently and in a way that left me unhappy. This kind of forum offers a place to safely articulate one's position, views that are considered by many to be anathema. A valuable resource, this place.

[Deadlift1]

That was great.

[+ Tarte Gogo]

If you know for a fact you are being dishonest based on your understanding of your partner's expectations, then perhaps you should consider yourself to be in an arrangement rather than a relationship. The relationship is essentially over, with some residual vestiges of what it was. And there is no one lie that can exceed the value of any one truth. So you are essentially living a life of lesser value, but maybe the tradeoff is OK, maybe not.

 

I do not think that the sexual arena should necessarily get top billing for defining this kind of commitment shift. Many arrangements that were relationships are called relationships for purposes of convenience, yet the alteration is not based on where sex lives with either partner. The tipping point of irreconcilability has not been reached, but it is bullshit to claim the same relationship credential.

 

Problem is, most people essentially think that sex is uniquely dirty. It is also conceptually concrete and definable so it is the go-to whipping boy of infidelity. That is simply how sex has been socially constructed. Going to a spa when you can save money on a DIY facial while saving money is the contract is not likely a dealbreaker. As an example, it is even more concrete than sex. Sex has landed into the unfortunate position of being concrete enough to get more attention than "marital" affection and other interpersonal vagaries that often erode, but elusive enough and sufficiently connected to bodily eliminatory patterns and putitanical underpinnings to be the numero uno area where you are royally nonpleasurably fucked especially if your partner does not want sex or you don't want sex with who your partner now is.

 

There is no managing it well. It is like living with a club foot where the world is split between a small fraction supporting working and adjusting to it and a large fraction who are of the view amputation is the answer.

 

I personally do not think consensual sex is dirty. I would never ever ever inform my key peeps about my sexual practices as they would find them objectionable. I am single, but do not think their ignorance of that dimension of my life is appreciably different as far as cheating them of truly knowing me, compared to a (hypothetical, in my case) partner not truly knowing me. Essentially, the promise to a partner is more a formal declaration whereas the idea of conforming to peeps' values is comparatively implicit. The consequences of disclosure can be devastating either way. But being trapped this way is bilateral. I refuse to fully own the responsibility. And I do not buy into the silliness of ideas that primary partner relationships get upperhand priority over other significant connections. Someone, someones, arbitrarily decided this for me? Well fuck that! This is 2018!

 

The discourse is peppered with stupidity, rigidity, and wacko antequated ideas about sex. You simply cannot successfully beat back the tsunami-grade tide of quantitative volume related to popular opinion, particularly when many folks purport the superiority of a more conservative traditional view out of the need for acceptance and conformity. Add sex work components into the mix and you are irreversibly further balls-deep tissue-trauma-level FUCKED. It is more in your face if you are partnered, but very few people will like this aspect of those of us who hire.

 

There is, I believe, no best strategy when the choice is symbolically missionary FUCKED to breaking point versus doggie-style FUCKED to a pulp. A multitude of contextual factors comes into play. Sometimes a balanced evaluation can help. Tossing a coin may sometimes be the best approach in this deep paradox of being damned whether you do or don't.

 

I was born with an average sex drive and evolved to often prefer interactional sex over onanism. I do not want or need to have to jump through complex hoops to get sex. I masturbate efficiently and have a similar right to access desirable sexual partners in an expedient fashion. I work hard for my personal resources. Sex may involve a mutually beneficial, adult, consensual exchange. I follow basic societal rules of decency and propriety, honor the law, and respect others. I draw the line at having to abide by others' expectations of self-deprivation. I seek sex in much the same way I forage for healthy balanced nutrition that meets my taste preferences. I do not conflate the acquisition of sex with "addiction". I value both self-actualization and interpersonal connection. I will always, however, privilege my prerogatives over others' opinions when related to aspects of my life that really should not concern them. I lie by omission. I lie to protect my reputation and others' self-centric sensibilities. I have no need to educate or shapeshift others' self-directed efforts towards sexual actualization.

 

This is how I think today. It is always evolving. I used to think differently and in a way that left me unhappy. This kind of forum offers a place to safely articulate one's position, views that are considered by many to be anathema. A valuable resource, this place.

About the fact that this makes me a liar: I know.

About the fact that my relationship isn’t as great as it would be without the lie: I know.

About the fact that you wouldn’t even call it a relationship: well, up to you, but I still do call it a relationship.

 

As for the rest: errr, what?

[Guest RBmont-real]

My thoughts are not directed at any one specific person or situation here. I am not angling for a debate. I also am not about to try to package my comments to meet everyone's level of comprehension. I do take the time to review and edit prior to hitting submit. I have not read The Ethical Slut, for example, but I do not think I am demanding a degree of undestanding that exceeds that of basic public-friendly academic literature in the area of this topic. And I have published extensively with very minimal editorial board adjustments requested. Ya know (and I think some here grasp this), there is only so much dumbing down one can do in formulating a few ideas here before they would end up confusing and meaningless to everyone, not at all worth posting.

 

But here's an idea, tart: copy and paste somewhere and show it to your partner, declaring "baby, please look at this crap that ended up in my FB feed! What do you make of it?"

[+ Tarte Gogo]

But here's an idea, tart: copy and paste somewhere and show it to your partner, declaring "baby, please look at this crap that ended up in my FB feed! What do you make of it?"

Brilliant! You made my day.

[+ freecahill1965]

WELL SAID, @Tarte Gogo. Bravo!!! I love reading it. A few years ago, I was so in love with a childhood friend of mine and it lasted for a few years and then he got married. It was such a beautiful relationship and I was happy everyday when I was with him. But I guess that relationship was not meant to last. After it ended, I got so depressed for months but woke up one morning and told myself "I don't have to suffer just because we broke up. I can move on and fuck any handsome young guys I like and don't have to fall in love with any of them". So that is what I am doing now and I am very happy. And I don't have plans yet to find another guy to fall in love with. THANK YOU, @Tarte Gogo

I think you sumed it up very well. I do not think I would allow myself to ever fall in love again. Hiring is just to much fun. Though, I will confess to a few favorites.

[+ ODIN51]

I think you sumed it up very well. I do not think I would allow myself to ever fall in love again. Hiring is just to much fun. Though, I will confess to a few favorites.

 

I agree with you @freecahill1965. Thanks.

[jjkrkwood]

However there's something to be said for LOVE and companionship in your Golden, fading years. I would feel much more secure knowing my partner is there for me, going to bed each night, and waking up to him in the morning. It's often scary being alone, especially when you are sick or incapacitated.