Agonizing about taking the plunge

[tenderloin]

I'm a long-time reader making my first post (so be nice!). After years of studying and fantasizing about the various 'scorts appearing here, I am almost ready to take the plunge and schedule my dream-date.

 

My dilemma: every time I am about to do it, I follow a link to a gay health site, and start to read about the alphabet soup of viruses and diseases plaguing our community and I back away. No, I don't mean HIV; I am referring to those things which can be more easily contracted through surface contact and not necessarily fluid exchange -- anal warts, herpes, HPV, LGV, the clap, etc. etc.

 

I don't fancy the idea of having a date while wrap-sealed in a large plastic tarp. I am all for condoms, but these sites point out that condoms don't necessarily protect from the these viruses. Given the ease with which most of them are apparently transmitted, it seems like just about everyone, even those who are careful, is at major risk for something nasty.

 

No, I am NOT asking for medical advice. I want to know how you all balance the risk (especially those who indulge on the QT) with the pleasure. Do you simply accept the probability of contracting something nasty and embarrassing, or am I being overly pessimistic? At the risk of asking an innappropriate question, how do you "frequent travellers" deal with unpleasent reminders of your dates? Are you all just too polite to mention in a review "oh, and I think he gave me crabs...."?

 

How 'bout you 'scorts? I would love your perspective on protecting yourselves from these "secondary" types of viruses and infections.

 

Sorry for the length of this message. Thanks, guys!

 

:-) :-)

[Boston Guy]

Hi Theo,

 

Welcome! I'm always happy to see long-time readers start posting. :-)

 

My advice is very simple:

 

1. Even though it's normal to agonize over new experiences, try not to agonize over this one. Once you've taken the plunge, you'll realize that getting together with an escort is really just like getting together with anyone else (ok, I lie: it's simpler. :-) ).

 

2. Try not to think of it as a "dream date". If your expectations are too high, you might be disappointed. Just look forward to having a nice time with someone who's probably pretty easy to talk to and fun to be with.

 

3. Decide ahead of time what you're comfortable with in terms of risk and let your partner know. Some guys stay away from all anal sex. Some include rimming in the list of off-the-list activities. Some don't want to get into oral sex. Some are looking for anal sex but will always insist on condoms. Some don't do that. You need to decide ahead of time what level of risk is right for you. Most of us are pretty bad about judging real risk and acting logically. For example, we thing nothing of tailgating on the freeway at 75 mph but get very anxious over a flight that, in actuality, carries far less risk. You're smart to recognize that there is risk in any sexual encounter; condoms do fail, as you've noted, and not all guys are honest. You should educate yourself in the various health risks that accompany gay sex, how to minimize them, decide what's right for you and then communicate that to your partner... and insist on keeping within the guidelines you've established for yourself.

 

4. Once you've done your homework, relax and let yourself have a great time.

 

Again, welcome!

 

BG

[eastbayguy]

>I don't fancy the idea of having a date while wrap-sealed in a

>large plastic tarp. I am all for condoms, but these sites

>point out that condoms don't necessarily protect from the

>these viruses. Given the ease with which most of them are

>apparently transmitted, it seems like just about everyone,

>even those who are careful, is at major risk for something

>nasty.

 

Your statistical inference is incorrect. For starters, venereal diseases are pretty rare. If you venture out in to the world, almost every day you come in to contact with people either carrying or infected with various communicable diseases. Yet, depending on your age and health, you get a cold or the flu or strep throat or whatever every few years.

 

If you and your partner are both clean and careful people, the odds of catching a venereal disease is low. Even if you have unprotected sex with someone carrying a venereal disease, you are not positively guaranteed of catching it.

 

Life is not risk free. Sometimes, it isn't especially low risk. Yet, the odds of catching some dread disease while having sex are fairly low.

 

Personally, my own number of sexual contacts is well above zero and I've had exactly one venereal disease--crabs. A sweet kid I met in a bathhouse in the mid-80s. I knew the circumstance wasn't ideal, but horniness won over good sense.

 

Don't worry. Be happy.

 

--EBG

[+ deej]

You've received really good advice so far. There is only one rule:

 

1) There is no such thing as safe sex, only safer sex.

 

Beyond that, it's a matter of risk assessment and management. Study the stuff at gayhealth.com and become familiar with the risks. Only then can you reasonably become comfortable with the risks that exist and ways to manage it.

 

Some will say that an escort is more risky than a bar pickup, but I'm not so sure that's true. Most of the top-notch escorts are vigilant about testing but the average guy in a bar may not be. Syphylis infections are at an all-time high right now because a lot of guys don't know they have it. (It doesn't always show symptoms.)

 

You have to become an educated consumer. And sometimes, you have to be like the Tom Cruise character in RISKY BUSINESS and say "what the fuck!" -- but please do it from an informed position.

[AaronScottDC]

Very good advice, BG! I concur! :-)

 

Aaron Scott DC

http://www.erados.com/AaronScottDC

http://www.male4malescorts.com/reviews/aaronscottdc.html

[PacNW]

And you have to factor in the amount of harm you may be doing to yourself by NOT taking the plunge. The tension and frustration conceivably built up after years of studying and fantasizing can take a toll. This is an area where you have to judge yourself very honestly.

 

You've made it over a small hump by posting here, but don't rest on your laurels. Aim for that big hump soon. So to speak.

[Guest skrubber]

Welcome tenderloin!

 

Before my plunge I also thought of diseases and the possibility of contracting one as you, although I did not agonize over it. I reasoned to myself that these guys do this for a living and would keep themselves pretty clean - not to say them contracting something is impossible - but I felt pretty safe. After having met so many terrific guys, I am so glad I did not let my anxiety disuage me and hope your's doesn't you.

 

Welcome to the club - it's well worth the trip.

[+ Charlie]

Some people are adventurous and some highly risk-averse--that's a given in personal psychology, and it sounds like you may be part of the latter category. I am, too, but I realized a long time ago that if I allowed my fear of risk to prevail, I would die regretting all the things I wanted but never experienced, and since I'm going to die anyway, I might as well take some chances. That doesn't mean I am foolhardy: I don't bareback with strangers, just as I don't drink tapwater in India. I prefer to engage in sexual behaviors that I know are low-risk (as deej always reminds us, nothing is no-risk), with people that are the same--I don't take home ill-kempt young street hustlers, for example, or proposition muscle-bound guys in straight bars. Nevertheless, I have still picked up various things, from crabs to gonorrhea, over the years, and it's pure luck that I avoided HIV in the days when we didn't know what that risk was. Ironically, I have probably picked up more colds and sore throats from kissing men than illnesses from any other activity.

 

So, welcome to the club!

[mattgunther]

Some escorts are very health concious and safe but there are others who are forced into this business by drug addition. And there are certainly some who are very irresponsible.

 

You can limit your activities to things that are safe. I am reluctant to have unprotect oral sex with an escort because of the high risk of gonerrhea, syphillus and HPV.

 

But the best advice for someone who is very worried about catching something is probably to get into a relationship. Seeing escorts is not much different from sleeping around. You do put yourself at risk. If you got into a regular relationship you could get to know the person first and have a better sense of what kind of risks you were taking.

 

I really enjoy escorts but I can't see any argument that they are better than real relationships. Why not try to find someone who likes you for yourself rather than your money. That way you won't have to worry about catching anything?

[tenderloin]

Good point, Matt. But (hypothetically of course) what if you were in a long-term relationship which was very rewarding in many ways, but where the physical aspects have gradually disappeared? What if you had sex less often in a month than some people do in a day? If one partner is happy with nothing but a smack on the lips and the other is masturbating twice a day, what is to be done? I have a feeling that many of the people in the hooboy community are in relationships with folks who have a lot of headaches at bedtime. ; )

 

I didn't mention this in my original post, because I don't want to get into the ethics of the question (it's been done to death on this board). Thanks,

 

TL

[+ deej]

Wow, what horrible, misguided, and juvenile advice!

 

Being "in a relationship" is a guarantee of exactly one thing: being in a relationship. The guy may routinely be sucking cock through glory holes (as we've seen posted here just recently) or fucking around in bathhouses.

 

How is that safer? For you or for him?

 

There are a lot of reasons to prefer being in a relationship over hiring escorts, but disease protection ISN'T one of them!

[HotdadENYC]

>Some escorts are very health concious and safe but there are

>others who are forced into this business by drug addition.

>And there are certainly some who are very irresponsible.

>

>You can limit your activities to things that are safe. I am

>reluctant to have unprotect oral sex with an escort because of

>the high risk of gonerrhea, syphillus and HPV.

>

>But the best advice for someone who is very worried about

>catching something is probably to get into a relationship.

>Seeing escorts is not much different from sleeping around.

>You do put yourself at risk. If you got into a regular

>relationship you could get to know the person first and have a

>better sense of what kind of risks you were taking.

>

>I really enjoy escorts but I can't see any argument that they

>are better than real relationships. Why not try to find

>someone who likes you for yourself rather than your money.

>That way you won't have to worry about catching anything?

 

I had to repeat your original posting because I STILL can't believe what I read.

 

No direspect meant, but this is absolute cow-shit. The amount and / or nature of relationships, whether they be casual, arranged, or purchased, has little if anything to do with threat of disease.

 

DID YOU MISS THE DISCLAIMER.....it ONLY TAKES ONE GUY TO INFECT YOU?

 

Suppose you DO get into a relationship. With a great guy. One who shares your hobbies, outlook on life and has a good deal in common with you. You are both physically compatible. He was NEVER an escort. BUT, he DID fool around a lot before he met you, and he isn't inclined to disclose that. Please don't tell me that you're safer as a result, BECAUSE you are in a relationship.

 

DEEJ said it best. "Trust no one." (And that's a paraphrase). But it gets the point across, I hope.

 

hd NYC

[noviceny]

Hey Tenderloin,

 

I originally wrote you a post to this thread, but I deleted it cause I am very very very cautious about my partners and didnt feel that you needed any more obsessive thought :-)

 

I dont know if its the same for you, but I have a "list" (albeit a very short one)of things that I will do that are safe. This list goes for escorts and the average person one the street. Invariably, when I have finished with encounters, I feel good at least about one thing : my risk factors were extremely low.

 

Only you can decide what you are comfortable with, and what you will be comfortable with after the fact. I am sure you have given this plenty of thought, so decide on what you will do and enjoy your experience.

 

Best of luck

[VaHawk]

>Some escorts are very health concious and safe but there are

>others who are forced into this business by drug addition.

>And there are certainly some who are very irresponsible.

 

Unlike those "free queers"? Escorts BAD!, Tramps GOOD!

>

>You can limit your activities to things that are safe. I am

>reluctant to have unprotect oral sex with an escort because of

>the high risk of gonerrhea, syphillus and HPV.

 

Well, AREN'T you a boring FUCK

>

>But the best advice for someone who is very worried about

>catching something is probably to get into a relationship.

>Seeing escorts is not much different from sleeping around.

>You do put yourself at risk. If you got into a regular

>relationship you could get to know the person first and have a

>better sense of what kind of risks you were taking.

 

LMFAO!!!!!!! BORING has got to be at least your middle name, if not your first name! EVERY non-escort person you meet is TOTALLY HONEST MaryJane! GET A DAMN CLUE!!!!!!!!!! Every sexual encounter, free or paid for, is a risky proposition!!!, so take precautions.

>

>I really enjoy escorts but I can't see any argument that they

>are better than real relationships. Why not try to find

>someone who likes you for yourself rather than your money.

>That way you won't have to worry about catching anything?

 

Jesus Fucking Christ, are you for REAL????? WHAT A DORK!!!!!!!

[Guest Tristan]

"The Saddest Words"

 

....Of all sad words of tongue or pen,

The saddest are these: "It might have been!"

 

- John Greenleaf Whittier (1807-1892)

[joel304]

When I was in the closet, I used to frequent a "mixed" bar ajacent to the "gay" bar until I had enough liquor to make "the plunge." I would sit at the bar (drunk) until I picked someone up for a fling. This, in retrospect, was the most dangerous behavior anyone could practice. Your chances of catching anything unhealthy, or dangerous (I ended up home with a straight boy who just wanted his dick sucked, and enjoyed showing off his rifle)triples in this situation.

 

Professional, well reviewed escorts, are more likely to take their bodies seriously, and, therefore, more apt to be conscious of their behavior and their health.

[noviceny]

"Professional, well reviewed escorts, are more likely to take their bodies seriously, and, therefore, more apt to be conscious of their behavior and their health."

 

Thats my opinion also.

 

 

The truth is we all shouldnt be having sex anyway. Besides that fact that its an abomination in the eyes of the Lord, it is a gift that we should be saving for our husbands once we can marry in the USA :-)

[mattgunther]

>DEEJ said it best. "Trust no one."

 

It is possible to get into relationships with people you trust. Of course you can't assume you can trust someone just because you are in a relationship with them. It takes time to get to know people. Often you'll find they are not trustworthy. But if you look you can find people you can get to know and trust. I trust my close friends I know many couples who trust their partners. In fact the straight couples I know trust their partners so much they often have unsafe sex-- thats how they get children. A few of these couples have seen their trust betrayed but many have not.

 

I'm sorry HotdadENYC and deej have not been capable of forming a trusting relationship with another person. It is sad that they consider the idea of looking for a trustworthy partner "horrible, misguided, and juvenile advice." Maybe that is part of the reason they have to pay for sex.

[+ deej]

>I'm sorry HotdadENYC and deej have not been capable of forming

>a trusting relationship with another person. It is sad that

>they consider the idea of looking for a trustworthy partner

>"horrible, misguided, and juvenile advice." Maybe that is

>part of the reason they have to pay for sex.

 

Nobody said anything about "capable of". It has nothing to do with "capable of".

 

I actually have had loving and trusting relationships, and continue to do so. I am also smart enough to know that being in a loving relationship will not give me a zone of immunity for STD's.

 

You seem to think otherwise. It is a sad and juvenile point of view.

 

What is it about Herpes, Gonorhea, Chlamydia, or even crabs that makes them not cross the relationship line? Is there a rule book?

 

You're claiming a safety factor that just doesn't exist.

[woodlawn]

RE: Pile Up

 

>>DEEJ said it best. "Trust no one."

 

>I'm sorry HotdadENYC and deej have not been capable of forming

>a trusting relationship with another person.

 

Sorry, perhaps. Surprised, no.

 

Frankly, I don't know whether being in a relationship makes it less likely that your partner will infect you with some STD. Nor do I know whether the average escort is more likely to take precautions to avoid STD's than a gay man who hooks up when he can but is not an escort.

 

There is one escort reviewed on this site of whom I think very highly, but every time I consider hiring him I remember that he has literally dozens of (positive) reviews here. Thinking about how many sex partners he must have had in order to pile up that many reviews makes me feel a bit queasy. Many things that people do for pastimes carry risk. But one can choose degrees of risk. Rock climbing is very risky. But the degree of risk involved in climbing Mt. Shasta is not the same as that involved in climbing the Eiger.

 

 

It's logical to assume that an escort who makes an effort to have as many sex partners as possible during a given period to earn money is at greater risk for STD's than someone who has sex only when he feels like it and manages to find someone who feels the same. It's logical, but is it true? Consult your local epidemiologist.