Do you forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

[geminibear]

Do you forgive and forget or hold a grudge?

 

I was recently let down by some people which until now I considered my closest friends.

[+ quoththeraven]

I will give you the answer one of my law school professors conditioned us to give, especially in the absence of all the facts: It depends. It depends on the people, on why, how important it is to you, any ethical dimension, whether there is any awareness that you're hurt, the likelihood of a repeat, and any downside to cutting them out of your life.

 

But grudge-holding in the long run benefits neither party. So either continue under whatever conditions you can (whether forgiven or forgotten is up to you) or cut them out of your life as toxic or unreliable. Do not hold a grudge or attempt revenge. The former is toxic to you and the latter is petty, immature, and often backfires.

 

There's an intermediate position, which is to take a break/timeout from them for awhile or simply dial back the relationship, where you're still in touch but are not as close as before.

 

Whatever you choose to do, I wish you the best.

[JDXXX]

I will give you the answer one of my law school professors conditioned us to give, especially in the absence of all the facts: It depends. It depends on the people, on why, how important it is to you, any ethical dimension, whether there is any awareness that you're hurt, the likelihood of a repeat, and any downside to cutting them out of your life.

 

But grudge-holding in the long run benefits neither party. So either continue under whatever conditions you can (whether forgiven or forgotten is up to you) or cut them out of your life as toxic or unreliable. Do not hold a grudge or attempt revenge. The former is toxic to you and the latter is petty, immature, and often backfires.

 

There's an intermediate position, which is to take a break/timeout from them for awhile or simply dial back the relationship, where you're still in touch but are not as close as before.

 

Whatever you choose to do, I wish you the best.

 

I agree more, QTR - Well said!!!

[+ WilliamM]

I will give you the answer one of my law school professors conditioned us to give, especially in the absence of all the facts: It depends. It depends on the people, on why, how important it is to you, any ethical dimension, whether there is any awareness that you're hurt, the likelihood of a repeat, and any downside to cutting them out of your life.

 

But grudge-holding in the long run benefits neither party. So either continue under whatever conditions you can (whether forgiven or forgotten is up to you) or cut them out of your life as toxic or unreliable. Do not hold a grudge or attempt revenge. The former is toxic to you and the latter is petty, immature, and often backfires.

 

There's an intermediate position, which is to take a break/timeout from them for awhile or simply dial back the relationship, where you're still in touch but are not as close as before.

 

Whatever you choose to do, I wish you the best.

 

It also depends on the other person being willing to talk through the situation. I had an experience with a long-time friend who complained a lot. I said something very curt early one morning. She never talked to me again, so I could not explain that my mother was in the hospital, and I had just come from the hospital. Nothing worked, I include mutual friends trying to talking to her.

[JDXXX]

Not to interrupt, but there are 2 threads with the same title here:

 

http://www.companyofmen.org/threads/do-you-forgive-and-forget-or-hold-a-grudge.111277/page-5#post-1051860

[bobchitown]

I hold grudges against people who post the same thing twice.

[bigvalboy]

It also depends on the other person being willing to talk through the situation. I had an experience with a long-time friend who complained a lot. I said something very curt early one morning. She never talked to me again, so I could not explain that my mother was in the hospital, and I had just come from the hospital. Nothing worked, I include mutual friends trying to talking to her.

 

Interesting William, similar situation..I have a friend in excess of 50 years. Besides growing up together, his wife and I travel constantly. Last year I called him to wish him happy Thanksgiving, it went to voice mail. I called several more times over the course of several weeks before I finally got him. When I did reach him he was cold and distant on the phone, and whatever is wrong, he won't open up. I went through my sister, but he won't speak about me, and now refuses my calls.

 

Friendships and people are fragile things. I will always consider our 50 plus years of friendship a gift, but I also can no longer dwell on it. Not all relationships can be saved.

[jawjateck]

Some relationships are meant for a season, not a lifetime. Acquaintances are a dime a dozen, and require no personal investment. However, none of us have an endless capacity for relationships/friendships. So when one person exits my life, I know I have space to welcome someone new, and that's a good thing.

[MrMiniver]

What's the point of holding a grudge?

[+ WilliamM]

Some relationships are meant for a season, not a lifetime. Acquaintances are a dime a dozen, and require no personal investment. However, none of us have an endless capacity for relationships/friendships. So when one person exits my life, I know I have space to welcome someone new, and that's a good thing.

 

Great reply. But some friendships are far more important than others, whether 40 years or four years.

[+ sync]

It's often a bitter pill. I've learned over time that holding a grudge is very different from a grudge holding you.

[+ bashful]

I will give you the answer one of my law school professors conditioned us to give, especially in the absence of all the facts: It depends. It depends on the people, on why, how important it is to you, any ethical dimension, whether there is any awareness that you're hurt, the likelihood of a repeat, and any downside to cutting them out of your life.

 

But grudge-holding in the long run benefits neither party. So either continue under whatever conditions you can (whether forgiven or forgotten is up to you) or cut them out of your life as toxic or unreliable. Do not hold a grudge or attempt revenge. The former is toxic to you and the latter is petty, immature, and often backfires.

 

There's an intermediate position, which is to take a break/timeout from them for awhile or simply dial back the relationship, where you're still in touch but are not as close as before.

 

Whatever you choose to do, I wish you the best.

 

It's tough when friends let you down. And, yes it hurts. All friendships/relationships run their natural course, even if it's been a long term friendship, and you have supported each other over the years. Did life circumstances change for either, altering the course of either's lives, did they change, did you change, it's hard to say why. I think QTR is very wise. I personally cannot see spending the emotion/energy holding a grudge, but one can never forget, no matter how enlighten we think we are.

[JDXXX]

It's tough when friends let you down. And, yes it hurts. All friendships/relationships run their natural course, even if it's been a long term friendship, and you have supported each other over the years. Did life circumstances change for either, altering the course of either's lives, did they change, did you change, it's hard to say why. I think QTR is very wise. I personally cannot see spending the emotion/energy holding a grudge, but one can never forget, no matter how enlighten we think we are.

 

+1

[craigville beach]

It depends. In my work relationships, I will be the adult in the room and move on. But I won't forgive and I won't forget. I can work with Attila the Hun and I have. BUT, I will lay in weeds and get even.

In my personal life, I take stock of the situation. If it appears to me that the relationship is one-sided, than I place some distance between them and me. If they circle back and resume, than I know I made a mistake and move on. If I don't see or hear from them, than I know I made the correct decision

[Guest]

What's the point of holding a grudge?

Well, sometimes it's healthful to put an end to a toxic relationship. I've known some gay men who've been kicked out from their homes as teen-agers. No apologies until many years later, when the gay man is doing well and the parent is not. I can understand the gay man who might not want to reconcile under such circumstances (or in some cases, the apology is a kind of bullshit "apology" such as "I'm sorry you were upset," which is more of an additional insult than an apology). I'm willing to forgive those who may have done something stupid or careless, if the person apologizes. I have a harder time forgiving those who don't apologize. Of course, if one apologizes, and the other person doesn't accept the apology, then that's on the other person. The "friend" who refused to accept William M's apology appeared to be a jerk herself, and I would wonder whether that friendship was worth keeping, if she can't even be understanding when a friend's mother is sick.

Some actor whose name I can't recall, said something wise, which I found quite poignant. "If you weren't there for me when I was doing poorly, don't expect me to be there for you when I'm doing well."

[LADoug1]

Friendships and people are fragile things. I will always consider our 50 plus years of friendship a gift, but I also can no longer dwell on it. Not all relationships can be saved.

 

I had a similar situation come up. After 30 years of friendship my relationship with my friend came to an end. I can only appreciate the gift of his friendship over the 30 year period. I mourn the loss but try and remember that as people grow and change, so do relationships. This includes the demise of the relationship. I must keep this in mind.

[+ Gar1eth]

I'm more the grudge holding type. Or at least I think I am. But often I find that over time the grudge lessens. It's difficult to sustain the emotional intensity over time.

 

I'm sure the others are right about moving past the grudge. But they seem to think humans are logical beings. We are and we aren't. Depending on how bad the hurt is emotionally, sometimes it is just too painful to forgive and forget.

 

Whatever happened, Gem, I'm very sorry you were hurt. I wish I were there to give you a hug.

 

 

Gman

[Lookin]

Ideally, I'd prefer to deal with the issue directly and then move on. http://www.boytoy.com/forums/public/style_emoticons/default/rolleyes.gif

 

http://www.ok125.co/uploads/02GG-F/GG2014_1282.gif

[+ WilliamM]

The "friend" who refused to accept William M's apology appeared to be a jerk herself, and I would wonder whether that friendship was worth keeping, if she can't even be understanding when a friend's mother is sick.

 

Some actor whose name I can't recall, said something wise, which I found quite poignant. "If you weren't there for me when I was doing poorly, don't expect me to be there for you when I'm doing well."

 

After time to really thinking about my friend, she was usually the first one there in times of trouble (I never had a chance to tell her my mom was in the hospital and nobody else could either). A year later, I was dealing with a corrupt housing speculator, as the monitor of a relocation agency. I briefly tried to bargain with him. A week later, the FBI called and told me to stop bargaining.

 

When I hung up the phone, I realized I knew nothing about the person who called. Taking a real chance, I called my ex-friend at home and asked what to do. (She had dealt with the FBI). To her great credit, she told me exactly how to locate the person who called me at the FBI. That was our last conversation ever, but she did help me when I really needed help.

 

Thank you very much, Unicorn.

[Guest]

I never had a chance to tell her my mom was in the hospital and nobody else could either.

 

Write her a postcard explaining the situation with your mother. That way she can't help but get the message.

[+ WmClarke]

I'm more the grudge holding type. Or at least I think I am. But often I find that over time the grudge lessens. It's difficult to sustain the emotional intensity over time.

I think this is what happens to me.

 

"The opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference...." - Elie Wiesel (though I first heard it on Cheers)

 

I do eventually move to indifference. So, in that sense, I do let it go. Just takes me a loooooong time.

[mattr]

I tend to forgive and remain wary, if it is a person I can't purge from my life. If I can purge, I purge and forget they ever existed. Too many good people out there to keep pieces of shit in your life.

[craigville beach]

I don't think you need to forgive someone to move on from the event. I've moved on from a couple of situations but I haven't forgotten and I will never forgive. Some "wrongs" are just so way over the top of decent behavior that you just can't forgive.

[Reluctant Daddy]

I'm part Sicilian, so I'm a big time grudge person. The only time I forgive is if I get a true heartfelt apology, and an awesome bottle of wine.

[+ Gar1eth]

I'm part Sicilian, so I'm a big time grudge person. The only time I forgive is if I get a true heartfelt apology, and an awesome bottle of wine.

 

You and Sophia!!

 

 

Gman