Nightmares

[hunterlee]

I'm sleeping in bed with a 19 year old who reminds me of my best friend, who I just met. We fall asleep, I get a nightmare (which only happens quarterly). My nightmares are not about anything chasing me or things of that nature. I get emotional nightmares.

 

Tonight"s nightmare consistented of my parents disowning/not speaking to me because of what I do for work. (My nightmares change topics everytime) It's 4am I wake up very emotional and cried. Now because I'm sleeping with someone who I just met and who doesn't know what I do. I don't want to freak him out and I can't console with him (it's not his problem). So I turn around and silently cry.

 

Normally I'm alone in bed when this happens, usually I just try to forget what happened and move on. I had a strange sensation to hold someone or be held. As I wrote before it was not an option to console with my new bedmate for the night. My mind races and a man who I had met a year and a half ago that I had really fallen for comes to my mind.

 

This man, former client, saw overnight once, immediate mutual chemistry, we texted for months afterwards, told me how he had dreams about us living together (not sure if he was playing me). I've had mutual chemistry with many people and find many men physically attractive. So I thought this would be a good normal typical overnight. At the end of the night when my head began to lay on his chest, I had this strange sense of safety and comfort I've never felt before. Everything from his breathing, his scent, his temperature and his touch just felt right. That night I had the most peaceful sleep I've had in a long time and till this day.

 

We tried talking about how we could be together. His career took him traveling and in a small town. From our dialogue it came across that he wanted me to stop what I was doing if we were to be together live with him and do the full time college thing. I had high marks in college and could transfer to the university nearby. "What would I do for work to supplement my income". The thought of potentially having to depend on someone made me feel trapped and left a foul taste in my mouth. After months of being in puppy love, I came back to my senses and canned the whole thing.

 

Back to where I am, laying in bed with my mind racing. Questions and fears race throughout my head.

 

"Will I ever feel that way again?"

"am I okay with potentially not meeting someone because of my side profession?"

"am I okay with what i do for a side profession?"

"am I happy?".

 

My answer in the past has always been yes, but here I am unsure of my answers. Contemplating getting back in touch with that man and hoping I didn't blow my chance or if I am being irrationally insane and need to sleep and wake up with rational sane thoughts.

 

I believe we have many soul mates out there. I also believe I may not ever meet one of these soul mates or I may only meet one/a few. Who knows.

 

* * My Main Point **

Has anyone else experienced this?

What are your suggestions?

Comments, concerns or questions.

 

If you do not feel comfortable posting publicly, please don't hesitate to private message me or email me (hunter@hunterlee.co).

 

 

Yes, I am strange.

[+ DERRIK]

Many of use employ escorts to share intimacy

 

In Hunter's share we see intimacy

 

True meaning IN TO ME SEE

 

Thank you Hunter for allowing us to see into you

[+ nycman]

A song that's gotten me through many similar nights......

 

Listen to it.

 

Try and get some sleep.

 

The world will look different and more clear in the morning.

 

Thank you for sharing...it was very touching.

[+ Truereview]

I think you answered your own question, Hunter. Happiness doesn't come from others, it comes from within. If I were the gentleman you yearn for, first thing I'd want you to do is to be happy for yourself before you come back to work on our happiness together. Big kiss, - TR

[Moondance]

When we are young we worry What will be?

 

When we are older we wonder What if?

 

Dwelling on these things can be unsettling, but thinking about them is perfectly normal.

[Donpat]

Hunter, that was wonderful and encouraging, and brave. I'm certain that you will find a way to follow the current career path for as long as you care to, and find a safe place with the right man who gives you all the latitude you need for your work as well as all the safety you need when you're "off the clock". Your description of the intimate moment with you temporary partner was beautiful. And I felt the urgency and (maybe too strong a word ) desperation of the nightmare episode. I wish I could hug you right now - you're going to be just fine because you recognize and embrace and honor your true inner emotion and self. You're a complete human being and I admire you. Oh, and one more thing - NO, you are NOT strange. At all. Period

[Andy2]

Hunter, this was a wonderful, emotionally vulnerable post. Thanks for sharing. I am an older professional, openly gay person, with all sorts of quirks, so please take these thoughts for what they are worth:

 

1. You are not strange. At all. It is human and wonderful to need connection to family and friends and lovers.

 

2. If you are a talented student, and would get a lot out of University, please consider advancing your education as soon as you can. Frankly, if that means reducing or giving up escorting, so be it. For long-term purposes, there are few investments as good as higher education--especially if you do well in school, and to do that you need to focus all your considerable energies on your coursework etc.

 

3. Another reason to rethink your escorting career is family. They are important to you, yes? And you feel ashamed and would be humiliated if your family found out? Well, that might be another reason to choose Door Number 2 (education) rather than your current career.

 

Apologies if you find any of these thoughts offensive; I do not know you or your circumstances. I was broke and had zero money when I was in college and grad school but economized, studied hard, and went into debt. It can be done.

[jawjateck]

Hunter, you are adorably human, a treasure of endless awesome opportunities about to be unleashed.

 

And yall, he really has a winsome, wonderful personality. When you meet him, his face will immediately brighten yours.

[Juan Vancouver]

Hey man,

 

Thank you for sharing something so personal. I can only imagine the conflict you are living in and how tempting it would be to be taken care of. You come across as a very intelligent man who is willing to gain some self awareness. May I be too bold to suggest you find a sex positive therapy professional with whom you can talk about this? You sound incredibly vulnerable at the moment, and given that our profession demands us to be vulnerable, you might be putting yourself in situations that may trigger you emotionally and may damage your judgement. There are a few issues that you have addressed before, in this and other threads; discomfort with the nature of your work, discomfort with sex, worrying about your family's possible reaction if they find out, etc. All these are very important and they are not resolved might hinder your ability to be present and fulfilled.

 

Don't try to resolve this on your own. Don't try to solve this based on your client's opinions; as well intentioned as they will no doubt be, they might not be able to see the situation from your side. Google sex positive therapist in your area. If you don't want to pay, there must be some therapist that do pro bono work with vulnerable youth. You being a young escort would fit the bill perfectly. If you find a therapist whose resume sounds it would be a good match for you, send him an email and explain your situation. You will be surprised how many professionals are willing to help.

 

No need to cry alone anymore. Take care of yourself. You deserve it.